It was then that I noticed a light across the inn's courtyard. In the other wing of the building, also on the third floor, someone had their window open-someone with a well-lit room. This had barely come to my attention, when a figure in that room stepped into my line of sight. It was Ellwood Cyrene. As I stood there, he started to disrobe, removing his jerkin and breeches just as I had done. I was about to close the shutters when I noticed that beneath his shirt, his entire torso was wrapped in a massive bandage. Naturally concerned, I wondered just what kind of horrible wound he had sustained that would require such a dressing.
Then he began to unwind it. I watch as he carefully removed the wrapping, and when I saw what lay beneath, I sat back, entirely missing the bed and landing on the hard wood floor. Ellwood Cyrene, my friend and companion through countless adventures, was a woman!
Appendix I: Wherein I present the complete play "The Ideal Magic" for your appreciation and enjoyment.
The Ideal Magic
A Play in One Act
By Eaglethorpe Buxton
Presented here in its entirety:
Characters:
Myolaena Maetar, Court Magician of Aerithraine
King Justin, King of Aerithraine
Queen Beatrix, Queen of Aerithraine
Sir Thomas, Knight of Aerithraine
Sir David, Knight of Aerithraine
Sir Reginald, Knight of Aerithraine
Britomart, Lady Knight
Prissus Draco Noventus, Possibly a dragon
Phoebe, Queen's Lady in Waiting
Krabbi, Apple Seller
Luna, Serving Wench
Bud, Flower Seller
Mack, Fishmonger
Penny, Cutpurse
Waiting Women, Chorus
Knights' Girls, Chorus
Citizens
(In front of Aerithraine Castle. Present are Krabbi, Luna, Bud, Mack, and citizens.)
Krabbi:
Apples! Apples! Get your apples here!
Mack:
Fish! Fish for Sale! Fresh Fish!
Bud:
Petunias! Carnations! Red, red roses!
Krabbi:
We are the vendors who sell in the marketplace,
Mack:
Here in the city, the jewel of the world,
Bud:
We do our best to put on the best place,
Krabbi:
Here in the city known as Illustria,
Mack:
Where fortunes are made and banners unfurled.
Bud:
I peddle my flowers to all with a spare coin,
Krabbi:
I sell my apples to young and to old,
Mack:
I sell my fish for a silver or gold coin,
Bud:
He'll gladly take a brass penny,
Krabbi:
His fish are a week old.
Mack:
We're growing rich in the market, rich and quite fat,
Bud:
The people are thronging along the city streets,
Krabbi:
No one goes hungry, can you imagine that?
Mack:
I love Illustria, the capital of Aerithraine,
Bud:
It's a marvelous city where everyone eats.
(Enter Penny)
Penny:
(Aside) Not everyone eats, Merchant. For every fat street vender there are four hungry brats with no silver or gold, or no brass penny neither. There are those of us who beg in the streets and there are those of us who skim the sewers. Then there are those of us who take what we can?. (picks pocket) Pardon me. I am off to reap what the merchants have sown. (Exit)
Krabbi:
Apples for Sale! Nice Apples! Not a worm in sight!
Mack:
I could use some worms. Fish are gettin' so they don't bite on corncobs no more.
Krabbi:
Here, help yourself. I've worms a plenty. The whole crop this year is wormy.
Mack.
That's a good lad. Are you ready to sup, Krabbi. They've a mutton stew at the Angry Rooster for three pence.
Krabbi:
I'm for it, Mack. (Exit Krabbi and Mack. Enter Myolaena.)
Enter Myolaena.
Myolaena:
(Aside) It's a lovely day in Illustria, the jewel of Aerithtraine, nay the very jewel of all Celestria. The people are happy. The kingdom is prosperous. The king sits well upon his throne?
Luna:
I'm just a serving wench out for some fresh air,
I've spent all the night in the tavern down yon',
It's such a delight to sit here in the fresh air,
No fighting with pipe fumes from dusk until dawn,
I'm just a serving wench out in the morning air,
My world is the tavern, the rogues, and the ale,
I somehow can't see why the world is so bright,
It makes my life seem somehow oh so pale,
I'm just a serving wench, but I am so much more,
I sing and I dance and I play a mean lyre,
If a kind man could find my heart's door,
I would gather his hearthstones and light his fire.
Myolaena:
(Aside) They young maid is lonely. She needs someone. (Wiggles her finger at Bud).
Bud:
(To Luna) A flour for you, Luna. No charge.
Luna:
Thank you. It is a pretty thing, isn't it?
Myolaena:
Ah,yes. Love is the ideal magic. But the lass isn't saying what she truly feels. (Wiggles her finger at Luna)
Luna:
Oh you sweet thing! (Jumps on Bud and kisses him) I love you Bud! Take me away and let's be wed.
