“Mia Kelly?”
“Jason? Oh my god, I never thought I would see you here again.”
I reached up and gave him a hug and then leaned back and studied his face. I grabbed his chin. “You’re handsome.” Jason was short and very skinny with dark brown hair. He didn’t have any standout features, but he had a chiseled jaw and he was a much better-looking adult than he was a kid.
“You’re gorgeous, but you always were.”
“Thanks. It’s so good to see you. How are you and what are you doing here?”
“I’m fantastic. I wanted to bring my fiancé here to show her where I grew up.” Just as he said that, a striking Asian woman walked out of the corner market and stood next to him.
“Laura, this is the Mia I told you about. Mia, this is Laura.”
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” She stuck her hand out and I shook it and smiled. I noticed she had a very prominent English accent and Jason’s accent was similar but more subtle.
“It’s nice to meet you, too. Have you guys been over to Kell’s?”
“We were just headed there. How’s Pops?”
It was like a knife being slowly pushed through my heart. “He passed away last year.” I tried to say it with as much composure as possible, but my voice cracked at the last second.
“I am so sorry, Mia,” he said. Both of them stood there with sympathetic looks.
“Thank you.” I took a deep breath. “Hey, if you guys don’t have dinner plans tonight why don’t you come to my apartment and I’ll throw something together?”
“You live here now? Permanently?”
“After Pops died, I came out to run the café and I just fell in love with this place and the people here. What about you? Where do you live now?”
“London. Been there for five years.”
“That’s wonderful. So what do you say to dinner?” Jason looked over at Laura, who smiled and nodded.
“Yeah, that sounds great!”
“Okay, come over around seven.”
Jason and Laura were a charming couple, absolutely in love. She was studying to be a philosophy professor and he ran a nonprofit organization that helped get computers to schools in South Africa, where he’d lived with his family for several years before moving to London. We caught up while I cooked one of Will’s pasta recipes. While I sautéed vegetables on the stove the phone rang, so I told Jason to grab it.
“Hello?” He paused and looked over at me. “This is Jason, Mia’s friend.” Right at the most unfortunate moment I burned my hand and immediately ran over to the sink to run it under water. I heard Jason say, “She’s busy right now. Can she call you back?”
He hung up and walked over to me at the sink, “That was a guy named Will; is he your boyfriend?”
“No, roommate.”
“Oh, he seemed pissed.”
“He’s a lot nicer to women.” I was being facetious for no reason since Jason didn’t even know Will. Will was just as nice to men as he was to women, but I was feeling a little pissy after seeing the picture of him and Sonja on the magazine, so the comment just slipped out. Anyway, I knew he must have wondered who the heck Jason was and I’m sure his imagination was getting the best of him, but I didn’t care at that moment.
Later that night after Jason and Laura left, Jenny called. “What did you do tonight?” she blurted out without even saying hello.
“Nothing.”
“Oh, you’re gonna pull that bullshit? Will just called Tyler and asked if you were seeing someone. He said he called the apartment and some guy answered.”
“Jenny, just leave it alone. Will shouldn’t be involving you guys.”
“Well, okay, Mia, we’ll leave it alone. I can’t help you, anyway. Stop playing games, that’s all I’m gonna say.”
We said goodbye and that was that. She didn’t bring it up again.
Track 17: Angels’ Wings
On January 26th, exactly one week before Will was scheduled to come home, Jackson died. I took him for a walk through the park that morning. I threw the ball for him and he chased it like a puppy. We took a nap on a blanket overlooking the children’s playground; he seemed so happy and content. When we got back to the apartment, he went and curled up on his bed while I took a shower. Coming out the bathroom, I glanced into the doorway of my bedroom and noticed that he was lying in a different position. He was facing the wall, which was unusual and he was very still… too still.
