CHAPTER THIRTY
Anna sat huddled against the cold, steely walls of the
holding cell. Her hands trembled with fright and her
fingers were stained black with ink from being
fingerprinted during her booking and processing
yesterday. Her first night behind bars was terrifying. The
unfamiliar sounds of the cell and constant snoring and
bickering of the other people locked in the adjoining cells
had kept her awake. She was still visibly disturbed by the
ordeal of what had happened at her home with Rose the
day before and she was wondering why Ben hadn’t been
to see her yet. Sure, he was injured during the scuffle, but
he wasn’t hurt that badly, or at least she hadn’t thought
so.
Replays of the frightening events of yesterday kept
flashing through her mind. She could still see the barrel
of the gun right in front of her and she could feel the tears
rolling down her cheeks. Her hands could still feel how
tightly they were locked together around the trigger of the
gun and how badly she was shaking while trying to steady
her aim. The expression on Rose’s face haunted her like
the memories of her father did. Now she had even more
nightmares to taunt her.
She moved away from the wall and stood up. Her eyes
darted from one side of her cell to the other. The bars
were so close. So close to her that she could feel the panic
rising inside her like lava rising in a volcano. Her arms
wrapped around her torso and she rubbed them up and
down in an attempt to keep herself warm. Laughter rang
out from somewhere down the hall. She couldn’t see who
was there or what they were laughing at, all she knew was
that it unnerved her. Not being able to see all around her
was petrifying, how could she protect herself if she
couldn’t see what was around her? How would she know if
she was truly safe? Oh how she wished Ben was with her.
The door to her cell suddenly slid open and a guard yelled
to her.
“Anna Jameson, step out into the corridor.”
She walked towards the open door and poked her head
out. Unable to see anything more than an empty corridor,
she hesitantly took two steps outside her cell. A door at
the end of the hall opened and a uniformed officer walked
towards her. He stepped in front of her and stood there,
just staring at her. Unsure what she was to do, she simply
remained quiet and stared back.
“You have a visitor, this way.” The officer walked past her
and followed the corridor to the very end where he opened
a door and waited for her to follow him in.
Her feet felt like they were made of lead as she tried to put
one in front of the other. Every step was an effort. She kept
her head down and when she reached the officer, turned
and walked through the open door.
“Hello, Anna.”
Her heart jumped into her throat. “Ben!” she ran towards
him and tried to embrace him but he pulled away.
“Take a seat,” he said, pulling a flimsy metal chair out
from an even flimsier looking metal table.
Anna did as she was told. “Thank God you’re here. I don’t
know what they are going to do with me. What is
happening, Ben?” her words were laced with worry.
He stared at her and then fiddled with the padded
bandage over his temple. “I’m fine, thanks for asking!” He
replied with sarcasm.
“I just knew you would be,” she cried, dismissing his tone.
“You’re in a lot of trouble here, Anna,” he carried on. “But
there’s nothing I can do for you now I’m afraid.”
“What do you mean, nothing you can do for me? Ben
you’ve got to help me. Please!” she begged him, unable
to believe that he could be so cool and unhelpful to her.
How could he treat her this way? He knew that she was in
a bad way and he was standing there telling her he
couldn’t help her.
“I’m sorry, I can’t.”
“You can’t or you won’t?” she spat at him.
Ben sighed and leaned into the table between them. “This
time, Anna, I couldn’t help you even if I wanted to. You
have told so many lies and dug yourself a hole that I can’t
get you out of.”
“But I didn’t lie to you, Ben, honestly.” she used the best
innocent girl routine she could muster.
“Oh for God sake, Anna.” his eyes flared at her. “Even now
when you have been cornered and exposed, you still can’t
tell me the truth!”
She stared down at the dull metal table and whispered,
“You know?”
“Know about what? That you were there when Tessa died?
That you knew what happened to her all along and lied to
me about it? Or…”
“Or what?” she shot a glare up at him.
