“I still have a few days left.”
“And you want me to overlook anything you do or say to me because it’s for the sake of your personal research. What kind of experiment is this?”
“I’m testing the validity of social norms by living two days only basing my decisions on instinct, and then living two days basing them on mainstream values. But I’m past the instinct phase. That’s why I’m telling you now.”
“To explain your bad behavior?”
“And because now that I’m in the phase where I have to base actions on social values I thought I needed to tell you. It seemed like the socially correct thing to do.”
Julia looked blankly at her brother. She didn’t know if she should believe any of what she’d just heard, but his patient expression suggested that she should take everything he’d said at face value.
“I’m leaving,” she said.
“We’re brother and sister,”
“But we can’t live together, not with all of your ideas and your experiments. I love you, but we’re too different.”
“Maybe one of us should leave. I understand why you would want to move out, not forever, but at least until I’m done with this experiment. But now that I’m past the phase of breaking social norms, there shouldn’t be any more problems.
“Take the house,” Julia said.
“I promise, the worst of this is over,” Thomas restated.
“Thomas, don’t you understand anything. These next few days will be worse than anything you might’ve done in the first phase of your experiment.”
“I told you these are the days when I’m keeping the social norms.”
“And I could live with you so much easier if you kept living out of instinct. Try to see this from my point of view. Everything you do and say to me will be false. I won’t be able to trust anything you do. Every kind or sympathetic word, your whole life is going to be a sham, and if I stay you’ll drag me into it.”
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting? I’m going to be good for crying out loud.”
“No you’re going to try to be good.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You can’t be good Thomas. No matter how hard you try you’ll come up short. But you’re not even trying to be good. You’re just trying to act good externally, and that’s even worse. Thomas, I’m so afraid for you, and whatever happens, I want you to know that I love you.”
“But I need you to stay. I need to be living in some kind of a normal social structure for the experiment to be valid.”
“And that’s why I have to go. Don’t worry or feel bad. And don’t be surprised when you find out that,” Julia paused. “Don’t let the truth surprise you.”
“You can be so melodramatic.”
“I’m serious, Thomas. It can be hard if you . . . Just know that I love you.”
“Maybe it would be better if you left, at least for tonight,” Thomas said.
“Why for tonight?”
“During the first half of the experiment, when I was doing whatever I wanted, I sort of invited a bunch of people over for a big party and it got pushed back to tonight. I was so busy focusing on following my whims that I didn’t think about how I was supposed to follow social norms with consequences left over from the first half of the experiment. And now that those consequences have spilled over into this phase, I don’t know what to do. It’s kind of a messy experiment, but it’s only for me personally. When I’m ready to publish the results I’ll tighten everything up and repeat the whole thing on a larger scale.”
“I need to clarify this,” Julia said. “You feel like you’re stuck apologizing to me because you weren’t thinking about how you were going to follow social norms?”
“That’s right,” Thomas answered. “You see I have an obligation to be respectful of your space and schedule, but I’m also responsible to all the people who have already been invited.”
“What about being completely inconsiderate of everyone else around you?” Julia blurted out.
“That’s the point. I couldn’t be considerate because I needed to see how breaking social . . .”
“Stop it, Thomas. I was talking about the whole concept of this experiment of yours. Did you ever stop to think that undertaking such a ridiculous experiment would affect everyone around you?”
“Of course I had to take that into consideration, but this is bigger than you or me. It’s only a very small step, but this will help to show that what’s right for one person might not be right for anyone else. This is to prove that whether we spend our lives breaking or keeping norms, in the end it doesn’t matter, that we don’t need artificial morality left over from western society’s antiquated mythical belief in a supreme being.”
“Then I am leaving,” Julia said. “I’ll start packing now.”
“I’ll be done in a few days,” Thomas called after her. He followed her as far as the doorway to her room. “At least tell me that you’ll come back in a few days when this is all over.”
“No, Thomas, I can tell that this isn’t ever going to end. Not for you. I’m packing and I’m leaving today. I’ll come back to get the rest of my stuff later.”
“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Thomas said cajolingly.
“Some actions are wrong, not just for me or you, but for everyone. And those actions have consequences. If you’d lived a day in the real world you’d know that.”
“And what do you know about the real world? One little trip across the border to see poor people and now you’re an expert?”
“Get out of my room!” Julia yelled. The emotion shocked Thomas enough that he obeyed. Julia watched as he hung his head and slunk down the hallway. She listened as his footsteps made their way into the kitchen. Then came more silence. After Julia finished packing the clothes that she’d pulled from her dresser drawer, she closed the suitcase and decided to apologize to Thomas. She found him staring into the refrigerator.
“I’m sorry,” he said when he noticed her standing behind him. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you or said any of those things.”
“Are you saying that because you’re sorry, or because you weren’t supposed to yell at people, and now that you have, apologizing is the right thing to do?” Julia asked.
Thomas paused.
“That’s why I have to go,” Julia said softly.
“I understand.”
Julia turned to leave but stopped. “Thomas.”
Thomas turned back toward her.
“I was pregnant.”
