And he slams me in the face with a pie from the pile of boxes.
The place goes nuts.
I wipe the cream out of my eyes.
“What’s everybody laughing at?” I say, pretending to be mad.
“You!” says Stevie.
“But I’m the professor! This is my class! Show some respect!”
“Okay,” says Stevie. “I respect you so much, I think I’ll give you more pie than anybody else!”
And he slams me again.
I’m glad we asked Ms. Bumgarten’s class to bake us two dozen pies—we’re gonna need ’em all! Stevie and I launch into a good old-fashioned slapstick pie fight. We even let some of the kids join in on the sloppy fun. Gilda, too. She sneaks up behind me and creams the back of my head. Slimy, cold pie crud oozes down my shirt and into my underwear.
“You ready for seconds, Stevie?” I shout.
“Hit me!”
“Oooh. Poor choice of words, cuz.”
I slam him with another pie.
Stevie and I make a pretty good comedy team. Add in Gilda and we’re like the Three Stooges.
More importantly, everyone in that cafeteria is having a blast. It’s kind of hard to feel sorry for yourself when you feel sorrier for the guys onstage getting creamed with pies. And if Stevie and I can laugh our way through the messy humiliation of a food fight—and all the sad, painful, angry stuff that came before it—maybe our audience can do the same thing, too.
It’s like Uncle Frankie says.
Be kind, because everyone you meet could be fighting a hard battle you know nothing about.
So I say… keep ’em laughing.
Because something as silly and funny as a pie to the face might make those secret battles a little easier to fight.
When we’re all out of pies, Gilda comes over and kisses me. I don’t think it’s because she loves the taste of banana cream pie. And you know what? I don’t think it’ll be our last kiss, either.
“Jamie Grimm?” she says. “You funny!”
“Thanks,” I tell her. “You super awesome!”
“Remember, we start filming Jamie Funnie in a few days,” Gilda says.
I smack my forehead. “We never came up with ideas for the new episodes! I was too busy worrying about the library and Coach Ball and Ms. Denning and—”
“Are you kidding?” Gilda smiles and sweeps her hand around at the laughing kids and Stevie doing fist pumps. “If all this isn’t funny enough to make your audience laugh, nothing will!”
VICTOR COMES FROM A BIG FAMILY OF SUPERVILLAINS, BUT HE JUST WANTS TO BE A NICE, NORMAL KID. HIS PARENTS WONDER… WHERE DID THEY GO WRONG?
Check out this sneak preview of
HOW TO BE A
SUPERVILLAIN
Available May 2017!
We weren’t halfway down the block before the Smear started my supervillain education. “Pay attention, kid. There’s a lot to learn.”
I reached into my backpack and pulled out a notebook and pen.
“What are you doing?” said the Smear.
“Taking notes.”
The Smear grabbed my notebook and threw it out the window. “First lesson: supervillains NEVER take notes!”
“How will I remember anything?” I asked.
“You pay attention! With a fierce, burning passion to do evil.”
“We’ll work on it,” said the Smear. “First, let’s talk stains.”
He started by describing various custom smear-stains and their effect on superheroes.
“Can you pick up walrus warts at Costco?” I wondered out loud.
“A little less talking and a little more listening,” he said.
Then he turned to his patented stain-delivery systems, including, but not limited to, stain blasters…
I said, “What about your eyes? Can you spray stains with your eyes?”
“No,” he said. “That would be weired. And really unsanitary.”
Then he described a stain bomber.
“Yum. I’ll have some blueberry salsa,” I said.
He shook his head. “No. We don’t eat the weapons.”
“Got it,” I said.
Next up was the Stainmixer…
“Wouldn’t a flying dump truck be more efficient?” I asked.
He said, “Where’s your sense of style? Anyone can make a flying dump truck.”
Finally, he described a platoon of specialized, highly trained, stain-throwing mice.
“Trained mice?” I asked.
The Smear gestured to the backseat.
I turned back around and stared at the road ahead. “This is going to get strange, isn’t it?”
The Smear chuckled. “You have no idea.”
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but mean names last forever!
GET A SNEAK PEEK AT
Pottymouth and Stoopid
COMING JUNE 2017!
When you’re Pottymouth and Stoopid, you get blamed for all sorts of stuff you didn’t actually do.
Remember that disgusting lunch in the cafeteria?
The mystery meat in the mushy sauce on a bed of rice that might’ve been moving? The one everybody called “When You Find Out What It Is, Don’t Tell Me”?
