A part of him wasn’t sure he wanted to know Chloe’s story. It hit too close to home, summoned unwanted memories to the surface, memories that already haunted his nightmares. But his curiosity beat out the apprehension, and his strides were quick as he entered the office.
Chloe sat in one of the visitor’s chairs, and rather than walk around to his desk, Derek sank into the plush chair next to hers and reached for her hand. Her skin was cold, prompting him to cover her hand with both of his, trying to warm her up. Although her eyes were still rimmed with red, she’d touched up her makeup, and her face looked smooth and soft to the touch.
“Remember I mentioned those issues I had during my marriage?” she finally began, those hazel eyes locking with his.
He nodded.
“They were fertility issues. Or infertility, I guess.” Her bitterness was unmistakable. “Felix and I really wanted kids, and we started trying a couple of years into the marriage. But nothing happened. We went to a fertility doctor and had tests done, but both of us were perfectly healthy. The doctor said to give it time, so we kept trying. After two more years, we finally gave up. Felix wasn’t happy about it, but he had no interest in adoption or any other alternative methods, so we both resigned ourselves to not having children.” She smiled faintly. “A week after we decided to give up, I got pregnant.”
“That happens a lot,” Derek admitted. “Sometimes there’s no explanation for it, but it’s almost like you’re trying so hard to make it happen that you’re, I don’t know, jinxing it. And then you stop trying and presto.”
“We were over the moon. Married for four years at that point, and we couldn’t wait to start a family.” Her expression grew sad. “I miscarried after four months. We were disappointed, but I was still young and there was no reason not to try again. Six months later, I got pregnant again. This time I lasted five months before the miscarriage.”
Derek squeezed her hand. “I’m so sorry, Chloe.”
“So was I.” She shook her head in anger. “Felix didn’t take the second miscarriage too well. That’s when he started with the subtle putdowns. He said I must have done something wrong, blamed me for losing the baby. By that time, his mother had moved in with us to help with the baby, and like I said, Bianca is an absolute monster. She drove me nuts during the entire pregnancy, and sometimes I wonder if all the stress she caused me might have played a part in the miscarriage.”
“Stress can definitely affect a pregnancy,” Derek concurred.
“We waited two years before trying again, and the third pregnancy I actually carried to full term. We did genetic testing, and the doctor said everything looked perfectly fine.” Her face collapsed, and her hand trembled beneath his. “It was a boy. Stillborn.”
Derek’s throat clogged. “God, sweetheart. That must have been devastating.”
“It was. And Felix, he was furious. He started calling me defective and said I was depriving him of the one thing he wanted.” She bit her bottom lip. “I was such a mess, Derek. I was desperate to please him, so I agreed to try for another baby. I thought if I gave him what he wanted, he would stop hitting me, stop taunting me. So, I got pregnant for the fourth and last time.”
Derek’s brows knit in a frown. “Did he stop the physical abuse during this last pregnancy?”
“No.”
Anger whipped up his spine. “He still hit you, while you were carrying his child?”
She nodded numbly. “We did more testing to make sure the baby was okay, and supposedly he was, but I lost him, too, after two months. And I made it clear that I was not putting myself through that again. I refused to get pregnant ever again. By then, Felix had grown tired of being disappointed, so he agreed. But he didn’t stop terrorizing me. If anything, he just got worse.”
“And that’s when you started seeing the therapist?”
“Yes, and, well, you know the rest of the story. I spent twelve years living with a maniac. Twelve years.” She laughed without a shred of humor. “How weak does that make me, Derek?”
She hurried on before he could respond to that. “I don’t hate Sawyer,” she said softly. “If anything, I adore that kid. But it’s hard for me to open my heart to him. He’s exactly how I imagine my own boys would’ve turned out to be. They were all boys, all four babies I lost.”
