“Really? You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
“He likes you a lot, Heather. And he definitely doesn’t think you’re a dork.”
“You sure had a cow when you walked in on us.”
Daisy repressed a smile. “It’s very threatening to an older woman when a younger woman goes after her man.”
Heather nodded wisely. “Yeah. But, Daisy, I don’t think Alex would ever screw around on you. Honest. Jill and Madeline and all of them were talking about how he never even notices them anymore, not even if they’re lying out in their bikinis. I think it pisses them off.”
“Heather . . .”
“Sorry. It annoys them.” She absentmindedly shredded the edge of her hamburger bun. “Can I ask you something? It’s about . . . well . . . when you have sex and everything. I mean, aren’t you embarrassed?”
Daisy noticed that Heather’s fingernails were bitten to the quick, and she knew it wasn’t worry about sex that had done that to her, but a guilty conscience. “When it’s right, it’s not embarrassing.”
“But how do you know when it’s right?”
“You take your time and get to know the person. And, Heather, you wait until after you’re married.”
Heather rolled her eyes. “Nobody waits until they’re married anymore.”
“I did.”
“Yeah, but you’re sort of—”
“A dork?”
“Yeah. But a nice—” Her eyes widened with the first sign of real animation Daisy had seen on her face in weeks. She set down her Coke. “Oh god, don’t look!”
“At what?”
“The door. By the door. That boy who hung around to talk to me yesterday just came in. He’s—oh god, he is so cute.”
“Where?”
“At the register. Don’t look! He’s got on a black tank and shorts. Hurry, but don’t let him see you looking.”
Daisy perused the area near the registers as casually as possible. She spotted the teenager studying the menu. He was about Heather’s age, with shaggy brown hair and an adorably dopey expression on his face. Daisy was delighted that, for once, Heather was acting like a normal teenager instead of someone with the weight of the world on her shoulders.
“What if he sees me?” Heather wailed. “Oh, shit! My hair—”
“Don’t swear. And your hair looks fine.”
Heather ducked her head, and Daisy knew the boy was approaching.
“Hi.”
Heather made a great business out of stirring the ice in her Coke before she looked up. “Hi.”
Both of them flushed and Daisy could see each of them searching for something brilliant to say. The boy finally plunged in. “What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“You, uh, going to be around today? I mean, like, over at the circus.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
Another long pause, this one broken by Heather. “This is Daisy. You might remember her from the show and everything. She’s like my best friend. Daisy, this is Kevin.”
“Hello, Kevin.”
“Hi. I, uh, liked you in the show.”
“Thank you.”
Having exhausted that path of conversation, he turned back to Heather. “Me and this guy Jeff—you don’t know him, but he’s pretty cool—we were thinking we might hang around there for a while.”
“Okay.”
“Maybe we’ll see you.”
“Yeah. That’d be cool.”
Silence.
“Okay, see you.”
“Yeah, see ya.”
As he stumbled off, a dreamy expression came over Heather’s face, followed, almost immediately, by uncertainty. “Do you think he likes me?”
“Definitely.”
“What am I going to do if he asks me out tonight, like between shows or something? You know Dad won’t let me go.”
“You’ll have to tell Kevin the truth. Your father’s very strict, and you’re not allowed to date until you’re thirty.” Once again, Heather rolled her eyes, but Daisy didn’t let it put her off.
She considered Heather’s dilemma. It would be good for her to have a romance, even a twelve-hour one. She needed to behave like a normal teenager for a while instead of someone doing penance. Still, she knew Heather was right and Brady would object.
“How about if you show Kevin around? He’ll like that. Then if you go sit over by the trucks, your father will be able to keep his eye on you, but you’ll have some privacy.”
“I guess that’ll work.” Heather’s forehead wrinkled with entreaty. “Will you talk to Dad and make sure he doesn’t embarrass me?”
“I’ll talk to him.”
“Don’t let him say something stupid in front of Kevin. Please, Daisy.”
“I’ll do my best.”
She dipped her head and poked her index finger at her empty french fry container. Once again her shoulders slumped, and Daisy could see the guilt cloud descending.
“When I think about what I did to you, I feel like such a shit—creep! I meant creep.” She looked up. “You know I’m sorry, don’t you?”
“Yes.” She didn’t know how to help her. Heather had tried to atone for what she’d done in all the ways she knew how. The only thing she hadn’t done was go to her father with the truth, and Daisy didn’t want her to do that. Heather’s relationship with Brady was already difficult enough and that would only make it harder.
“Daisy, I’d never . . . I mean that thing with Alex was just because I was immature. He was so nice to me, but I’d never come on to him now or anything, if you were worrying about that.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Daisy busied herself collecting their trash so Heather wouldn’t see her smile.
The teenager wrinkled her nose. “No offense, Daisy. He’s sexy and everything, but he’s really old.”
Daisy nearly choked.
Heather gazed over at the registers where Kevin was finally placing his order. “He is so cute.”
“Alex?”
Heather looked horrified. “No! Kevin!”
“Ahh. Well, Alex is no Kevin, that’s for sure.”