I knew he was gone without getting any closer. “No, no no, please no.” I ran straight out of the apartment, wearing nothing but a robe. On the street, I was blasted by freezing air, which caused me to scream loudly. I was hysterical by the time I walked through the café door. Martha and Jenny swarmed me.
“It’s Jackson!” I said, sobbing.
Martha wrapped me in her arms then turned toward Paddy and Joe. “Can you boys man the counter?”
They stood up, proudly saluted Martha, and dashed behind the counter like it was the most important job they would ever do. “Thank you.” I mumbled, barely loud enough for them to hear.
“Of course, luv,” Joe said sympathetically, sounding just like my father. Pain shot through my heart again. I winced and then buckled over. Jenny rubbed my back and urged me toward the door.
Once on the street she called Tyler, asking him to come over immediately. When the three of us got to the landing outside my apartment door, I turned toward them. Hyperventilating, I tried to get the words out. “I can’t… go… back in there.” We slumped into a pile at the top of the stairs, both of them holding me tight as we waited for Tyler. I cried softly into my hands until I felt him moving past me. He bent down, leaned toward my ear and spoke slowly. “I’m sorry, Mia.”
“I know,” I said, voice raspy. “Thank you for helping.” He kissed my temple and went into the apartment.
He brought Jackson out, wrapped in a blanket. I stood up and put my hand on him. Through sobs I spoke to my dead dog. “I’m sorry, buddy. I love you—you were the best.” And he was. He didn’t even make a fuss about dying; he just curled up on his little bed and went to sleep. Man’s best friend… I get it.
Inside the apartment Jenny hugged me. “Tyler will take care of everything—he has a friend who works for a vet.”
“What are they going to do with him?” I said, squinting. In Ann Arbor we buried our dogs in the back yard; in New York that wasn’t an option.
“They’ll cremate him and bring you the ashes, but don’t worry about that right now. Do you want me to call Will?”
“No,” I said sullenly. “I’ll call him later.” I knew Will was going to take it hard too, and I wanted to spare him that while he was away. I had no intention of calling him later.
I looked at Martha and Jenny and thanked them as tears continued pouring from my eyes. “You guys can go; I’m okay. I just want to be alone.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, we’re not leaving you alone,” Jenny said.
“No really, I’m serious. I just want to cry alone, please.” They looked at each other and then back at me. “Please,” I said again.
They stood there, paralyzed, until Martha broke the silence. “We’ll be in the café, close by.” I fell into her arms and sobbed on her shoulder. “Oh my Mia Pia, poor girl. First your Pops and now Jackson.”
I let out a loud cry. When I could finally speak I said, “Please, I’m fine, I just need to be alone. I love you guys.”
After they left I went and threw on some underwear and one of Will’s white T-shirts. I could barely handle being in my room where both my father and Jackson died, so I went and curled up on Will’s bed and cried myself to sleep at two in the afternoon.
I woke up several hours later, surrounded by darkness and feeling as desolate as the apartment looked. It was nine o’clock and I wondered how I would get through the night. I yearned for Will and it was worse being in his bed, surrounded by his things.
I went to the kitchen and opened a bottle of wine, attempting to numb
the pain. Of course, half a bottle down and nothing was numb. If anything, I had become more of a raw nerve. I sat at the piano and played “Wild Horses” over and over, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, while the tears ebbed and flowed. Just before midnight, I closed the cover on the piano and put my head down. I cried tears I didn’t know I had. My head ached. I drenched tissue after tissue as I cried for my dog and my father and for Will too.
I was in that moment right as you fall asleep, when your body relaxes slightly and your hazy thoughts become a dream. I jolted awake when I heard someone coming up the stairwell. Without looking or caring, I swung the door open and stood face to face with my angel, except that he looked like a mere mortal that night. He was thinner than before, his eyes were bloodshot, and he shivered beneath his thin, black sweatshirt. His head was down; the top of his hoody came to rest just above his sad, dark eyes, which peered at me through narrow slits. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets as he shifted nervously.