She continued chewing on her lower lip until Derek reached out and cupped her jaw, stilling her nervous nibbling. He dragged his thumb over her lips, unable to resist. Her mouth was so lush, so soft. Everything about her was soft—her skin, her hair, her curvy body. But not her will. Oh, no, this woman had nerves of steel. Despite the depression she’d struggled with and the abusive situation she’d found herself in, Chloe Moreno was not weak, no matter what she believed.
“You’re not weak,” he said softly. “You did the best you could in a screwed-up situation. You know how brave you were for trying to get pregnant after each miscarriage? Allowing yourself to hope despite the disappointment that kept preceding it?”
He traced the seam of her lips and heard her breath hitch. “And trust me, sweetheart, you are not defective. There could be any number of reasons why you miscarried, and that last miscarriage? I think your sadistic son of a bitch husband beating you during the pregnancy contributed to that outcome.”
A fresh dose of anger shot through him like a cannonball as the image of Felix raising a hand to a pregnant Chloe flashed across his brain. What kind of man did that to the woman he claimed to love? And then to make her believe the loss of the baby was her fault, her defect?
His heart clenched, weeping for the woman sitting beside him. He suddenly became consumed with the need to show her how astounding she was, to prove just how wanted she was.
Before he could stop himself, he drew her into his arms, ignored her startled squeak and covered her mouth with his.
Chapter 8
Derek was kissing her. Chloe couldn’t wrap her head around it, and as his skillful tongue teased her lips open, she decided to quit trying to figure it out. The kiss was electric. It made her skin buzz and her breasts tingle, sending pulses of heat down to her core.
Her eyes closed as Derek devoured her with his mouth. Her surroundings faded, her mind unable to register anything but the feel of those firm, warm lips teasing her into oblivion. She yelped when she felt herself being yanked to her feet, and the next thing she knew, her butt collided with a hard surface. Derek’s desk.
Spreading her legs with his hands, Derek stepped into the cradle of her thighs and ground his lower body into hers, summoning a desperate moan from her lips. The hard ridge of his arousal pressing into her mound unleashed a storm of sexual excitement. Her nipples puckered and strained against the lace fabric of her bra. Her thighs clenched with need. Another moan slipped out.
Derek didn’t break the kiss, not even when his hands began a slow, torturous exploration that made her breathless. When he squeezed her breasts over her shirt, Chloe shuddered with pleasure. When he dipped one hand beneath the waistband of her pants, she nearly fell right off the desk.
“Derek,” she whimpered.
The fingers of his other hand dug into her hip, steadying her. Wrenching his mouth off hers, he met her eyes. “I’ve got you,” he said gruffly. “I’ve got you, Chloe.”
She didn’t object when he slipped his hand under her bikini panties, palming her damp folds.
They released simultaneous groans.
The passion shining in his brown eyes stole the breath from her lungs. When he stroked her aching core and discovered the proof of her excitement, pure male satisfaction flashed across his handsome face. “You want this,” he rasped.
“I need this,” she choked out.
Sensing her desperation, Derek pressed his palm over her swollen sex, applying pressure to her clit with the heel of his hand. Pleasure skyrocketed through her.
“More,” she begged.
Breathing hard, he increased his pace, the friction of his palm making her mindless with lust. When she felt the first ripp
les of release dancing in her belly, she wrapped her arms around his neck and yanked his head down for another kiss.
She exploded the moment their tongues met.
Crying out, Chloe dug her fingernails into his shoulders and gave herself over to the orgasm. Waves of bliss washed over her, heating her core, zipping over her fevered flesh, causing her mind to soar to a place where nothing but ecstasy and Derek existed.
When she finally crashed back to Earth, she let out a soft sigh, her lips curving in a sheepish smile. “Wow. That was unexpected.”
Swallowing, Derek slowly removed his hand from her pants. Her gaze landed on the unmistakable bulge straining beneath his trousers, and her mouth watered, the need to touch him so strong she almost keeled over again.
Smiling, she glided her hand down his chest toward the tantalizing proof of his need.