Neither of them said anything at first. Julia watched the realization seep into her brother’s features.
“I didn’t know,” he managed to say.
“Nobody did. But now I’ve got to finish packing.”
“You’re right. It’s best for you to go,” Thomas said again. “But I want you to stay. I can’t do this without you.”
“You want me to stay to help with your experiment?”
“I want you to stay to help me. You can go for tonight. That really would be best, but for me I need you to stay.”
“I can stay for you,” Julia said. “I’ll even stay tonight until I have to be at Maggie’s. I’ll stay for you, because I meant what I said about loving you.”
“That’s what I respect about you, Julia. You don’t believe that sacrificing for others will get you anywhere in life, and you do it anyway. Even if my admiration isn’t better or worse than my loathing, you’ve got it all the same. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but there you have it.”
* * *
The guests began to trickle into Julia’s house around 8:00 that night. By 8:45, she could hardly move from the living room to the kitchen, though it didn’t matter where she stood; every room was the same. In each corner she found someone trying to escape from something, while at the same time trying to convince themselves that everything was right in their lives. The conversations varied greatly from one place to another, but everyone seemed to be saying
the same thing.
She found Thomas in one corner, where he stood talking with Robert and anyone else who might care to listen to him as they passed by on their way to other corners.
“I had to endure Rip Van Winkle in my literature class. If I can make it through that I can get through anything,” Thomas moaned.
“Was it like, really long or something?” Robert asked. “‘Cause I figured you liked reading all that stuff.”
“It’s the idea behind it that I couldn’t stand.”
“Yeah,” Robert agreed.
“The whole story exists to perpetuate the antiquated idea that change isn’t really possible. Who wakes up after a revolutionary war and finds everything the same? It’s a ridiculous denial of the fact that humanity is constantly evolving socially and philosophically.”
Robert nodded his head and fixed his eyes on a girl in a tank top and cowboy hat who stood drinking alone.
“You can see the progression in western civilization as we’ve gone from polytheism, to monotheism, and now we’re moving into atheism. Not that I’m advocating progress, once we’ve really understood atheism we’ll all know that progress is pointless, but I am noting that there is a steady change as we follow our natural instincts. It’s really the old idea of monotheism that has perpetuated the erroneous notion that no matter what we do the world stays the same.”
“Hey man, I don’t want to seem rude or anything,” Robert interrupted, “but that hot chick over there’s drinking all alone and I just wanted to see if she wants some company.”
“Hey Thomas,” Clint called from the opposite corner. “Where’s your drink?”
“I finished it,” Thomas called back over the myriad of conversations between them.
“Robert held up a half empty bottle and shook it so that some of the liquid spilled out.
“Dude you’ve got to drink. It’s your party,” someone else chimed in.
“Yeah,” someone else added. “If you’re not drinking it makes the rest of us feel bad for being so drunk.”
“Okay, I’ll have another one,” Thomas said. As he opened the bottle that appeared in his hand, he convinced himself that refusing would be rude.
“Yeah,” came another voice. “Nobody wants to be drunk around a sober guy.” He put his arm around Thomas. “We’ve all got to get wasted or it’s no fun.”
Julia watched from a distance before going into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. When she’d made her way back into the living room she noticed the clock and, realizing that she’d lost track of time, began to fight her way to the front door.
“I’m sorry you have to endure this,” Thomas shouted. He’d come up behind and startled her.
“It’s okay,” Julia assured him.
“What does all of this look like to you?”
“You see it just like I do,” Julia retorted.
“Not like you I don’t. What do you think? What do you feel?”
“It makes me sad,” Julia said. “It makes me want to shout at the top of my lungs and tell everyone that life doesn’t have to be like this.”
“You believe there’s something more.”
“There has to be.”
“Are you going?”
“I’ve got something to do,” Julia said sternly.
“You’ve got to help that girl, the one you called an idiot.”
Julia wished that she hadn’t trusted Thomas with her feelings toward Maggie. “Yes,” she answered. “I’m watching her son.”
“Of course you are. But you’d be leaving now even if you didn’t have anything to do.”
“I’m a mirror to them,” Julia said. “I’m leaving for their sakes, besides I hear that nobody wants to be drunk around a sober person.”
“You’re right again,” Thomas said.
“I’ll be back later tonight, and I’ll help clean up their mess.”
“You’ll help me clean up the mess I’ve made?” Thomas asked with genuine bewilderment. Then he looked away from his sister, at the mass of people crowded around them. “I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think you can clean up this kind of mess.”
“All the same I’ll come back and help,” Julia said before finishing her glass of water. Then she slipped through the front door and out of the madness. She’d just reached the end of the driveway, where her car was parked, when she heard a voice calling behind her. She turned around to see Robert stumbling through the front door.
“Wait a minute,” he called out as he staggered toward her.
Julia waited on him to meet her.
“Can you give me ride home?” he asked. “I’m a little drunk.”
Julia sighed heavily. “Go ahead and get in,” she said, opening the passenger door for him in an exasperated motion. He got in and she walked around to the other side of the car.
“I heard about you from your brother,” he said to her as she sat in the car.
