In the bathtub she said few words. I sat behind her, caressing her arm and kissing her shoulder and neck. “What are you thinking about?” I asked.
“I was just thinking that the odds are pretty good that you won’t kill yourself.”
“People would start getting suspicious, don’t you think?”
The sweet sound of her laugh echoed in the bathroom. “I’ve never laughed about it because it’s so tragic.”
“It really was a tragedy that Jake wasn’t equipped to overcome that kind of adversity, but you’re still here.” It was quiet again. She didn’t respond. “Is fear the only thing holding you back? Please tell me it has nothing to do with that night I left you at the restaurant.”
“Nothing is holding me back. I’m here with you, in your arms.”
“But you haven’t told me how you feel.”
“You said after the rain.”
She turned and straddled me and it wasn’t long before there was water sloshing and spilling over the edges. I looked at her warm, smooth skin in the dim light and watched as little droplets of water trickled down to the buds of her breasts. I licked and sucked and then pulled her forcefully against me. “I want you in the bed,” I growled.
She whimpered but didn’t answer so I stood, rather clumsily, and lifted her out of the tub at the same time. I marched to the bed with her in my arms, sopping wet, and laid her down. She giggled but her smile disappeared quickly when she saw how serious I was. Her nipples were hard. I pressed my hand against the center of her chest and felt that her skin was very hot. I hovered over her as she looked up at me with big brown eyes. “What are you doing?” she whispered.
“Just looking at you.” I grabbed her from behind the thighs and pulled her to the edge of the bed so she was open to me. I stood between her open legs, watching her chest rise and fall with her hurried breaths, her black hair wet and trailing above her. Slowly, she lifted her arms above her head, presenting her body to me. Her back arched off the bed and her knees fell to the sides as she opened herself wider to me. My heart was racing, all of the blood in my body rushing to the center. She looked away from me to the side. Even with no makeup on, her cherry lips stood out brightly against her skin.
“Look at me.” She looked back up as I bent and kissed each breast, my hands resting on her hips. She seemed uneasy. Her eyes looked urgent. “What is it?”
“You have to touch me.” I could feel her heat against my thigh and her body bucked slightly toward me. She wanted me and I was teasing her, making her wait. I stood up straight. Hovering over her, I placed my index finger on her belly and ran it south very lightly until I was touching her soft flesh. Her eyes closed and she turned her head away again.
“Open your eyes, Ava. I want to see you.”
I plunged two fingers in and let my thumb draw circles until she was writhing against me. I could feel her falling apart as her body tightened around my fingers. Just before she came, her back arched again, her eyelids fluttered, and her mouth opened in awe. I removed my hand and barreled into her while her body was still quaking from the orgasm. My hands met hers above her head, holding her in place as I moved in and out. She relaxed, letting me find a rhythm. Her hands gripped my sides, pulling me closer, her lips near my ear, kissing and sucking and making sweet sounds until I felt her reaching the pinnacle again. Arching her body into me, she went rigid. I could feel her release pulsing all around me. She came over and over until I finished, and then I collapsed on top of her. Both of our bodies were coated in sweat. I kissed her for a long time and then moved down her neck until I fell asleep, gripping her body to mine.
When we woke, the rain had stopped. We went out onto the veranda wearing matching black hotel robes. The sun peeked through the clouds.
She leaned over the balcony ledge to look out as I wrapped my arms around her from behind. “Please talk to me.”
“Fear is mainly what’s holding me back. I need to learn to find a balance so that I don’t fear life without someone.”
“That’s not a very romantic sentiment.”
“I had stars in my eyes before. I idealized what Jake and I had. I was only with him for a year and a half. We were only just getting to know each other. I let him pull me in so much that I didn’t think I could go on without him.”
“Isn’t that how you’re supposed to feel?”
“Listen to you. You’re suddenly the expert on love.”
“I know a few things when it comes to matters of the heart.”
“Well, Dr. Meyers, do tell.”
“Love is selfless. The other night I proved to you how selfish I could be, but I won’t make that mistake again. I think I know what needs to be done, but first you have to tell me where you want to be.”
“I want to be with you.”
I tightened my grip around her. “Then we’ll go back.”
“No, you’ll go back. I’m going to stay with my mom for a while and take classes here. That’s my decision.”
“Here, as in Spain?” I turned her so we were face-to-face. My own expression must have been shocked.
She arched her eyebrows and answered definitively, “Yes.”
“But you said you wanted to be with me.”
“I do, but you have to learn how to give more, and I have to learn how to give less.” I knew what she meant. We needed a balanced relationship, and neither one of us was emotionally ready for what that meant. A small smile touched her lips.
“I’m not sure what you’re saying, Ava.”
Her hand came up and caressed my jaw. “I’m in love with you, Nate, so much so that I don’t want to screw anything up. I’m afraid that if I go back now, that’s what will happen. All I’m asking for is a little time.”
“How long?”
“One year.”
I swallowed, shocked. My eyes shot open. “One year? I’m not going to see you for a year?”