His breathing grew labored. “I...we can’t do this.”
Chloe’s smile faded when she noticed Derek’s agonized expression.
That one disheartening look was all it took to kick-start her mental faculties. As common sense returned, she suddenly wanted to kick herself. So much for keeping her distance. Ten minutes alone with Derek and she’d succumbed to temptation like a lovesick teenager.
No matter how hard she tried, her brain turned to mush around this man. He was so different from Felix. He treated her with respect. He listened to her. He was the kind of man she’d fantasized about marrying when she was growing up, and now that the fantasy had become a reality, now that this perfect, wonderful man was right in front of her, she couldn’t help but want to keep him close.
This had to stop, though. She couldn’t keep kissing Derek Colton whenever it struck her fancy.
Why not?
The internal question gave her pause.
Why not see this through? She couldn’t leave town until she secured a new identity, anyway. She was already staying at Derek’s house. And the chemistry between them was clearly off the charts.
So why shouldn’t she give in? Discover what being with an honorable man, a good man, could be like. She’d spent years trying to please her parents, then her patients, then her husband, and for the first time in her life, she wanted to please herself. To be selfish.
But it was obvious that Derek wasn’t on the same page. From the way he kept dragging his hands over his scalp in frustration, she knew he intended on fighting the attraction to the bitter end.
“Hey, it’s okay,” she said in the midst of his evident despair.
“No, it’s not.” Torment swam in his brown eyes. “I want you, Chloe.”
She blinked in surprise. “What?”
“I want you.” His voice was hoarse. “I’m attracted to you, and I don’t frickin’ know what to do about it.”
His honesty floored her. But why was she surprised? Derek was the most up-front man she’d ever met.
“I was just thinking the same thing,” she admitted. “Wondering what to do about us.”
“What’d you come up with?” he asked wryly.
She took a courageous breath, then exhaled in a rush. “That I want to be selfish. That I want to forget about everything and just be with you for as long as I can.”
He shifted uneasily.
Chloe slid off the desk and took a step toward him. She thought he’d object, but when she placed her hand on the center of his muscular chest, he sagged into her touch.
“What’s really going on, Derek?” she asked softly. “I know we talked about the reasons why getting involved would be a bad idea, but this goes deeper, doesn’t it?” She studied his face. “Do you feel it’ll be a betrayal to your wife if you got involved with me?”
He shook his head.
“Then what is it?”
The resulting silence brought the ache of disappointment, but just when she thought he wouldn’t answer, he opened his mouth and shocked the hell out of her.
“If we got involved, I fear I’ll end up disappointing you.”
She gaped at him. “Why would you ever think that? God, Derek, you could never disappoint me. If anything, you’re too good for me.”
Sighing, Derek brought one hand to her face and gently stroked her cheek. Her left cheek. And it startled Chloe to realize she hadn’t even flinched.
“Don’t say things like that,” he said roughly. “You’re an incredible woman, Chloe. Any man would be lucky to have you.”
He took her hand and moved it right over his heart. She felt the erratic beating vibrating beneath her fingertips. “But me?” he went on. “I’m not the big catch you think I am.”
She highly doubted that. Derek was the kindest, most honorable man she’d ever met, and nothing he said would make her believe otherwise.
Sighing, she twined her fingers through his and led him back to the chairs, tugging on his arm to force him to sit next to her. “What happened to make you think that, Derek?” And why did she get the feeling it had everything to do with his late wife?
Sure enough, her suspicions proved correct.
“Tess happened.” His deep voice cracked. “I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t heal her.”
Her brows furrowed. “Was she sick?”
After a long beat, he nodded. “She was bipolar. I knew that before we got married—she told me when we first started dating. She was taking medication for it at that point and had the symptoms under control.”
“But she went off the meds,” Chloe guessed.
