After he’d slowly gone through each month, he couldn’t look Evelyn in the eyes. “I’ve never been given anything like this.”
Evelyn smiled softly at him, and then glanced at me. A warm, happy, hopeful glint in her eyes that said the impossible was happening, and everything was going to be okay. When I think of my most wondrous Christmas memory, it’s that. I loved her so much.
And then there was the present Lyle gave me. I’m as choked up today as when I opened it. A framed picture of Mom and me at Disneyland – the one his c-father had taken from my room twenty years before.
“It’s not really a present, I guess,” Lyle-2 said. “I just thought you should have it back.”
“No,” I corrected, my voice cracking a little as Evelyn began rubbing my back. “No, it’s a present. It means a lot.”
I thought of the picture Lyle-1 had given me that last Christmas Eve. The one of me holding my mother’s corpse. Maybe Evelyn had been right in giving this incarnation of Lyle another chance. Maybe his molestation of Lily-2 was a case of youth, ignorance, and puberty influenced by Lyle-1’s corrupting holovideos. Now, four years later, as Lyle-2 was growing into the man he would become, maybe he was coming to grips with how his actions really affected Lily-2, and he was trying to make a change. And maybe we could help him.
His present to Lily convinced me even more. A picture of Lyle-1, his wife Katie, and a four-year-old Lily-1.
“It’s the only photo I have of you, your mother, and me.”
“This was my real mommy?” Lily-3 asked him, her pupils wide as she marveled over the eighty-year-old photo.
“Uh-huh,” Lyle said.
“Where is her clone?” she asked.
“Katie died before there was any cloning,” he explained. “But she loved you very much, and her love for you will always live on through me.”
Lily gave him a hug.
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On Christmas Day we invited him to stay longer, but Lyle said he needed to get back to Boston for an internship. He was going to drive Aunt Louise’s car down to San Diego, and we would take Aunt Louise home a few days later.
“I’m really glad we did this,” I said to him as Louise, Evelyn, and I walked him out to the car. Gray skies and a dusting of snow gave the landscape a picturesque wintry feel.
“Me too, actually,” he said, hefting his suitcase into the trunk. “So next Christmas you’re all welcome to join Lily and me in Boston.”
The crunch of footfalls from Evelyn and Aunt Louise stopped.
“What do you mean?” I asked, my stomach tightening.
“Well,” he said as he closed the trunk, “I’m turning eighteen in February. I thought I’d move Lily in with me in Boston.”
There were crunches behind me, and Evelyn leaned against my side.
“Lyle,” she said calmly but with a little vibration in her voice, “we want you to be a big part of our family, but we’re raising Lily as our daughter.”
Lyle shook his head. “No, she’s my daughter, and I’ll raise her.”
Evelyn’s calm but firm determination almost convinced me. “We’re keeping her.”
“My lawyer says I can take her,” he said, dusting some snow off the rear window. “But you can still visit her.”
“Your lawyer was wrong.” Evelyn’s voice was beginning to rise, and her grip on my hand was becoming painful. “They don’t move kids around after three years when there’s no reason to.”
Lyle still didn’t look up as he walked to the other side of the car and began brushing off more snow. “There are lots of reasons, and lots of precedents, for the clone of the biological parent to take over parenting when they become old enough.”
“Biological parent?”
Lyle stopped clearing the rear window and turned slowly to face Aunt Louise. “What?”
“Lyle,” she started, walking up to him and placing her hand on his wrist. “You know that’s not true.”
He hesitated, frowning at Louise before pulling away from her. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Didn’t Lyle tell you in his letters?”
He shook his head and began walking to the driver’s door. “I’m leaving.”
“Lyle. Your c-father was a eunuch.”
Silence followed, but for the sound of an occasional clump of melting snow flopping from a tree branch. Lyle had stopped in front of the car door.
“Why are you lying?” he croaked.
She shook her head. “You know I wouldn’t.”
Lyle didn’t say anything. He just stared at her.
“How do you know?” I asked her.