She nodded. “That way we’ll know.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I know what I want now.”
“Don’t you want to be sure?”
“I am sure.”
“Nate, a year from now I’ll still be young and so will you, but at least in that time you can figure out where you want to practice for good and I can go back to school, something I should have done a long time ago.”
“I thought I was going to practice in Montana.”
“You said we needed to figure out the dream and chase it. What is your dream, Nate? Where do you want to live for the rest of your life? I know it’s not Montana. If I weren’t in the picture, wouldn’t you want to be closer to your mom and dad, especially if you have kids?”
“I guess. But what about you?”
“I can live anywhere.”
“Why can’t we date or take things slow while we’re figuring it out?”
“Because you and I aren’t capable of slow. I think we’ve proved that.”
“This is insane.” My voice started to rise uncontrollably. “So, does this mean we can’t talk on the phone or email?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m asking you for a year so I can get completely straightened out. I’m going back to school, and I think you should go back to L.A.”
I blinked, still trying to figure out how to change her mind. “Is L.A. even some place you’d want to live?”
“Yes, and you won’t change my mind,” she said.
“A lot can happen in a year, Ava.” What if she found someone else?
“I want to be with you. I love you and that won’t change in a year.” Her tone was determined.
I nodded, even though the prospect of what we were about to do scared the life out of me.
We took the subway to her mom’s apartment. On the doorstep I spun her around to face me. “I don’t know how I’m going to be away from you.”
Her grin widened. “You’ll be in my heart.”
“No heart jokes.”
I leaned in and kissed her deeply, wondering if it would
be the last time.
“Goodbye, Nate Meyers. You’ve made me better, but I want to be the best I can be for you and for myself.” Her voice was shaky. “It’s going to be hard for me, too.”
I shook my head and looked down at my shoes. “I still don’t understand.”
“You will.”
“What if we don’t make it?”
Tears streamed down her cheeks. I wiped them away with my thumb and felt my own eyes start to water. She shook her head and shrugged.
“We’re gambling with what we have,” I said.
“It would be more of a gamble if we didn’t take this time. Look what’s happened so far.”
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone, Ava. I think about you more than anything. I can see a future with you. You’ll break my heart, you know, if this doesn’t work out.” I brought her to my chest and hugged her.
“I will see you a year from today—June fourteenth, two thousand and eleven.”
“Where?”
“Wherever you are, I’ll find you, if it’s meant to be. Just please let me grow up and figure myself out. I want to live, and I owe that to myself.”
It was so hard for me to let her go. I continued to drag out our goodbye.
“What can I do? I don’t know what to do.”
“Go back to L.A. and build a life there.”
“I feel like you’re breaking up with me.”
She sniffled and shook her head. “Please, let me go.”
“I can’t. Please don’t do this,” I pleaded.
“It’s not forever.”
“It could be.”
She pulled out of my embrace and squared her shoulders and jutted her chin out at me. “One year.”
“I’ll stalk you,” I said.
She laughed and then started crying again. “One year,” she whispered this time, looking pained. She leaned up on her toes and kissed me. Her mouth stayed closed but she let her lips rest on mine for more than a few seconds, and then she was gone.
CHAPTER 25
The Letters
July 14, 2010
Dear Ava,
It’s been about a month since I last saw you in front of your mother’s apartment but it feels like a decade. You said no emails or phone calls but you said nothing about letters so . . . I want to give you the space you need but my heart aches for you and writing to you makes me feel like our connection is still real.
I came back to Montana to my empty, cold little house. The geese on the lake were still making a mess but at least they were honking loud enough to drown out my inner thoughts. Before I met you all I thought about was work. Now all I think about is life outside of work, though I don’t have much of one.
I’ve been to the ranch a few times. In fact, I’ve brought Shine and Tequila to my place. They graze in the meadow and sometimes I take Tequila for long rides. Shine still needs work but Trish has been coming down and helping with that. My mom came out to stay with me last week. She’s like you in a lot of ways. Warm and caring, but deep down she’s a firecracker. She wished she had gotten a chance to meet you. I talked about you non-stop. I know I won’t stay here much longer. I’ve already let the hospital know and I’ve mentioned to my dad that I might want to move back to L.A. before the end of the year.
I’m scared to make decisions because you’re not here. I just have to trust that you’re feeling the same way. I went to the hot spring today alone and then I rode back to the ranch. The wind in my ears sounded like your voice, for some reason. It reminded me of you, but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
August 14, 2010
Dear Ava,
I did a heart transplant on a kid today. It was a success and it was exhilarating. His name is Noah and he’s the smartest freakin’ ten-year-old I’ve ever met. Over the last couple of months he kept getting sicker and sicker until finally he had to be placed on the transplant list. The sad thing is that some other kid lost his life somewhere. Noah kept asking me if his personality would be different after the transplant. I just told him that a healthy heart would do him a lot of good. I wondered if that’s what you were always trying to tell me.
I hope you’re well, chasing your dreams. I’ve been making a lot of plans lately. I don’t know if you’re reading my letters but I’m not going to stop sending them.
