‘All right,’ I said at last.
I hoped to God it was.
11
I expected to find Katie with her shirt ripped and her face scratched. Poorhouse brat she might be, Warminster whore she might be, but I did not think she would exceed my sister in the art of dirty fighting. But when I climbed slowly up the stairs to the loft-bedroom they were sitting side by side brushing each other’s hair and giggling together.
‘He put his hand down the inside of my shirt!’ I heard Katie say. Dandy giggled delightedly. ‘I said to him: “I don’t know what you’re looking for down there, Jack!”’
Dandy rocked with laughter at this sally. ‘You never did!’ she said. ‘What did he do then?’
‘He took my hand and put it down his breeches!’ Katie said triumphantly.
‘And?’ Dandy prompted.
Katie’s sharp hungry little face grew avid. ‘He was hot,’ she said. ‘He was hard as a stallion to a mare.’
I was watching Dandy’s face and I saw a shadow of absolute envy pass across it. But she laughed merrily enough.
‘I’m sorry I came in and spoiled sport then!’ she said lightly. ‘Would you have done it with him, if I had not come in?’
‘Oh aye!’ Katie said at once. ‘I was hot for it too!’
She and Dandy fell into each other’s arms and rocked with laughter. Dandy’s eyes met mine across the fair head and her dark eyes were cold as ice.
‘I’m surprised he dares,’ she said. ‘When Merry and I joined the show his da told us plain that there was to be no courting.’
Katie’s smile was world-weary. ‘’Tis hardly courting,’ she said. ‘It’s just a bit of fun. You’d hardly call it courting. We’re neither of us new to it. And neither of us would speak of love. Mr Gower told me I was to mind my ways in the village. He didn’t say nothing about at home.’
‘But you don’t care for Jack?’ Dandy asked sharply.
Katie laughed lazily, put her hands to her head to pin up her tumbling blonde hair. ‘I cared enough a minute ago,’ she said lazily. ‘I’d have cared to do it with him then. But I don’t mind now. If I get needful I can sneak down to the Bush in the village. There’s a couple of lads down there I know well. They’ll meet me behind a hedge somewhere so Mr Gower don’t know. They’ll give me a penny as well.’
Dandy’s smile was as warm as ice on a bucket. ‘Would you refuse him then?’ she asked. ‘I’ve had my eye on him since last summer. His da said “no” and he hasn’t dared. But I’ve had my eye on him for my very own. Would you refuse him if he comes to you again? To oblige me, Katie?’
Katie threw back her lovely head and laughed aloud. ‘Nay!’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t have the heart! And I had my hand down inside his breeches, Dandy, and he felt real fine to me. I couldn’t find it in me to say “no”.’
‘I’d pay,’ Dandy said patiently. ‘I’d pay you more money than you’d ever think to earn in all your life.’
Katie sneered. ‘Got your pennies saved up have you, Dandy? Saved your pennies from your horseback riding?’
‘I’d pay you a guinea,’ Dandy said. She heard my gasp and she avoided my eyes. ‘I’d pay you a guinea if you promise not to have him. I’d pay you a guinea and I’ll give it to you at Whitsun.’
‘Where’d you get a guinea from?’ Katie said, impressed despite herself.
‘We’ve got it already,’ Dandy said proudly. ‘You know Merry’s got her own horse. We’re doing better than you think. We’ve got ten guineas between the two of us, and some shillings for spending money. You’re straight out of the poorhouse, you don’t understand what it’s like for us with our own act. You’ve never seen Merry work the horses. She can earn a lot of money. We’re only staying with Robert Gower this year. Next year we could go anywhere. Anyway, I’ve got a guinea all right. And it’s yours if you keep your hands off Jack.’
‘Dandy,’ I said in an urgent undertone.
But it was too late. The poorhouse whore spat into her dirty palm and Dandy shook quickly, before she could change her mind. Dandy got up and went to the mirror and pulled at the string bow which was tying her hair. ‘I’ll know if you cheat, mind,’ she said to her reflection.
Katie slumped back on her pallet. ‘I won’t cheat,’ she said disdainfully. ‘You can keep your Jack. I have lovers I don’t have to buy. I wish you good luck with him.’
