“That’s shrewd,” Abraham said to Julia approvingly, but added, “Is it really that easy ta lie ta your parents?”
“No,” Julia said thinking quickly, “we’re going to stop by the park on the way home, so it won’t be a lie.”
Abraham chuckled, amused by her measures.
“So are you ready ta hear?” he asked
“Hear what?” Lewis interjected, still confused about why his sister had brought him to the nursing home. Julia shushed him and Abraham began.
“I haven’t told this ta anyone in a very long time,” he said before Lewis interrupted him.
“Why not?”
Julia jabbed him with her elbow, but their grandfather didn’t seem to mind answering.
“Mostly ‘cause nobody ever asked me,” he continued. “But I’ve thought ‘bout it all the time. Especially here where all there is ta do is think. I’ve done lots a’ things over there, but this is what I think ‘bout most nights. It was me an’ three other guys an’ we were supposed to parachute into a location. The problem was that they gave us this translator who was hardly 19 years old by the looks of him. He didn’t exactly have as much experience as the rest a’ us, an’ it was a tough place ta land, an’ he ended up breaking his leg on the jump, the femur.”
At this point Abraham patted his thigh for Lewis who obviously didn’t know what a femur was, but didn’t want to interrupt again.
“We realized that we’d been seen comin’ down ‘cause we heard people lookin’ fer us, so we hid ourselves an’ laid still fer three days. We hadn’t been able ta do nothin’ fer the poor boy’s leg, but he laid there still as could be without makin’ a sound even though it had ta hurt like somethin’ terrible. He didn’t whimper or complain or say anything, but laid there quiet as can be so they wouldn’t find the rest a’ us.
“An’ ta be honest, the rest a’ us were so scared that we pretty much forgot ‘bout him. We all just laid there on our bellies without gettin’ up or lookin’ ‘round for three whole days, an’ I think most a’ us thought ‘bout home an’ our families, or our sweethearts that we were goin’ ta make a family with as soon as we got out a’ that place. When we finally decided that the coast was clear the first thing we realized was that we’d all made our food rations stretch those three days, but that we were famished an’ dehydrated, an’ none a’ us thought that we could make it out.
That was when one a’ the guys noticed the boy hadn’t gotten up, an’ we all went over to where he’d been hidin’ an’ he was still lyin’ on his stomach not movin’ or sayin’ anythin’. I called out ta him in a whisper an’ said that we figured the coast was clear, an’ so we were moving out, but he still didn’t move so I went over ta him an’ realized that he was dead, an’ I knew he hadn’t been dead longer than a few hours ‘cause his body wasn’t completely cold or stiff yet.”
He looked over at Lewis and explained, “When a person’s been dead fer very long his body gets cold an’ rigid. Anyways, after that we realized that he’d gone all that time an’ hadn’t taken a bite a’ his rations. That’s when we knew that he’d laid there dyin’ all those days sufferin’ and starvin’ so silently with a broken leg so all the rest a’ us could live, even though he hardly knew us, an’ none a’ us had been particularly nice ta him because we didn’t figure we were going ta have any need of a translator an’ that the boy was only goin’ ta be dead weight.
“In the end we barely managed ta make it out an’ we all stayed alive on his rations that he left fer us ‘cause he must’ve known that he was goin’ ta die. But none a’ us ever felt right ‘bout it. We all felt a little guilty, like we hadn’t done anythin’ ta deserve what he’d done fer us, an’ we all felt like it should’ve been one a’ us who died in that place, ‘cause he was a really good man—I call him a man now ‘cause that’s what he was—an’ we all knew that he was one a’ the finest we’d ever met, even before we left on that mission, but that didn’t keep us from givin’ him the cold shoulder while we were at the base an’ going out a’ our way ta make him feel unwelcome.
