‘Holy shit your Lordship.’
‘And well you might say holy shit again Schultz. Valentine is claiming that as a result of being socked on the nose by you he now wears a discouraged look which has permanently blighted his usually happy countenance essential to welcoming audiences into the theatre.’
‘And that bow tied son of a creepy bitch I’ll sock him again and obliterate his countenance. He threw a poor little kid out of the Royal retiring room. Here read this letter.’
Schultz taking a sheet of paper out of an envelope stuck in a book at his side table, and handing it across the bed to his Lordship who takes monocle from a waistcoat pocket and pops it in his left eye as he tilts his head towards the bedside lamp to read.
Dear Mr Schultz, sir,
I am nobody but please, I do want to thank you again so much. I apologize for all the nuisance I caused at the theatre.
I shall forever remain so grateful to you for the wonderful evening I spent at your very enjoyable show and for all the trouble you went to on my behalf. My parents and schoolmaster had warned against my going because of the nudity and vulgarity as they called it, and have confiscated my programme you so kindly had the stars autograph for me. I know the newspapers have said some not very nice things against you and depict you differently but you sir as far as I am concerned are a true gentleman and your show was a delight.
I shall sir remain your most obedient and faithful friend.
Hector Bartholomew
‘Ah Schultz what a nice letter. You are sometimes a most surprising contradiction.’
‘Hey your Lordship I fight my battles in this world and I might cheat and chisel occasionally some big fucking operations who themselves cheat and chisel but never am I going to stand around and let some big bully dish out unkindness to any poor little kid. And that’s fucking gospel. By Schultz.’
‘And most commendable Schultz. And I do hope you and Erica the Valkyrie have an agreeably pleasant safari together up the Nile.’
‘The Amazon your Lordship. The Amazon.’
‘O yes. Sorry. Of course, the Amazon.’
‘And up that river is the last fucking place I’m planning to go I can tell you.’
‘Dear me Schultz. She seemed absolutely certain you were joining her and her voluminous equipment to board a ship due in a few days to leave King George the Fifth Dock in North Woolwich on the Thames. And even purports reasons to support her certainty that you will be with her.’
‘Holy shit my life with the way people are going in and out of it could suddenly be like a train station.’
‘You may indeed then sympathize Schultz with my front hall being at this moment used as the main platform. And with my being designated her production manager and having not only to pay the three taxis which were necessary to transport her gear to Mayfair but also being presented with a bill for the shipment of her equipment all the way from Copenhagen to London.’
‘No shit. Jesus. That’s a good sign. Kid’s a real hustler.’
‘Well I have enough matters already severely hustling me Schultz without having to now don a pith helmet to explore anaconda infested jungles.’
‘Hey I only casually mentioned maybe that her Amazon picture had possibilities. Your name never came into it and was only mentioned as maybe taking a fraction of the action.’
‘Well as to my taking a fraction of the action Schultz do let me also inform you that upon that particular past evening she also claims as her fraction of the action that she got raped.’
‘Raped. Hey come on. I don’t believe this. What is this blackmail. All I did was whip her.’
‘O my god Schultz. So it is true. You whipped her. You mean you actually visited bodily harm upon her.’
‘Hey jesus don’t say it like that. Nothing is true. It was normal whipping I was invited by her to do. She was a willing fucking participant. There was fucking well no raping.’
‘And Schultz I suppose you may have wondered how you got knocked out.’
‘Yeah. Who the fuck did that.’
‘A kung fu blow chopped you down from behind. Which Lilly from Lee’s Place around the corner employed trying to save Erica.’
‘Save Erica. Hey this is lies. Deirdre came storming in with a dildo.’
‘Good god Schultz what ever kind of bloody disgraceful event were you involving in.’
‘Hey jesus your Lordship. Involve. Don’t look at me like that. I wasn’t involving with anything. I just took my belt off and gave her a few whacks across her bare ass that’s all.’
‘You mean you slashed her naked buttocks with your leather belt. O my god, Schultz there could be scars used as evidence.’
‘Hey come on. Cut out this word slash. They were just common ordinary everyday fucking red welts for Christ’s sake.’