Dandy turned away from the mirror. I thought she would be angry at the gibe but her face was serene. ‘I have to get around his father yet,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘Buying you off is just the start of it.’
She pulled her gown out of the clothes chest and slipped it on over her shift. She brushed out her hair and pinned it on top of her head. There was a very faint tide mark of grime at her bare neck and she rubbed at it with a damp forefinger and then put a clean white collar atop.
I sat on my bed and said nothing. Katie got to her feet and pulled on her poorhouse skirt as a replacement for her working breeches. She looked from Dandy to me and then went down the stairs to the stables below in silence.
‘One guinea,’ I said grimly.
Dandy turned from the mirror and put out her hands to me. ‘Don’t look like that, Merry,’ she said. ‘If I pull Jack and marry him then we won’t need your little ten guineas, we’ll have this house and the whole show.’
‘If you so much as try then my little ten guineas is all we’ll have,’ I said miserably. ‘Robert warned you, Dandy, and he warned Jack in front of us, and neither of you said so much as a whisper. He’ll put us out, both of us. And then where will we be? All we’ll have is a sixteen-hand hunter trained to nothing, you a trapeze artist without a trapeze, and me a rosinback rider without a horse.’
Dandy went to hold me but I put my hands up to fend her off. I was still too sore all over, and anyway I did not want her caresses.
‘He’ll never marry you, Dandy,’ I said certainly. ‘If you’re lucky he’ll have you and then forget all about it.’
Dandy smiled at me, a long slow powerful smile. Then she dived under the straw mattress of her bed and brought out a little linen bag.
‘Robert sent me to the wise woman,’ she said. ‘I lied and told him it was double the price. She told me how to get rid of a baby if I should have one. She told me when it was safe to go with a man so I should not get with child; and…’ Dandy opened the drawstring at the neck of the bag and showed me the few dusty leaves inside, ‘she sold me this!’
‘What is it?’ I asked. I sat down on my bed. I was feeling deeply weary. Tired because of my bruising and aches, but sick inside at the way that some danger and trouble seemed to be growing greater every moment without me being able to stay it or turn Dandy from her course.
‘It’s a love potion,’ she said triumphantly. ‘She knew I was Rom and I would know how to use it. I shall hex him, Merry, and I shall bring him to me. I shall have him begging for me. And then he’ll persuade his da to let us be wed.’
I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes. Night had fallen outside and the room was lit only by the firelight.
‘You’re mad,’ I said wearily. ‘Robert Gower would never have you wed Jack.’
‘That’s where you’re wrong!’ Dandy said triumphantly. ‘Everyone has noticed how he is about you. Mrs Greaves, David, even Jack himself. Jack said that he was as worried about your fall as if you had been his own daughter. He’s softer with you than he is with any of us, even Jack. You’re the key to Robert Gower, Merry! He wants you to work for him for always. He wants you to train his horses for him. He sees now that you’re as good as he is, he’ll soon see that the way to keep you with his show is to marry one of us into it. He knows you’d never marry so that only leaves me. Me and Jack!’ she concluded.
I closed my eyes and tried to think. It was possible. Robert Gower could not have taken more care of me if I had been his own child. The surgeon’s fees alone would run into pounds. It was true that I trained horses better than anyone I had ever seen. I had w
on him a fortune that day in Salisbury. There were other shows looking for horses and trainers. I had only Sea, but he could be made into a wonderful act if I wished. Dandy was only an apprentice, but there could not be a prettier girl flyer in the world. She was certainly the only girl flyer in the country.
But…I stopped and opened my eyes. Dandy had tucked away her little bag of herbs inside her shift and was tying her pinny around her waist. ‘You’d never persuade Robert,’ I said. ‘Not in a hundred years, not on your own. The only person who could turn him around would be Jack. And you will never get Jack to stand up to his da.’
Dandy’s face was as clear as a May morning. ‘I will,’ she said confidently. ‘When he’s my lover he’ll do anything for me.’
