‘Shit if the place is full of guys like you why should I want to join.’
‘Ah but for you to keep ready track of your publicity, all the papers are there. No wives. Just other similar gents taking their peace and solitude. Club servants ever watchful to one’s little needs and comforts. Why we have chaps who take up their vigils eleven in the morning till eleven at night. Chaps sit in the same chair, read the same papers. Grunt the same grunts. Take a pee every two hours. Wash their hands every three. Of course you Schultz couldn’t appear like that bare of ankle in your slippers. Nice comfortable looking slippers by the way. And I say Rebecca. Do we have a blanket Mr Schultz might wear if he prefers to remove his mackintosh.’
‘Yes in fact we have several.’
‘Don’t bother. My raincoat’s fine. OK Binky I ain’t got time to waste, what’s this further shit about this all time biggest musical.’
‘Ah I thought you’d never ask. Do Schultz have another third doughnut. Although you’ve actually had four. But who’s counting. And yes Schultz, you read right. Nice little item I thought wasn’t it. Pretty little girl she was. Smart and sharp, wasn’t she, Rebecca. With the sort of nice well bred bosoms of the sort you would have liked Schultz and of the distinct sort that we favour to cast in our shows. Indeed the lady in question is in fact from a well bred family in Suffolk. Good old county that. O dear but we are, in your Americanly democratic company Schultz, talking much too much about good breeding. In short, the lady journalist was a perky little creature. Suggested I come shooting on her family’s estate. Ah how nice I thought. Bang bang. One does love that cacophony of the shotguns. Nice rhythmn don’t you think Schultz. Bang bang bang.’
‘You’re going to bang bang bang Binky let me tell you. Only meanwhile I got plenty more important to attend to.’
‘Ah but Schultz you haven’t yet heard all. She also invited his Royal Grace, our dear Lord Nectarine, who is arguably the greatest shot in these islands.’
‘Yeah so I heard. So he’s going to go bang bang too.’
‘Yes Schultz, bang bang. But you haven’t heard about the fishing our little lady has as well, on another little stretch of land and river her nice family has on the Spey in Scotland.’
‘Come on, what’s suddenly this big musical. God damn it what the fuck is it you and his Lordship are trying to pull behind my back this time.’
‘Dear me Schultz. Temper. Raised voice. Surely not on such a pleasantly sunny snow thawing day such as this. Do drink your coffee and do try another one of the holes in those nice doughnuts there. Now as to the little slip of the lady reporter’s pen. Making poor little me, sole producer. Ah I knew you’d be mightily aggrieved by that. She of course made such assumption with so many autographed photographs of so many of our international stars on the walls here. But do please remember Schultz before hysterically imploring your lawyers to sue me that I am I believe a not insubstantial owner of the show.’ ‘Nobody is going to steal my fucking credit, Binky.’
‘Credit. Dear boy, I think you better consult certain words in our little contract according to which not only am I accurately termed one of the show’s producers but indeed could sue you for printing my name too small. Not to mention other contributory matters however minor, of your wheedling your way into these little offices of ours, besieging us for investment, using our good will, our mailing lists, making countless long distance telephone calls, reading all our daily newspapers, trade journals, using our secretaries, notepaper, arse paper, electricity, stamps and dare I say it, even our staff luncheon vouchers.’
‘Hey shit let me see the billing clause in that contract. Rebecca is that in it.’
‘Yes Mr Schultz.’
‘Hey someone must have changed the wording. I never signed anything even remotely like that. And if my fucking cheque book didn’t get burned up in my fire I’d give you a god damn cheque right now Binky for every god damn penny you have dreamed up I owe you.’ ‘Ah very kind. Thoughtful, not to even say generous of you. Let’s see. But dream. Nay Schultz. No dream. I do think we even have it written down right here. In the drawer. Indeed here we are. Yes. In the usual nicely distinct colours of black and white. Ten thousand eight hundred and twenty six pounds fourteen shillings. But let us make it a more forgiving rounder figure. Of ten thousand.’
