“That’s up to you,” he says, his eyes drifting to my mouth. “I already told you that as long as you wanted me here, I’d always be here.”
“But you don’t want to be here?”
“I just want you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
I want to ask him what will make him happy, but I think I already know. Being trapped is something no one wants. I’m the thing keeping Ryland… Evan a prisoner here, simply because I’m selfish. And it’s not Lily who’s doing it. This is solely me. Maddie Asherford. I’m selfish and it’s time to stop.
“Thank you for everything,” I say, tears stinging my eyes. “And I’m so sorry, for what happened to you.” Then before I can back out, I move my mouth toward his quickly, bringing my hand against his cheek. The contact sends a surge of heat through my body, so sweltering I feel like I’m back in the cabin again when it was on fire.
And then the heat goes cold—I go cold. And I know he’s gone.
I stand there for a while, unmoving with my eyes shut, knowing the second I lift my eyelids, it’ll all officially be over. It’ll all be gone. If I could, I’d probably stay that way forever, holding on for just another second, another moment, just one more. But eventually I have to move forward and open my eyes.
And when I do, I’m not standing in a cabin, just a field that once held one.
All alone.
Chapter 35
Maddie
The entire drive home, I try to figure out what to do with my mother. She spent so much time lying to me, thinking it was for my own good. I don’t think she’s necessarily a bad person, just delusional and perhaps insane. But I know it’s time for her to let me go so I can move on and try to live life on my own, either with or without Lily—I haven’t decided yet.
Never once does it cross my mind that there’s so much more to this than Evan being a memory or simply remembering my past. Quite honestly, I’d forgotten about a lot of the stuff that had happened over the last couple of weeks, like the murders and how I’d never even figured out if I was doing them or not.
But then I enter the house and see her sitting on the sofa in the living room.
At first I think I’m hallucinating again, seeing her outside my head. But there’s something different about her this time. More life in her eyes. More confidence. More darkness.
“Lily?” I whisper in astonishment and horror, the door blowing shut behind me, and I whirl around in surprise. It’s quiet except for the wind howling outside as I press my hand to my heart and rotate back around to face her.
Her lips turn upward like she’s going to smile but it looks warped and wrong, like it’s melting off her face and her mouth instantly sinks. Her blond hair matches my freshly dyed hair, only hers looks longer and shinier—better. Her eyes are even darker than they were in my hallucinations, her cheekbones more defined. She looks less like me and appears more in control of her surroundings, which is very unlike me, except for when I’m Lily—or her I guess.
“Hello my dear Maddie,” she says, uncrossing her legs and getting to her feet. She’s wearing a red dress that hugs her body, knee high-boots, and fishnet tights. “How have you been?”
“Are you… are you real?” I haven’t budged from the foyer, too afraid to get close to her, too afraid she’s like the Maddie inside my head. But what if she’s not? What if she’s alive? But then why am I just meeting her for the first time now? No, she has to be a hallucination.
“About as real as you,” she says, skimming me from head to toe. I haven’t showered since I woke up in the woods and my clothes are caked with dry mud, so I look like shit.
“Why are you… how are you here?” I note the voice inside my head is quiet—this Lily before me has to be my Lily.
A grin slowly creeps up on her face. “That is the million dollar question, isn’t it?” She saunters around the room, keeping her distance from me as she takes in the excessive amount of knickknacks in the living room. “God, our mother might have a bit of insanity in her as well.” She touches her finger to a small figurine of a stallion. “Don’t you think?”
“I don’t think I’m the best judge of that,” I reply tentatively. “Considering my own mental instability at the moment.”
“At the moment.” She casts a glance at me from over her shoulder. “Oh my dear Maddie, you’ve been crazy since we were ten years old, when you could neither except nor deny what our father was trying to instill in us.”
My bones feel as though they crack and tear out of my skin, my heart thudding violently inside my chest. I’m afraid, but I’m not sure if it’s from her or the truth.
“I need to know why you’re here… if you’re real?” I spot something out of my peripheral vision and jump to the side, bumping into the wall.
“Because we have some unfinished business.” Bella exits from the kitchen doorway, wearing black pants, a white t-shirt, and boots. Her hair is pulled back tightly in a ponytail and something silver is in her hand—a gun.
I instantly start to back away, ready to run out the front door.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Lily says, pleased, as she cross her arms. “We’re not finished yet.”
I glance back and forth between Lily and Bella, wondering if they’re like Ryland—not really here. Part of me wishes that was the case. Insanity over death—I just my take it.
“We’re very real Maddie,” Lily assures me as if she can read my mind and I suddenly realize that the Lily in my head has become alarming quiet inside of me. “So relax and lets chat.”
“I’d rather not.” I glance at the window, wondering where my mother went and if she’ll return to this madness. Maybe I should try to text her—warn her. Am I that kind of a person?