‘O my god. Welts Schultz are not just common ordinary everyday things. Especially when such word is intoned by leading counsel echoing it from the walls and ceiling in a court of law.’
‘What do you mean, court of law. She was asking even for the lashes to be harder. Come on. I told you. She requested chastisement. I was asked. And I admit I fucking well for a change liked giving it too.’ ‘Lilly claims she was peeking through the door and witnessed you sadistically assaulting Erica who appeared helpless.’
‘Hey look, that fucking pervert horny Skyscraper also asked me to tie her to the bed.’
‘You tied her to the bed Schultz. O my god. It was menacing aggravated assault.’
‘Hey. This is blackmail. I feel sick. My wife’s lawyers are already trying to deny me custody of my children on the grounds of moral turpitude. And this is all that is fucking well needed to crucify me.’ ‘And did you while she was helpless in bondage introduce your organ into her.’
‘Hey I fucked her. She was out of bondage. I undid the stockings. And let her loose.’
‘Undid the stockings. O my god Schultz. First you must have ripped them off her to use as ligatures. This evidence is going to sound appalling when given under cross examination in court. Schultz you are had by the balls. You tied up the lady. Whipped her. And now you admit possessing her sexually. I suggest you have your forty five thousand dollars ready to invest. It’s up the Amazon with you. O dear Schultz you really are you know a most dangerous guest.’
‘Me dangerous. Holy shit your Lordship. You don’t obviously remember that fucking night do you.’
‘Of course Schultz I don’t. One has such nights precisely not to remember them and to be obliviously extremely happy during the time one is having them.’
‘O boy, this news has set my recovery back by two centuries.’ ‘Must rush Schultz. Thanks for the coffee.’
‘And thank you your Lordship, for the sentence of death.’
‘Ah not death Schultz. Indeed I think new life. Tonight I understand our little show opens on Broadway. And I trust that will be a happy event pouring yet more shekels into your secret coffers.’
‘Jesus yeah. Tonight’s the night. Amazing I nearly forgot.’
‘And I nearly forgot Schultz, to tell you. Erica says you have made her pregnant.’
His Lordship smilingly nodding his head as he leaves. His footsteps going down the stairs. Front door closing. Rabbi I’m fated. Just when I’m regaining my physical confidence again with my testicles at last with the stitches out bouncing and swinging free and not dropping off like dried figs, they now go and get me into more catastrophe. And O my god. Pregnancy. No. No. It’s a lie. His Lordship’s joking. It can’t be. Correct that. Holy shit it could be. The only consolation I got left now is the hope I got that with all these new problems all the diseases I could be still getting will run a mile. How could my nervous sperm travel all that way. Like three thousand miles up the Nile. They’d be exhausted. And what I discovered was his Lordship at previous of his little parties liked the household staff to gather round him in the bathroom while he takes a bath. Said it pleasantly reminded him of his childhood when his three nannies attended upon his
ablutions in his grandfather’s castle. And on that fatal night I heard his totally pissed Lordship who is as strong as a fucking ox, fighting like a ferocious tiger, with the whole household mobilizing to at all costs restrain him from going out to gamble and losing a fortune in a casino. And with the help of the hunchbacks Madame Soignee finally locking him in his bedroom. Then, threatening to jump, he broke out onto a rear balcony and was shouting socialist slogans out over the Mayfair back gardens. Imagine, he calls me dangerous. And then as the hunchbacks go in to quieten him, his Lordship is hanging off the balcony by his fingertips and drops fifteen feet down into a bed of roses and escapes. Which he did through the basement of Madame Soignee’s house next door. And out on the early dawn quiet streets of Mayfair he was knocking on doors asking if they had any exotic whores inside, preferably of an Oriental variety with low slung asses, because the Oriental buttock had a distinctly delightful contour of which he was most enamoured. The Japanese Embassy being not that far away, he knocks there. The Vice Consul comes to the door in his pyjamas and nearly had him arrested. So jesus Rabbi here’s the quiet guy who for years I wondered what he did for amusement. And it’s simple. He just hires for a high price what is impossible to get at any price. And I know I keep bringing up the subject but is there anywhere I can go in this world to escape women of the past and to recommence the search looking for a trustworthy faithful woman of the future. Sigmund any second now like his Lordship you could have an unfaithful bunch of them sitting on your front door step, who maybe ain’t going to let you escape. Jesus Rabbi what a little leisure has done to me. Sigmund you should get back fast to having to struggle to make money again.