‘Ten thousand. What. Are you kidding.’
‘Sit down Schultz, not only are your pyjamas but your privates are visible.’
‘I never used one fucking fraction of ten thousand or anything like it. I called Tokyo and Peru a couple of times, that’s all.’
‘His Lordship did the figures Schultz. And you know what a stickler he is on fractions of anything. We included of course your shoes. And that’s why I am especially surprised to see you shuffling about in your slippers. And glad you mentioned Tokyo. And indeed even Peru. I think his Lordship may have overlooked those calls entirely. What do you say to a couple of hundred quid being fair to add to our little debt. We can then jump up to an even rounder figure with a nice extra nought on the end of eleven thousand.’
‘You add what the fuck you like. And make it as round as you need to shove it up your ass. I’m paying nothing to nobody. And that’s final. But I’m a director of this company and you just tell me now, what’s all this further fucking bullshit you’re bandying around about this most expensive star studded lavish musical ever.’
‘Ah yes. O dear Schultz you truly are a dilemma. And I’m glad we’ve got to that little matter of our future plans. O dear. Eleven thousand is quite a lot. But ho hum, I suppose in the light of our new production, it’s peanuts. Of course one hesitates to use words like the biggest, the most expensive, the most lavish musical in the history of the British theatre. Far from our original intention. However I believe it is.’
‘You’re cutting me in for a piece.’
‘Is that a demand Schultz or do I perceive a hint of request.’
‘It’s a fucking demand. To know what the fuck goes on here behind my back.’
‘Dear me Schultz the options to invest were snapped up before one had a chance to say cock robin. Cock robin. Notice how quickly one can say that. Mind you I haven’t yet looked, but knowing how Lord Nectarine is most meticulous, you may even find if you refer to our agreements Schultz, that we have no need to include you at all.’ ‘You’re fucking well doing this to spite me Binky aren’t you. Excluding me. Behind my back. You can’t stand it that I’ve got a hit can you and that your name isn’t up top there alone on top of mine in neon lights.’
‘Yes. Quite true Schultz, quite true. I can’t stand it. Positively painful it is. Seeing Sigmund Franz Schultz plastered in large letters everywhere all over London. Even I understand, in the underground tube stations, although I haven’t been down there recently to look for myself. But you see, aside from my personal aggrievement, truth of the matter is, that every option to invest has been seized, and to all practical intents and purposes we are fully capitalized. I may say too that I did tell many of our hopefully intending investors holding options that shares were scarce. Ah but just let me take a little peek here on my desk. Ah yes. The final share to the show has just been taken up by, ah, yes, a Mr Joe Jewels investing out of New York. That last expression, out of New York, put as you might put it Schultz.’
‘I don’t believe one single word of any of this. Why the fuck would Joe Jewels to whom it so happens I was recently speaking in New York, want to invest in a show nobody knows nothing about, except that it’s going to cost and could lose fucking more money than anything else in history.’
‘Ah but we shall be glad to, in just a moment give further and better particulars upon that point. But first there is, as yet, one other tiny little insignificant item to attend to. Our Lordship and I have struck off this little salary you pay out of our little show’s running expenses, and listed under Miscellaneous. A certain Mr Jorricks.’
‘You what. Struck it off.’
‘Yes Schultz, struck it off.’
&
nbsp; ‘What the fuck for.’
‘May I at this little juncture, Schultz, make an observation. You were you know, in your previous flop orientated innocence much more fun to be with. Now it is all greed, profit, and publicity and getting your credit in the billing.’
‘I don’t believe what I’m hearing.’
‘Ah my dear Schultz, but to get back to that mysterious weekly wage debited to the production. Although we have heard it from the most unreliable of sources, it is alleged that your Mr Jorricks, who it appears personally ministrates to you, is in fact a raving out of control homosexualist well known to frequent in some of the seamier haunts of Soho’s night life. And we wonder why he is on our payroll.’