Well, somehow, that was our fault.
“Stoopid gave them the recipe,” went the rumor. “And Pottymouth told them to pour schnizzleflick all over it.”
When the basketball team lost its first game, everybody blamed Michael.
“Pottymouth called the other team fluffer-knuckles. That’s why we lost. He fired up the enemy with his pottymouthing!”
Not true, of course, but the truth seldom has anything to do with a good Pottymouth or Stoopid story.
For instance, did you know that I’m the one who opened the hamster cage in the fifth-grade classroom and set Scruffy free? Yeah, I didn’t know it either. From what I heard, I saw the word ham on the cage. I thought there was a sandwich inside and I was hungry.
Then there was that disastrous field trip to the natural history museum. The trip when the whole Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton in the lobby toppled to the ground. They say I yanked out an anklebone so I could take it home to my dog.
I don’t even have a dog, I told anybody who’d listen. Which would be nobody.
When Anna started hanging out with us, she got blamed for stuff too.
The power outage during the big vampire battle scene in the movie everybody was watching during study hall?
“Anna Britannica pulled the plug on the extension cord,” proclaimed Kaya Kennecky. “She thought it was a bright orange Twizzler and tried to eat it.”
And so it went. Day after day.
Pottymouth did this. Stoopid did that. Anna Britannica did everything else.
I realized that Michael and I had been Potty-mouth and Stoopid for so long, most of the kids at school didn’t know our real names.
That was okay, I guess.
Because we didn’t want to know their names either.
About the Authors
James Patterson received the Literarian Award for Outstanding Service to the American Literary Community at the 2015 National Book Awards. He holds the Guinness World Record for the most #1 New York Times bestsellers, including Middle School, Jacky Ha-Ha, and I Funny, and his books have sold more than 350 million copies worldwide. A tireless champion of the power of books and reading, Patterson created a children’s book imprint, JIMMY Patterson, whose mission is simple: “We want every kid who finishes a JIMMY Book to say, ‘PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER BOOK.’” He has donated more than one million books to students and soldiers and funds over four hundred Teacher Education Scholarships at twenty-four colleges and universities. He has also donated millions to independent bookstores and school libraries. Patterson invests proceeds from the sales of JIMMY Patterson Books in pro-reading initiatives.
Chris Grabenstein is a New York Times bestselling author who has collaborated with James Patterson on the I Funny, Treasure Hunters, and House of Robot
s series, as well as Jacky Ha-Ha, Word of Mouse, Pottymouth and Stoopid, and Laugh Out Loud. He lives in New York City.
Jomike Tejido is an author-illustrator who has illustrated more than one hundred children’s books. He is based in Manila, and once got into trouble in school for passing around funny cartoons during class. He now does this for a living and shares his jokes with his seven-year-old daughter, Sophia.
JAMES PATTERSON BOOKS FOR YOUNG READERS
James Patterson Presents
Sci-Fi Junior High by John Martin and Scott Seegert
How to Be a Supervillain by Michael Fry
The Middle School Series by James Patterson
Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life
Middle School: Get Me Out of Here!
Middle School: Big Fat Liar
Middle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill
Middle School: Ultimate Showdown
Middle School: Save Rafe!
Middle School: Just My Rotten Luck
Middle School: Dog’s Best Friend
Middle School: Escape to Australia
The I Funny Series by James Patterson
I Funny
I Even Funnier
I Totally Funniest
I Funny TV
I Funny: School of Laughs
The Treasure Hunters Series by James Patterson
Treasure Hunters
Treasure Hunters: Danger Down the Nile
Treasure Hunters: Secret of the Forbidden City
Treasure Hunters: Peril at the Top of the World
The House of Robots Series by James Patterson
House of Robots
House of Robots: Robots Go Wild!
House of Robots: Robot Revolution
The Daniel X Series by James Patterson
The Dangerous Days of Daniel X
Daniel X: Watch the Skies
Daniel X: Demons and Druids
Daniel X: Game Over
Daniel X: Armageddon
Daniel X: Lights Out
Other Illustrated Novels
Pottymouth and Stoopid
Laugh Out Loud
Public School Superhero
Jacky Ha-Ha
Word of Mouse
For exclusives, trailers, and other information, visit jimmypatterson.org.
James Patterson, I Funny: School of Laughs:
(Series: I Funny # 5)
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