“When we got back I found his Bible, an’ I could tell that it was well read ‘cause the pages were smudged from dirty fingers, an’ the cover was almost worn off. I didn’t consider it stealin’ ta take it ‘cause he hadn’t left a widow, an’ I promised ta myself ta read that book cover ta cover when I got home, but I never found the time.”
“Do you still have it?” Julia asked, full of amazement.
“I’m sure it got thrown in one a’ those boxes when they packed up all my stuff. It’s probably in that storage shed collectin’ dust just like everything else.”
Lewis hadn’t said anything since he’d first interrupted, but his excitement finally overcame him and he asked, “What else do you have in there?”
“Just junk mostly, old clothes, old pictures, an’ some old huntin’ gear.”
“Really?” Lewis asked.
“I guess you’ve never held a gun. If I weren’t stuck here I’d teach you how ta shoot, an’ we’d go huntin’. Nobody teaches a boy how ta shoot anymore.”
“Boys in the city learn on their own,” Julia noted.
“Lewis, I’m sorry I can’t teach you how ta shoot a gun, but you can have mine when I’m gone, if you’ll promise ta learn how ta use it right. That’ll be as close as I come ta helpin’ you grow up. Would you like that?”
“I guess,” Lewis said.
“If it’s okay with you, I could take him by the storage shed this weekend,” Julia offered.
“I don’t see any reason why not,” Abraham said. “But you’d better get goin’ if you’re really goin’ ta stop at the park on your way home.”
Julia agreed that it was time to go, and she left with Lewis. Neither of them said anything else about their visit, or the storage shed. Even if one of them had wanted to break the silence neither of them would have known what to say. The receptionist greeted them when they walked by her desk, but she’d dropped the sickeningly sweet façade.
“See you later Susie,” Julia said as she opened the door.
“Call me Susan.”
“Okay, Susan.”
Julia and Lewis walked out of the double doors and found themselves in the sunlit parking lot. When they were in the car on the way back to the house Julia asked Lewis if he really wanted to learn how to shoot a gun, and, even though his yes seemed less than enthusiastic, she agreed to take him to the storage shed when they had time, as long as he never mentioned anything to their parents. After a few minutes in the park, they snuck back into the house hoping to avoid being noticed, but there wasn’t any need because nobody was home. Lewis went to his room and thought about what tomorrow would bring. Julia went to her room also, and everything that she had managed to forget for an afternoon came flooding back to her. She turned up her music so Lewis wouldn’t hear her crying into the pillow.
After Julia had cried every tear she could manage she passed the rest of the evening working on an essay before going to bed early. Scott didn’t call. For that matter neither did Sara or Jason. She didn’t call them either. She spent the night lying awake in bed wishing that the whole world would come to a stop. She rolled back and forth for several hours, but must have gotten some sleep because the alarm clock’s mechanical beeping woke her up in the morning.
Chapter 7
“The Astronaut”
For a moment it was real.
Then sunlight filled the room—and my eyelids.
Awaking, I was disheartened
by the realization that gravity held my body
firmly in my bed, and the sun,
so unkind, informed me
that I had never been an astronaut.
Reality whispered “it was only a dream.”
Nevertheless, I tried to remember how life had felt
when I was free
of the weight that binds my feet to the ground.
But my planner beeped impatiently,
reminding me that I h
ad no time for such thoughts.
The day already beginning
leaves no space for the life
of dreams, now exiled by
reality’s restraints and intruding sunlight.
When Peter woke up to the beeping of his alarm on Friday, November 22nd he had felt something ominous hanging over him, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to escape whatever doom the day had in store for him. He’d managed to shake the feeling during his time at the office and while he was out with Stanly that evening. By the time he got back to the house, the kids were asleep, and he’d completely forgotten the dread that he’d felt when he woke up. The day had been textbook, almost a rerun of yesterday, which is why, when Peter got to the living room, he was completely unprepared for Hannah’s announcement about the decision she’d made.
“Shouldn’t we talk about it first? We could try counseling. I know we’ve been getting more distant,” Peter began. His shock was the same as that of a chain smoker who’s just been told that he has lung cancer.