Taking a deep breath, he leaned to the side, looking past me into the apartment. “You alone?” I nodded and took a step back. He must have felt awful, wondering if I had another man over, comforting me. He picked up a small bag off the ground and walked in, kicking the door shut as he stared into my puffy eyes.
“Aw, baby, I’m so sorry,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, bringing me into his chest.
I tried to form a coherent sentence. “How… why… how are you here?” I thought I must have been dreaming, but he felt so real and he smelled like Will and he sounded like Will and God, how I wanted it to be Will.
“Tyler called me. I got on the first flight back. You should have called me.”
I broke the hug and reached my hands up to his face. He sucked in a sharp breath and bit his bottom lip. Pushing his hood back, I studied his beautiful mouth while I tried to collect myself enough to talk. But I couldn’t, I just stood there expressionless, in shock, as tears ran steadily down my cheeks. I wasn’t sobbing. In fact I was barely breathing, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
He looked at me with a pained expression. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“Shhh… I just want to feel good… Make me feel good… okay?” I whispered.
His mouth was on mine in an instant, kissing me deeply with fervor and need. It was the kiss I had thought about so many times, but it was better than I imagined. I unzipped his sweatshirt and pushed it off his shoulders, onto the floor. His hands were frantic, grabbing at my side and then moving to my neck as he deepened the kiss. He kicked off his shoes while I pulled his T-shirt over his head. We paused and looked at each other for just a moment and then he reached behind me and lifted me from the back of my legs to straddle him as he made his way toward the bedroom. Breathing heavy and moving frantically, he pushed me against the wall in the hallway. “God, I want you,” he hissed and then his mouth went to my neck, where he violently kissed and sucked, tugging at my skin with his teeth. I was aching for him to be everywhere and he was trying desperately to do that. I pulled my shirt off and then we pressed our bodies into each other. He moaned deep from his chest, trailing kisses across my collarbone as he continued toward the bedroom. I moved my hands through his hair, pulling his head tightly into me. “Your room,” I breathed when he hesitated at the end of the hall.
Inside his room he set me down on the bed; I reached for his belt and yanked his jeans open but he stopped my hands. “Lie back.” I obliged as he hooked his fingers in the waistband of my underwear and pulled the last stitch of clothing off me. I was completely naked and vulnerable while he stood above me and drank me in. There was a pale light from a streetlamp shining through the window. “I like you in my bed,” he said, just above a whisper. I could see he had the listening-to-God look in his eyes and then his mouth curled into a sweet smile before he knelt down between my legs. He trailed kisses up the inside of my thigh and whispered, “Let’s go slow. I Want. This. To last. For…” And then the whispers stopped. A tremor ran through my body as the heat consumed me. I sucked in a breath and moved my fingers through his hair while he kissed me… everywhere.
I arched my back and let out a breathy “Ahh.” When the quickening became too much, I gripped his shoulders and felt the intense release all the way down to my toes. I pulled him up toward me; his hand went to my hip as his mouth went to my breast. Will knew what he was doing, there was no question, and even though he seemed overwhelmed with passion, he took his time. His hands were gentle but determined, like when he played music. Never second-guessing himself, he just moved purely from feeling. He stood up and stripped away his clothes and then climbed on top of me, reclaiming my mouth. As he buried himself inside of me, forcing the breath from my lungs, I dug my fingers into the bunching muscles in his back.
“You are so beautiful.” His voice was primal and raw, but his motions were graceful. Leaning on his forearm, he moved his other hand from my hip, up my side to my breast where his thumb brushed the sensitive, firm skin of my nipple. I writhed, arching my back, letting myself get lost in the feeling. He smiled between breaths and the words mystical alchemy came to mind again. I realized how perfect our bodies matched and moved together—it was utterly divine.
