He held my hand as I led him to my first class, one I shared with my friend Erika. She didn’t sit with me, didn’t even look my way, but she tensed as she passed, her gaze rapidly turning in every direction but directly at me.
“This is making me uncomfortable,” I said. “I want it to stop.”
“Brendan’s right. You’re extremely bossy for a human.”
“So says the king. Have you made anyone bow to you today?”
“Not yet. Perhaps I’ll start with you.”
“Don’t count on it, unless you plan on using faery magic.”
He stroked my hand. “Do I need to?”
“You’re starting to sound like Brendan. You two are spending way too much time together.”
His laughter broke the strange silence. Everyone in the room flinched, but not one person looked at us or said anything.
“So creepy,” I whispered. I stared at his fingers against my skin. “You’re different today.”
“Is that a problem?”
“No, I’m just… confused.”
His hand moved to my leg. “You told me to make the most of the time I have left, right?” He smiled at my frown. “The real reason? It helps me stay. It’s my own body, and I don’t feel comfortable in it unless you’re there, uh, feeding me. You make it easier to be strong sometimes, and I don’t know why, but I thank you for it. And now you should pay attention. That’s what we’re here for, right?”
He moved his hands onto the table, but his thigh still pressed against mine. My cheeks burned. He needed me, and I felt as though I needed him, too.
I spent one nice, almost normal day with Drake. He told me more about what Brendan did every day and what he thought would happen at the ceremony. I started to imagine what it would be like if he were human, if that day could be my life every day. It was the first time I had ever kissed someone I could actually see a future with, and he was the one who had no future at all.
We strolled home together that afternoon. I savoured every second.
“How long do you have left with me?” I asked lightly.
“Until the ceremony.”
I gasped and stopped walking. “I meant with me today. You mean… that’ll be it? You’ll just disappear?”
“I’ll fade.”
“But then I won’t see you again.” The thought of losing one more person was more than I could bear.
He dropped my hand. “Cara, you knew that. Maybe this was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have—”
“I could refuse to speak for him at the ceremony. He wouldn’t become king, so he won’t have the strength to get rid of you.”
“So I hang around sharing a body until somebody decides to knife him in the back? I’d have to watch him kill you, Cara. Do you know how—”
“I don’t want you to fade.”
“I’ve lived already. You haven’t. The fae need their king. It’s not worth giving up for one solitary fae.”
“I don’t care about any of that. I care about you!”
“You shouldn’t,” he said coldly.
“Too late.”
“There’s no future with the fae unless you’re willing to give up your mind and soul. Do you want me to watch you age? You’re human. This can never work.” He moved closer. “Everybody forgets when it’s over. You won’t feel anything when I go.”
“I’ll remember.”
“Nobody does.”
“I know someone who remembers.”
“Lies,” he whispered, brushing his lips against mine.
He gathered me in his arms, and I heard the sound of his wings. I didn’t care about the differences between us, the reasons we shouldn’t care for each other. I only wanted to enjoy every second I had left with him.
“This isn’t right,” he muttered against my mouth. His grip tightened, and his tongue became almost violent in his next kiss.
I pushed away from Brendan in disgust. “You ruin everything.”
“He knows better than to steal kisses in public. If anyone thinks I—”
“I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of you!”
“Don’t make me walk you home on a leash,” he said. “This is life and death, and I won’t get any work done if the walk home takes longer than all of your classes together.”
I felt like pouting. “Spoilsport.”
“Don’t get too attached,” he said, softening. “I thought it was harmless at first, but when he lets go, I can still feel everything he felt. It’s confusing and addictive, but it’s bad for all three of us. Do you understand that? He’s going to be gone. Growing more fond now will only add to your heartache and confusion when I’m the only one in his body.”
“What do you care? I’d rather know him for a while than not at all.” I walked faster then jerked to a stop. “Please don’t make me forget him. When it’s all over, let me remember him.”
“Do you really need more pain and loss in your life?” he asked, but he was the one who looked pained.
“There’s no point in living if you don’t feel something. I hate not feeling. I’d rather be heartbroken than heartless. I can’t lose these memories. I’ll have nothing left.”
“You make me pity you,” he said, sounding surprised. “You say you feel nothing, but when I’m around you, I drown in your emotions. Everything is ricocheting back and forth until it’s almost too much to bear. Some fae is going to steal you one day, Cara. You just feel too good to give up. You probably learned to block everything off because it was so hard to deal with. I do pity you. You have the worst of both worlds with none of the rewards.”
“You could—”
“You don’t seem to realise how much is at stake. I have so much to deal with, and I’m sorry if it gets in the way of your schoolgirl crushes, but I’m talking about the kingdoms of the fae. I don’t have time to help you. The control Drake has, the strength of his emotions, the humanity in him is terrifying. I just want this to be over. I’m sorry for Drake, but I can’t save him.”
“But you said—”
“I said might. I never said it was a given. If a way presents itself, I’ll try my best to reward him, but my priority is the kingdom. If you had any sense, it would be your priority, too.”
