Shy said he didn’t give a fuck about crushed ice but he did give a fuck about his bike. He also took this opportunity to point out that I also gave a fuck about his bike, like, in a big way.
This ticked me off mostly because he was right.
Therefore, I had no ready response, and as I was trying to come up with one, Shy threw out that he also didn’t give a shit about balance. He told me, even if I didn’t get that money back, we were square. What was his was mine, what was mine was his, he didn’t keep track or keep score, and we weren’t starting out a life where I did either.
Although I liked it that he thought this, he communicated it in a bossy way that ticked me way the hell off, so I told him to stop being so bossy.
He told me I sucked bossy dick and never complained unless I wasn’t getting my way, so I needed to get over it.
Of course, at this, my head nearly exploded, so I promptly ended the conversation by retreating into it and freezing him out for three days, which was difficult seeing as we were living together. That said, I put a lot of effort into it so I succeeded. This, not surprisingly, caused him to lose his mind. My deep freeze ended in a blowout that ended in really great sex and, right after that, Shy telling me a story that sorted me out.
“My mom and dad both worked, sugar,” he told me, lying on top of me on the living room floor, still inside me, his thumb tracing my hairline. “She didn’t make a lot. He didn’t make a fuss. It wasn’t about that. It wasn’t about balance or partnership or sharing. It was about unity. They didn’t keep score, they just gave, and I figure that was why they didn’t fight. Because if you give, the other person is gonna give because they get that back. So the balance comes natural. I put the money down on the house. You vacuum and clean the toilets ’cause I hate that shit. So, baby, we already had balance before you kicked in with your cash. You just didn’t see it. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s always gonna be the way. I’m gonna give to you, Tabby, ’cause I love you. You’re gonna do the same. You just gotta feel the natural balance, not work for it.”
There were sometimes I hated it when he was right, like, say, when we were shouting at each other.
There were other times I loved it. Like, say, when he was inside me after giving me an orgasm or when he told me sweet stories about his parents. The best was, like just then, when I had both.
So, obviously, after that, the fight was over.
And, by the way, we got the fridge that crushed ice.
I came out of my thoughts and back to Tyra.
“What are you saying? Marriage? Babies?” I asked.
She nodded and replied, “It’s time. You’ve been together for a while, and Shy’s awesome with the boys. It’s clear he loves kids, and I know this because he loves my boys like they’re his own little brothers, and he acted like that even before you two got together. I’m not saying you have to get married if that’s not your thing. But you two need to be on the same page about both, since they’re important.” She tipped her head to the side and asked, “Have you talked about it?”
We hadn’t and she knew that. She now knew (nearly) everything about Shy and me.
So I had a feeling this topic of conversation came up because of something else. I also had a feeling I knew what that something else was, since Shy and I were babysitting because Dad and Tyra went out with Hop and Lanie that night.
Therefore, I asked, “Um… Ty-Ty, where’s this coming from?”
She hesitated before she replied, “Big stuff, honey. Too big for now after I’ve had a few margaritas and it being so late. Tomorrow, I’ll give you a call and fill you in.”
As ever with anything Lanie, even just stories, I was looking forward to being filled in. Especially when it had to do with Hop now that they were “out” just like Shy and I.
Suffice it to say, Lanie still took drama to extremes, and apparently Hop got off on that much like Dad enjoyed Ty-Ty’s attitude. I had to admit, Hop and Lanie were kind of cute, because Hop seemed happier than I’d ever seen him, and Lanie had that light back in her eyes that had died when her fiancé Elliott bought it. No way, looking at them separately, would you think they worked, but they totally did.
“I’ll wait for your call but tell me now, is everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. Everything is good.” She smiled a small, knowing smile. “Hop is willing to do anything to make his woman happy. He’d walk a tightrope with no net if she was on the other side, cheering him on. And he just proved what we already knew, and he did that in a big way.”
This, I’d noticed watching those two, was the God’s-honest truth.
This, I noticed right then, made Tyra Allen happy.
“Though, Lanie feels the same about him,” Tyra added.
I’d noticed this too.
“Back to you, though, just to repeat, it’s crucial that you and Shy agree about important life stuff.”
She was right about that.
Tyra hooked her arm in mine, got close, and moved us slowly down the hall toward the kitchen.
“You don’t have anything to worry about,” she said. “I know another man who’d walk a tightrope. It’s just, you seriously butted heads over crushed ice. You may need to share your thoughts about holy matrimony and what you foresee with building your family.”
She was right about that too. There had been heartbreak and drama, and now Shy and I were coasting on a wave of goodness broken only when we fought about fridges, or his bossiness hit the danger zone and we had to have words. We hadn’t talked about any of this, and it was important.
“He wants to build a family,” I told her.
She stopped us before we hit the kitchen and looked at me. “I know that, honey, but he could be thinking six kids while you’re thinking two.”
Yes, Shy and I needed to have this conversation, because no way I was having six kids and he missed his family so much, this was a possibility.
I nodded. “You’re right, Ty-Ty.”
She grinned and we both moved down the hall.