I hadn’t believed that people could be made for each other until that moment. “I love you.” My voice was soft but full of conviction as I stared deep into his eyes. He stopped, mid thrust, his hand gripped my hip hard and his mouth went to mine as his body tensed. When he drove back into me, we cried out as we came together. He collapsed beside me and fell asleep with his head on my bare chest. My sweet Will, in my arms, like a dream.
Time was irrelevant as we slept tangled in each other. The sun came up and filled the room with a hazy light. I looked down at Will who was sleeping soundly, with seraphic contentment on his face. The phone rang, but I ignored it and pulled the sheets over us as I dozed blissfully back to sleep.
I woke up squinting at a figure standing in the doorway. I gasped and blinked my eyes frantically until Jenny came into view. She immediately held her finger to her mouth to quiet me and then she blew me a kiss as she gazed at Will’s body wrapped around mine. I smiled lovingly and she did the same before turning and walking out. I know Jenny was checking on me and although I don’t think she expected what she found, I’m positive it made her happy.
Sometime later that morning, Will stirred. “Mia?”
“Yeah?”
“Last night… when you said…”
“Yeah?”
“Did you say that… because we were…?”
“No.”
We dozed off again, still tangled in each other.
* * *
The bed was empty when I woke, but I could smell French toast cooking and I heard Will singing faintly to a Pearl Jam song. I became positively turned on by the combination of those things. My shirt was nowhere to be found, so I darted across the hall in my underwear.
“I saw that!” he yelled.
I giggled and grabbed a T-shirt from my collection before heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I got to the kitchen, I hopped up on the counter. Will came over and stood between my legs, resting his hands on my thighs. He was shirtless, with his jeans hanging low on his lean, narrow hips. I followed the dark happy trail down to the silver-studded belt; there was no sign of boxers.
“Good morning, baby,” I said with brazen smirk. He grinned and then closed his eyes and kissed my lips delicately… for a long time.
He pulled away just an inch and whispered, “Morning,” before kissing me again. “Time to eat.”
“I can’t wait!”
We sat at the table and ate the best French toast ever made. Andrew Bird was plucking away and serenading us with weird words over the iPod speaker.
“I think this song is about one of those tumors that has teeth and hair,” Will said.
“That’s disgusting. I think it’s about love and kittens.”
“Nope, it’s about a teratoma,” he said, smiling.
“Well whatever, let’s not think about that. Are you done in California?”
His mood dropped through floor like an anchor. “Let’s not think about that.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing happened, but I have to go back and finish what I started in the studio.” He turned toward me and grabbed my hand in his. “Come with me.”
It took me a millisecond to decide. “Okay.”
* * *
He seemed calmer than usual before our flight to LA, except that he insisted on being one row behind the exit aisle. After we got off the ground he was back to his usual shenanigans. Leaning over me, he said, “I need to make sure the landing gear is retracting,” but he didn’t look out the window. He took a deep breath through his nose and then kissed me deeply. We kissed for minutes or maybe hours before resting our heads on each other and falling asleep.
AT LAX we were whisked away in a town car while Will updated me on the current status of his career.
“Honestly, I don’t understand why they’re paying for the studio time. I haven’t even signed a deal; it makes no sense. Frank finagled some sign your life away contract with them, I know it.”
“They really want you, I think that’s why.”
“No, it’s something else, it has to be. I hate feeling indebted to these people and I’m tired of their fucking input. They want a hit, that’s all. They keep asking me to change lyrics and simplify whole parts of the song; who does that? If they think I’m so great, then why do they want to change everything?”
“Don’t screw it up, just do what they say,” I said, opening my eyes wide to urge him further.
He narrowed his eyes and jerked his head back. “Why? What’s going to happen if I don’t?”
“Go ahead, throw your life away because the label wants you to take out a couple of swear words?”
“I don’t even know if this is what I want.”
“What?” The Twilight Zone theme song was on repeat in my head. “People would die to be in your position. Isn’t this what you’ve been working toward your entire life?”