As I reach for my pocket deciding if I am, Lily says, “Don’t even try it.” She sticks out her hand. “Now toss me your cellphone.”
Glaring at her, I get my cell phone and reluctantly throw it across the room to her.
“Thank you.” Lily tucks it down her boot, out of sight.
“Stop talking,” Bella abruptly snaps, quickly crossing the living room with the gun aimed out in front of her. There’s also another gun sticking out of the pocket of her pants and an uncontrollable frenzy in her eyes, like she’s about to lose all control. “I didn’t come here to talk.”
Lily glances at the gun in Bella’s hand, composed with no fear in her expression unlike me. I remember how she was always the composed one while we were in the basement and for a second I envy her steadiness. “Relax, I haven’t seen my sister in years.” She flashes me, a haunting smile, eyes lacking emotion—she reminds me too much of the Lily in my head and a chill courses up my spine because I honestly can’t tell if she’s real still. “How are you my dear Maddie?”
I look helplessly around me. “Fine.”
“You seem confused?”
“That’s because I am.”
“I don’t blame you.” Lily takes a leisurely step toward me, but stops still several feet away as if she doesn’t want to get too close to me. “It’s kind of the whole point, isn’t it? And it’s good for you—brings out what needs to be brought out.”
Confusion swirls inside my head. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh.” Her grin shadows her entire face, and I can’t help but think about when my mother said she was the bad one. But no… I still can’t believe she’s here. This has to be my Lily—I’ve lost all control and now she’s taken over everything, including the outside world. “You still haven’t figured it out, have you? What’s been going on?”
“That your dead and I’m hallucinating,” I say. “None of this is real.”
“No Maddie, I’m very much real and alive, but not because of you,” she replies, cocking her head to the side, studying me. “Tell me, why did you leave me in that cabin when it was burning down?”
“I didn’t.” I shake my head in protest. “We were running away together…” But suddenly the images rush
through me that I haven’t seen before. A light. Gas. Fire. I lit the cabin into flames and watched it ignite, lying down in the midst of it. I thought I was going to die, but Lily woke me up. We ran. She shot our father, while I took off in a panic and the whole place roared into flames behind me. “But you survived.”
“Of course I did. I’m a survivor.” She pauses then looks at Bella who is just standing there with the gun in her hand. “Unfortunately, her son didn’t.”
“I’m assuming you still don’t remember me,” Bella inches forward, reducing the space between us. “And I mean, who I really am. Not who I pretended to be.”
It painfully clicks. I remember how she told me once she had a son once, but that he left her. I understand now, what she meant. He didn’t run away—he died. “You’re the woman that was in the cabin with us… Ryland’s mother and the person that was always talking to my father.”
She looks lost. “Ryland?”
“Evan,” I correct myself, trying to mentally guessimate how quickly I could get to the door. I’m close to the threshold of the foyer, just a few steps and the wall would block the bullet… maybe. “You’re Evan’s mother.”
That gets her to unstiffen and grin, but it’s an eerie sight to behold like it’s painful to get her lips to move that way. “Aw, so you do remember my boy.”
Just thinking about Evan hurts my heart, a fresh wound, still raw, that makes me feel sick, makes me want to run back to the cabin and beg him to come back to me. “Vaguely,” I lie.
Her nostrils flare and within moments she’s strode toward me and stolen most of the space between us. “Vaguely. That’s all you can say after he sacrificed himself for you—told you to run after you burnt the place down.”
“You’re the one who let him be tied up in the basement of a psychopath.” I’m treading on thin water, wishing Lily would step in because she’s always so much better at dealing with stressful situations than I am. I look over at the real Lily, who’s watching Bella with a bored look on her face.
“I’m over this,” Lily says, staring at Bella. “It’s time to get it done and move on to something else.”
“Get what done?” I ask Lily as she strolls around the sofa and stops beside Bella and I.
She shrugs nonchalantly. “You’ll soon find out.”
“I did what I had to do to survive in life,” Bella says hotly with her finger on the trigger. “Your father took care of me, loved me. I had to make a few sacrifices, but I did what I had to do to keep a roof over my head and yes his beliefs were a little hard to deal with, but it’s better than the alternative.”
“Survive life,” Lily and I say simultaneously, like our brains are linked and we’ve become one person again. Lily tips her head to the side, strands of her hair falling in her eyes as she assesses Bella. “That’s a ridiculous excuse.” She pauses. “You want to know what I really think? That you liked all that fucked up shit—torturing people—just as much as my father did. You were both fucked up in the head and were the perfect match for each other. No judgment here though.”
I’m so perplexed. What’s going on? Who’s really bad? Is Lily real? Is Bella real? Do they know each other?
