I tilt my head to the side, and then every single one of my muscles tighten.
Standing out in the distance is a copy of me, wearing the same tattered dress and scuffed leather jacket. And I'm not alone. Blaise is next to me, his fingers laced through mine, a worried look on his face.
What the ...? Ghosts?
They flicker in and out of focus as the gnawing pain in my brain and muscles goes quiet. The world around me paralyzes as my eyelids softly slip shut.
At peace. I feel so at peace.
Guess I really can die ...
Chapter 11
Reviving the Near Dead
"Allura, open your eyes," Ryder's wonderful voice caresses my ears. However, doubt weighs on my mind.
No ... It's not real ... It has to be Lex or another Warden messing with my mind.
"Allura," Ryder pleads. "Please wake up."
I shake my head from side to side. No ... I don't want to ... I don't want to see the channels again.
"Sweetheart." Rough skin caresses my cheek. "I know it's scary, but I need you to open your eyes so I can know if the cure worked."
Fearing this is a side effect of one of the Warden's injections, my eyes remain lowered. I want to be brave, but I'm not ready to face the truth yet; acknowledge that my freedom is gone and that I'm going to relive my days in that cell. That Ryder, Reece, and Blaise are no more. That this was all a dream I've sunk into to deal with my traumatic reality.
"She's not opening her eyes," Ryder says, sounding severely concerned. "Does that mean it didn't work?"
"Don't jump to conclusions just yet," Reece tells him. "She may be a bit disoriented."
"A bit disoriented?" Ryder questions. "Her eyes aren't even open."
"Give her a minute," Reece says in a calm but firm tone. "She's been under for weeks. It could take her a few hours to come out of it."
Warm air tickles my cheek as Ryder heaves a sigh. "I hope you're right."
"I usually am," Reece reminds him. "Now sit back and give her some time."
The fingers resting on my cheek move away, leaving my skin chilling cold.
Silence engulfs me, the stillness rattling my already fragile nerves. I want to move, open my eyes, see why it feels like someone is watching me. But then I'd have to deal with the consequences of the truth, and I'm growing quite fond of my delusional bubble. Well, at first, anyway.
The more time trickles by, the more unsettled I become. Restlessness stirs inside me, driving me to the brink of insanity until I finally can't take it anymore.
With a preparing breath, I open my eyes and face the outcome I probably deserve, if I'm being entirely honest and unselfish.
A neon yellow light instantly overwhelms my vision, and I wince, my eyeballs feeling as though they're bleeding.
"Shit, sorry. I forgot I had that on."
When the light dims, Reece's face materializes above me. His scruffy jawline hasn't been shaven in at least a week, his brown hair is a chaotic mess, and dark bags reside under his worry-filled eyes.
"Can you hear me?" He aims a tiny flashlight into my eyes. "Her pupils are responsive." Fingers press to the inside of my wrist as he glances at the watch on his wrist. "Her pulse is steady." He leans closer with a crease forming between his brows. "And she seems to be breathing normally."
"Then why isn't she saying anything?" Ryder leans over me. Like Reece, his jawline is covered in scruff, his blond hair is a crazy mess, and he looks sleep-deprived.
"I don't know yet." Reece tosses the flashlight onto a table then rests his hand beside my head. "Maybe you should go get Rae."
Nodding, Ryder spins around to leave.
"Wait," I manage to croak out. "I'm fine."
Reece sits up straighter while Ryder reels back around, relief washing over his features.
"You can hear us?" Reece asks, reaching toward a square, beeping machine. He pushes a few buttons and the lines on the screen blink. Then he faces me again. "For how long?"
"A while." I rest my hand on the base of my parched throat and look around. I'm lying in a bed, in a room made of dark grey grated walls. A blanket is pulled over me and wires run from my wrists and head to a small machine balanced on top of a stainless steel table. "I could've spoken sooner, but I was afraid you guys weren't real." I'm still slightly doubtful.
