Or was she the girl who let stories run around in her head, but would never risk putting them on paper? Because if no one read them, she could deny they existed. Deny that words lived inside her the way they had her Mom and her Grandmother, and Virginia Woolf. Deny that she liked the way they felt as they coasted along her brain waves. Creating. Living.
There once was a girl named Denial.
~*~
Ryder stands in the driveway as his friends pile into Shane’s car and drive away.
A hand lands on my shoulder, a voice behind me. “Thank you…for coming. For caring about my brother.”
Something lodges in my throat and I wonder when I became so emotional. Why I’m always feeling so much. Words can’t seem to make their way around the block, so Luke squeezes my shoulder again, and then I hear the door to the house close.
Ryder walks my way and holds out his hand. “Let’s sit in your car. I don’t want Luke to hear us, but I don’t want you cold, either.”
He has to be exhausted. He’s been up, walking all night. I’d gotten a little sleep before Drea showed up—when I thought Ryder was ignoring my phone calls.
Taking his hand, I step in front of him; lead the way to my car. I sit behind the wheel, Ryder in the passenger seat.
“Are you going to get into trouble for sneaking out?” he asks.
“No. I didn’t. I told my dad that I had a friend who needed me…. That I was going to her house. He trusts me.”
“What about school?”
“I’ll go in late.”
“Did Drea give you shit? She’s hurt…not that that excuses it. I screwed up with her—you, too. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt.”
And he didn’t. I know that. “We didn’t really talk. She came to my door to get me, and then she went with Shane and Tanner. Cody came with me.”
Ryder sighs. “I’m sorry. Not just for last night, but for everything. I should have told you before you got wrapped up with me…I mean, if you are wrapped up with me. I guess you were, but—”
“I want you to go to Homecoming with me.” Ugh. I didn’t mean to blurt that out like that.
“What?” He cocks his head.
“Wait.” I wring my hands together. “That’s not what I wanted to start with. I don’t believe that’s your destiny…being like your dad. That’s not who I see when I look at you. You could have taken things from my house a million times—”
“I wouldn’t. I’d never take anything from you,” Ryder cuts me off.
“I know. I trust you…but I’m not stupid, either. I can’t be that person who throws herself into a situation blindly. I need to know if that’s who you want to be, Ryder—if you don’t see anything wrong with it, or if you can’t promise me you won’t steal again, then no matter how much I want to be with you, I can’t. And it can’t be that you just won’t take things from me; you can’t take them from anyone.”
If he can’t assure me of that, I have to walk away. I will walk away, and then I’ll be the girl I never wanted to be—the one who gets her heart broken in high school.
There are certain things I can’t sacrifice, though, and not being able to trust him, thinking he’s the guy who’s going to take something from others rather than working for it, is one of those things.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
~Ryder~
Sometimes you think you want something specific, and then something else, or someone else, comes along and blows that all to hell. A few weeks ago, if someone would have told me that a girl would give me an ultimatum about not doing something—any kind of something—or they couldn’t be with me, I would have said, see ya later.
The thing is with Virginia that’s not what it feels like. Don’t get me wrong, she’ll walk away if she thinks I’m jacking stuff. That much I can guarantee. But it doesn’t feel like she’s telling me to choose—who I am or being with her—it feels like she’s letting me decide who I am. Like she’s giving me a chance to be that person. Like maybe she sees more in me than I ever have.
It’s funny, the difference in someone telling you who you are or who you should be and someone leaving that decision up to you. It makes you see options instead of rebelling. Maybe it even helps you see truths.
“My dad always said there’s a balance to the world. The world wouldn’t work with only people like you; they need people like me to counter them. To keep things going.”
“We’re the same kind of people, Ryder.” And then she lays her head on my shoulder. It’s familiar. I know the feel of her hair against my face and the smell of her skin. I never want to stop knowing it.
“I don’t want what Dad said… I don’t want to be the guy who can slip things in my pocket without someone knowing, the one who can hotwire a car in thirty seconds flat.”
“You can hotwire a car?”
I pause, not really wanting to give her any reason to question her decision, but not able to lie to her, either. “Yeah. I told you yesterday that I’ve stolen a car.”
I don’t have to see her to know she closed her eyes. “I must have blanked that part out.”
“I’ve taken cars on a joyride that aren’t mine. There’s a lot of things I’ve done. But I won’t anymore. I promise you. It’s not who I want to be. I didn’t realize that until recently. I…” want to be the guy my brother doesn’t want to run away from. The one he respects. The guy Virginia can respect as well. I want to be able to meet her dad and for him to like me. I don’t want to be the guy who thinks he can take whatever he wants without working for it. “I think I’m in love with you.”
And yeah, that sounded totally lame, but I don’t even care. It’s true.
Virginia gasps. Her head shoots off my shoulder but I just shake my head. “Don’t say anything back. Not yet. I know you have to go to school in a few hours. Are you sure you’re not too tired to drive home? I can drive you. Maybe Luke can follow us out and take me back home or something.”
