***
Miranda and I slip down the blackened tunnels, looking for the alcove where I stashed the crystal. She has a good sense of the layout. Between that, and what I remember, we find it without much trouble. Still, the walls are too close, the darkness encroaching. Miranda whispers that we're safer here, away from the fighting, but I don't feel safe. I barely manage to keep myself moving at an even speed. I want to run until I can find the open sky.
I pull the crystal from its hiding spot and place it in her hands.
She peers at me through the darkness. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know," I say, "but I have to do something. Just do what you can, for now. Try and be ready. We don't have much time."
She nods without speaking.
"Will it take you long?" I ask. "I mean, once we get the stuff?"
She shakes her head. "Not long." But she's frowning. She doesn't believe I'll find a way.
"Just do it," I growl, and stride away into the darkness.
Taking it out on Miranda is pointless. My agitation is born of the confinement... and knowing that she's right. I've been over it in my head a hundred times. Getting Jonas to rearrange his plans and take what we need by force. Only, I've got a better idea of the manpower behind Jonas' cause, now, and, while they might be a thorn in Matt's side, they are a long way from equaling him on open ground. They work well as guerrillas, but they're not suited to a major offensive on a heavily guarded area. Sneak attacks. Surprise tactics. There's no way we are getting our hands on Matt's big gun. Miranda insists nothing else in the Outpost will do. So we're back where we started. Between a rock and a hard place.
I pick my way back to Jonas' command, feeling like I've lost everything all over again. He sees me come in and pulls himself away from his work, obviously reading the unhappiness on my face.
"Everything OK?" he asks, running his fingers down my arms. Before I can answer, he laughs, looking away. "Of course not," he says. "I know. I just...."
I want to share my disappointment with him, to tell him how close I was to finding a way out for us, but can I distract him with this, when he has so many other things to think about? He's carrying enough on his shoulders. This little gem I've found has turned out to be fake. A waste of time. False hope. Energy channeled into nothing. I lower my eyes and look away.
He takes me by the arm and leads me outside, where the sky is a calico pattern of crisp blue, cloud white, and smoky black. We wander to the side of the building and stand, listening to the not-too-distant sounds of war. Finally, quietly, he says, "We need to prepare. You, Miranda.... I've been trying to think of the best place to—"
"To hide us?" I snap impatiently, though I don't mean to. I take a deep breath, shake my head, and make sure my voice is softer when I speak again. "I hate this, Jonas. I don't want to hide for the rest of my life. And I don't want to be a boy, either. None of this... None of it is right."
He moves closer and again puts his hands on my arms, ducking his head toward me. "I know," he says. "You're right. But... we don't have any choice. We just have to get through this. Then we'll find a way to deal with whatever comes later."
I gaze up at him, trying to hold back the emotion rising in me. I want to tell him that we won't get through it. He may hope to hide us, but realistically, when Grey takes over the Outpost, he will root out anyone who is in hiding, making sure that none of his enemies survive to fight another day. There will be no place to hide. But I can't tell Jonas this, because he believes that he can protect me. He's done so much. Risked so much. I can't tell him that it will amount to nothing. Again, I look away.
Some of the shanties are within our line of sight. Huddled against the side of one of them is a little bundle of rags— another sick or starving child. Before I know what I'm saying, I'm telling Jonas in a choked whisper, "A little baby died in my arms yesterday. I wanted to help her. But I couldn't. She was just... gone."
There is nothing but silence for a long time. When I finally look at him, he's just staring at me, wide-eyed, open-mouthed. I see that little chill of horror, threading through him slowly.
I wrap my arms tightly around myself, looking again toward the shanty and the ragged child. "It's going to get worse," I say, my morbid thoughts spilling forth even though I know I should keep them to myself. "When Grey comes, it's going to be even worse than this."
Jonas gives a little jerk of his head, his mouth working like he's going to say something. But he doesn't, at least not for a while. Then, he manages, "Some things are beyond our ability to change." His voice is hoarse. "We have to let some things go."
Too many things. I breathe, and close my eyes. Finally, when I think I can talk again, I say, "What if you could do something to change it? Something drastic. Would you do it?"
He stares at me. I can see in his eyes that he's imagining the possibility. At last, he says quietly, "I would do almost anything."
His words settle over me like fallout. "Would you risk my life?" I whisper.
"No," he says, immediately. "Never."
But he has answered a different question; He's told me that no, I cannot tell him the plan that is forming in my head. If he could think it through, chances are he would see it's the only way. But here, now, pressed for time, exhausted, scrambling for our lives, he will only hear 'Matt'. I cannot gamble the futures of so many on the possibility that he might understand the necessity of my actions. And when it comes down to it, my life is my own to risk. No one else's. But can I do this without him? Can I face what might happen if I leave him out?
Jonas said he's willing to do almost anything. Well, so am I.
A man steps outside the shack and nods to him. Jonas' brow furrows. "I have to go," he says, not looking at me. "Find Miranda. Bring her back here. Quickly."
I nod, already moving away. I will find her, but we're not coming back. Words of parting struggle to find their way out of my heart, but they never do. There is nothing I can say that will do this moment justice.