Myolaena:
There you see magic. But it is a small thing for me. I am Myolaena Maetar, the court magician-- sorceress thaumatageur, prestidigitator, diviner, seer, mystic-- I am spellcaster, mage, conjurer, and necromancer. I am all that.
I am she who keeps the kingdom running well. I am she who keeps King Justin on his throne. I bring prosperity and fair weather. I am all that.
I can read minds! I can shape creations of matter and energy. I can brew potions of love or hate or death. I can let you fly through the air, or stew in your own juices. I can summon up the wise men of all the ages, or the most horrifying monsters. I am all that? and a bag of chips.
I should be openly acknowledged as the mighty ruler I am. I should be Queen. But though I am not, I have cast my spells and laid my plots. I am like the spider in the center of a vast web. And I will devour my prey, after my own fashion.
(Exit Luna and Bud. Enter the Waiting Women. They step forward to deliver their lines as a chorus)
Wait' Women:
We are three maids who wait on the Queen,
She's the sweetest sovereign the world has yet seen,
Though she has one pain that many speak of,
The King and the Queen have never known love.
We wait and we pray for we know our duty,
We must take care of our majestic beauty,
This duty is clear and our faith is too true,
But until true love comes there is nothing to do.
The Queen hails from Goth, a land far away,
But we lover her so, and wish her to stay,
The people adore her, as do her sons,
Of riches and wealth, you know she has tons,
If only the king would wake up and take notice,
He'd see that beside him sits a true Venus,
Though none can say where angels have been,
Angels are nothing when they're next to our Queen.
(Exit Waiting Women. Enter Phoebe)
Phoebe:
Queen Beatrix calls for you, Sorceress.
Myolaena:
Am I the Queen's serving woman, that she calls for me thus? Am I the Queen's lacky?
Phoebe:
You are the Qu
een's subject and are at her command.
Myolaena:
I am the Sorceress Supreme! I could change that woman into a newt.
Phoebe:
The Queen is protected by powerful magics and cannot be so affected.
Myolaena:
True. But you are not. (Phoebe looks scared and exits quickly.)
The wench is correct. I cannot simply eliminate the Queen. But what if the King's eye should wander in my direction? Can one refuse a King? Nay! I have laid plots and spells. Now I go to answer the wretched Queen. (Exits)
(Enter Knights' Girls)
Knights' Girl 1:
(Dreamily) Did you see Sir Reginald? He is to die for!
Knights' Girl 2:
(Dreamily) He touched my arm when he shoved me out of the way.
Knights' Girl 3:
How about Sir David?
Knights' Girl 1:
Just leave me alone with him and a can opener!
Knights' Girl 2:
Keep dreaming girl. He likes me better.
Knights' Girl 1:
He likes me more!
Knights' Girl 3:
Well, he likes me almost as much as he likes himself.
Girls 1&2:
Really?
(Knights' Girls step forward to deliver their lines as a chorus.)
Knights' Girls:
We are the girls who follow the knights,
We hear all their adventures and watch all their fights,
The are dreamy, all dressed in their shiny steel armor,
Just watching them makes our hearts feel much warmer.
Sir Thomas is sweet, but stupid it's true,
Sir David is boring, but he's handsome too,
Sir Reginald touches every girl's heart,
The one we can't stand is that Britomart.
Where does she get off being a knight,
For a girl to wear armor, it just isn't right.
(Exit Knights' Girls)
(Enter Sir Thomas and Sir David)
David:
Protecting the King is our primary duty. Protecting the King is what we became knights for.
Thomas:
Yup.
David:
Why, even if we were five minutes near death ourselves, we should Rise Up and protect the King.
Thomas:
Yup.
David:
Still, if a dragon were in the area, it would be duty as well to slay it.
Thomas:
Yup.
David:
Dragons are nasty fiends, you know. Have you studied them?
Thomas:
Nope.
David: I made a comprehensive study of them with Sir Drake and the Weapons Academy. They are wily creatures--more frightening that the most horrible ogre-- stronger than the greatest giant-- smarter than most sages. They are the ultimate foe. And if I am ever so fortunate to see a dragon, I will quickly eliminate the wyrm.
Thomas:
Worm?
David:
Yes, all the great authorities refer to the beasts as wyrms. It is from the root word wyrd, in the ancient tongue of scholars.
Thomas:
Okay.
(Enter Myolaena)
Myolaena
(Aside) Here you see two foolish knights who think their swords keep this nation state strong. If they were to meet a real dragon, they would find themselves petrified. He wouldn't need to lift a claw or a wing. He wouldn't need to breath fire. His very aura could drive them away crying like babies, or compel them to do anything at all.
