impatiently.
All through the work of isolating and testing the blood fraction, Jayhad worked tirelessly and unsparingly; scarcely sleeping, but brooding;silent, prone to fly into sudden savage rages, but painstaking. He hadoverseen the trailmen with an almost fatherly solicitude--but from adistance. He had left no stone unturned for their comfort--but refusedto see them in person except when it was unavoidable.
Forth thought, we played a dangerous game. Jay Allison had made his ownadjustment to life, and we disturbed that balance. Have we wrecked theman? He's expendable, but damn it, what a loss! He asked, "Well, why_didn't_ you fly back to Carthon with them? Kendricks went along, youknow. He expected you to go until the last minute."
Jay did not answer. He had avoided Kendricks, the only witness to hisduality. In all his nightmare brooding, the avoidance of anyone who hadknown him as Jason became a mania. Once, meeting Rafe Scott on the lowerfloor of the HQ, he had turned frantically and plunged like a madmanthrough halls and corridors, to avoid coming face to face with the man,finally running up four flights of stairs and taking shelter in hisrooms, with the pounding heart and bursting veins of a hunted criminal.At last he said, "If you've called me down here to read me the riot actabout not wanting to make another trip into the Hellers--!"
"No, no," Forth said equably, "there's a visitor coming. Regis Hastursent word he wants to see you. In case you don't remember him, he was onProject Jason--"
"I remember," Jay said grimly. It was nearly his one clear memory--thenightmare of the ledge, his slashed hand, the shameful naked body of theDarkovan woman, and--blurring these things, the too-handsome Darkovanaristocrat who had banished him for Jason again. "He's a betterpsychiatrist than you are, Forth. He changed me into Jason in theflicker of an eyelash, and it took you half a dozen hypnotic sessions."
"I've heard about the psi powers of the Hasturs," Forth said, "but I'venever been lucky enough to meet one in person. Tell me about it. Whatdid he do?"
* * * * *
Jay made a tight movement of exasperation, too controlled for a shrug."Ask him, why don't you. Look, Forth, I don't much care to see him. Ididn't do it for Darkover; I did it because it was my job. I'd prefer toforget the whole thing. Why don't you talk to him?"
"I rather had the idea that he wanted to see you personally. Jay, youdid a tremendous thing, man! Damn it, why don't you strut a little?Be--be normal for once! Why, I'd be damned near bursting with pride ifone of the Hasturs insisted on congratulating me personally!"
Jay's lip twitched, and his voice shook with controlled exasperation."Maybe you would. I don't see it that way."
"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to. On Darkover nobody refuses when theHasturs make a request--and certainly not a request as reasonable asthis one." Forth sat down beside the desk. Jay struck the woodwork witha violent clenched fist and when he lowered his hand there was a tinysmear of blood along his knuckles. After a minute he walked to the couchand sat down, very straight and stiff, saying nothing. Neither of themen spoke again until Forth started at the sound of a buzzer, drew themouthpiece toward him, and said, "Tell him we are honored--you know theroutine for dignitaries, and send him up here."
Jay twisted his fingers together and ran his thumb, in a new gesture,over the ridge of scar tissue along the knuckles. Forth was aware of anentirely new quality in the silence, and started to speak to break it,but before he could do so, the office door slid open on its silent beam,and Regis Hastur stood there.
Forth rose courteously and Jay got to his feet like a mechanical dolljerked on strings. The young Darkovan ruler smiled engagingly at him:
"Don't bother, this visit is informal; that's the reason I came hererather than inviting you both to the Tower. Dr. Forth? It is a pleasureto meet you again, sir. I hope that our gratitude to you will soon takea more tangible form. There has not been a single death from thetrailmen's fever since you made the serum available."
Jay, motionless, saw bitterly that the old man had succumbed to theyoungster's deliberate charm. The chubby, wrinkled old face seamed up ina pleased smile as Forth said, "The gifts sent to the trailmen in yourname, Lord Hastur, were greatly welcomed."
"Do you think that any of us will ever forget what they have done?"Regis replied. He turned toward the window and smiled rather tentativelyat the man who stood there; motionless since his first conventionalgesture of politeness:
"Dr. Allison, do you remember me at all?"