Once there, I saw Dad and Shy in the kitchen, both taking pulls off their beers. Both wearing black tees, faded jeans, and motorcycle boots. Both exuding badassness. Both beloved by me.
It was a happy sight.
It had been said, repeatedly, that women found their fathers in their men.
Luckily, when I did just that, I had a good man to find.
It had also been said that men found their mothers.
I hoped, with the way he talked about her, Shy felt the same.
I hoped this for about a second when he dropped his beer, his eyes came to me and his chin dipped, saying nonverbally I was to go to him.
I went there, he curved an arm around me, pulled me in close, and bent to put his lips to my hair. “You ready to go home?” he asked and I melted into him.
I loved it when he held me and spoke into my hair.
I loved it when he called the house we shared our home.
And I loved it that he finally had a home.
“Yeah,” I mumbled into his throat, and he kissed my hair.
I looked to Dad and Tyra and saw Tyra had a small smile playing around her mouth, her expression warm.
Dad wasn’t smiling. I saw his eyes were intense but they were not conflicted.
He was happy. He was happy I had someone and he was happy that person was Shy, a man he understood, a man he could trust, a man who would go all out to protect his daughter.
A man who would walk a tightrope for me.
A brother.
“You have a good night, Dad?” I asked, and his eyes moved from Shy’s arm around my shoulders to me.
“Yeah, darlin’,” he answered then, “Come here and give your old man some love before you go, yeah?”
I moved out of Shy’s arm into my father’s. He tucked me close and kissed the top of my head.
“Thanks for lookin’ after the boys,” he murmured into my hair, I closed my eyes and nodded.
“Anytime,”
I whispered.
“Love you, Tabby,” he said, giving me a squeeze. He curled me out and back to Shy before he looked to Shy and said, “Safe home.”
“Right,” Shy said, leaned in, kissed Tyra’s cheek then, amidst waves and good-byes, we went out to my car.
We’d pulled out of the drive and were winding through the curving roads that led down the wooded mountain from Dad and Ty-Ty’s house when Shy announced, “Three and, babe, firm on that.”
I looked from the wooded darkness outside the car to my man.
“Three what?” I asked.
“Kids,” he answered then continued. “And marriage. Firm on that too.”
My stomach flipped.
Shy went on but when he did, it wasn’t an announcement. It was soft.
“I know you lost it all right before the big event, sugar, and you said you weren’t gonna do it again. I’m just sayin’, it means somethin’ to me so you are.”
“Shy—” I tried but he kept going.
“You lost that guy, that’s always gonna sting, I get that. But that is not gonna happen again and I want a ring on your finger, my ring. I wear yours. I want every time you look at your hand to remember you belong to me. I want every time I look at mine to remember I belong to you. Same when we see each other’s hands. You want a small shindig, I’m down with that but I’ll say now, I’d rather have a blowout.”
I was stuck on something he said earlier.
That guy.
That guy.
He always, but always, called Jason “that guy”.
“His name was Jason,” I said gently and carefully.
Shy glanced my way before glancing back to the road and asking, “What?”
“His name was Jason,” I repeated. “He wanted two kids. He’d never own a Harley even though I had schemes of finding ways to get him to buy one. He loved me. We were getting married and now he’s dead.”
Shy reached out a hand, found mine, and squeezed. “Tabby—”
“He loved me and would want you for me.”
The air in the car went still.
Then Shy started again, “Sugar—”
I squeezed his hand and interrupted, “That’s how much he loved me. He’d want you for me. He’d want me to be this happy.”
Shy was silent.
I let the car be that way for long moments before I looked to the road and told him, “Three kids is perfect and I want a big shindig, so it’s all good.”
“I wouldn’t want that,” Shy declared, and I looked back at him.
“Pardon?”
He glanced my way, his hand tightened around mine then he looked back to the road and stated, “No other man. Not anyone but me.”
“Shy—” I began but it was my turn to get cut off.
“I get you believe that. I get why you need to believe that. It might be wrong that I tell you this but I also saw him with you that night at DCPA, and I know you wanna believe it but it’s not even a little true. He would not want me for you. He wanted only you for him and he wanted to be the only one for you. Now, baby, you’re right. Jason’s dead. He doesn’t get to want anything. But I’ll tell you, I love you so much, I’m selfish and I only want me for you, not you with anyone else, if I’m breathin’ or I’m dead. And Jason felt the same fuckin’ way. I know that might suck hearin’ it but the truth is, there’s beauty in that. He didn’t love you enough to sacrifice you to another man. He loved you enough to want there to be only him for a lifetime ’cause that’s the way he felt about you. He didn’t get a lifetime. But, I’m tellin’ you now, I want a lifetime.”
I felt a stinging in my eyes as I admitted, “Shy, I don’t know what to do with that.”
He kept holding my hand tight when he replied gently, “Nothin’ to do with it. We don’t always get what we want, Tabby, and life goes on. I know you’ll always love him. I know you’ll always feel his loss. I gotta live with that. But luckily, love doesn’t have limits and you’re you, you got a lot of love to give. So I’ll take what I got since it’s everything. But, Tabby, baby, the point I’m making is, this is the only conversation we have where to me, that guy is Jason. He’s that guy. I am not bein’ a dick. I’m giving this to you real. I need that and I need you to give it to me ’cause he has a piece of you I’ll never have, so let me take what I need from him.” His voice dropped to low and sweet. “Do you get me, baby?”
