She has different clothes now, too, because Zenia has redesigned her. She has black corduroy jeans, and a pullover with a huge rolled collar in which her head sits like an egg in its nest, and a gigantic wraparound green scarf. It's not as though you can't afford it, says Zenia, propelling her through the stores. The pageboy with the velvet hairband is gone; instead, Tony's hair is cut short and tousled on top, with artful wisps coming out of it. Some days Tony thinks she looks a little like Audrey Hepburn; other days, like an electrocuted mop. Much more sophisticated, Zenia has pronounced. She has also made Tony exchange her normal-sized horn-rimmed glasses for bigger ones, enormous ones.
"But they're too exaggerated," said Tony. "Unbalanced."
"That's what beauty is," said Zenia. "Exaggerated. Unbalanced. Pay more attention and you'll see."
This is the theory behind the outsized sweaters too, the blanketlike scarves: Tony, swimming within them, is rendered even scrawnier. "I look like a stick," she says. "I look ten!"
"Slender," says Zenia. "Juvenile. Some men like that."
"Then they're warped," says Tony.
"Listen to me, Antonia," says Zenia seriously. "All men are warped. This is something you must never forget."
The waitress comes, dollops of fat under her chin, support hose on her legs and clumpy shoes on her feet, a grey bibbed bosom with a stain of ketchup on it bulging out in front. Indifferently she refills their cups. "She's one too," says Zenia, when her back is turned. "A prostie. In her spare time."
Tony scans the stolid rump, the bored slope of the shoulders, the straggling bun of dead-squirrel-coloured hair. "No!" she says. "Who would want to?"
"Bet you anything," says Zenia. "Go on!"
She means that Tony should continue with whatever story she's been telling, but Tony can scarcely remember where she was. This friendship with Zenia has been very sudden. She feels as if she's being dragged along on a rope, behind a speeding motorboat, with the waves sloshing over her and her ears full of applause; or as if she's racketing downhill on a bicycle, with no hands and no brakes either. She's out of control; at the same time, she's unusually alert, as if the small hairs on her arms and on the back of her neck are standing straight up. These are perilous waters. But why? They're only talking.
Though it's making Tony dizzy, all this reckless verbiage. She's never listened so much to one person; also, she herself has never said so much, so heedlessly. She has hardly gone in for self-revelation, in her previous life. Who was there to tell? She has no idea what might come reeling out, the next time she opens her mouth.
"Go on," says Zenia once more, leaning forward, across the speckled-brown table, the half-empty cups, the butts in the brown metal ashtray. And Tony does.
21
What Tony is telling about is her mother. This is the first time Tony has ever said very much to anyone about her mother, beyond the bare bones, that is. Lost and gone, says Tony, and Dreadful sorry, says everyone else. Why say more? Who would be interested?
Zenia is, as it turns out. She can see it's a painful subject for Tony, but this doesn't deter her; if anything it spurs her on. She pushes and prods and makes all the right noises, curious and amazed, horrified, indulgent, and relentless, and pulls Tony inside out like a sock.
It takes time, because Tony has no single clear image of her mother. The memory of her is composed of shiny fragments, like a vandalized mosaic, or like something brittle that's been dropped on the floor. Every once in a while Tony takes out the pieces and arranges and rearranges them, trying to make them fit. (Though she hasn't spent very long at this yet. The wreck is too immediate.)
So all Zenia can get out of her is a handful of shards. Why does she want such a thing? That's for Zenia to know and Tony to find out. But, in the entranced and voluble moment, it doesn't occur to Tony even to ask.
Tony was hardened off early. This is what she calls it by now, ruefully, in her cellar, at three a.m., with the shambles of Otto the Red's clove army strewn on the sand-table behind her and West sleeping the sleep of the unjust upstairs, and Zenia raging unchecked, somewhere out there in the city. "Hardened off" is a term she's lifted from Charis, who has explained that it's what you do to seedlings to toughen them up and make them frost-resistant and help them to transplant better. You don't water them very much, and you leave them outside in the cold. This is what happened to Tony. She was a premature baby, as her mother was fond of telling her, and was kept in a glass box. (Was there a note of regret in her mother's voice, as if it was a pity that she was eventually taken out?) So Tony spent her first days motherless. Nor - in the long run - did things improve.