She started to move towards Lyle again, but he flinched away.
“From the whippings,” she said. “It was so terrible, Lyle, what Mommy and Daddy did to your c-father.”
Lyle went pale. “Don’t.”
“Making him strip, and kneel down to be whipped by Daddy while Mommy prayed for forgiveness.”
“Stop it.”
“I couldn’t do anything till they were done, and then they let me wash his cuts. I tried to do it gently. But that’s when I’d hear him cry, after Mommy and Daddy left the room.”
“None of this is true,” he whispered.
“Maybe they would have started with me someday. I don’t know. I was so scared they would. Your c-daddy saved me from all that when–”
Lyle pounded on the top of the car. “Enough!”
“Maybe I should have said something to him,” Louise continued, lost in her past, no longer noticeably aware of Lyle-2 or any of us. “But I was always so scared of him.”
Lyle studied her. “You think he would have shot you?”
Louise nodded. “I always wondered why he didn’t.”
Lyle softened a bit. “You don’t know?”
She shook her head. “No.” She looked up at him wonderingly. “Do you?”
He paused, then shook his head. Aunt Louise probably never did know for sure.
Lyle opened the car door. “I’ll see you in February to pick up Lily.”
“No,” said Evelyn.
“Then I’ll see you in court.”
“Lyle, please,” said Louise. “You can be good.”
He kicked the car door shut. “I am good!”
We were quiet.
His eyes bore into each of ours. “It’s all of you. Like Lyle told me. You’ll always hate me. Always try to take everyone who loves me away. Like Katie, and Sarah, and Adam.” He focused on Louise. “And now you.” And then his eyes rested on Evelyn. “I was beginning to think you might be different.”
“We—” Evelyn started.
“No!” Lyle interrupted. “Lily will love me if she doesn’t get corrupted by all of you. Lily and my clone-father are the only two who’ll ever love me.”
He opened the car door again and got in, firing up the engine and fishtailing as he drove away down the icy dirt road. Aunt Louise put her hands over her face. I put my arm around her shoulders, trying to comfort her, my own mind still reeling. Lyle gelded. Not the biological father of Lily. I held Aunt Louise tighter, vainly trying to comprehend what emotions might be crashing through the woman who had just wanted to live quietly and pleasantly in her glass garden, forever protected from the horrors of her family’s past. From the Oedipal horror she still hid from. That Lyle’s only biological daughter was the 95-year-old woman crying in the snow.
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On his eighteenth birthday, Lyle-2 sued to take custody of Lily. A police officer served us the papers. I called Lyle, but he didn’t return my calls. The custody hearing was set for April. We all met him there, but he ignored me when I tried to talk to him before the hearing.
The judge let us each speak. Evelyn testified as to how happy the family was together. I related what Lily-2 had told me about a juvenile Lyle-2 stalking her in the house and making love to her against her wishes. Aunt Louise confirmed my testimony about Lily
-2 and stated that test results would prove that Lyle was not the biological father of Lily. Only three-and-a-half years old, Cain said how much he loved Lily, that she was his best friend.
Then the judge asked Lily-3 if she liked living with us.
She turned shy, glancing repeatedly in the direction of Lyle-2.
“Do you like it at home?” the judge asked again.
Lily nodded.
“Do you know who Lyle is?” he asked
She turned to Lyle. He smiled at her. She nodded.
“Do you know his clone-father was your clone-grandmother’s daddy?”
She nodded again.
“How would you like to live with him?”
She shrugged and sat back down.
The judge studied the paperwork for a few seconds and made his ruling. “Whether or not Lyle-1 was the biological father of Lily, or whether he was the legal father of a child conceived through artificial insemination, doesn’t have any bearing on this case. Lyle was Lily’s only father, and now that his clone is of age, he has first priority.”
“Your honor,” said Evelyn, “you can’t be serious.”
“Custody of Lily Ann Gardener-3 will be transferred to Lyle Reginald Gardener-2 on or before April 24, 2064.”
I saw Lily tug slightly on Evelyn’s sweater. “What does he mean?”