If I had been stronger I should have argued more. Even then, as I closed my eyes against the dizzy hazy pain of headaches and old bruises, I knew that I should sit up and make Dandy see sense. That she needed my protection more than she had ever done in her life. But I failed her. I leaned back against the wall and rested until she had pinned her cap and was ready for us to go to dinner. Even then, as the three of us walked over to the house, I should have told Katie that the promised guinea was mine and not Dandy’s, and that I should not pay it. She could have Jack with my blessing.
But I was tired and ill and, I suppose, lazy. I had not the strength to go against Dandy’s overpowering conviction. I did not even have the wit to keep my eyes open to see if she palmed the herbs and got them into his cup of tea at dinner. I just let her go her own way, even though there was something in the back of my mind which told me that I had let the dearest person in the world slip through my fingers and had not put out a hand to save her.
My sense of miserable foreboding stayed with me so long that Robert spoke of sending for the surgeon again.
‘You’ve lost your smiles, Merry,’ he said. We were in the stable yard and I was ready to start working Sea. I had decided to treat him as if he were unbroken – train him to a lunge rein, and take him slowly through all the stages of a young horse as if he had never been ridden before. His head nodded to me over the loose-box and I was anxious to begin, but Robert touched my arm.
‘I’d send for the surgeon,’ he offered. ‘He’ll not be working from Christmas Eve tomorrow till Twelfth Night, but if you feel ill, Merry, he’ll come out for me.’
I paused and looked at Robert. His face was kindly, his eyes warm with concern.
‘Robert,’ I said directly. ‘Would you let me be a partner in your business? The ten guineas I have – would you let me buy more horses with them and we could work them jointly? Would you let Dandy and me be joint owners with you?’
Robert stared at me blankly for a moment, as if he could not think what the words meant. Then I watched the coldness spread across his face. It started at his eyes which lost their affectionate twinkle and became as hard and stony as a man driving a bad bargain. The smile died away from his lips and his mouth set hard in a thin line. Even the lines of his profile became sharper, and under the joyful, laughing showman I saw the bones and sinews of the ruined carter who staked his livelihood on his little boy dancing on the back of one horse, and drove away from the woman who had tried to trap him with her love.
‘No,’ he said, and his voice was icy. ‘No, Meridon. This is my show, my own show, and God knows I have worked hard enough for it and long enough for it. There will never be a share in it for anyone but Jack. It will never go out of my family. It is all the kin I now acknowledge. I’ll pay you a better wage, if you’re discontent. I’ll pay Dandy tuppence a show whenever she works. But I’ll not share it.’
For a moment his face was almost pleading, as if he were asking me to understand an obsession. He looked down at me. ‘I’ve come so far to make it my own,’ he said. ‘I’ve done things I’ll have to answer for to my Maker…’ He broke off and I wondered if he could hear in his head the voice of the woman calling him from behind the swaying wagon. ‘I can’t share, Merry,’ he said finally. ‘It isn’t in my nature.’
I waited, then put out a placatory hand to him. ‘Don’t be angry,’ I cautioned. ‘I want to ask you a question but don’t rip up at me.’
His face grew even more closed. ‘What?’ he said.
I had a moment’s intense impatience that I should have to stand in a stable yard and ask a man not to be angry with me for a question which I had not even yet voiced. Dandy’s intense female need had brought me to the slavish role of trying to prepare a man for a request which I myself thought was unreasonable. Something of this must have shown in my face, for Robert suddenly grinned:
‘Not like you to tread cautiously, Merry,’ he said. ‘Are you learning pretty pleasing girlish ways from your sister and the Warminster whore?’
I gritted my teeth and then, unwillingly, laughed. ‘No,’ I said. ‘But it’s a question you might dislike.’
‘Get on with it then,’ he said, weary of this fencing.
‘I want a share in the show,’ I said. ‘If you couldn’t abide strangers coming in, how would it be if Dandy and Jack were to make a match of it? I know you looked higher for him, but he and Dandy working together make a good team. They could make their fortunes. Marriage is the only way you’ll keep Dandy. And where she goes, I go.’
Robert looked at me and I could see the pinched impoverished man looking out of his eyes.