The first is a great braggart and thinks he knows far more than he does. If I had a gold crown for each time he made a fool of himself, I should buy the kingdom. The other is such a dullard. He once locked himself in him own suit of armor.
(Enter Sir Reginald)
Reginald:
Sir David!
David:
Hail Sir Reginald, knight of the Black Shield.
Reginald:
Don't hail me! I come to challenge you! You accused me of having uncertain ancestry.
David:
Tut, tut, fellow. I merely said that you were not as noble in blood as I.
Reginald:
I can trace my ancestry back fourteen generations, to Tiberian the Black King!
(Reginald attacks. They fight back and forth across the stage.)
David: Still, I can trace my ancestry back to the grandparents of Adam and Eve.
(They fight more.)
Reginald:
Your mother was an orphan scullery maid, and your father was my father's squire.
David:
Tut, tut, fellow. You mistake me for someone else.
(They continue to fight. Reginald strikes a glancing blow. David falls.)
Myolaena:
(Aside) Oh, no. I cannot let this bragging oaf be killed. The king might find a captain of the guards who actually knows what is going on.
(To Reginald) Pain.
Reginald:
Oh! I am slain! I go for a leach!
(Exits)
David:
(Standing up) I am the victor!
Myolaena:
(Aside) He is a pin-head.
David:
My honor is vindicated!
Myolaena:
(Aside) His idiocy is proved. That other Spam in a can will be fine, but it will be some time before he decides to challenge Sir Full-of-himself to a duel again.
(Exit Thomas and David. Enter Krabbi, Mack, and Bud. Myolaena steps to the side of the stage.)
Mack:
Fish for Sale. Fresh fish!
Krabbi:
Apples! Bushel a pence!
(Enter Penny. She walks up to Mack and slaps him on the shoulder in a friendly way.)
Penny:
Hello, good fishmonger! (Steals Mack's purse) It is a lovely day today.
Mack:
Hello friend. (Exits, unknowing.)
Penny:
(Opens up purse and takes out a coin) I'll have one of your fine apples, vendor. Keep the change. (Steals Krabbi's purse.)
Krabbi:
Thank you citizen. (Exits)
(Enter David and Thomas)
Penny:
I do think I shall have a carnation for my lapel. Here you go good fellow. (Hands Bud a coin and steals his purse.)
Thomas:
What? Here! (Grabs Penny)
David:
What a piece of knavery we have here!
Thomas:
A thief.
Bud:
Why, she's stolen my purse!
David:
(Searching Penny) Looks as though the thief has more than one.
Bud:
Why she's stolen my two purses!
David:
Here you go, vendor. One. Two. It is lucky for you that we came along when we did.
Bud:
It certainly is. Very lucky indeed. (Exits, pleased)
David:
And one purse for His Majesty's soldiers. (Pockets the other purse.)
(Enter Justin and Beatrix)
King:
Sir David? Sir Thomas? What have we here?
David:
My partner and I have uncovered an errant piece of knavery. Her we have a little thief.
Thomas:
Yup.
King:
Sorceress! Can we allow such crime to run rampant in our streets?
Myolaena:
(Shrugs)
King:
You must weave some magics to protect the honest folk.
Myolaena:
(Sighs) I do what I can, Majesty.
(Aside) If I got rid of all the dishonest people, he'd have no guardsmen at all.
King:
Well, Sir David. You must carry out my orders and execute the sentence. For thievery in Illustria, we? What is it we do again?
Queen:
&nbs
p; You must cut something off, Dear.
King:
Yes, I know that. But what? Is it the right hand or the left hand?
Queen:
Perhaps a foot, Dear.
Penny:
(Aside) I like this not!
King:
Foot! Foot! Perhaps in your father's backward kingdom! Not here! Foot! Why ever did I wed such a dullard?
David:
To prevent recurrence of the crime, it should be the head, Majesty.
King:
Take her hence, and cut off? oh, cut off whatever you please. (Exits)
Penny:
(To the Queen) Majesty! Mercy, please!
Queen:
Of course, Dear. (To David) Make it a nice clean cut. And don't leave a mess. (Exits)
David:
We hear our charge and will obey.
Thomas:
Yup.
David:
What shall we cut off?
Penny:
Please Sir Knight! Can't we come to an understanding?
David:
Save your breath girl, for we are the King's men.
Myo:
(Aside) They are the King's fools, the King's lapdogs, the King's drips.
Thomas:
Yup.
David:
What shall we cut off? Her right hand?
Thomas:
Hair!
David:
Perhaps both legs?
Thomas:
Hair!
David:
I have always been partial to cutting off the nose. It spites the face, you know.