Evelyn’s attention was divided between her fury at the judge and her tenderness with Lily. “It doesn’t mean anything yet, honey. We’ll talk about this at home.”
But Cain understood. He stared at Lyle. “You can’t have her.”
Lyle returned Cain’s stare with an expressionless stare of his own, then looked to see my response.
I was speechless. No, it was far worse than being speechless. I was relieved. But for a long time I never let myself accept that. For so long I tried to convince myself that I was too shocked to speak rather than face the truth that something deep inside me simply wanted Lyle and Lily completely out of my life.
“Next case,” said the judge.
“We’ll appeal,” Evelyn said to me. “This is completely ridiculous, isn’t it?”
I nodded.
“Isn’t it?” she asked me again.
“He’s ignoring nearly all precedent,” our lawyer answered for me.
I felt Evelyn’s eyes still on me. “Adam?”
***
Our files for appeal were denied, and on April 24 we were all in Lily’s bedroom before Lyle was scheduled to pick her up. Evelyn and I were getting her packed. Cain had helped pack for a while, but now he sat on the floor in the way, ignoring us, and occasionally stealing glances at Lily. She stood in the corner of her bedroom, clutching the stuffed doggy Cain had given her, watching as we put the last of her things in boxes.
“How long do I have to go away?” she asked.
“You don’t have to go,” Cain answered, his eyes daring us to contradict him.
Evelyn looked to Cain, and then me. I dropped my gaze to the porcelain unicorn I was wrapping.
“Come here, sweetie,” Evelyn said, but Lily didn’t budge. Evelyn got up and went to her, straightening her dress and then starting to braid her hair, which Lily-3 had always loved. “We don’t know for sure,” Evelyn continued. “It depends on judges and how well Lyle treats you. If he treats you nicely, maybe you’ll like it there and want to stay.”
Lily petted her stuffed animal. “But stay for how long?”
Evelyn kissed her on the forehead and hugged her, then resumed her braiding. But she didn’t answer. I felt both their eyes on me. Eventually I looked up and tried to smile encouragingly at Lily.
“Uncle Adam?”
“Yes, honey?”
“You don’t want me anymore?”
My mind tripped over so many responses, all of them wanting. It left a painful silence in the room that wasn’t broken until Cain hit the floor with both hands.
“If Lily goes, I’m going!”
“We don’t have any choice,” I said.
“Yes you do!” he shouted, jumping up, hitting me with a fist on the leg, and running out of the room.
Evelyn subtly gestured for me to go after him as she continued braiding Lily’s hair and trying to soothe her anxiety. I placed the wrapped unicorn in the box and began walking downstairs, walking slowly as my mind raced to think of what to say. The doorbell rang.
“We’re not done packing,” I said as I opened the door.
“Good morning,” Lyle said.
“I guess.”
“I’ll have someone pick up the rest of her stuff later.”
I saw Cain approach out of the corner of my eye. “She doesn’t want to go with you,” he said.
Lyle frowned at him. “Because you said bad things about me.”
“No,” I said. “It’s because she’s happy here.”
Lyle stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Listen, Elwell. Either let me in to get my daughter, or I’ll call the police and they can oversee your delivery of Lily to me. Is that what you want?”
I stepped aside, and Lyle walked into the house.
“Stay here,” I said. “We’ll bring her down.”
Evelyn had her prepared by the time I got to the room. Lily was sitting on the bed, holding her doggy in her lap. I could see glimpses of the chain from her locket laced between her fingers. Evelyn held her suitcase.
“Are you ready, sweetheart?” Evelyn asked.
Lily sighed and nodded.
I picked up a couple boxes filled with the letters and videos from her c-mother and c-grandmother, including the box in which, many years later, I’d discover the holovideo of my birth. Lily frowned when she recognized the boxes I’d chosen.
“I won’t be back here for my birthday?”
“We don’t know yet,” said Evelyn. “But we thought you might like to have them with you at all times so you know your c-mothers are always there. Okay?”