“I get you, honey.”
He squeezed my hand, released the pressure and murmured, “Good.”
I looked to the windshield.
Shy drove in silence.
Then he broke it by declaring, “Settled. Three kids and a big shindig.”
“Settled,” I whispered.
“We’re not doin’ any of that ring-shoppin’-together bullshit. I’ll take care of you and you get the question and the time it’s asked as a surprise.”
I liked that. Something to look forward to.
All of it.
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Though I know the answer,” he went on, his voice soft but there was a smile in it.
“Yeah.”
He knew the answer. He so totally did.
“Yeah,” he repeated.
We went quiet.
Time passed, we hit Denver and I called, “Shy?”
“Right here, sugar.”
“Love you.”
He lifted my hand, touched his lips to my fingers, and then dropped my hand to his thigh.
Then he drove us home in silence.
There it was.
He loved me too.
Chapter Twenty
Stuck with Me
Early the next morning…
I heard my cell ringing, my eyes blinked open as I felt Shy’s hand on my behind give a reflexive squeeze.
I sleepily noticed it was still dark.
My cell kept ringing and Shy growled, “What the fuck? Who’s callin’ at three in the fuckin’ morning?”
I didn’t know but to find out, I had to get my cell, and I also had to get my cell because any call at three in the morning was a call you had to take. Unfortunately, this meant I had to roll off him and away, which I did, reaching toward the nightstand. He rolled with me so his front was pressed to my side, his thigh between my legs. I grabbed my phone, looked groggily at the display, and, at what I saw, sleep left me completely.
I slid my finger on the screen and put it to my ear.
“Natalie,” I greeted.
It was the first time I’d heard from her since we had our big fight.
“Tabby,” she replied, her voice small, scared, a way she never sounded and it sent shivers crawling over my skin. “I’m in trouble.”
Oh no.
I knew Shy felt my panic because I was no longer holding my phone to my ear. Shy had taken my phone and he was pressed into me in order to reach out and switch on the light.
I winced in the sudden brightness as Shy spoke.
“You got Shy. What’s goin’ on?” he said into the phone.
I blinked to adjust my eyes then stared at his face which was scary hard.
“Right, where are you?” he asked and his tone sent my hand shooting up to curl around his jaw. His eyes came to me, they were scary hard too, and I held my breath. He kept talking. “How many are there with you?”
Oh no.
No!
“Firepower?” he asked.
Firepower? God!
“Okay, hang tight,” Shy ordered as he rolled over me and got to his feet. I rolled to my side as he kept ordering. “Do not say anything stupid. Do not do anything stupid. But stall ’em. I’m makin’ the calls, the brothers are rollin’ out. It could be thirty, it’ll probably be forty-five.”
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and searched the floor frantically for my nightie even as Shy wound things up with Natalie.
“Woman, hear me. This phone is comin’ with me so you can’t call and freak Tab any more than she’s already freaked. Be smart, for fuckin’ once
in your life. I’m takin’ care of your shit once. This is the only chance you get. Don’t blow it now and know you won’t get the chance to blow it later. You fuck up again, even somethin’ not this big, you’re done for Tabby. Hear me?”
This big?
She must have heard him for he touched his thumb to my screen and commenced dressing.
I had my nightie on, and since he didn’t say anything to me, just started tugging on clothes, I called, “Uh… hello? Freaking out here, Shy.”
He looked at me and did the worst thing he could do at that moment.
He took two long strides to me, lifted his hands and cupped my jaws, one hand still holding my phone. Then he dipped his face so he was all I could see.
Okay, I knew this was serious.
Now I knew it was serious.
“She’s hit bottom, and I’m seein’ from your girl that when she does somethin’, she goes big,” he explained.
“Wh… what? What’s she done?” I stammered.
“Not a lot of time. You need to get dressed and to the Compound, which is where I’ll be takin’ her after I get her ass. It’s also the safest place for you if there’s blowback.”
Blowback! I freaking hated that word.
“Shy—”
He cut me off to lay it out for me. “She got in deep with a dealer. She owes him big. He’s takin’ his money back from her in pussy and when I say that I mean, her eating it, hers getting fucked, and all of this happening on camera. She’s right now dolled up and ready to give her first performance on a porno set.”
“They film pornos in Denver at three in the morning?” I breathed stupidly, focusing on that rather than the fact my best friend was preparing to make her film debut and not in a good way, and Shy stared at me.
Then he said, “Babe, pisses me off fuckin’ more than I am already that you didn’t know that and now you do. This bitch of yours, she’s not teachin’ you any more of these lessons. She shared with me she doesn’t feel like girl on girl or takin’ cock from a guy she doesn’t know and havin’ all that on film. She wants an extraction which means, she’s your girl, she gets one.” His hands pressed gently into my jaws as he emphasized, “One, Tab. I know these assholes, and Chaos is gonna buy a shitload of trouble for intervening.”