She looks up at me; all green eyes and a smile. “You’re changing everything, and I can’t figure out why I’m not more scared about that.”
I press my lips to her forehead. “Yeah, me either.”
She’s in her car with the engine started, before I remember something. I knock on the window and Virginia lowers it. “Are you sure you want me there? At your school? This is me, Virginia. The outside isn’t going to change.”
“Who said I want it to?” With a wink, she drives away.
And I’m fucking happy. Happy about a dance. Happy I told her the truth. Happy I’m with her. And scared of screwing up.
Luke’s waiting on the couch when I get inside. His eyes pop open and I can tell he’d almost been asleep.
Guilt wrestles around in my stomach. “I didn’t know you’d be worried.”
He sighs. “Of course I’d be worried, Ryder.”
Shoving my hands into the pocket of my hoodie, I walk over and fall to the couch beside him. “Sorry.”
Leaning back, I close my eyes too, half because I’m tired, half because it’s hard to look at him sometimes. “I need a job, man. You think I can get one at the diner? Washing dishes or something?”
The couch shifts, telling me he’s sitting up. “Why do you need a job? You’ve never wanted to get one before.”
I shrug. “Virginia… I’m supposed to take her to the Homecoming dance at her school.” Opening my eyes, I roll my head on the back of the couch so I can see him. “She goes to a private school in Cliffton… I got dinner to worry about, and clothes. I’m gonna need to wear a suit or something. Oh, and that wrist flower thing. It’s bad enough she’s going to have to drive; I need to make sure I do the other stuff for her.”
Luke’s quiet, his eyes a scalpel performing surgery. He’s dissecting me, trying to figure me out. I shift and look away, not wanting to know what he sees. “I only have a couple weeks. It’s probably not enough time to get a job and get paid, but I need to try.”
It takes Luke at least a minute to reply. My body is a weird
mixture of tenseness and resignation. He’s going to tell me he can’t get me a job.
“I’ll make you a deal, Ryder.”
This time, it’s me who studies him. “What kind of deal?”
“What if you just focus on school right now? Keep going every day like you have been, turn in your work every day and all that. That’s what’s more important right now—school. If you keep up your end of the bargain, and don’t get into any trouble, then I’ll make sure you have everything you need for the dance. And…” he shrugs. “I’ll even let you take my car. I know it’s kind of a piece of shit, but it’ll be yours for the night and you can drive her.”
I almost ask him to repeat everything he just said because I can’t make myself believe it. Luke is always stressing about money, so dropping a few hundred on a dance isn’t something we can afford. And he never, ever lets me drive his car. I’ve never been able to take it out without him.
“How?”
“Let me worry about the money. We both know it’ll be legit. Do you think this sounds like a good idea? Do you want to do well in school in exchange for me helping you with the dance?”
I think it’s the first time Luke’s ever asked my opinion on something like this.
And I also know he’s going to work his ass off picking up extra shifts to get the money for me. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
“Maybe after…I can get a job or something. You know, to help out, or whatever.”
Luke shakes his head. “You’re almost eighteen so I can’t really stop you, but I’d rather you focus on finishing high school. You have the rest of your life to work.”
It reminds me of what Virginia said her dad believes in. He doesn’t want her to work while she’s in school. Luke is telling me the same thing. It’s almost like he’s being a dad. The kind of dad Virginia has.
“Do you think you can give me a ride to school today? I don’t know if Shane and them are going, and I feel like shit asking them after last night. I’m sure you’re tired, too, but—”
“Of course.” Luke nods toward my room. “Go get ready. I’ll be out here waiting for you.”
I get up and make it all the way to my door before I stop. “Hey, Luke?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
~Virginia~
It’s been a strange few weeks. Ryder and I are trying to navigate our relationship after what he told me. I just want to forget it. I know what he’s done and I want to move on, but I can tell it’s harder for him. I feel like he’s always trying to prove himself, and yeah, it makes me feel special, but it’s not what I want from him.
In other ways, we feel more solid, more comfortable than before. I think maybe that’s what truth does sometimes; it opens up your heart to someone, even if that truth originally hurt.
The dance has been a heavy weight hanging between us. He asked about the color of my dress—sea-foam green; Jamie says it looks great with my eyes—and where I wanted to go for dinner. It’s so hard finding the right thing to say—to let him know that I realize money is tight and I don’t need something big without making him feel bad, either.
Homework is much easier to understand than boys.
And we’ve been doing that a lot, even more homework than usual.
Now, I’m sitting in my car in front of his house, my stomach full of acidy nerves, the past few weeks a powerful waterfall in my brain.
My name is Liar again. My dad thinks I’m going to the dance with my friends.
It switches to Guilt because I’m scared to introduce Ryder to him.
Now I’m Fear, because he said he loved me that day and I haven’t said it back. Even though I do. I love Ryder, and I want to be with him completely, which makes my fear even stronger.
Maybe I already am like my mom, different people in one body.