This place feels so cold, like the Wardens' experiment rooms. As I take in the warmth and kindness in Ryder and Reece's eyes, though, my skepticism dissipates. Wardens couldn't create such warm emotions. This place ... Them ... It must be real.
"Where am I?" I cough against the scratchiness at the back of my throat.
"I'll get her some water," Ryder says, hurrying off somewhere.
"You're at Leviter Station." Reece sits on the edge of the bed and brushes my hair out of my eyes. "How much do you remember?"
I search my mind for the answer. "Climbing up a cliff ... Falling ... You guys saying that I was shot by the Kiss of Death. Blaise driving through a Tracker ... Passing out ... Waking up in water ... Blaise and I going to a world filled with death ... A stranger showing up ... Blaise disap--" I quickly shoot upright and end up smacking heads with Reece.
He moans, pressing the heel of his hand to his forehead while using his other hand to steady me by my shoulder. "Easy. The medication I used to counteract the effect of the Kiss of Death has some strange side effects."
"Like what?" I wave my hand around in front of me. I can barely keep track of the speedy movement.
"Like your brain's inability to control how your body moves." Reece captures my hand then slips his fingers through mine. "You might want to take it easy on moving around too much until you regain more control over your body. In fact, you should probably lie back down."
I nod and the whole room bounces. "I can do that ... after I see Blaise." I need to know he's okay, more than I've ever needed anything.
Reece stiffens, his lips parting. "Allura, there's something I need to--"
"Here. Drink this." Ryder returns with a cup.
I reach for it but move too fast and nearly knock it out of his hands.
"Sorry," I sputter, pulling back.
"No apologizing for things that aren't your fault, remember?" Ryder playfully scolds, wagging his finger at me. Then he moves the cup toward my face. "Open up."
I obey, unhinging my jaw, and he moves the straw into my mouth.
"Now, drink."
Feeling a little embarrassed that he's taking care of me, I wrap my lips around the straw. The second the refreshingly cold water spills down my throat, any embarrassment flies away to the sky, never to be found.
Reaching up slowly, I place my hands atop of his and around the cup, slurping down the water savagely.
"She's dehydrated," Ryder comments with concern as I continue to guzzle the water.
"That's understandable." Reece checks the monitor again. "She was in the Oblivion for nearly three weeks."
"Yeah, but usually people drink while they're in there," Ryder says. "Allura, didn't you drink anything?"
I shake my head from side to side, removing my lips from the straw. "We never got a chance."
Ryder moves the cup away from my mouth. "How come?"
I wiggle around until the wires attached to me aren't pulling so tightly, but I move too fast and nearly fall off the bed. When Ryder steadies me, I offer him a grateful smile.
"There was a lot going on in the memory Blaise and I were in," I explain. "First, these Orders showed up ... Wait. Couldn't you guys see what was going on in there? I thought that's what the point of the Oblivion was ... so you guys could see my memories."
"Normally, it is." Reece brings his knee up onto my bedside. "Because of the circumstances of why you were in there, things worked a little differently."
I glance back and forth between the two of them. "You mean because I was dying?"
Reece nods, his throat muscles working hard as he swallows. "We basically had to toss you in there without much prep time, so we
weren't able to monitor much." He pauses, contemplating. "Plus, your brain works a little differently and the machine struggled to completely connect with you."
My shoulders slump, my gaze descending to my hands. "Different how?"
"I don't know yet, but we will figure it out." Reece hitches a finger under my chin and forces me to look at him. The kindness in his expression makes eye contact easier than I thought. "I know you're nervous, but I'd really like to have Rae look at you. She's a lot smarter than me, and she might have a better answer to what's going on."
"You mean, the doctor here?" I ask, fidgeting. "The one Mable told me to see?"
"She told you to see Rae?" Ryder asks, reminding me that he and Reece don't know the entire story of what happened back at the East City Post when Mable tested my blood on moonstone. Only Blaise does, because he could hear through the walls.
Blaise.