“No I’ve made up my mind. I’ve already started with the paperwork.” Hannah was as firm as Peter could ever remember her being.
“At least tell me why. Was it something I did? Something I said? If this is about the other night I promise . . .”
She didn’t let him finish, “It wasn’t anything you did or said.” Hannah grew bolder as she gained momentum, “No. It’s everything you didn’t do and didn’t say. I feel like this relationship is stifling me and I need to get out.”
“But this? Isn’t there something else?” Peter suggested.
“Why does this bother you so much? You know we don’t love each other anymore. We haven’t loved each other for a long time now. We’ve only been pretending for appearance’s sake. We shackle each other. At least you shackle me. The only reason we’ve stayed together this long is to maintain stability for the kids, and to keep up appearances for the neighbors. Julia’s leaving the house soon and,” Hannah stopped for a moment and realized what she had said. “That’s why this bothers you. It’s why you always mow the front lawn twice as often as the back. It’s all about maintaining your facades.
“Who are you trying to impress? This isn’t the fifties. Wake up to the world around you. This is what people do now when marriages don’t work. Don’t you understand that nobody’s going to care? It’s not like we know our neighbors so who cares if they talk, but they won’t because they don’t know us either. We wouldn’t even know their name if we hadn’t gotten their mail in our box.”
Peter sat silently while Hannah continued.
“So who is it, your senile dying father? Is it because of what he did when he found out your brother couldn’t make his marriage work. If that’s your only reason, just don’t tell him. He’ll be dead soon enough. You don’t have anyone to put on a front for except yourself. And that’s who you’re doing it for isn’t it. That’s all life is for you, being able to go to bed telling yourself that everything’s perfectly fine when we both know that isn’t the case. Why can’t you stop pretending? Why don’t you wake up from your little dream world and admit that our marriage is in shambles.”
“Think about Lewis,” Peter said. He hadn’t been concerned about their youngest son, but it was the first card he found that seemed playable. It came too late. Hannah had already turned to retreat to the bedroom. When she was inside she locked the door behind her and threw herself on the unmade bed. It was all she could do to keep her resolution not to cry over worthless things, but this time she didn’t know for sure if the tears she was suppressing weren’t tears of relief.
Finally remorse overtook her. She wasn’t the least bit sorry for having said such horrible things to Peter. He deserved everything. He needed to hear it. The feeling that had seized her was closer to self-pity, and her only regret was that all those hurtful words had come from her mouth. She wasn’t the type of person to say such hurtful things.
She could hear Peter trying to turn the doorknob, and pleading with her from the other side. When she knew that there was no longer any danger of tears she let him in. And, after about an hour of talking everything over calmly and rationally, not letting emotions get in the way, Peter agreed to her proposal, not because he wanted to, but because it was obvious to him that the decision had already been made.
They agreed to do everything as quickly as possible, and in secret, not saying anything to the children until after Christmas, and not making anything final until Julia was out of the house. In the meantime they agreed to go on living as they had been. That was the compromise Peter had negotiated. And so the affairs of life continued in what, to an outside observer, would seem to be the most pleasant and normal fashion.
* * *
“Do you think it’s wrong?” Julia asked as she and Scott sat on his parent’s couch, as they had grown accustomed to doing when they were alone in the house.
“Do I think what’s wrong?” he asked, seeming genuinely confused.
“You know, what we did, what we’re doing,” she said. When he only returned a blank stare she added in an exasperated voice, “The operation.”
“No! Of course not, it’s all perfectly legal.”
“I know it’s legal,” Julia said, “But is it wrong? I mean what we did, what I did, it just doesn’t feel right. I haven’t really felt the same since.”
“I think you’re overreacting a little and that’s why you don’t feel right. Just relax” Scott said and slid his hand down her back in what became a successful attempt to change the subject.