She nodded, and Evelyn took her hand and led her out the door. I followed as we went down the hall and down the stairs where Lyle and Cain waited. I could see the tears starting to roll down Cain’s cheeks.
Lyle crouched down and stretched his arms out to Lily, smiling. “Hi, Lily! You ready to go see your new home?”
She held Evelyn’s hand tighter and hid her face behind Evelyn’s leg. Lyle frowned.
“Lily,” Lyle said, straining to be calm. “Come with me.”
Cain stepped in between them. “She doesn’t want to.”
“It’s time to go, Lily,” Lyle continued, a little louder.
Cain put his hand out to Lily. “Come on!”
Lily slipped her hand out of Evelyn’s and gripped Cain’s, and Cain began running with her towards the stairs. I darted after them, but not as fast as Lyle. He grabbed Lily around the waist at the foot of the stairs and wrenched her away from Cain, her doggy falling to the floor. My son bit Lyle’s hand, and Lyle backhanded him to the floor.
I grabbed Lyle by the collar, wanting to hit him, but I didn’t know what to do. He was holding Lily in his arms. She had to leave with him.
“Don’t you ever touch my son again,” I said, gripping his collar tighter so that he could feel it but hopefully Lily couldn’t see it.
She didn’t see it. She was staring down, horrified at seeing Cain knocked to the floor. Evelyn was picking Cain up. He would have been biting Lyle’s hand again, but his mom was holding him close as he tried to worm his way out of her arms.
“Keep your damn kid away from me,” Lyle said, trying to get his collar out of my clutch while still holding Lily tight.
Lily’s attention turned from Cain to me, and I let Lyle go. The fear on her face as she looked at Lyle and then looked to me for help. Her eyes and pupils wider than I’d ever seen them, not struggling to get away, but pushing her torso as far as she could from Lyle.
I should have done something then. But all I did was follow Lyle out the door and to the car. As we approached his car, Lily kept glancing back at me and the fro
nt door. I heard Cain screaming from inside the house.
I watched as Lyle opened the back door and placed Lily into the carrier. Her eyes never left me as Lyle adjusted the buckles, closed the door, took the boxes from me and put them in the trunk, got into the driver’s seat, and started the engine. Lily held her locket up to the window as they backed down the driveway. She strained her neck as far as possible to see me as they drove down the street. The car turned, and she was gone.
*
Dinner that night was silent except for Evelyn’s attempts to get a conversation started. After we had eaten, Cain walked up to me as I sat at the dining table.
“I hate you.”
Then he turned and walked away, leaving me with a feeling that will never completely go away.
Evelyn tried to comfort me. “He’ll come to understand better in time.”
But that only made my shame deepen.
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Five years went by before I saw Lily again.
Outwardly they were the most peaceful years of my life. Evelyn was partially right about Cain. The intensity of his hatred the day Lily was taken from us slowly dissipated as the months and years went by, although I always imagined he felt a simmering disappointment in me. We played catch and worked on his homework and played hologames in which he almost invariably beat me. After the first year he only rarely asked about Lily.
Many of my fondest memories were sitting with Cain at Evelyn’s shows. She became a regular at the La Jolla Playhouse and only rarely auditioned for New York. She wanted Cain’s life in La Jolla to be more stable as far as his family and school life was concerned, but she did do a lot of Shakespeare in the Park during the summers.
Cain adored her in a way that he’d never feel for me, but we could share in that adoration during her shows. When she was Cecily in Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest, Cain would always turn to me whenever she made him laugh, and we’d share the laughter together. When she died at the end of Terms of Endearment, he rested his head on my shoulder while brushing away his tears. She never did get to play Ti Moune in Once On This Island as she’d done at the second grade talent show, but she did perform twice in her favorite musical – Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty’s Ragtime. Once as her namesake, vaudeville tart Evelyn Nesbit, and once for her only return to Broadway as Mother. When she sang the song Our Children, I smiled as Cain sat on the edge of his seat watching his mother who always looked out at him during the song, knowing she was singing to both him and Lily.