“You heard what?” Julia said to humor him.
“About you getting pregnant.”
“My brother shouldn’t have said anything.”
“It wasn’t his fault. We were drinking,” Robert said casually. “I just didn’t know you were like that.”
“Like what?” Julia tried to remain aloof, reminding herself that she was speaking to a drunk man who might not even remember their conversation in the morning. Julia started the car.
“I thought you were all uptight. Do you feel okay?” Robert asked.
Julia was ready to say that she was fine, but realized that she did feel a little dizzy. “I was fine a minute ago,” she confessed.
Robert turned the car off. “Maybe you shouldn’t be driving after all,” he said leaning close to her.
“What’s going on?” Julia asked as she leaned away from the stench of alcohol on his breath.
“I gave you a little something to help.”
“You what?”
“Don’t worry,” Robert said in the most assuring tone he could muster. “I just gave you a little bit, to loosen up the inhibitions, since you weren’t drinking or anything.” Robert put his oafish hand on her cheek.
“Please stop,” Julia said as firmly as she could.
Robert let his hand fall from her cheek down to her neck.
“Stop it,” she said again and tried to pull away. She could hardly force her groggy muscles to obey.
Robert pushed her back with the hand that held her neck, and with the other pulled her legs up onto the passenger seat. Julia didn’t have time to react before she felt him pressing up against her. She reached behind her and pulled at the door handle, but it was locked. Her fingers fumbled around in an attempt to find the button that could open it, but he grabbed her hand and forced it down to her side.
“Think,” she told herself. “You can get out of this.”
Robert’s other hand moved up her leg and she lost her last shred of composure. The adrenaline overrode the dizzying effect of the drug, and she kicked frantically into the air. Still he only leaned in closer. She tried to push him back, but he weighed too much. She kicked again and must have caught him just a little off guard, because he hesitated and gave her enough time to roll over onto her stomach and reach for the lock. He batted her hand away before she could pull it and tried to pull her away from the door. She gripped the bottom of her seat and pulled up with all her strength. She could feel his hands pulling at her shirt.
Her fingers started to slip as he pulled back on her t-shirt. She let go for a second, just long enough to try and get a better grip, and she felt herself being jerked upward. She reached out her left hand to try and grab the door handle while her right hand fumbled underneath the seat in the hopes of finding something to grab onto. In its frantic movement her hand came across a cold sharp metal object, and she instinctively gripped it with all her strength. The razor edge sliced into her palm as she grabbed onto it, but she held on tight knowing that it was her only hope to be able to pull herself up to unlock the door. She hardly notic
ed the searing pain in her hand as she clutched the object with her right hand, and lunged forward one last time in an attempt to unlock the door with her left.
Robert pulled her back again, and Julia realized that the metal object wasn’t connected to the seat. She found herself on her back, still clinging to whatever her right hand had found. In desperation she swung her fists wildly and managed to hit him in the face.
Robert yelled and rolled off of her, falling down onto the floor in front of the passenger seat. Then Julia noticed the blood streaming down her arm, and the knife that she still gripped by the blade. She saw the blood that flowed down from Robert’s cheek as he fumbled with the door and managed to get it open. Julia lay motionless as her assailant flopped out of the car and onto the pavement.
She sat up and noticed Thomas, who must have heard the shouts, running out of the house. She saw something wild in his eyes as they fixed on Robert, who was staggering backwards in the driveway. For a moment she found a hint of compassion, as his eyes turned to where she sat frozen inside the car. But the compassion vanished in an instant as he looked back towards Robert. She could see him putting the pieces together.
She knew that he wouldn’t take the time to think about what the right decision would be, and watched as he reacted. Horror gripped her as Thomas rushed toward Robert and threw all his weight at the confused drunk. He had no trouble knocking Robert to the ground and the thud of Robert’s head slamming against the concrete startled Julia. She dropped the knife and hurried to get out of the car. Thomas had gotten on top of Robert and grabbed him by the hair. He slammed his head into the pavement again. Robert didn’t seem to understand what was happening and tried to sit up. Thomas punched him in the face.
She’d never imagined that her brother could be so vicious. He was normally so passive, but now she could see that he had lost control. Something else had possessed him, and it gave him a terrible strength that she’d never seen in her brother before that night. The dome light that spilled out of the open car door illuminated the two figures just enough for Julia to be able to see the blood that poured from Robert’s mouth and the back of his head. She crawled out of the car and rushed to Thomas, wrapping her arms around his chest.
“Stop! Stop it!” she yelled frantically. “Oh, Thomas, please stop.” She tried to pull him away. She could feel the rapid beating of his heart with her right hand. She tried again to pull her brother away from Robert, who still didn’t seem to fully understand what was happening. The blood gushed from Julia’s right hand and stained Thomas’s shirt as it poured down onto Robert’s heaving chest. She finally managed to pull her brother back and they both fell down onto the driveway. Julia didn’t let go of Thomas as they lay on their sides. Her arms still clung to his chest, and the blood that poured out of her wounded hand found its way to the concrete and began to trickle down the sloped driveway. “Please stop,” she cried faintly. “Please.”