‘Ah sir, let me take away sir’s breakfast.’
‘O yeah Jorricks thanks.’
‘Shall I draw sir’s bath.’
‘Yeah Jorricks draw it.’
Schultz slowly sliding out of bed. Putting his feet in his skin clinging kid skin slippers. Shuffling slowly to the bathroom. Pulling down sky blue silk pyjamas. Sitting on the toilet. Thumbing through a yachting magazine. O my god, look at this fucking beautiful one hundred and fifty two foot motor yacht. Transoceanic. Sleeps twelve in the owner’s party plus crew. Twin cat engines. Two one hundred and twenty five kilowatt generators. Sophisticated electronics. Seven thousand mile range. To cruise the entire world. Quality, beauty and elegance afloat. Dining saloon seats twelve in luxurious comfort. Bow thruster. Underwater viewing ports. Boat deck for helicopter. Radar. Master suite with adjoining private study. Panelled teak main saloon. Jesus it could be just what the doctor ordered. Fucking anchors aweigh boy. Fucking anchors away. Ding dong go the dildos. Holy christ all kinds of crazy delirious notions are still going through my mind. Still feel weak. Lost weight. Wow in struggling to take a crap I don’t even know if I’m constipated or not. And christ what’s this I’m suddenly hearing. A mewing meow like from a cat out in the back garden. But shit, which is I think coming up at me out of the toilet bowl. Which if it is, and it must be and I can’t believe it, is actually coming out of my rectum. O jesus Rabbi, shitting is the one thing I don’t want to go wrong right now in my life. Sigmund then don’t look for trouble, a yacht will give you more disaster than constipation. O K Rabbi, just let me now go for a little sail and get into my bath without breaking my ass. Which speaking of asses O my god. Maybe the whole fucking idea of pregnancy ain’t so bad. Producing a whole bunch of skyscraping basketball players. The mere thought now of Erica’s non Oriental but nevertheless beautiful mounds. O momma meo. Such cheeks so lofty slung. And my own custom made cat o’ nine tails. Landing lashes on one of the tallest pieces of ass in the world. And feeling like a midget, no shit, it was wonderful. Forget the frisson you get from climbing Mount Everest. That belt smacking and her little marvellous twinge and squeal of pain. Jesus nearly just like the sound that just came mewing out of my ass. Then the sultry smile on her face looking up. Inviting me down. Her voice saying, hey big boy, even made me tremble. But Rabbi, before I fade into the middle of an erotic dream in this nice warm soothing bubble bath, let me tell you. In strict confidence. There is nothing like tangling with a rampantly raunchy lesbian which the Skyscraper turned out to part time be, with her arms and legs wrapped three times around you and growling and sucking everything in sight including swallowing all your toes. Sigmund no wonder you’re complaining of athlete’s foot. But could you blame me Rabbi, throwing all fucking caution to the wind. With the biggest hard on of my life. Followed by the biggest explosive orgasm that could have got even an elephant pregnant. Sigmund don’t worry, you could by my calculations need to get an elephant to carry the big baby you’re going to have.
‘Ah feel better after your bath sir. And some fresh nice flowers. From the Ambassador as usual. I do think carnations in pink, white and red give a lift to the room. And his Lordship left you these sweets.’
‘Gee thanks Jorricks.’
‘And we don’t want to gloom more than we have to, do we sir.’
‘No we don’t Jorricks.’