"I remember you," Jay Allison said sullenly.
His voice hung heavy in the room, its sound a miasma in his ears. Allhis sleepless, nightmare-charged brooding, all his bottled hate forDarkover and the memories he had tried to bury, erupted intooverwrought bitterness against this too-ingratiating youngster who wasa demigod on this world and who had humiliated him, repudiated him forthe hated Jason ... for Jay, Regis had suddenly become the symbol of aworld that hated him, forced him into a false mold.
A black and rushing wind seemed to blur the room. He said hoarsely, "Iremember you all right," and took one savage, hurtling step.
The weight of the unexpected blow spun Regis around, and the next momentJay Allison, who had never touched another human being except with theremote hands of healing, closed steely, murderous hands around Regis'throat. The world thinned out into a crimson rage. There were shoutingand sudden noises, and a red-hot explosion in his brain ...
* * * * *
"You'd better drink this," Forth remarked, and I realized I was turninga paper cup in my hands. Forth sat down, a little weakly, as I raised itto my lips and sipped. Regis took his hand away from his throat and saidhuskily, "I could use some of that, Doctor."
I put the whiskey down. "You'll do better with water until your throatmuscles are healed," I said swiftly, and went to fill a throwaway cupfor him, without thinking. Handing it to him. I stopped in sudden dismayand my hand shook, spilling a few drops. I said hoarsely, swallowing,"--but drink it, anyway--"
Regis got a few drops down, painfully, and said, "My own fault. Themoment I saw--Jay Allison--I knew he was a madman. I'd have stopped himsooner only he took me by surprise."
"But--you say _him_--I'm Jay Allison," I said, and then my knees wentweak and I sat down. "What in hell is this? I'm not Jay--but I'm notJason, either--"
I could remember my entire life, but the focus had shifted. I still feltthe old love, the old nostalgia for the trailmen; but I also knew, witha sure sense of identity, that I was Doctor Jason Allison, Jr., who hadabandoned mountain climbing and become a specialist in Darkovanparasitology. Not Jay who had rejected his world; not Jason who had beenrejected by it. But then who?
Regis said quietly, "I've seen you before--once. When you knelt to theOld One of the trailmen." With a whimsical smile he said, "As anignorant superstitious Darkovan, I'd say that you were a man who'dbalanced his god and daemon for once."
I looked helplessly at the young Hastur. A few seconds ago my hands hadbeen at his throat. Jay or Jason, maddened by self-hate and jealousy,could disclaim responsibility for the other's acts.
I couldn't.
Regis said, "We could take the easy way out, and arrange it so we'dnever have to see each other again. Or we could do it the hard way." Heextended his hand, and after a minute, I understood, and we shook handsbriefly, like strangers who have just met. He added, "Your work with thetrailmen is finished, but We Hasturs committed ourselves to teach someof the Terrans our science--matrix mechanics. Dr. Allison--Jason--youknow Darkover, and I think we could work with you. Further, you knowsomething about slipping mental gears. I meant to ask; would you care tobe one of them? You'd be ideal."
I looked out the window at the distant mountains. This work--this wouldbe something which would satisfy both halves of myself. The irresistibleforce, the immovable object--and no ghosts wandering in my brain. "I'lldo it," I told Regis. And then, deliberately, I turned my back on himand went up to the quarters, now deserted, which we had readied for thetrailmen. With my new doubled--
or complete--memories, another ghost hadroused up in my brain, and I remembered a woman who had appeared vaguelyin Jay Allison's orbit, unnoticed, working with the trailmen, toleratedbecause she could speak their language. I opened the door, searchedbriefly through the rooms, and shouted, "Kyla!" and she came. Running.Disheveled. Mine.
At the last moment, she drew back a little from my arms and whispered,"You're Jason--but you're something more. Different ..."
"I don't know who I am," I said quietly, "but I'm me. Maybe for thefirst time. Want to help me find out just who that is?"
I put my arm around her, trying to find a path between memory andtomorrow. All my life, I had walked a strange road toward an unknownhorizon. Now, reaching my horizon, I found it marked only the rim of anunknown country.
Kyla and I would explore it together.
THE END
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