Which was the least helpful reply he could have given. She leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. “You have secrets, don’t you, Justin?” she said softly. “You’re in Neft for reasons you don’t want to reveal.”
He looked at her silently in the dark, weighing his answer, weighing her. “Everybody has secrets,” he said at last.
She swayed even closer, put a hand on his arm as if she could, through touch, discern the true composition of the man. “You’re not a bad man, Justin, are you?” she whispered.
“You aren’t cruel? You aren’t here to bring anyone to harm?”
Almost unconsciously, it seemed, he lifted his own hand to cover hers. “No,” he said instantly and with such conviction that she believed him. “That I can swear to you, Ellynor. I never lift my sword except in defense. I have my cause, but it’s virtuous—I believe that with all my heart. I am never violent just for the sake of violence. Or for personal gain. I am—you can—don’t be afraid of me.”
“I’m not. Oh, Justin, I’m not afraid. I just—I wanted to hear you say it.”
“I wish I could tell you my secrets, but they’re not mine,” he said. “Or at least the biggest one isn’t, and it affects all the other little ones.”
She was almost laughing now. She realized she was still touching him, so she casually withdrew her hand and folded it in her lap. “I have secrets, too,” she offered. “Big ones. And I can’t tell them, either.”
His face assumed a mock sternness. “And are you cruel? Will these secrets bring anyone else to harm?”
To her surprise—and, clearly, his consternation—her face suddenly crumpled with tears. He reached out for her, his eyes wide with concern, but she waved his hands away and drew her legs up to make a sort of barrier between them. Then she rested her cheek against her updrawn knees until she had composed herself again. Justin didn’t move, didn’t ask questions, but she had the feeling he would prevent her if she tried to simply get up and run back to the house.
Not because he was so curious to uncover the truth about her. But because he thought her tears meant she was deeply afraid, trapped, and endangered. And he was the sort of man who liked to confront danger and defeat it.
“I’m sorry,” she said after a moment and lifted her face. She still kept her knees pulled up, her hands wrapped around her ankles. “That was stupid. I didn’t think I would start crying.”
“You’re afraid of something,” he said flatly. “The Lestra?”
“I’m a little afraid of the Lestra, but that’s not it,” she said. “I was—oh, Justin, don’t hate me. I was thinking that my secret is I shouldn’t be friends with you.”
Something flickered across his face and was quickly hidden.“You’re married? I didn’t think they allowed wives into the convent.”
“No! Of course I’m not married. It’s just that—my brothers, my family—” How to tell this without giving it all away? And what did it matter if he knew she was from the Lirrens? But she didn’t want him to know, somehow. Didn’t want him to have all the pieces. She did not have all the pieces about him, after all. “The men of my family are very protective, and they don’t like to see their women—spending time with other men—men that aren’t approved by the family, I mean. They would—you would—if Torrin saw me talking to you tonight, he—well, he—there would be a fight.”
Now Justin was wearing his most sardonic smile. “I think I can handle myself in a fight.”
She took a deep breath. “Yes. I’m sure you can. But I think— I feel that I—it’s not right that I’m sitting here talking to you, and putting you at risk, and you don’t even know you’re in danger. I shouldn’t be talking to you at all, and I know that. So it’s unkind of me to keep this secret. That’s what I was thinking.”
“I think you shouldn’t worry about me,” Justin said.
“I think you have no idea how angry my brothers can get.”
“If I say I’m not afraid, will you keep seeing me?” he asked.
“I shouldn’t.”
“But you want to?”
She was silent a moment. He waited. He wasn’t patient so much as stubborn, she thought. If silence didn’t produce the answer, she thought he might try other methods. “I want to,” she said at last. “I’ve never had a—a friend—who was outside the circle of my family. Someone who thought so differently from the people I know. It’s so intoxicating! No wonder I was thinking about you all last week. But I know that it’s a risky friendship, and I know it can’t continue—even if your secrets weren’t so great that they’d probably keep us apart anyway. I know that I should just go inside right now and not even look out my window again.” She gazed at him a moment, thinking how quickly she had come to like him, how sad she would be if she never saw his face again. “But I don’t want to.”
He was silent for a beat. Then he said, in a carefully neutral voice, “So you were thinking about me all last week?”
It was not what she had expected him to say, and she was surprised into a laugh. “I was. But only because you’re such a novel experience. Don’t get all conceited.”
