'isgarmints was a little briter and more cheerfull-looking than you see inEngland. 'E wore, among uther things, a deer-storker 'at wiv a fevverstuck in it. But 'is manners was reelly bewtifull. It was quite a siteto see 'im click 'is 'eels togevver, and bow to my himployer, and in aminute they 'ad fixed their match. I 'ad 'inted to Mister G. that 'emust hinsist on 'aving a stroke an 'ole, and that was 'ow they settledit. I never lerned what the Frenchman's 'andicap was, but if theChampyon 'isself 'ad offered to take strokes from 'im 'e would 'aveclosed gladly wiv the offer. And yet there was reelly nuthing erfensiveabout the little man.
I could see as 'ow pore old Mister G. was trimbling wiv a sort ofserpressed egsitement, and I wispered to 'im that 'e must play steddyand use the niblick whenever possibul. The niblick, from long practicein the bunkers, is 'is club.
Me frend, Chawley Martin, was the Frenchman's caddie, and 'e tookercasion to remmark to me that we seemed in for somethink warmish. Ichecked the boy wiv one of my glawnces, and then we waited while 'ishemployer took the 'onner. That jentleman danced up to the tee, wavingrarnd 'is head the longest and the bendiest driver that I 'ave everseen, and 'e didn't trubble to address the ball at all. 'E just sprungat it and 'it it wiv all 'is might, and somethink fairly wistled pastChawley's 'ead as 'e stood a little be'ind the tee box. The Frenchman'ad sliced at rite angels, and for anythink I know 'is ball is still inthe air. Certingly, we never saw it agin.
That slite misforchune appeered to egsite and dimmoralise Chawley'shimployer, 'oo may 'ave been quite a brillyent player on 'is day, and Imay say at once that 'e never reelly found 'is game. On the uther 'andit seemed to put new life and vigger into Mister G. Our erponent wasappariently trying 'ard to do each 'ole in a brillyent one, but we wasquite content to win them in a steddy nine.
We 'ad our misforchunes, of course. 'Is deerest frend wouldn't 'ardlysay as 'ow Mister G.'s game is a long one, and each bunker seems to 'avea sort of magnettick attrackshun for 'is ball, but whilst theFrenchman's brassey remained unbroken we knew that there was allus achawnce for the 'ole. For 'arf the rarnd it stood the crewel strane andthen it didn't break. It jest seemed to sort of dissolve into smallpeaces. But we was two up by then and our tails was 'igh in air.
As for the Frenchman, 'is meffods at times was reelly serprising. Afterthat first drive Chawley lade 'isself down flat when 'is hemployerdrove, but even in that posishun it didn't seem 'ardly safe. That long,thin, bendy driver sent the ball to all 'ites and all angels, but neveronce in a strate line. After a wile 'e diskarded it, and guv a fair,'onnest trial to every club in 'is bag in turn. I should never 'ave beenserprised to see 'im drive desperit like wiv 'is putter, but even thenChawley wouldn't 'ave dared say nuthink. 'E was quite a plessant,jentlemanly little man, but it didn't do to argue wiv 'im. 'E begun toscream and stamp at once, and Chawley saw pretty soon that it was bestand safest to let 'im play 'is own game.
It was on the fiftienth green that the great match was ended. MisterGiggington's pluck and stamminer 'ad been amasing for 'is age, but thestrane and the joyfull egsitement was beginning to tell on 'im. TheFrenchman tried to bring off a thirty-yard putt to save the 'ole, andfailed by some forty yards. But 'e took 'is defeet like a nero. Theyshook 'ands on the green and 'e said that it warmed 'is 'art to reflecton the glory that 'is frendly foe 'ad won. I beleeve as 'ow there wastears in the old jentleman's eyes. 'E turned to me and I quite thort 'ewas going to grasp my 'and, but instead of that 'e put a bob into itwhich was pretty near as good.
'E 'll never make a golfer, but 'Enery Wilks will allus be pleesed andproud to gide 'im rarnd the course.