“I’m just—”
He put a finger to my lips. “I’ve tried to make you happy. I let you spend the day with him, despite how angry it makes the only loyal subjects I have, and I get nothing but ungratefulness in return. I don’t know why I waste my time.” He walked faster as if desperate to get away from me.
Realtín and Grim showed themselves, but I knew all was lost.
“Are you…?” Grim shook his head. “I wish I could help you, Cara.”
“Nobody can help me,” I whispered, my mind clearer than it had been all day. I’d had a day of a fantasy life, one that could never truly exist.
As I walked with my fae friends, who were really nothing more than slaves, I realised how trapped I was. Brendan controlled every part of my life, and I had nothing. When it was all over, I had nowhere to go. I couldn’t talk to Zoe, I couldn’t go home, and I was constantly on edge, waiting for someone to attack.
And I was falling for a fae who would soon lose his life. I wanted him so desperately it hurt, and I wasn’t entirely sure if that was a natural feeling or a side-effect of being around the fae. But I didn’t care about any of that anymore. The important thing was what was going to happen next. Brendan would take my memories of Drake. Brendan would let Drake fade. And I was going to help him do it.
Chapter Seventeen
Ronnie sent me a text message asking me to meet, so instead of going straight back to my room, I requested permission to visit the supermarket. I thought Brendan might be more inclined to agree if I played up to the whole king thing.
“Besides,” I hedged, “you said I need to eat. And it’s not like I can trust fae food.”
“Fine,” Brendan said, turning his back on me as if distracted. “Don’t be too long. I’ll send two guard
s in your wake. If anything happens, stay with Realtín and Grim.”
He walked away as if he had already forgotten I existed. I kept relying on him, thinking he cared like a normal person, but he didn’t. I had to remember that he was the kind of creature who used and abused, and I was the kind of creature who would let him because that was what I was used to. I wasn’t ready to be anyone else yet.
“I’m just going to get junk I can keep in my room,” I said on the way to the supermarket.
“There’s a kitchen,” Grim said.
“I know. I just don’t trust anything anymore. Will it be okay in my room even?”
“We’ll take care of you,” Realtín promised. “We love you, Cara. We won’t let them hurt you.”
I stared at the sprite, wishing I could believe her. She was as flighty as the rest of them. She would forget me, too.
At the supermarket, I picked up as much stuff as I could carry, knowing I might not get another chance if Brendan suddenly decided to ban any future trips. He could do what he liked, and even if I put up a fuss, we both knew I would obey in the end. I had no choice.
I dawdled in the freezer section, picking up and dropping various items.
“Just choose one already!” Realtín snapped.
I spotted Ronnie strolling up the aisle toward us. “Can you two give me a minute alone?” I asked.
Realtín turned and saw Ronnie. “I don’t like her,” she said under her breath.
“You don’t like anyone.”
“Come,” Grim said. “Be very careful, Cara.”
Ronnie approached me when they left. I couldn’t sense them at all.
“Still with the fae, huh?” Ronnie said. She still wore those stupid sunglasses.
“They can’t keep away,” I joked, but her lips pinched together. “What was it you wanted?”
“When exactly is this ceremony you’re a part of?” she asked, trailing a finger along a shelf.
“Imbolc. It starts on the first of February. The whole thing might last a week or so.”
“Not long to go. May I accompany you?”
“Oh.” I stared at her blankly. “I mean, you could go, but how would you find your way in?”
“Where is it being held?”
“Nobody’s said. I assumed it would be in the fae realm.”
“Yes, but we enter in the human one,” she snapped.
“Well, I don’t know anything about that.”
She let out an exasperated sigh. “It must be on the leylines, and it would need great power, a place that hasn’t been used in a long time.” She glared at me. “You must find out, Cara.”
“Must she?” Drake asked from behind me.
Ronnie jumped and inched back, her mouth opening in horror. “You.” The colour leached from her face.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I… no. I thought I saw…” She turned and fled, knocking down a display in her haste.
I glared at Drake. “What did you do?”
“Me? Nothing. I just walked over. Brendan was suspicious of you asking so nicely, and when Grim and Realtín left you, he decided it would be better if I joined you.”
Thoughts flooded my mind as I stared at his face. Ronnie had freaked at the sight of him. Never at Grim or Realtín. But at Drake.
“Did you…?” I stared at him, terrified of my own thoughts. “Were you the one?”
He frowned. “One what?”
“Were you the one who took her? Tortured her, left her scarred, and… like that.”
His frown deepened, and the air frizzed with his anger. “Why would you even think that?”
“Why would she even act that way? She recognised you, and she acted like she just faced her worst nightmare.”
“Don’t accuse me of things,” he said in a low, steady voice. “You know nothing of me.”
I backed away from him. “Maybe you’re right.”
I strode to the checkout with my head held high, but I couldn’t stop shaking. I had never even entertained the idea of Drake being like the rest of the fae. I had never truly thought about what fae like Brendan did to humans, despite knowing about his past. I hadn’t let myself believe, but Ronnie’s fear had been all too real. Ronnie had been a victim, and I was spending time with fae who made victims.