“That you are Tessa’s mother?” he blurted out. “There’s so
much you didn’t tell me Anna, I could have helped you,
but now… I just can’t.”
Anna sat silent, no words could leave her mouth. She
didn’t know what to say, nothing she said could change
anything now.
“I know everything now Anna,” Ben continued.
“Yes, I know.” she stared at the wall behind him. “I told
Jay everything about what happened that night.”
“I’m not just talking about that,” he replied, pulling his
chair closer in to the table.
“Well, there’s nothing else to know then.”
“There’s a lot more to know…”
“Look, I have told you all everything. I don’t know what
more you think I haven’t told you.”
Ben lowered his head and his voice. “How about the fact
that our entire marriage was based on a lie?”
“That’s not true…”
“You can’t even tell the truth when your very life counts on
it, can you?” He slid his chair back so briskly that it flew
out from behind him and hit the back wall. “I’m talking
about you and what happened with your father.”
Her eyes grew wide and the heart in her chest began to
beat quicker. “I told you what happened with him. How
many details do you want Ben? Would it satisfy you if I sat
here and told you how he abused me and used me as a
sex toy. Again? Jesus. I already told you about it years
ago.” She turned her head away. “How many times are you
going to make me relive those memories?”
“You’re good, I’ll give you that much. A damn fine actress
and an even better liar.” he hissed at her.
“I didn’t lie to you about that, it did happen. How can you
treat me so cruel? I suffered more than you will ever know,
and you are making me suffer it all over again.” The tears
welled in her eyes, she swallowed hard, and held them
back.
“I have no doubt you suffered at his hands and I am sorry
for that, really I am. Why did you tell me he abandoned
you? Was what really happened too hard for you to trust
me with?”
Anna fell back i
n her chair, her mouth ajar and her eyes
wide. “How? How do you…”
“How the hell do you think I know? I’m a bloody cop, for
crying out loud!” he paced up and down the length of the
room. “Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”
“I hoped…”
“Yeah, and I hoped, too, Anna. Hoped that we could have
had a better marriage, that we could have worked things
out, that you could have one day trusted and loved me
the way I did you. I had so many hopes for us, so many
dreams.”
She sat back quietly and listened to his words. They cut
her to the bone, hearing how desperately he had wanted
her to open up to him and be with him gave rise to an
emotion she had not felt before, guilt. It had never
occurred to her that this man may have truly loved her
and just wanted nothing more than to be with her. For
years she put so much energy into hiding her past and
her true self from him, all for the sake of keeping secret. A
life she wanted to forget. She had spent so much time
convincing herself that he never cared for her and only
used her for his own needs, and now she realised the
truth. But it was too late.
“I should have told you,” she admitted quietly. “I was
ashamed Ben. Who wouldn’t be?”
He turned away and stared out the small, barred window.
The sunlight filtered through and into the small room
they shared. It’s rays danced along the surface of the
metal table and gave it the hint of lustre that it otherwise
lacked.
“You still should have told me,” he whispered. “Things
could have been so different for us, better. You could have,
at the very least, told me about Tessa. I would have
understood, Anna.”
“I know, I wish I had have told you. I was so scared that
you would think terrible things about me. I’m not a bad
person Ben, you have to believe that.”
“I used to.”
Anna jumped from her chair and ran to-wards him,
grabbing him by the arm. ‚Please, don’t do this. Not when
I need you the most.‛
He shook her free and walked to the door on the opposite
side of the room. “That’s what it’s always about, isn’t it?”
“I don’t understand,” she cried, shaking her head.
“What you need. It’s always about you and that is all that
has ever mattered. I can’t believe I blamed myself for us
failing.” He turned the doorknob and pushed the door
open. “Now I realise that there wasn’t a damn thing I
could have done to make us work. Goodbye, Anna.” Ben
walked through the door and it slammed shut beside
him with an echoing crash.
Anna felt her very last safety net disintegrate around her.