“Shut up!” Bella cries and I flinch, but Lily is calm, the exact replica of the person living inside my head. Bella cocks the gun like she’s considering shooting me, right here in living room, when suddenly her eyes dart to the window. “Oh good, he’s here. Now we can finish this.”
I follow her line of gaze and my heart misses a beat. In the driveway is a car and getting out of it is River. He’s wearing his glasses, a flannel jacket and jeans, his hair messy.
“What’s he doing here?” I ask as I watch River walk up the path to the front door, looking at the house with hesitancy as if he’s worried about something.
“Oh, you haven’t figured it out yet?” Bella says and when I look at her, she’s grinning, tears streaming out of her eyes as if she’s emotionally overwhelmed. “The phone call at the bar. Getting you to come down there because my AA boyfriend got me into trouble. River helped me get to you. Poison your drinks. It was beautiful.”
I shake my head in disbelief, backing up until I bump the wall. “It was you the whole time… I was never… Lily was never… I’m not crazy.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Bella say, her tears drying. “But it was rather easy… and Lily helped us tremendously.”
My attention snaps to Lily. “She can see you… you have to be real.”
She rolls her eyes. “I already told you I was.”
“Why…” I can’t finish, feeling as though I’m going to pass out. My vision is going in and out of focus, air getting trapped in my lungs. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Because you let me burn.” She puts herself right between Bella, the gun, and me and has a contemplative look on her face. “Well, I guess that might be more of an excuse than anything. Sure I’m mad.” She gives a sharp laugh, like she’s about to go off the deep end. “But this was also kind of a test, like the tests we used to get when we were younger, Maddie. Do you remember those? Pass and we get spared the beatings and violence, fail and… well, I don’t need to explain it to you, since you always failed.” A grin creeps up on her face. “Although this time maybe not, considering what happened to all those victims.”
“I didn’t kill any of those people.” I brace my hand on the wall to keep from falling down. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening.
“If that’s what you want to believe then that’s what you can believe, but that’s not what mother will believe,” she says. “She already thinks it’s you… our well the Lily version of you. So do the cops, so when you die, the truth will die with you.”
I’m not sure what’s real and what’s fake. What’s right and wrong. If I did kill all those people or of they set me up.
“They’ll find out that you killed me,” I tell her, hunched over, clawing at my chest, wishing I could claw my heart out so the fear would go away. “They’ll find evidence that you did it.”
She shakes her head, her face masking with an evilness that sends a chill down my spine. “No, they won’t. No one will even believe that I’m real.” Then she leaves the room and when she returns she has a large gasoline bin in her hand. “They’ll barely be able to identify your body.” She starts dumping gasoline all over the place, dousing the sofas, the floor, the walls, even her boots and drops splatter on her red dress “It seems so fitting, doesn’t it? To die the way you killed Evan and me.”
I stand up straight and fight to keep my balance. “But you’re not dead, so this isn’t fair.”
“But I could have been,” she says, setting the gasoline bin down by her feet. “And as dad always taught us, the bad must die. Fail the test and pay the consequences.” She pauses, musing over something. “You know, if you would just stop fighting what’s in you, it might not have come to this—I wouldn’t have to destroy you.” Then she takes a lighter out of her boot, ready to burn the whole place down.
“I don’t even know what you want from me.”
She taps the side of her head. “Think, Maddie. Think. What does Lily always tell you to do.”
I shrug. “I don’t know… hurt people?”
“There you go.” She glances at the front door. “And now here’s your chance.”
I’m struggling to say that I thought I already did, when River knocks on the front door. Bella takes the gun that was sticking out of her pocket and drops it by my feet. Another knock and then the door swings open.
I glance over my shoulder as River enters my house with a wary expression. “I got a message to…” he trails off as he sees Bella with a gun aimed at me, gets a whiff of the gasoline scent, and then his expression instantly hardens. “What are you doing here?” he asks Bella.
“I think you know the answer to that question,” Bella says, wiping some sweat from her brow.
“I told you to stay away from her,” he replies, his jaw taut, hands to
his side, his eyes colder than I’ve ever seen them.
“I already told her everything,” Bella tells him, nodding her head at me. “There’s no use pretending anymore that you didn’t help me make her think she was insane.”
I look from Bella, to River who looks like he’s about to vomit, then to Lily, who’s looking at me with a curious expression. Then she bites her lip, considering something, then mouths the gun.
I shouldn’t trust her, but I feel like it’s Lily in my head telling me to do it so I quickly bend down and grab the gun, then skitter to the side with it pointed at River, then shift it to Bella, back and forth. “Someone please explain to me what the fuck is going on?” I direct my question to River.
He puts his hands up to the side, his hands noticeably trembling and his breath faltering from his lips. “Maddie, relax. I’ve told you from the beginning that I’m here to help you. And what she’s saying… it’s not true. I promise I never did anything to make you think you’re insane.”