RUPERT'S JOURNAL--_Continued_.
_April_ 10, 1907.
For some days after what I call "the episode" I was in a strangecondition of mind. I did not take anyone--not even Aunt Janet--intoconfidence. Even she dear, and open-hearted and liberal-minded as sheis, might not have understood well enough to be just and tolerant; and Idid not care to hear any adverse comment on my strange visitor. SomehowI could not bear the thought of anyone finding fault with her or in her,though, strangely enough, I was eternally defending her to myself; for,despite my wishes, embarrassing thoughts _would_ come again and again,and again in all sorts and variants of queries difficult to answer. Ifound myself defending her, sometimes as a woman hard pressed byspiritual fear and physical suffering, sometimes as not being amenable tolaws that govern the Living. Indeed, I could not make up my mind whetherI looked on her as a living human being or as one with some strangeexistence in another world, and having only a chance foothold in our own.In such doubt imagination began to work, and thoughts of evil, of danger,of doubt, even of fear, began to crowd on me with such persistence and insuch varied forms that I found my instinct of reticence growing into asettled purpose. The value of this instinctive precaution was promptlyshown by Aunt Janet's state of mind, with consequent revelation of it.She became full of gloomy prognostications and what I thought were morbidfears. For the first time in my life I discovered that Aunt Janet hadnerves! I had long had a secret belief that she was gifted, to somedegree at any rate, with Second Sight, which quality, or whatever it is,skilled in the powers if not the lore of superstition, manages to keep atstretch not only the mind of its immediate pathic, but of others relevantto it. Perhaps this natural quality had received a fresh impetus fromthe arrival of some cases of her books sent on by Sir Colin. Sheappeared to read and reread these works, which were chiefly on occultsubjects, day and night, except when she was imparting to me choiceexcerpts of the most baleful and fearsome kind. Indeed, before a weekwas over I found myself to be an expert in the history of the cult, aswell as in its manifestations, which latter I had been versed in for agood many years.
The result of all this was that it set me brooding. Such, at least, Igathered was the fact when Aunt Janet took me to task for it. She alwaysspeaks out according to her convictions, so that her thinking I broodedwas to me a proof that I did; and after a personal examination Icame--reluctantly--to the conclusion that she was right, so far, at anyrate, as my outer conduct was concerned. The state of mind I was in,however, kept me from making any acknowledgment of it--the real cause ofmy keeping so much to myself and of being so _distrait_. And so I wenton, torturing myself as before with introspective questioning; and she,with her mind set on my actions, and endeavouring to find a cause forthem, continued and expounded her beliefs and fears.
Her nightly chats with me when we were alone after dinner--for I had cometo avoid her questioning at other times--kept my imagination at highpressure. Despite myself, I could not but find new cause for concern inthe perennial founts of her superstition. I had thought, years ago, thatI had then sounded the depths of this branch of psychicism; but this newphase of thought, founded on the really deep hold which the existence ofmy beautiful visitor and her sad and dreadful circumstances had takenupon me, brought me a new concern in the matter of self-importance. Icame to think that I must reconstruct my self-values, and begin a freshunderstanding of ethical beliefs. Do what I would, my mind would keepturning on the uncanny subjects brought before it. I began to apply themone by one to my own late experience, and unconsciously to try to fitthem in turn to the present case.
The effect of this brooding was that I was, despite my own will, struckby the similarity of circumstances bearing on my visitor, and theconditions apportioned by tradition and superstition to such strangesurvivals from earlier ages as these partial existences which are ratherUndead than Living--still walking the earth, though claimed by the worldof the Dead. Amongst them are the Vampire, or the Wehr-Wolf. To thisclass also might belong in a measure the Doppelganger--one of whose dualexistences commonly belongs to the actual world around it. So, too, thedenizens of the world of Astralism. In any of these named worlds thereis a material presence--which must be created, if only for a single orperiodic purpose. It matters not whether a material presence alreadycreated can be receptive of a disembodied soul, or a soul unattached canhave a body built up for it or around it; or, again, whether the body ofa dead person can be made seeming quick through some diabolic influencemanifested in the present, or an inheritance or result of some balefuluse of malefic power in the past. The result is the same in each case,though the ways be widely different: a soul and a body which are not inunity but brought together for strange purposes through stranger meansand by powers still more strange.
Through much thought and a process of exclusions the eerie form whichseemed to be most in correspondence with my adventure, and most suitableto my fascinating visitor, appeared to be the Vampire. Doppelganger,Astral creations, and all such-like, did not comply with the conditionsof my night experience. The Wehr-Wolf is but a variant of the Vampire,and so needed not to be classed or examined at all. Then it was that,thus focussed, the Lady of the Shroud (for so I came to hold her in mymind) began to assume a new force. Aunt Janet's library afforded meclues which I followed with avidity. In my secret heart I hated thequest, and did not wish to go on with it. But in this I was not my ownmaster. Do what I would--brush away doubts never so often, new doubtsand imaginings came in their stead. The circumstance almost repeated theparable of the Seven Devils who took the place of the exorcised one.Doubts I could stand. Imaginings I could stand. But doubts andimaginings together made a force so fell that I was driven to accept anyreading of the mystery which might presumably afford a foothold forsatisfying thought. And so I came to accept tentatively the Vampiretheory--accept it, at least, so far as to examine it as judicially as wasgiven me to do. As the days wore on, so the conviction grew. The more Iread on the subject, the more directly the evidences pointed towards thisview. The more I thought, the more obstinate became the conviction. Iransacked Aunt Janet's volumes again and again to find anything to thecontrary; but in vain. Again, no matter how obstinate were myconvictions at any given time, unsettlement came with fresh thinking overthe argument, so that I was kept in a harassing state of uncertainty.
Briefly, the evidence in favour of accord between the facts of the caseand the Vampire theory were:
Her coming was at night--the time the Vampire is according to the theory,free to move at will.
She wore her shroud--a necessity of coming fresh from grave or tomb; forthere is nothing occult about clothing which is not subject to astral orother influences.
She had to be helped into my room--in strict accordance with what onesceptical critic of occultism has called "the Vampire etiquette."
She made violent haste in getting away at cock-crow.
She seemed preternaturally cold; her sleep was almost abnormal inintensity, and yet the sound of the cock-crowing came through it.
These things showed her to be subject to _some_ laws, though not in exactaccord within those which govern human beings. Under the stress of suchcircumstances as she must have gone through, her vitality seemed morethan human--the quality of vitality which could outlive ordinary burial.Again, such purpose as she had shown in donning, under stress of somecompelling direction, her ice-cold wet shroud, and, wrapt in it, goingout again into the night, was hardly normal for a woman.
But if so, and if she was indeed a Vampire, might not whatever it may bethat holds such beings in thrall be by some means or other exorcised? Tofind the means must be my next task. I am actually pining to see heragain. Never before have I been stirred to my depths by anyone. Come itfrom Heaven or Hell, from the Earth or the Grave, it does not matter; Ishall make it my task to win her back to life and peace. If she beindeed a Vampire, the task may be hard and long; if she be not so, and if
it be merely that circumstances have so gathered round her as to producethat impression, the task may be simpler and the result more sweet. No,not more sweet; for what can be more sweet than to restore the lost orseemingly lost soul of the woman you love! There, the truth is out atlast! I suppose that I have fallen in love with her. If so, it is toolate for me to fight against it. I can only wait with what patience Ican till I see her again. But to that end I can do nothing. I knowabsolutely nothing about her--not even her name. Patience!