Heather nodded solemnly. “That’s for sure.”
This time Daisy couldn’t help it. She began to giggle, and to her delight, Heather joined in.
When they arrived back at the lot, Heather went off to work with Sheba. Daisy unpacked the groceries she’d picked up and collected the produce treats she’d bought for the animals, grateful that Alex had never once protested these expensive additions to their grocery bill. Now that she knew he was only a poor college professor, she’d tried to be even more careful about their expenses, but she would cut back on their own food before she’d short the animals.
As had become her practice, she stopped first by the elephants to collect Tater, and he trailed her to the menagerie. Sinjun generally ignored the baby elephant, but this time he picked up his proud head and regarded his rival with haughty condescension.
She loves me best, you annoying infant, and don’t ever forget it.
Lollipop and Chester were tethered outside the tent, and Tater took his customary spot nearby, where a pile of clean hay awaited him. Daisy walked over to Sinjun and reached through the bars to scratch behind his ears. He found animal baby talk demeaning, so she didn’t coo to him as she did to the others.
She treasured her time with the animals. Sinjun had thrived under her care, and his burnt orange coat now shone with health. Sometimes, very early in the morning when everything was quiet and they were in a deserted area, Daisy crept from her cozy place curled up next to Alex’s side and let Sinjun out of his cage so the great cat could roam in freedom, if only for a little while.
They romped together in the dew-streaked grass, Sinjun keeping his claws carefully sheathed, Daisy maintaining a watchful eye for other early risers. Now, as she caressed him, a feeling of lethargy crept through her.
Sinjun stared de
eply into her eyes. Tell him.
I will.
Tell him.
Soon. I’ll tell him soon.
How long would it be before the new life growing inside her stirred? She couldn’t be more than six weeks pregnant, so it would be a while yet. Since she hadn’t missed a single dose of her birth control pills, she had attributed her symptoms to stress, but last week after she’d thrown up in a truck stop rest room, she’d finally bought a testing kit and discovered the truth.
She toyed with one of Sinjun’s ears. She knew she had to tell Alex soon, but she wasn’t quite ready. He’d be upset at first—she wouldn’t delude herself about that—but as soon as he adjusted, she was sure he’d be happy about it. He had to be happy, she told herself firmly. He loved her. He just hadn’t admitted it yet. And he was going to love their baby.
Even though he still hadn’t spoken the words she needed to hear aloud, she knew he had deep feelings for her. How else could she account for the tenderness she saw reflected in his eyes at the most unexpected times or the contentment that seemed to radiate from him when they were together? Sometimes it was hard for her to remember how seldom he had laughed when they’d first met.
She knew he liked being with her. Between the close quarters of the trailer and the long miles they traveled in the truck nearly every morning, they spent more time together than most couples, yet he still sought her out during the day to share a story he knew she would enjoy, grumble about a problem with a local official, or simply give her a quick, proprietary pat on the bottom. Their daily meal between the matinee and evening performances had become an important ritual for both of them. And at night, after the work was done, they made love with a passion and a freedom she hadn’t believed possible.
She could no longer imagine life without him, and as one day faded into another and he stopped mentioning their divorce, she knew he couldn’t imagine them separated either. That was the real reason she didn’t want to tell him about the baby. She wanted to give him just a little more time to get used to loving her.
The next morning all heck broke loose. Alex awakened not long after she’d slipped out of bed and discovered her in the deserted field behind the trailers playing with Sinjun. Two hours later he was still upset about it.
It was her morning to drive. They’d begun sharing driving duties when he’d realized she wasn’t going to strip the gears on the truck and that she enjoyed being behind the wheel.
“I should have driven this morning,” he said. “It would have kept my hands busy so I didn’t have this urge to wrap them around your neck.”
“Now, Alex relax.”
“Relax, my ass!”
She glared at him.
He glowered back. “Promise me you won’t let Sinjun out of his cage anymore.”
“We weren’t in a town, and there wasn’t a soul around, so will you stop worrying.”
“That doesn’t sound anything like a promise.”
She gazed out at the flat Indiana farmland that stretched on each side of the two-lane highway. “Have you noticed Jack and Jill are spending a lot of time together lately. Wouldn’t it be funny if they got married? Because of their names, I mean.”
“Stop weaseling around the subject and give me your word that you won’t keep putting yourself in danger.” He took a sip from the earthenware coffee mug he clutched in his hand.
“Do you really believe Sinjun would hurt me?”
“He’s not a house cat, regardless of the way you treat him. Wild animals are unpredictable. You aren’t to let him out of his cage again, do you understand me? Not under any circumstances.”
“I asked you a question. Do you think he’d hurt me?”
“Not on purpose. He’s bonded to you, that’s for sure, but the circus is full of stories about supposedly docile animals turning on their handlers. And Sinjun’s hardly docile.”
“He is with me, and he hates the cage. He really does. I told you earlier that I never let him out if we’re close to a residential area. And you’ll notice that no one was around this morning. If anyone had been stirring, I wouldn’t have opened the door.”