‘You fucking guys. What am I your public punching bag. You’re not going to get away with another one of your schemes to try to create humour for yourselves out of my private god damn life and slander one of the most gorgeous behaved human beings, who wouldn’t even show the disrespect of sneezing in front of his own dead grandmother’s portrait, and is the fucking nearest thing to being a saint. So this is going to be a knockdown fucking battle is it Binky.’
‘Nae dear fellow. Nae. Not unless you make it so. Join us for lunch Schultz, only a few old lobster claws and a spot of simple chablis but of a rather special culinary calibre which Mario has devised. You see, you must not take these matters we attempt to conscientiously administrate in this office, quite so seriously. In the light of your Jorricks not deigning even to sneeze in front of his grandmother’s portrait I retract entirely my previous rumoured aspersion. But naturally we should desire for you to pay up the eleven thousand quid you owe us, in round figures of course.’
‘Jesus, I couldn’t even brush my teeth this morning because all the toothpaste and my toothbrushes got thrown in the fire. And I come in here to listen to all this.’
‘But all money aside my dear Schultz, and as to private and personal matters, how could one ever dare cast, and dear me one is having again to use this word, an aspersion upon your manhood. With so many ladies either running into or out of your clutches all over London. And far be it for me, to cast stones, slung by condom sling shot, as we were fond of doing at school, at other homosexualists. For you see Schultz, I, in the innocence of one’s pre puberty, did partake in the sweet idyllic little blissful dalliances of the homosexualist. Of course I was but a mere mite then, however, as I was accused of being the most beautiful boy in the school I naturally fell in love with the other most beautiful boy. We were positively obsessively devoted to one another. When if we didn’t wank alone then we did with other beautiful boys all wank wank wank together. O yes there were occasional ugly boys too. Very democratic. Who were encouraged to take up a chorus to the tune accompanying us. Which was by the way, the school boating song. Indeed it’s been traditional for the chaps to so sing when they were so pulling Schultz. Ah but let us Schultz get back to your toothpaste and house, the former of which was cremated and the latter nearly conflagrated. Here have one of our toothpicks. Perhaps this is why you seem so duly distressed.’
‘Jesus everything Binky is the same joke to you. You don’t even have one fucking principle do you.’
‘Well if it may be loosely regarded as a principle of course one’s school has given one a certain self sufficiency for which you Americans substitute your brashness.’
‘Oh yeah. Well if you want to really know, Jorricks is my official assistant. And acts as my talent and casting scout.’
‘Ah then that little matter is at last cleared up. We’ll put down production assistant and casting scout. Soon as I clear it with his Royal Grace we shall reinstate this little salary. You know Schultz just to mention something a little more cheerfully different. I couldn’t help noticing from the picture of your house in the paper which we understand you have bought from your landlord that you and I, fellow company directors of the same company have something else in common. Each of us has sixteen windows with five floors above the basement in our respective townhouses. Now is that not one jolly coincidence, don’t you think. Atop my third fourth and fifth floor I have pink window drapes. What colour do you have.’
‘They are all fucking soot stained from the fire.’
‘O dear I was going to suggest it would be nice if we all matched. Set an example. You see Schultz the proletariat world at large does not give any thought to the more dispiriting aspects of the affluent upper class way of life, how in the isolation of our comfortable riches we suffer to feel that the common man is only out to use us if he can. When we ourselves maintain our compassion for others less blessed. I mean damn it. That’s why so many of us spend so much time in the sad isolation of our clubs.’
‘Come on cut the shit Binky. I got to change my clothes. And it so happens I got a big colour supplement interview coming up. Where for a change my two fucking cents of the truth is going to be blasted all over newspaper pages.’
‘Dear me. How nice for you Schultz. Please mention, if not me, at least his Royal Grace.’
‘You bet your ass I will. He’s the only one I trust. And so now what’s this shit of the final share being taken up by Joe Jewels in a fucking myth of a production.’
‘Myth Schultz. Nae. No myth.’
‘Yeah. Well then who wrote the book, who’s doing the lyrics and choreography, who’s starring. Jewels wouldn’t put a penny in something nobody knows nothing about and doesn’t look like a potential hit.’