My eyes dart to the window when there’s a little knock on it. Ryder’s there. He nods backward like he’s telling me to get out. A small smile teases his lips, only the left side tilted up almost…nervous.
But that’s not what has me entranced…okay, not the only thing. Ryder in a suit is gorgeous.
He’s still the same Ryder—still with the two piercings in his bottom lip. The same longish, messy black hair that’s slightly wavy. The same mismatched eyes. In many ways, he still doesn’t look like one single boy at my school. There’s a roughness to him, a different look in his eyes, like he’s seen more than anyone I know…but he looks softer, as well. Like he doesn’t know just how good he looks.
He nods backward again, and then tugs on the collar of his suit as though it’s annoying him. My breath catches in my throat.
Obviously tired of waiting for me, Ryder opens the door. I get out, and suddenly wish I would have had him pick me up at home. That he could have come to my door, and met my dad.
“Hey,” he says, almost shyly when I get out of my car.
“Hey, yourself.”
“You look…” He eyes me from head to toe, and I swear I feel it. Ryder puts a hand on my right side, fingers the fabric of my short dress where it dips at my waist. He brushes his other hand over my shoulders that are bare, and I shiver. He wraps one of the tendrils of hair that I left hanging in front around his finger. Most of my hair is tied back in a bun, but I had Hailey leave a few random curls because I like it when he touches them. “Like the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“Wow…” I don’t mean for the word to come out, but seriously, a compliment like that? How can I not be in shock by it?
“Didn’t sound like me? How about…Holy shit, you’re hot.” Ryder winks and I laugh.
“Holy shit, you’re hot, too.”
“Whoa… Watch your language or I’m going to think I’m a bad influence on you. Come on. Luke wants to see us.”
A pang lands in my gut. I’m the thief now, a girl named Thief because I stole these moments from both Mom and Dad—pictures of me going to Homecoming with the boy I love.
Ryder grabs my hand and leads me to the front porch. Luke is standing there with his cell phone. He takes a few pictures and Ryder grumbles the whole time.
I don’t.
“Can you text those to Ryder so I can have them?” I ask his brother.
“Yeah, of course. No problem.” And then he looks at Ryder. Luke hands him keys and then nods at him. Ryder returns it, and I know they’re passing a million silent messages between them.
“Do you mind if we leave your car here, and I drive? I know yours is better than Luke’s, but—”
“No. I don’t mind, I mean.” I make a quick stop at my car for my sneakers. I don’t walk well in heels, and the second the dance is over, I’ll want to take them off.
We’re quiet most of our drive to the restaurant. My friends asked us to go to dinner with them, but I figured maybe it would be easier if we went alone—kind of work into the evening, because I know this isn’t going to be easy for Ryder.
I hope he has fun. Jamie and Hailey are my best friends. I want him to like them, even though they couldn’t be more different from his friends.
Dinner isn’t much better. First he realizes he forgot the corsage, then he spills his water, gets irritated and cusses too loud. An old couple from the table next to us shakes their heads at him.
“What, you don’t curse?” I ask them, which makes Ryder’s eyes go wide. The couple looks away.
By the time we get to the dance, I’m about ready to tell him he doesn’t have to go. “I don’t want this to be torture for you. Maybe it was a stupid idea…”
“I don’t do this kind of shit, Virginia. I’ve never gone to one of my school dances. I just…I want tonight to be perfect for you.”
That’s when I realize what’s wrong. I’m not a girl named Perfect, and I don’t need the night to be that, either. Turning in the passenger seat, I click on the interior light. The dinner, my corsage, the suit… “You don’t need to make this night perfect for me. I
don’t want you to try and be someone else, because…because I’m in love with the person you really are.”
It’s almost like someone hit a button, making Ryder’s movements slow-motion. He looks up from whatever he’d been focused on. There’s a storm in his eyes that I can’t read. I want to shelter him from it.
“I love you, too.” His hand cups my cheek, and for the first time tonight, he kisses me. My tongue traces his piercings before slipping into his mouth. And then he’s tasting me, and I’m tasting him, and I want to tell him he did what he said. He made tonight perfect.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
~Ryder~
The girls at the door taking tickets look at me funny but I don’t care.
The building is decked out and decorated like the president is coming or something, but I don’t let that bother me, either. I’m where I want to be, at my girl’s side, and screw anyone who has a problem with it.
“Your school is ridiculous,” I whisper in Virginia’s ear.
“So you told me before; and we’re not even at the school.”
“Yeah, but your school did this. My school probably doesn’t even have a yearly budget as big as yours for this one dance.”
We’re walking through the room. Music is blasting through the speakers. People are dancing, standing, sitting, talking, and I’m just going with her. I have no idea where.
“I have been responsible for putting on most of these, you know.”
I bump her hip so she knows I’m joking. “Then you’re ridiculous, too.”
“Lulu!” A girl screams and it takes me a minute to figure out they’re talking to Virginia. How can anyone call her Lulu? It’s not her.