* * * * *
A RULING PASSION.--_Mr. Meenister MacGlucky_ (_of the Free Kirk, afterhaving given way more than usual to an expression "a wee thingstrong"--despairingly_). "Oh! Aye! Ah, w-e-el! I'll hae ta gie 't up!"_Mr. Elder MacNab._ "Wha-at, man, gie up gowf?" _Mr. MeenisterMacGlucky._ "Nae, nae! Gie up the meenistry!"]
* * * * *
A POSER.--"Farmers always grumbling? Well, supposin' your pigs weredown wi' th' fever, an' your sheep had got th' influenza, if your cropswere drownded in eighteen inches o' water, an' your rent wereoverdue--what would you do?"
"I? I'd give it up and start a golf club!"]
* * * * *
INGRATITUDE
_Brown._ "Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"
_Smith._ "Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neitherof them recognises me now!"]
* * * * *
GOLF
(_As "Put" by D. Crambo Junior._)
"Putting" on the "links"
The "tee" and the "caddie"
A showy manner of handling the "clubs"
A full drive
A beautiful "iron" shot
The "spoon"
The "cleek"
"Holed out"]
* * * * *
A MORNING PERFORMANCE]
* * * * *
FORE!
"Now, sir, be judge yourself, whether I in any just term am affin'd tolove the Moor."
[_Othello_, Act I., Sc. 1.]
]
* * * * *
VI.
'Onnesty is the best pollicy, and, 'Evin knows, 'Enery Wilks 'as allustried 'is levil best to live up to them golden words. But I reckon thereis certain excepshuns to the cast-iron 'onnesty of all of us, and everyyumin being 'as 'is little weakness. Mine is golf balls.
Tips is well enuff in their way, and I 'ave nuthing at all to say aginthem, but the present of a good ball is far more pleesing to the 'art of'Enery Wilks. Praps it's becos of 'is allmost inkonquerabul pride whichshrinks at times from taking munney from them 'oom 'e feels to be 'isequils or hinfeeriors; or praps it grattifies 'is artistick nachure tobe given the himplements of that great sience which 'e onderstands sowell. Any'ow golf balls is my temptashun, and one which once or twice inthe course of my 'onnerabul kareer I 'ave allowed meself to yeeld to.
Some golfers will ercashunally 'and you tuppence or an 'arf-used ball,wif a jenial word of thanks for your attenshuns which is worth more to aproud nachure than the gift itself. And there's uthers 'oo never thinkof doing nuthink of the sort. Among _them_ is Mister Schwabstein, 'oo isnot French or Scotch, as you might think from 'is name, but German, wivpraps a touch of Jentile.
'E's a man what catches the eye on the links, it being 'is constant andhannoying 'abbit to were a peaked yotting cap, large specks, and a whitesilk coat which was once a good deal whiter. An egsellent sort ofperson, I dessay, in the 'ome sircle, but 'ardly what you'd call abrillyent success upon the links. They say as 'ow 'e 'as more munneythan 'e ritely knows what to do wiv, but I fancy 'e's made it by nevergiving any of it away. 'Owever, 'Enery Wilks 'as done 'is best to putthat rite.
Let me diskribe to you a rarnd which 'e played the uther day wiv Mister'Erminius Brellett, our litterry member, 'oo allus seems to go out of'is way to play wiv kurious people. I 'ave taken Mister Schwabstein incharge before, but never 'ave I seen 'is pecooliarities so noticeabul ason that day.
'E took the 'onner, and for about three minutes 'e addressed the ballwiv 'is 'uge, thick, ugly driver, which 'as always rarsed myperfessional hindignashun. 'E swung at last, quite slow like, but wivall 'is great weight and strength piled into it. I shall never knowegsackly what 'e did, becos the tees was dry, and for the moment I was'arf blinded by the dust. But there was a thud and a krackling snap, andtwo things was flying through the thick, dusty air. Them two missils wasthe ball and the 'ead of the driver, and they fell togevver thirty yardsfrom the tee. 'E said somethink which I couldn't catch and didn't wantto, and walked rarnd in a slow sircle, smiling to 'isself. 'E's a man'oo allus smiles. It often seems to me that it is 'is misforchune.
Then Mister Brellett took one of 'is yusual springing drives, which'appened to come o
ff, and 'e won that fust 'ole on