"She did after she tested my blood and found I had traces of Grim in me." I sit up straight and reach to throw the blanket off me. "Blaise actually heard everything she said, so maybe we should talk about this with him."
I start to get up, but Reece sets a hand on my shoulder and gently guides me back down.
"Allura, you can't get up yet. Not until the cure wears out of your system and your movements return to normal."
"Okay ... Then can you ask him to come in here?" My heart squeezes in my chest as the two of them trade one of their cryptic looks. "What's going on? Where's Blaise?" When neither of them respond, I grow a bit frustrated. Not wanting to come off demanding or annoying, I try to remain patient. "While we were in the Oblivion ... something happened to him. Did something happen to him here, too?"
They exchange another secretive look that nudges me toward the brink of insanity. I want to scream at them to tell me. The uncontrolled reaction frightens me, and I wonder where it stems from. From the Grim blood pumping through my veins?
"Something did happen to him," Ryder finally speaks, covering my hand with his. "Something that's never happened before."
"What was it?" I whisper hoarsely, recalling the time traveler's final words to me.
I wasn't here for you. Well, not completely.
What did he do to Blaise?
Ryder glances at Reece then sits down on the edge of the bed and takes both of my hands in his. "He vanished."
"He what?" Stabbing pain bursts through my chest, and the monitors I'm hooked to react with a series of fitful beeps.
"Allura, you have to calm down." Reece grabs one of my hands from Ryder and gives it a tender squeeze. "Your body's already been under so much stress. And even though you heal faster than an average human, it's still going to take at least a few days before you're completely back to normal."
Nodding, I take one breath after another until the beeping evens out. "I'm sorry. I'm trying to stay calm, but it's just that ..." I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth as anxiety starts to get the best of me again. "You said he disappeared; where did he go?"
"Well, we were kind of hoping you could help us figure that out," Ryder says, skimming his thumb along the back of my hand. "You were in there with him; did anything happen where he ... I don't know, just went poof."
I nod, guilt scratching at the inside of my flesh. "Yes, it did."
Ryder lifts one of his hands to my face and cups my cheek. "Can you tell us what happened?"
Hot tears bubble in my eyes. "This is all my fault."
"I doubt that," Ryder says, grazing his thumb along my cheekbone.
My eyelashes uncontrollably flutter, but I lean away as shame scalds my skin. How dare I react to his touch like that while Blaise is lost?
"Maybe you should wait to hear the story before you start making assumptions about whose fault this is."
Ryder sighs, yet a playful glimmer sparkles in his eyes. "Fine. I'll wait until you tell me what happened before I convince you this isn't your fault."
A shaky breath fumbles from my lips, and then I tell them what happened while I was in the Oblivion, starting from when we first arrived all the way up until I saw the copies of Blaise and me watching me. The worst part is that, to explain how I vaguely knew the time traveler, I have to divulge the other memories he made an appearance in, which means confessing that I may have killed someone.
"You saw yourself and Blaise watching Lex carry you into the channels?" Scratching his head, Ryder looks at Reece. "Have you heard of anything like that before?"
"No, but ..." Reece rubs his hand across his jaw, dazing off into empty space. "It could be ..." He drifts from the bed without finishing.
"I hate it when he does that," Ryder mutters with a frown.
"Does what?" I ask, uncertainty weighing on my shoulders.
"Walks off mid-sentence," Ryder replies with an exhausted sigh. "It's like he thinks people can read his mind or something."
"I'm sure he'll come back and tell us what he was going to say."
Ryder rips his focus off Reece. "Yeah, after he paces a hole in the floor."
I turn my head and peer back at Reece, who is pacing the back of the room while yanking his fingers through his hair and muttering under his breath. "Does he talk to himself a lot, too?"
"All the time. But so do I."
I recline back against the propped-up pillow. "I do, too."
"Yeah?" The corner of his lips quirk in a lopsided smile. "Then I guess the three of us were made for each other."
"What about Blaise?" I whisper, staring down at my hands.