My tiny fae friends joined me while I paid for my shopping, but even they were murderers. When we returned to the house, I asked Grim and Realtín to back off for a while.
“I need to study, and I just… need a break from all of this stuff.”
They agreed, albeit reluctantly, and I headed into my room, ignoring the beefy bodyguard standing in the hall. I didn’t like his eyes. He reminded me far too much of the black-winged faery with the everlasting smile.
The cat was still on my bed. I had dropped some cat treats into my basket at the supermarket, just in case. I opened a packet and offered one to the cat.
“Doing okay, kitty?” I asked, still feeling a little sick whenever I looked at the animal. I couldn’t escape my memories when I was with the fae.
The cat accepted the treat then rolled over and offered his belly. I scratched his stomach before getting out my books and sitting on the bed to work. The cat sprawled across my legs, getting in the way of everything, but I kind of liked it.
I stared at a blank page in my notebook. I could blame the fae, but my assignments had been giving me trouble since the year began. I was barely keeping my head above water, and being around the fae gave me the excuse I needed to stop worrying about coursework. But if I gave up, Zoe would be disappointed, and Dad could be all smug and deprecating. That was if I saw either of them again.
When Grim and Realtín returned, I hadn’t made much headway on the work. I closed my books and started to show them the cat, but he had left already.
“Brendan sent us,” Grim said.
“He doesn’t trust you up here on your own,” Realtín added.
“You can tell him I wasn’t planning on studying myself to death. Besides, I have a bodyguard outside.”
“He’s angry with you.”
“I don’t care. So… why the hell did you two sell me out to Brendan today?”
“That woman!” Realtín raged, her cheeks darkening. She buzzed around my head, flashing red and gold.
“She’s not a healthy person,” Grim said. “She’s not dealt with her time well.”
“She was tortured, Grim. How can you blame her for that?”
“I don’t blame her,” he said. “I’m letting you know that people like her are dangerous. Letting her return to her family wasn’t a gift. It was part of her punishment by whichever fae took her in the first place. She’s jealous of you, and she’ll do whatever it takes to find her way back. She can’t come back, Cara. It’s not her place.”
“She was scared of Drake,” I said. “I accused him of being the one who hurt her.”
Realtín stopped flying long enough to slap my cheek. “You traitor!”
I waved her away. “I wouldn’t have pegged you two for queen-slayers either, but there you go.”
“We had no choice,” Grim said. “You can’t compare—”
I held up my hand. “I know. I’m just tired of the fae stuff today. Do you think he did it? Could he do that?”
“No,” Grim said firmly. “He would treat you differently if he did. Besides, his own mother—”
“I know that,” I said. “But fae do things that I can’t explain away. I can’t imagine Brendan hurting someone, but he’s done it. I can’t imagine you hurting anyone, Grim, but at the first chance, you took out your own queen. And I can’t imagine myself taking a life, but I killed a pooka. This world is fucked up, and I’m a part of it. I just… can’t see what’s true sometimes.”
“You can trust us,” Grim said.
“Can I? Because if Brendan said the word, you’d both turn on me.”
Realtín yanked my fringe. “And we chose a different path once. We can do it again.” She kissed the ch
eek she had slapped.
“Then tell me about this ceremony. Where is it going to be held? What will I have to do?”
“But we don’t know yet,” Grim said as Realtín wrapped her arms around my neck, all apparently forgiven.
“What about leylines? Explain them to me.”
“It’s… power underfoot,” Grim said. “It’s something we know but can’t explain. It’s where the magic comes from. Solitary fae can exist away from the power, but large groups of us cannot. We stay on leylines, and our use of humans replenishes the power over time. Festivals can’t be held just anywhere because they use up all of the power for a time. The deepest magic is set out like paths. We have different kinds of maps to the world.”
“So there’s a path to the fae?” I asked. “I could find fae by following a path?”
“You would need to feel it first,” he said. “We can feel it because we’re fae. We can find each other, and we tend to be attracted to the strongest magic. The solitary fae usually avoid it, because that’s where the trooping fae will gather. It’s difficult for me to put into words. It’s born in us.”
“The night I was led to the fae, the path I took, are you saying I followed a leyline?”
“Yes,” he said enthusiastically. “Sorcha may have sent out a calling, but you followed a path that you had just woken up to.”
“Then how come I couldn’t get back in once I left?”
“Because we use up the leylines. They must replenish, and that can take centuries. That particular leyline may never be used again because of what happened there.”
“But I could find others? We could figure out where the ceremony is being held?”
He frowned. “Why would we want to?”
“To be prepared,” I said. “If I lost you, if somebody took me from here, could I find my way back?”
He shrugged. “Hard to say. You would need to feel the magic without help.”
“Could I learn?”
He shook his head. “It’s either born in you or it isn’t.”
“But we could try to practice it.”
“I wouldn’t know how to teach you. I’m lesser in many things.” Grim struggled to pick up one of my books. “This is extremely interesting, the things that humans explain away logically. It’s fascinating.”