“Around the time we moved to Eden Falls. She said the meds made her feel as if she were living in a dream, like she wasn’t herself.” He made a frustrated grumble at the back of his throat. “She insisted that she could control the mood swings, and she was seeing a therapist, which seemed to help her. She’d be good for months at a time, and then suddenly she’d have a manic episode that lasted for days. Losing her temper, drinking, being hyperactive. She’d talk a mile a minute, freak out without provocation—she was just...well, manic.”
Chloe squeezed his hand. From what she knew of the disorder, the manic periods often went hand in hand with depression, and so she said, “And then the depression would set in?”
His Adam’s apple twitched as he gulped. “Big-time. She wouldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. She threatened suicide every other minute, drank more. She would call me at the hospital—this was before I opened the clinic—and I’d rush home, expecting to find her dead.”
His anguish dug deep creases in his face. “I begged her to go back on the meds, which she eventually agreed to do.” His jaw clenched. “But she didn’t take them regularly, and she kept messing around with the dosages, until I had to stand there every morning and make sure she took her pill. Then I’d take the whole bottle with me so she couldn’t abuse it. Which only led her to consume more alcohol instead. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave Sawyer or Piper with her anymore. That’s why I hired Julia. I didn’t trust Tess with them.”
Chloe realized how difficult that must have been for him to admit. She lifted her hand and stroked the strong edge of his jaw, her heart breaking for him. It was funny, but she’d always imagined Derek’s life to be perfect—adopted by wonderful parents, surrounded by loving siblings, successful in his career. It just went to show that you had no idea what went on behind closed doors.
“Julia agreed to work full-time, and Tess and I moved out of the big house,” he went on. He clutched her hand, squeezing hard. “I did everything I could to help her, Chloe. I tried to be a good husband, a good provider. A shoulder for her to lean on, a support system. But nothing I did worked. She got worse, and the night before she—” He seemed to choke on the words. “The night before she died, I suggested we admit her to a psychiatric facility.”
Chloe gasped. “I imagine she didn’t take that well.”
“Not at all, but I was at the end of my rope. I didn’t know what to do.” A tortured look entered his brown eyes. “She cried. Yelled. Hit me. Threw things. But in the end, she finally agreed that it might be for the be
st, that intense therapy combined with stronger medication might be the only solution.” He paused, breathing hard. “She never made it to the facility. I’d opened the clinic by then and had to make a late house call to one of the Amish families in Paradise Ridge. Tess was sleeping when I left.”
Dread climbed up Chloe’s throat. “What happened?”
“I guess she started drinking when I was gone.” His breathing grew shallow. “She phoned while I was with my patient, but I didn’t take the call. She left a message, which I checked about an hour later. She sounded drunk, frantic. She said she needed air and was going for a drive.”
“Oh, God,” Chloe whispered.
“She mentioned Eden Falls Bridge in the message—it was one of her favorite places in town because it’s right near the waterfall.” Derek’s voice took on a faraway note. “I drove there as fast as I could, but I was too late. When I pulled up to the bridge, the cops were already there, and our SUV was already in the river.” He blew out a ragged breath. “Tess died on impact.”
Without thinking twice, Chloe wrapped her arms around Derek’s neck and pulled him close. She stroked his back in soothing motions, then tilted her head to meet his eyes. “Was it an accident, or...?” She let the question hang.
“I don’t know,” he croaked. He curled his hands into fists and rested them on Chloe’s shoulders, his head dipping down in defeat. “To this day, I have no idea if she killed herself, or if the drinks she’d consumed that night caused her to lose control of the car. She didn’t mention suicide in the message or leave a note, so I don’t know, Chloe. I just don’t know.”
She held him tighter, cupping the back of his head and running her fingers over the bristly dark hairs of his buzz cut. “It’s okay,” she murmured.
“There’s something else I didn’t tell you.” He gazed at her with wild eyes. “Tess was pregnant.”
Chloe’s jaw fell open.
“She never told me,” Derek added, an uncharacteristic flash of anger glittering in his eyes. “The medical examiner said she was seventeen weeks along. It was a boy.”