He chuckles softly. "I think Blaise might be the worst. He probably talks to himself more than he does anyone else." His laughter dissolves as he sketches a path down my jawline with his fingers then angles my chin up, forcing me to carry his gaze. "What happened in the Oblivion isn't your fault, and I have no idea why you would think that." He pauses. "No, actually I do."
Even though I know he's right, his words are hard to hear. "I know ... And I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish my memories weren't so dangerous. If I'd known, I would've begged Blaise not to go in with me."
"No, you wouldn't have, since you were unconscious when you guys went in there. I'm sure, if you'd been awake, you would've begged him not to go with you even without knowing the dangers." He releases a heavyhearted sigh as I stare at him in puzzlement. "I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I didn't mean that I understood why you were blaming yourself because I thought it was your fault. I just know you're the kind of person who would blame themselves."
I shake my head, causing one of the wires to fall off my head. "I don't think that's true."
"Of course you don't." He leans over me to pick up the fallen wire, reattaching it to my temple. "I don't know if this will upset you or not, but I think I'm going to say it, anyway, because it needs to be said." He rests a hand on either side of my shoulders and levels his gaze with mine. "I think, all that time you spent in the cell, getting"--a shaky breath eases from his lips--"abused, might have messed up your self-confidence."
"No, I don't think that's it." Is it?
Pity fills his eyes. "It might take some time, but one day, I'm going to convince you that's true, and that you're better than you think you are."
"Ryder ..." I start, wishing I could believe him and knowing I can't, not when I don't know what I am. "You heard everything I told you, right? About what the time traveler said to me?"
He waves me off dismissively. "I don't really care about that."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. I mean, seriously, this guy just shows up out of nowhere and declares he's a time traveler--whatever that is--and that he knows you. And we're, what? Just supposed to believe him?"
"I don't know." I scratch the back of my neck. "He seemed to know things about me. Like how I can't die."
"Actually, you can." He scoots closer and the mattress concaves with his weight. "If we hadn't put you in the Oblivion, the Kiss of Death would've killed you."
"Oh." My thoughts ravel into a jumble of confusion. "Then why
did I die when I was shot ...? And in the memories when the guy killed me ... he said I always come back to life."
He threads his fingers through mine again, something he's done at least five times since I came back. "Reece isn't sure yet, but I know he's been looking into this."
"I've actually come up with a few theories." Reece moves up beside my bed, his hair sticking up all over the place. "One being that the Kiss of Death was made by the Grim to injure the Grim. But since you're not entirely Grim, it can kill you, just like it would kill one of us."
My lips form an O. "So, the Grim can kill me if they want to?"
"I think so." He sinks down onto the bed. "I don't think they were trying to kill you, though."
"You don't?" Ryder questions with a crook of his brow. "It sure looked like that's what they were trying to do."
Reece shakes his head. "I think, if they would've gotten ahold of her, they would've administered the cure."
"They have a cure, too?" I ask, rubbing my hands up and down my arms as goose bumps sprout across my flesh.
I almost died. I can die. Whether it makes me sick or not, I find a little reassurance in knowing that.
Reece's eyes glint mischievously. "Where do you think I got the instructions for the cure?"
A spurt of dizziness overcomes me as I gape at him. "You stole them from the Grim?"
Reece nods. "There's a place in the city where the Grim keep all of their little files and books about their history. And they keep some stuff on computers. I've never actually been able to hack into that particular system before now, but apparently, with the right motivation ..." He shrugs.
"He means you being on the verge of death," Ryder clarifies as he picks up the cup of water on the table next to my bed and hands it to me. "Now drink up. You look like you're about to pass out."
Offering him a small, grateful smile, I take the cup and down another full glass of cold water. The icy cold temperature causes my body to convulse with shivers.
Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I return the cup to Ryder. "So, now what do we do? I mean, how do we get Blaise back?"
Ryder and Reece exchange yet another undecipherable look then simultaneously stand up from the bed.