For instance:
When Tony was five, her mother decided she would take her tobogganing. Tony knew what tobogganing was, although she had never done it. Her mother had only a vague idea, gleaned from Christmas cards. But it was one of her romantic English images of Canada.
Where did she get the toboggan? Probably she borrowed it from one of her bridge club friends. She zipped Tony into her snowsuit and got them to the tobogganing hill in a taxi. The toboggan was just a small one, so it fit into the back seat, on a slant, along with Tony. Her mother sat in the front. Tony's father had the car that day, as he did most days. This was just as well, as the streets were icy and Tony's mother was at best a spontaneous driver.
By the time they got to the tobogganing hill the sun was low and huge and dimly pink in the grey winter sky, and the shadows were bluish. The hill was very high. It was on the side of a ravine, and covered with close-packed, icy snow. Groups of screaming children and a few adults were careering down it on sleighs and toboggans and large pieces of cardboard. Some had overturned, and there were pile-ups. Those that reached the bottom disappeared behind a clump of dark fir trees.
Tony's mother stood at the top of the hill, staring down, holding the toboggan by its rope as if restraining it. "There," she said. "Isn't that nice?" She was pleating her lips, the way she did when she put on lipstick, and Tony could tell that the scene before her was not exactly what she'd had in mind. She was wearing her downtown coat and hat, and nylon stockings and little boots with high heels and fur tops. She didn't have slacks or a ski suit or a Hudson's Bay coat and earmuffs like the other adults there, and it occurred to Tony that her mother expected her to go down the hill on the toboggan all by herself.
Tony felt an urgent need to pee. She knew how difficult this would be, considering her clumsy two-piece snowsuit with the elastic braces over the shoulders, and what annoyance it would cause her mother - there was not a washroom in sight - so she said nothing about it. Instead she said, "I don't want to." She knew that if she ever went down that hill she would flip over, she would crash into something, she would be crushed. One small child was being led up the hill, howling, with blood running from its nose.
Tony's mother hated having her scenarios foiled. People should enjoy themselves when she wanted them to. "Come on," she said. "I'll give you a push. It'll be lovely!"
Tony sat down on the ground, which was her habitual means of protest. Crying did not work, not with her mother. It was likely to produce a slap, or at best a shake. She had never been much of a crier.
Her mother glanced down at her with disgust. "I'll show you how!" she said. Her eyes were sparkling, her teeth were set: it was the look she got when she was willing herself to be brave, when she was refusing to be defeated. Before Tony knew what was happening her mother had picked up the toboggan and run with it to the brink of the hill. There she threw it onto the snow and hurled herself on top of it, and went whizzing down, flat on her belly, with her beige legs in their nylons and her fur-topped boots sticking straight up behind her. Almost immediately her hat came off.
She went at an astonishing speed. As she diminished down the slope, into the dusk, Tony clambered to her feet. Her mother was going away from her, she was vanishing, and Tony would be left alone on the cold hill.
"No! No!" she screamed. (Unusual for her to have screamed: she must have been te
rrified.) But inside herself she could hear another voice, also hers, which was shouting, fearlessly and with ferocious delight:
On! On!
As a child, Tony kept a diary. Every January she would write her name in the front of it, in block letters:
TONY FREMONT
Then under it she would write her other name:
TNOMERF YNOT
This name had a Russian or Martian sound to it, which pleased her. It was the name of an alien, or a spy. Sometimes it was the name of a twin, an invisible twin; and when Tony grew up and learned more about left-handedness she was faced with the possibility that she might in fact have been a twin, the left-handed half of a divided egg, the other half of which had died. But when she was little her twin was merely an invention, the incarnation of her sense that part of her was missing. Although she was a twin, Tnomerf Ynot was a good deal taller than Tony herself. Taller, stronger, more daring.