Schultz sitting up in bed through the afternoon. The pleasant outdoor sound of Belgravia going by till Sachertorte and lapsang souchong at tea time. A bird chirping. Put on choral evensong on the wireless as his Lordship does. Coming from a Catholic church in Wales. Jesus I’m going to go pray again in Farm Street Church. Maybe nothing Rabbi will ever bring Louella back to me. Well Sigmund let me give you some kosher advice, that looking for favours and praying to the opposition won’t do it. Rabbi, no offence, but one thing I don’t need in my life is a Jewish girl. Not tonight anyway with darkness falling. And Daniel bowing every step he takes in his white coat and clean fingernails delivering up supper. Salmon mousse, chicory salad. Wild rice and a pair of lamb chops not gobbled down by poodles. Watch the news on television. Have my wild strawberries and a glass of Chateau d’Yquem. While the world is in paroxysms as usual. What is it that’s so fucking boring about other people’s troubles. Even the Arab Israeli war. Turn off the turmoil. And I’m falling asleep. Going exploring up the Amazon. Hollering from a canoe. For the women for whom I’ve wept. And the women I must have loved. When your brave face comes off. When they don’t love you anymore. His Lordship is hitting piranhas on the head with his polo mallet. The echo of my voice coming back from the jungle forests. Erica’s head sticking out from the top of the trees. An anaconda around her neck. Before I fuck you fuck me big boy she said. Even bad publicity can be the best publicity for getting laid. And Sigmund for maybe getting indigestion of the soul, never mind three different kinds of clap. Hey Rabbi jesus be quiet a second here comes Binky down the Amazon in his own canoe. News spreading everywhere he’s not got a pot to piss in anymore. And is pissing all over his own foot. He’s got a placard up. I am poor but innocent. And now there he goes smilingly waving back as he paddles up shit’s creek. Hysterical phone calls are coming in from natives way out in the jungle. Holy shit the fuckers are my wife’s lawyers trying to put me boiling in a fucking vat to eat me. She let me die when I was dying. Forget, never, never, never. Remember always, always, always. That she was a fantastically beautiful fuck. And a treacherous traitorous bitch. Is this dreaming Rabbi or is this real. Who’s ringing on my private line. Or my god am I awake. When I was asleep. An emergency. Holy shit where’s the light and I can’t even find the phone to pick it up. If it isn’t my parents or my Uncle Werb who said Sigmund, go into diamonds, no girl gets engaged without one, it must then be the guy I had hired in New York to spy on preview performances. But then it couldn’t be, he’s in hospital after he gets mugged in the alley of the theatre when three guys jump him and beat the shit out of him. O jesus. I am. I’m awake again. And here I am bedridden when I should be there on the eve of Broadway opening night. A hit. It’s got to be a hit. At least three thousand miles away gives me the peace of mind of not having to wait with bated breath for the raves of the critics. Jesus am I asleep again. Yes Sigmund. You are in the calm middle of your first good night’s sleep. Hey no I’m not Rabbi. It’s the phone. Ju
st as I’m on the verge of a wet dream. At this god awful hour of four a.m. when I must have been sleeping like a log and ready to orgasm like a geyser in Yellowstone National Park. Hey Sigmund take it easy on the images. Or else all of North America could need an umbrella. Rabbi I’ve been a good son. Please don’t let anything bad happen to my poor hard struggling mother and father. Holy christ I know something awful’s happened. They went for a Sunday ride on the highway and hit something.
‘Hello. Have I got the Schultz residence. A Mr Sigmund Schultz please. This is long distance New York calling. I have a party on the line for Mr Schultz.’
‘Hello. This is Sigmund Schultz. Who is this.’
‘It’s Joe. Joe Jewels kid.’
‘Holy shit Joe. Don’t you know we’re on a different time schedule. Do you know what time it is here in London in the fucking a.m. for Christ’s sake. Why can’t you call me when I’m at my office.’
‘Because you ain’t been there kid because I heard you were home sick in bed. And I’m sorry you’re sick in bed but I got a highly confidential offer to make.’
‘Shit wait five seconds will you till I wake up. OK I’m awake.’
‘That was two seconds.’
‘Joe when I do business with you I don’t waste a whole fucking five seconds to wake up. In case my shoelaces are already gone out of my shoes.’
‘OK kid, I’ll forget I heard that. And in case you don’t know it you’re hurting a genuine friend’s feelings.’
‘Yeah Joe I can hear your tears falling.’
‘Never mind my tears, I got in front of me the opening night critic’s reports. So now you can walk away with eighty five thousand dollars that can be salvaged. But I need yes or no right now.’
‘Yes or no what. I don’t even know what I’m walking away from.