“Is everything okay?” Hannah asked when Julia came slinking home that Sunday night.
“Yeah Mom. Everything’s fine,” Julia lied.
Hannah hadn’t lost touch with her daughter to the point of not being able to recognize that everything was far from fine, but she didn’t pursue the topic. She was just as eager to avoid conversation with her daughter as Julia was to avoid talking to her.
Julia knew that if her mother had pursued the topic, if she’d asked how she really felt, that she would have broken down and told her everything. Feeling a sort of relief Julia went back to her bedroom and with that same relief Hannah went into the living room and stood at the entryway. Peter and Lewis were watching football, and Peter was explaining the game while Lewis paid closer attention to his father than he ever did in school. Hannah knew that this was a common occurrence during football season, but couldn’t repress the thought that Peter was trying to butter up her youngest son so he would have an advantage if it came down to a custody battle. She knew this wasn’t Peter’s intention, and wasn’t the least bit worried about a custody battle, but the suspicion was too strong for her to simply shake it off. She left the living room without having been seen, convincing herself despite the understood irrationality of her suspicions.
While Peter and Lewis were watching football in the living room, Julia was in her room crying into her pillow but nobody could hear her over the music, except Hannah who noticed as she walked from the living room to her bedroom. But she didn’t know how to deal with her daughter, and didn’t want to deal with any more problems unless they were absolutely pressing.
“She’ll come to me when she’s ready to talk about it,” Hannah told herself and escaped behind her bedroom door. She went to bed before the football game ended, as did Julia, but neither of them went to sleep for quite some time.
Meanwhile Lewis was enjoying himself more than he had in a long time. He had completely forgotten that Summer Wallburn existed, and that she hadn’t given him an answer yet. All that mattered to him were first downs and touchdowns. For a few hours all of the confusion that normally accompanied his twelve-year-old life was reduced to something so simple, yet with enough complexity that trying to absorb it all fully engaged his attention.
Football left him no opportunity to remember all the problems and uncertainties of the outside world, which was really only one problem and one uncertainty. But that uncertainty was like the hydra he had
learned about in reading, with so many heads and facets that it looked like a myriad of problems until he stepped away from it and could see things in their proper . . . touchdown! His dad gave him a high five and they both celebrated with a handful of Cheezits while Peter explained the reply.
Explaining football to Lewis was the highlight of Peter’s week as well. He and his son loved the game for all of the same reasons. But the problems with Hannah had been creeping back into the foreground. They’d been slowly sneaking up on him until the Hail Marry pass that brought up first and goal with less than a minute to go in the first half. For a moment life was good, at least by comparison. His standards of good had slipped to the absence of bad, and he was able to justify an entire day spent watching football as “quality time” because Lewis had come home from Tommy’s in time to watch the last game with him. This preoccupation with the struggles of other men in a stadium hundreds of miles away made the day absolutely wonderful, especially by comparison. When the game was over Peter snuck into his bed. Hannah lay motionless and he felt relieved, having maintained the status quo another day.
* * *
Everyone woke up on Monday morning and began the new week as if nothing special or extraordinary had or would transpire. That afternoon, after class and rehearsal, Julia was sitting in the courtyard outside the school eating the plain bagel that she hadn’t managed to find time for during lunch. She was intentionally avoiding Scott, Sara, Jason, and anyone else who might actually care enough about her to stop and talk—part of her self-imposed exile. With so much weighing on her mind it had been easy for her to forget her promise to take Lewis by the storage shed, just something else to add to her list of self-reproach. Her eyes were fixed on the ground, which made it easy for Scott to approach without being noticed.
She looked up at him as he sat down across from her and remained silent for almost a minute. As time passed he might have actually felt sorry for her. Seeing her in such a dejected state should have pierced him. He fidgeted as if some sudden twinge of shame or guilt was too strong, and he got up as if to leave without saying anything. But he sat back down, and, with another glance up at his face, Julia could tell that something inside him had shifted.