Tony wrote her outer name with her right hand and her other name, her inner one, with her left; although, officially, she was forbidden to write with her left hand, or to do anything else of importance with it. Nobody had told her why. About the closest she'd come to an explanation was a speech of Anthea's - of her mother's - in which she'd said that the world was not constructed for the left-handed. She also said that Tony would understand better when she grew up, which was just another of Anthea's assurances that failed to come true.
When Tony was younger the teachers at school would slap her left hand or hit it with rulers, as if she'd been caught picking her nose with it. One teacher tied it to the side of her desk. The other children might have teased her about this, but they didn't. They couldn't see the logic of it, any more than she could.
That was a school Tony got yanked out of quickly. Usually it took Anthea eight months or more before she got fed up with a school. It was true that Tony couldn't spell very well, or not according to the teachers. They said she reversed letters. They said she had trouble with numbers. They would say this to Anthea, and Anthea would say that Tony was gifted, and then Tony would know it would soon be time for a change because very shortly now Anthea would lose her temper and start insulting the teachers. Nincompoops was one of the nicer names she called them. She wanted Tony changed, fixed, turned right side up, and she wanted it to happen overnight.
Tony could do things easily with her left hand, things her right hand would stumble over. In her right-handed life she was awkward, and her handwriting was lumpish and clumsy. But that made no difference: despite its good performance her left hand was scorned, but her right hand was bribed and encouraged. It wasn't fair, but Anthea said that life wasn't fair.
Secretly Tony continued to write left-handed; but she felt guilty about it. She knew there must be something shameful about her left hand or it would not have been humiliated like that. It was the hand she loved best, all the same.
It's November, and the afternoon is already darkening. Earlier there was a dusting of snow, but now it's drizzling. The drizzle runs down the living-room windows in icy, sinuous trickles; a few brown leaves are stuck to the outside of the glass like leather tongues.
Tony kneels on the chesterfield with her nose pressed against the window, making fog patches with her breath. When the patch is big enough she writes on it, squeakily, with her index finger. Then she rubs out the words. Kcuf, she writes. This is a word too bad even for her diary. Tihs. She writes these words with fear and awe, but also with a superstitious relish. They are Tnomerf Ynot words. They make her feel powerful, in charge of something.
She breathes and writes and rubs out, breathes and writes. The air is unfresh, filled with the dry, burnt smell of the chintz curtains. All the time she's writing, she's listening to the silence of the house behind her. She's used to silences: she can distinguish between full silences and empty ones, between those that come before and those that come after. Just because there's a silence it doesn't mean that nothing is going on.
Tony kneels at the window as long as she dares. At last she sees her mother walking quickly along the street from the corner, head down against the drizzle, her fur collar turned up, her face hidden by her maroon hat. She's carrying a wrapped package.
Probably it's a dress, because clothes are a solace for Anthea; when she's feeling "blue," as she calls it, she goes shopping. Tony has been dragged downtown on these expeditions many times, when Anthea couldn't figure out where else to stash her. She's waited outside change rooms, sweating in her winter coat, while Anthea has tried things on and then more things, and has come out in her stocking feet and done a pirouette in front of the full-length mirror, smoothing the cloth down over her hips. Anthea doesn't often buy clothes for Tony; she says she could dress Tony in a potato sack and Tony wouldn't notice. But Tony does notice, she notices a great deal. She just doesn't think it would make any difference whether she wore a potato sack or not. Any difference to Anthea, that is.
Tony gets up from the chesterfield and begins her piano practice. Playing the piano is supposed to strengthen her right hand, though everyone including Tony knows that Tony isn't musical and that these lessons will lead nowhere. How could they? Tony, with her little rodent paws, can't even span an octave.
Tony practises doggedly, trying to keep time to the ticking metronome, and squinting at the music because she's forgotten to turn on the piano lamp, and because, without realizing it, she's becoming near-sighted. The piece she's playing is called "Gavotte." Ettovag. It's a good word; she will think of a use for it, later. The piano reeks of lemon oil. Ethel, who comes in to clean, has been told not to polish the keys with it - she's only supposed to use a damp cloth - but she pays no attention, and Tony's fingers will smell of lemon oil for hours. It's a formal smell, an adult smell, ominous. It comes before parties.