“You’re not opening it again, so none of this matters.” He finished his coffee and set the mug down on the floor of the cab. “What happened to the woman I married? The one who didn’t believe civilized people got out of bed before eleven?”
“She married a circus bum.”
She heard his deep chuckle, and returned her attention to the road. She knew the matter of letting Sinjun out of his cage was resolved as far as he was concerned, and she hoped he wouldn’t notice that she hadn’t made any promises.
Heather closed the door of the Airstream and stepped out into the night. She wore a yellow cotton Garfield nightshirt, and her feet were bare as they sank into the damp grass. The big top had been taken down, but she was too sick inside to pay attention to the familiar sights of the circus disbanding. Instead, her attention was riveted on her father, who sat outside their Airstream in a blue-and-white webbed lawn chair smoking the one cigar he allowed himself each week.
For once there weren’t any women hanging around him. No showgirls, and none of the townies who were always after him. The idea of her dad having sex totally grossed her out, even though she knew he probably did. But at least he made sure she didn’t find out about it, which was more than she could say for her brothers. Her dad was always getting on them for talking nasty around her.
He still hadn’t seen her, and as he took another drag on his cigar, the red tip glowed. Heather hadn’t eaten any dinner, but she still felt like she was going to throw up, just from thinking about what she had to do tonight. If only she could stuff her fingers in her ears and drown out the voice of her conscience, but it kept growing louder each day. It had gotten so she couldn’t sleep at night and food didn’t want to stay in her stomach. Keeping silent had turned into a worse punishment than telling the truth.
“Dad—uh—can I talk to you?” She had a big frog in her throat, and the words came out sort of croaky.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“I can’t sleep.”
“Again? What’s wrong with you lately?”
“It’s—” She twisted her hands. He was going to freak when she told him, but she couldn’t keep going on like this, knowing how she’d screwed Daisy over but not doing anything to make it right.
If Daisy had turned out to be a bitch, it might have been different, but she was the nicest person Heather had ever met. Sometimes she wished Daisy had narked on her right at the beginning. Then it would all be over by now.
“What’s wrong, Heather? You still worried about missing your cue tonight?”
“No.”
“Well, maybe you should worry about it. I don’t know why you can’t concentrate better. When Matt and Rob were your age—”
“I’m not Matt and Rob!” Her frayed nerves snapped. “It’s always Matt and Rob, Matt and Rob! They do every thing perfect, and I’m a big screwup!”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You think it. You’re always comparing us. If I’d been able to come live with you right after Mom died instead of having to stay with Terry, I’d be a lot better by now.”
He didn’t get mad. Instead, he rubbed his arm, and she knew his tendonitis was bothering him. “Heather, I did what I thought was right for you. This is a hard life. I want something better for you.”
“I like it here. I like the circus.”
“You don’t understand.”
She sat down in the chair next to him because it was getting too hard to stand up. This had been the worst and the best summer of her life. The best part was being around Daisy and Sheba. Even though they didn’t get along with each other, they both cared about her. Although she’d never let Daisy know it, she liked listening to her lectures about swearing and smoking and sex and stuff. Plus, Daisy was funny, and she was a natural petter, always rubbing Heather’s arm or back or something.
Sheba fussed ov
er her in a different way. She stuck up for her when her brothers got obnoxious and made sure she ate good stuff instead of junk. She helped her with her acrobatics and didn’t ever yell, not even when Heather screwed up. Sheba was kind of a petter, too, always brushing Heather’s hair or adjusting her posture or just patting her after she was done performing.
Meeting Kevin last week had also been really good. He’d promised to write, and Heather was going to write him back. He hadn’t kissed her that night, but she thought he’d wanted to.
If only everything else this summer hadn’t been so terrible. She’d embarrassed herself so bad with Alex that her skin felt crawly whenever she thought about it. Her dad was always mad at her. And worst of all was what she’d done to Daisy, the awful thing she couldn’t live with one minute longer.
“Dad, I have something to tell you.” She clutched her hands. “Something bad.”
He stiffened. “You’re not pregnant, are you?”
“No!” Color flooded her cheeks. “You always think the worst about me!”
He slumped back in his chair. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. It’s just that you’re getting older, and you’re so pretty. I worry about you.”
It was the nicest thing he’d said to her all summer, but she couldn’t even enjoy it because of what she had to tell him. Maybe she should have told Sheba first, but Sheba wasn’t the one she feared; it was her father. Tears stung the back of her eyelids, but she blinked them away because men hated tears. Matt and Rob said only pussies cried.
“I—I did something. And I can’t keep it a secret anymore.”
He didn’t say anything. He merely watched her and waited.
“It’s just—it’s like something ugly inside me that keeps getting bigger and won’t stop growing.”
“Maybe you’d better tell me.”
“I”—she gulped—“That money—when everybody thought Daisy stole that money . . .” The words burst free. “It was me.”
For a moment he did nothing, then he shot to his feet. “What!”
She looked up at him, and even in the shadowed darkness she could see the fury in his expression. Her insides churned, but she made herself continue. “It was me. I—I took the money, and then I sneaked in their trailer and hid it in her suitcase so everybody’d think she took it.”