‘Indeed Schultz there’s quite a lot to know about our new little show. Ah and on our little calendar here. Yes rehearsals start in just two months and fourteen days. And our little agreements for our stars are duly signed. Our director, designer. And our composer and choreographer.’
‘Well who the fuck are they.’
‘Dear me Schultz I think you may be surprised.’
‘Yeah well I got a surprise for you.’
‘I think it’s time for a spot of sherry. Rebecca have Mario attend upon us. It might do to have something to steady our nerves. As dear me, Schultz and I seem both poised on the brink of our surprises. You do please go first Schultz with yours.’
‘You bet I will. In these contracts right there I sold the show in an agreed deal to Jewels in New York for one hundred and fifty five thousand and three full fucking percent of the gross.’
‘You what Schultz.’
‘You heard me. And he was gasping for mercy.’
‘Well you do I must confess surprise me Schultz. Especially as I have a cable here in front of me not more than a few hours old from Goliath and Goliath Productions of New York, offering one hundred and ninety thousand and four full fucking percent of the gross.’
‘What. Let me see that cable.’
‘And well you might say what. You silly little twit Schultz. That dear old cobra Joe Jewels has snapped his fangs upon you and brilliantly taken you to the cleaners.’
‘Holy shit I don’t believe what’s happening.’
‘Well then I think you ought to get ready Schultz to believe my small surprise. Regarding our little extravaganza. Provisionally entitled Ecstasy in Extremis for the Leisure Classes. Little optimistic as a title perhaps. But will attract a general public. And did you know Schultz that our now famed Terence Magillacurdy can actually play the piano with his toes while singing an aria. He’s to be our star. Teamed up with our talented debutante who’s being billed under her new name of
Virgin Virginia. Both thespians at double their present salaries of course. Good god Schultz you’ve gone absolutely puce in the face. Well I better tell you the rest quickly before you turn blue. And faint. Or worse have a heart attack like Al.’
‘I don’t believe this.’
‘The director Schultz is the director you fired. The one whom Magillacurdy threw off the stage into the third row of the stalls. We thought that taught him his lesson. Of course we have retained Kiss It Don’t Hold It It’s Too Hot’s brilliant designer and last but certainly not least, we have just duly signed up that husband and wife composer
and choreographer team Herbie and Sylvia both of whom I believe you anally cohabited with at the Dorchester. O dear you have gone blue Schultz. And do forgive the implications of my language Rebecca, required I fear while Izzy and I are being forthright in giving each other surprises. Ah Mario just in time with the sherry, pour some for our esteemed company director here. He’s breathing rather heavily.’
‘I should be glad to Mr Sunningdale, this fino is dry, fresh and young, with an especially delightful finesse.’
‘Ah, exactly as Mr Schultz prefers his ladies.’
‘Boy let me tell you, I’ll have a sherry. But I’m going straight to my lawyers. You’re out not only to destroy my show but me. You’ve been plotting this behind my back. For months.’
‘Dear me Schultz, don’t be paranoid. I signed up all of these talented people who I thought were about to trip on their faces in your biggest flop ever. And I did so as an act of charity and as a genuine theatre lover to save such thespians from an acute unhappiness which at the time, appeared about to dawn on them.’ ‘You’re never in a million years going to get away with this. Never. That’s gospel by Schultz. And I’m getting the fuck out of here.’
‘Wait wait, there’s more Schultz. Rebecca bring in to Mr Schultz the poster design.’
‘Jesus if I stay around here any longer my life could soon be getting like my parents who had to hold a closing down sale nearly every month. Well let me tell you. I’m not closing down. And boy, so help me god Binky this is one thing you’re not going to get away with. I got binding contracts with Magillacurdy and the debutante.’
‘Of course you have Schultz for six months and which expire in two months and fourteen days.’
‘Right in five seconds after I put on this new pair of pants I just bought and have a piss, I’m calling up first my lawyers and next the biggest estate agents in town and I’m going to move the fuck right out of here.’