She hears the front door open and close, and feels the cold draft from it on her legs. After a few minutes her mother walks into the living room. Tony can hear the high heels, tapping on the hardwood floor, then muffled by the carpet. She plays on, banging the keys down to show her mother how studious she is.
"That's enough for today, don't you think, Tony?" her mother says gaily. Tony is puzzled: usually Anthea wants her to practise as long as possible. She wants her safely occupied, somewhere out of the way.
Tony stops playing and turns to look at her. She's taken off her coat, but she still has her hat on, and, oddly, her matching maroon gloves. The hat has a spotted half-veil that comes down over her eyes and part of her nose. Below the veil is her mouth, slightly blurred around the edges, as if her lipstick has run because of the rain. She puts her hands up behind her head, to unpin her hat.
"I haven't done a half-hour yet," says Tony. She still believes that the dutiful completion of pre-set tasks will cause her to be loved, although in some dim corner of herself she knows this hasn't worked yet and most likely never will.
Anthea takes down her hands, leaving her hat in place. "Don't you think you deserve a little holiday today?" she says, smiling at Tony. Her teeth are very white in the dim room.
"Why?" says Tony. She can see nothing special about this day. It isn't her birthday.
Anthea sits down beside her on the piano bench and slides her left arm with its leather-gloved hand around Tony's shoulders. She gives a little squeeze. "You poor thing," she says. She puts the fingers of her other hand under Tony's chin and turns her face up. The leather hand is lifeless and cool, like the hand of a doll.
"I want you to know," she says, "that Mother truly, truly loves you."
Tony pulls back within herself. Anthea has said this before. When she says it her breath smells the way it does now, of smoke and of the empty glasses left on the kitchen counter in the mornings after parties, and on other mornings as well. Glasses with damp cigarette butts in them, and broken glasses, on the floor.
She never says "I truly, truly love you." It's always Mother, as if Mother is someone else.
Rehtom, thinks Tony. Evol. The metronome ticks on.
Anthea gazes
down at her, holding onto her with her two gloved hands. In the semi-dark her eyes behind the spots of her veil are sooty black, bottomless; her mouth is tremulous. She bends over and presses her cheek to Tony's, and Tony feels the rasp of the veil and the damp, creamy skin under it, and smells her, a smell of violet perfume and underarms mixed with dress cloth, and a salty, eggy smell, like strange mayonnaise. She doesn't know why Anthea is acting like this, and she's embarrassed. All Anthea does normally is kiss her goodnight, a little peck; she's shaking all over, and for a moment Tony thinks - hopes - it's with laughter.
Then she lets go of Tony and gets up and moves to the window, and stands with her back turned, unpinning her hat really this time. She takes it off and throws it down on the sofa, and fluffs out her dark hair at the back. After a moment she kneels and looks out. "Who's been making all these smudges?" she says, in a higher, tighter voice. It's the voice she uses for mimicking happiness, when she's angry with Tony's father and wants to show him she doesn't care. She knows the smudges are Tony's. Ordinarily she'd be irritated, she'd make some remark about how much it costs to have Ethel clean the windows, but this time she laughs, breathlessly, as if she's been running.
"Nose marks, just like a dog. Guppy, you are such a funny child."
Guppy is a name from long ago. Anthea's story is that she called Tony that right after she was born, because of her time in the incubator. Anthea would come and look at Tony through the glass, and Tony's mouth would be opening and closing but there wouldn't be any sound. Or Anthea said she couldn't hear any. She kept the name because later, when Tony was out of danger and she'd taken her home, Tony scarcely cried; she just opened and closed her mouth. Anthea tells this story as if it's funny.
This nickname - enclosed by quotation marks - is pencilled in below Tony's baby pictures, in Anthea's white leather My Baby photo album: " 'Guppy,' 18 months"; " 'Guppy' and Me"; " 'Guppy' and her Dad." After a while Anthea must have stopped taking these pictures, or stopped sticking them in, because there are just blank pages.