He bowed his head as if rebuked. “I’ll try not to think too highly of myself. I’ll try to keep in mind that you would find any stranger equally fascinating.”
“See, that’s the sort of thing that would send Torrin into a frenzy,” she scolded. “He can’t stand the idea that someone would flirt with his only sister.” Justin laughed, and Ellynor bristled a little. She said, “Why is that funny?”
“I didn’t even realize we were flirting.” His face was full of mirth. “I don’t know enough about women to realize when it’s just a conversation and when it’s—” He made a motion with his hand. When it’s something more.
Ellynor was flustered. Sweet Mother, had she assumed too much? Had there not been that undertone of romance in some of the things they said? Had she just been so caught up in the dark appeal of doomed lovers that she believed Justin felt the same sparks and energies? “Oh! Well, I—I mean, certainly you—and, of course, friends is what I want us to be—all we can be—”
He stopped her with a hand on her arm. She didn’t think she touched her cousins or her brothers in a whole day as often as she and Justin had touched each other in an hour. “I thought of you all last week, too,” he said quietly. “I haven’t known that many women and I don’t know how a man is supposed to treat them. I have a friend, and he’s in love with a woman, and he is so good to her that she knows she is safe and cherished no matter where she goes in the world. If I was in love with someone, that’s how I’d want her to feel when she was with me. But I don’t know anything about falling in love or the steps people take to get there. I thought we were friends, too. Maybe that’s how it starts. Maybe only some people go on from there. But I think that’s where we are.”
She smiled at him, feeling her eyes mist up again. “I think that’s where we are, too, Justin,” she said. “But I’m glad we’re that far.”
“How long will you be in Neft, this visit?”
“I don’t know. About a week, I think. The Lestra didn’t really want me to come, but she wanted to please Jenetta Gisseltess. I don’t think she’ll want me gone too long.”
“Will I be able to see you again?”
“I hope so,” she said swiftly, and they both laughed.
“I can come back tomorrow night. About this time. If you can get free.”
She nodded. “That shouldn’t be a problem. Most everyone else is asleep.”
He lifted an eyebrow. “Most everyone else? You snuck out of a house where someone was on watch?”
“Just a footman. And he was half asleep.”
“Like to see you running an ambush,” he commented.
“My days of playing pretend war games with my brothers are long over.”
His expression said, I wasn’t talking about pretend games, but he didn’t pronounce the words aloud. For a moment, her heart misgave her. Who was this man she was admitting so blith
ely into her life—no, that she was running after in a headlong fashion, demanding to be admitted into his? She knew nothing about him except that he was dangerous and had a story he refused to tell.
And that he was funny and kind and impatient and thoughtful and stubborn and, at the oddest moments, vulnerable. And that she was about to walk away from him right now and already she missed the sight of his smile, the casual touch of his hand.
He had decided to say something else. “If you can get free during the day instead, I’ll most likely be at the stables,” he said. “Do you remember how to get there?”
“I think so,” she said cautiously.
He grunted. “I’ll make a map for you. I’ll bring it back tomorrow and leave it—” He looked around. “By that fence-post. I’ll dig a little hole. You’ll know it by the fresh dirt.”
She could feel her eyes light up with excitement and intrigue. “All right. But I don’t know what they’ll have me doing during the day. I’m supposed to be nursing serra Paulina. Who doesn’t need that much nursing,” she added.
“And then I’ll be back tomorrow night. Around this time.”
“Or I could come to you at the stables tomorrow night. If you’ve left me a map.”
He looked at her as if she was crazy. “At night? By yourself?”
“I told you. I can practically see in the dark.”
“I think you must not be remembering what happened to you last time you were wandering around Neft on your own.”
“But there’s nobody out at night! Look! We’re the only two people on the street.”
“Believe me, there are people out in some of the districts you’d be crossing through. And you don’t want to come across them while you’re alone. Night or day.” He studied her in the dark. “Promise me you won’t try it. Or I won’t leave the map.”
“You’re as bad as Torrin,” she said.
“Maybe.” He just waited.
“Oh, fine, I won’t try to come alone at night.”
“Good. Then I’ll see you tomorrow, one way or the other.”
She pushed herself to her feet and he rose nimbly at the same time. “Something to look forward to,” she said with a smile. Her feet were tangled in his shirt. She rested a hand against his shoulder as she unwrapped herself and handed back his clothing. “You’d better wash that before wearing it again.”
“Bring your shoes with you tomorrow night,” he ordered. “Unless you want me to get all my shirts dirty.”