‘No,’ he said blankly. ‘No woman is irreplaceable. If Dandy gets a better offer she can go. You can go with her. There are times when I love you like a daughter, Merry, but I have loved and left a daughter before now, and never regretted it. If you can’t work for me on wages then you’d best leave.’ He nodded at the stable, at the barn beyond where Dandy and Jack were practising the only touring trapeze act in England. ‘I’d change my plans for the season, I’d throw away all my hopes rather than see Dandy wed Jack,’ he said. ‘You’re a pair of draggle-tailed gypsies and she’s as hot as a bitch in heat. I look a good deal higher for my son, I’d see you both dead at my feet rather than have him wed either of you and bring your tainted gypsy blood into my family and into my show.’
I took a deep breath of the cold winter air and I dropped him a curtsey, as low and as slavish as Zima’s broad-arsed bobs.
‘Thank you, sir,’ I said, as if he had tipped me a farthing. ‘I quite understand now.’
I turned from him and walked towards my horse, Sea. I slid the bridle on his head and opened the door to let him out in a daze of anger and hatred. I walked past Robert – Robert who had been so kind to me and had held me when the surgeon pulled at my arm – I walked past him and I hardly saw him. There was a hot red haze around my eyes and I think if I had spat on his boots as I passed it would have come out as blood. My pulse was thundering in my head and my hand on Sea’s lunging reins gripped by instinct, not care. In the back of my mind I knew it was Dandy’s folly that had led me into this idiot’s babble of marriage and sharing. But I knew also that the warm summer days in the wagon and the hard wintry work at Warminster had led me to see Robert’s interests and ours as running in harness. Dandy’s foolish lust for Jack had blinded me as well as her. She had convinced me she could have him. She had nearly convinced me she could keep him. I had needed Robert’s coldness to sober me.
He had looked in my face and had spoken to me as a man of substance speaks to a servant girl. Worse. He had spoken to me as a freeholder and a citizen speaks to a dirty travelling slut. All the work I had done for him and the knocks I had taken for him had not served to alter the fact that he had bought me from Da as a job lot in with a pony and a girl they both knew was a slut. I walked away from him, and I walked away from the tiny growing hope I had felt that there might be bridges which I could build from the world of the people who belonged, who slept soft and kept clean, and mine. There were no bridges. There was an absolute division.
As I led Sea down to the paddock I longed for Wide with as much passion as if I were still in my lice-ridden bunk listening to Da humping Zima. I had not
belonged there. I did not belong here. I felt as if I would belong nowhere until I could own my own land and command servants of my own. There was no middling course for me, there was no staging place. It seemed I was condemned to the very ditch of society unless I could somehow scramble my way, all alone, to the top. I had to get to the top. I had to get where I belonged. I had to go to Wide.
I stepped back from the horse and clicked to him to get going. He was new to the work or else he had forgotten the skill. I worked with him all morning though my hands were stiff and my cheeks were icy. It was only when I went into the kitchen for my breakfast that I found they had become red and chapped because I had been crying into the cold east wind for all of the time.
We hardly noticed the Christmas season. Robert was distant and cold to us all since that time in the yard. He spun a silver coin down the table to Jack at breakfast on Christmas morning and he gave Dandy and Katie and me a thrupenny piece each. Mrs Greaves had a bolt of material, William a penny, David a rather good pair of second-hand gloves.
That was it. We all went back to work, and Christmas was just another day of training horses for me and working on the trapeze for the rest of them.
The new ponies bought at Salisbury were going well with the others and Robert had taught me the moves with the stick in one hand and the whip in the other and the words to call at them. We had a pretty little act with them coming into the ring and splitting into two teams, crossing from one side to another, passing while they circled (I always lost the smallest one who would tag on to the wrong team), pirouetting on the spot, and finally taking a bow while I stood in the middle of them smiling at where the audience would be, with my back to them as if I could trust them on their own – which I absolutely could not.
I worked them every morning before breakfast, while Robert watched the trapeze practice or worked at his accounts inside the house. After we had eaten we took Bluebell and the new horse, Morris, into the field and I practised vaulting on them, and standing. Bluebell was steady as a rock, she had learned the job with Jack all those years ago and I was probably a welcome relief – a good deal lighter even if I did tend to overshoot and go flying off the far side.