My conversation with Noah today before his surgery reminded me of you, but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
September 14, 2010
Dear Ava,
Today I came back to my house on the lake and packed up a few boxes. I’m planning to move next month. I got my job back at UCLA. Of course there’s talk that if my father weren’t the head heart surgeon there, I’d be down and out.
Olivia keeps convincing me that I’m the best and that’s why they want me back, but I only feel like the best when I’m around you. I have an agent looking for a house for me near the beach. I thought you might like that. I know you won’t answer me, so I just have to hope you’ll like it.
I’ve been working a lot but not too much. Dale and Redman keep me grounded on my days off. I had the pleasure of sticking my arm up a cow’s ass yesterday on the ranch. Dale still laughs hysterically whenever I do anything like that for him. I just pretend it’s the most serious of life-changing procedures. I’ve started calling out commands like I’m in the operating room. “Giant jug of lube please.” “Preparing to fist this cow’s ass.” I keep a completely straight face, and that’s probably what gets Dale rolling on the ground laughing. You can’t take yourself too seriously. That’s what I’ve learned lately. Even at the hospital around sick people, I’ve learned laughter is the best medicine for them and me. I guess that’s part of the bedside manner I was lacking before.
I always wonder if you ever think about me. Sometimes, when I’m lying in bed, I can feel you. It happens a few times a week, just as I doze off. I can feel your warmth. This is fucking killing me, Ava. Sometimes I think I want to give up but then I don’t even know what that means because it’s not like I’ll stop missing you.
I haven’t washed my sheets and I know that’s disgusting but I don’t want to wash away the smell of your hair on my pillow. It reminds me of you as I’m falling asleep, but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
October 14, 2010
Dear Ava,
Today is my thirtieth birthday and my last day in Montana. Happy birthday to me. I miss the fuck out of you. The scrub nurses took me for drinks after surgery today. They tried to have their way with me. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but I’m drunk and proud of myself. I had to beat them off with clubs. Just kidding. No one comes near me because all I talk about is you and our house in L.A.
Oh yeah, I got a house overlooking the ocean. I’m moving into it in two days. The house is awesome but it needs some work. I hope it will be ready by June. I’m going to do all the work myself. There are these amazing wooden built-in hutches in the dining room that have been painted a million times over so I’m going to strip them down and stain them and restore them back to their original beauty. I think you’ll love it.
So guess what? Redman punched me in the face last week, that ornery old man. He said I was smarting off to him. I think his hand hurt worse than my face but I pretended that he got me good. He has a serious hoarding problem and I told him that he needed to see a counselor, so he socked me. Then I told him he needed anger management and he tried to sock me again but I ducked. Bea said his anger management is punching sacks of grain. Everyone misses you. Not as much as me though.
Bea and Red are crazy but great. I promised them that I would come back every summer so they made me put it in writing. There was a clause in there about you, too. I hope it’s not just my dream anymore. I walked by your cabin and saw that you had someone box everything up. I don’t know what to think anymore. Time is dragging on. The porch swing was swaying a bit from the win
d and it reminded me of you but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
November 14, 2010
Dear Ava,
I’m back in L.A. and have been working non-stop on our house and at the hospital. Notice that I said “our house”? I hope that I’m not kidding myself. I told you I would stalk you but I want to give you your space, too. The other day when I lost it a little bit over you, I called Trish and made her tell me everything she knew.
She said you were in an accelerated nursing program. I’m proud of you! Fuck, I miss you.
I met one of our neighbors, Edith. She’s older than dirt but still totally with it. I keep telling her about you and yesterday she asked me if I had any pictures. I said no and she looked at me in a peculiar way. She told me I was good-looking enough to not have to make up an imaginary girlfriend. Are you real, Ava? I remember what you look like and how you feel, how you smell and the sounds you make. You must be real. God, I hope you’re real and I hope you come back to me.
Edith has a dog named Poops. He actually used to be named Carl but then he started eating his own poop so she changed his name to Poops. She said she got so mad at him for it that he wasn’t allowed to have a human name anymore. Now when people bend down to pet the little King Charles spaniel they say, “What’s his name?” and Edith says, “Poops, ’cause he eats his own damn poop.” Usually people pull back and avoid the lick on the face. It’s best for everyone, she told me. I think you’ll like her.
She sews these amazing quilts and then sells them on eBay for thousands of dollars. The quilts remind me of you but then again everything reminds me of you. Nate.
———
December 14, 2010
Dear Ava,
I’m going to spend Christmas out at the ranch. Unbelievably, I’m taking a few days off. I’ve been working non-stop to keep my mind off of you.
Yesterday I lost a patient on the table. He was a young man with an underlying heart condition. We did everything we could but his heart just couldn’t take anymore. I had to tell his family and it was awful. He had a four-year-old son and an eighteen-month-old daughter. His wife was so devastated when I told her that she fell into my arms and cried. I let her sob against my shoulder for fifteen minutes and then all of a sudden she stopped, just like that.