“You’re very bossy.”
He shrugged. “Never thought of it that way. I’m practical.” “You’re extreme.”
“Sometimes.”
She shook her head. “I’ll bring my shoes. Justin, it was so good to see you.”
“Tomorrow then, Ellynor.”
It could have been awkward, for it almost seemed as if she should hug him good-bye. Instead, she smiled, gave him a little wave, and hurried back through the gate. Through the door, past the drowsing footman, silently up the stairs, into her own room.
Across the floor so she could gaze out the window. Yes, as she’d expected, Justin was still there in the street, waiting to make sure she’d safely navigated the nonexistent hazards of the house. She waved again. He lifted a hand in a brief salute, then turned and headed back down the hill. She watched him till he was out of sight.
CHAPTER 12
MOST unexpectedly, it turned out that serra Paulina had a soft spot for forbidden romance.
Ellynor had, understandably, slept late—and found herself encountering Jenetta Gisseltess’s frown when she checked the sickroom at noon the next day.
“You’re supposed to be here nursing my mother, and yet you sleep the whole morning away?” the noblewoman exclaimed. “A girl from the kitchens would do as well, and so I will tell Coralinda! Why we had to send all the way to the convent for such sloppy work—”
“Oh, hush, Jenetta. This young woman has been a great help to me,” Paulina interrupted. “She was in my room till nearly dawn, after traveling half the day to get to my side! I think she deserves an extra hour of sleep in the morning.”
Jenetta looked even more furious at being scolded in front of a virtual stranger. Her cheeks were red with rage or embarrassment as she glanced at her mother. “You said you were still in pain this morning,” she said stiffly.
“I imagine I will be in pain for a great many more days,” Paulina said tartly. “But I’m better. I told you that the minute you came in. All due to this girl and her kindness.”
Ellynor judged it time to speak up. She assumed a most contrite expression and dropped a small curtsey in Jenetta’s direction. “I’m sorry. I got to bed very late. The serramarra assured me servants would be in this morning. I could sleep in the room with her so that she would never be alone—I would be happy to do that if—”
“Mercy, no!” Paulina cried. “It’s bad enough I have to have people hovering over me at all hours, helping me with the most intimate things. Can’t I sleep in private, at least?”
“Truly, I did not mean to abandon her,” Ellynor said humbly.
Jenetta was a little mollified. “I suppose I can see why you might be so tired after a day like you had. It’s just that I hate to think of my mother suffering—”
“Oh no,” Ellynor said earnestly. “I will do everything I can to help her.”
There was then a brief consultation about how serra Paulina was feeling, what Ellynor might do to aid her this afternoon, and what duties Jenetta had that would keep her from her mother’s sickroom the rest of the day. Finally, Jenetta left, and Ellynor and the old woman were left alone together.
“And are you really still in pain?” Ellynor demanded.
“No! In fact, I feel amazingly good. Strong enough to tear these splints off and go dancing down the hall.”
“You promised you wouldn’t do that,” Ellynor said.
“I won’t. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.”
“Well, and you could get in trouble, too! Just because your leg is feeling better doesn’t mean the bone is truly healed. It will take some time to regain its full strength and be able to bear your weight. And as for dancing. I think it will be awhile before you should attempt anything so energetic.”
“It has been awhile since I have attempted to dance, but I am thinking now I should give it a try,” Paulina said. Her voice sounded amused; she was watching as Ellynor eyed the remains of her breakfast tray, still laden with fruit and pastries. “Are you hungry? Eat whatever you like.”
“I’m famished,” Ellynor admitted, picking up a flaky roll and devouring it. As soon as she’d swallowed, she added, “I didn’t stop in the dining hall to get a meal—and just as well, or think how late I’d have been then!”
“Still, I do wonder,” the old woman said in an innocent voice, “what kept you abed so long this morning? It was midnight when you left my room. And you couldn’t get up till noon?”
Ellynor had not thought to prepare an excuse, and for a moment her mind was empty. She had picked up an apple and now she just held it in her palm. “I was—well, the trip was long, and I was more tired than I thought I’d be—”
Paulina was watching her, the blue eyes bright with curiosity.“Tell me, Ellynor. Do you have a lover in Neft? Did you sneak out to be with him last night?”
Ellynor had taken a bite of fruit and now she almost spit it out. “A—a lover?” she exclaimed, when she was done coughing with mortification. “Serra Paulina!”