SAFE
The fine art of concealment is thus formulated by Carolyn Wells, writingin _Life_:
Once upon a time there lived an elderly millionaire who had fournephews. Desiring to make one of these his heir, he tested theircleverness.
He gave to each a one-hundred-dollar bill, with the request that theyhide the bills for a year in the city of New York.
Any of them who should succeed in finding the hidden bill at the end ofthe year should share in the inheritance.
The year being over, the four nephews brought their reports.
The first, deeply chagrined, told how he had put his bill in thestrongest and surest safety deposit vaults, but, alas, clever thieveshad broken in and stolen it.
The second had put his bill in charge of a tried and true friend. Butthe friend had proved untrustworthy and had spent the money.
The third had hidden his bill in a crevice in the floor of his room, buta mouse had nibbled it to bits to build her nest.
The fourth nephew calmly produced his hundred-dollar bill, as crisp andfresh as when it had been given him.
"And where did you hide it?" asked his uncle.
"Too easy! I stuck it in a hotel Bible."
COMPLIMENTS OF THE DAY
Soldiers have to do their own mending when it is done at all, and itappears--although few persons would have guessed it--that the thoughtfulWar Office supplies them with outfits for that purpose. Otherwise, thisjoke would be impossible.
Everything was ready for kit inspection; the recruits stood lined upready for the officer, and the officer had his bad temper all complete.He marched up and down the line, grimly eyeing each man's bundle ofneedles and soft soap, and then he singled out Private MacTootle as theman who was to receive his attentions.
"Toothbrush?" he roared.
"Yes, sir."
"Razor?"
"Yes, sir."
"Hold-all?"
"Yes, sir."
"Hm! You're all right, apparently," growled the officer. Then he barked:
"Housewife?"
"Oh, very well, thank you," said the recruit amiably. "How's yours?"
MANNA
There is a story of Bransby Williams, famous impersonator of Dickens'scharacters, which will come home to many of us in these days of foodshortage.
He had a hard time before he "arrived," and hunger was a familiarcompanion. One night he had to play in a sketch in which he was supposedto consume a steak pudding.
"Imagine my surprise," he says, "when a real, good, smoking hot steakand kidney pudding arrived on the scene. 'My eye!' I exclaimed tomyself. I had to cut it and serve it, and in the ordinary course ofevents we should have got through this stage meal in about five or sixminutes.
"But not to-night! I made up my mind that that pudding should not bewasted, but eaten, and I commenced in earnest. I made the best meal Ihad had for days, and improvised conversation till it was all polishedoff!"
SHE KNEW HIM
Mr. Budger and his wife were continually at variance regarding theirindividual capabilities of making and keeping a good fire. He contendedthat she did not know how to make a fire, nor how to keep one after itwas made. She, on the other hand, maintained that he never meddled withthe fire that he didn't put it out--in short, that he was a perfect firedamper; and, as he was always anxious to stir up things in the varousfireplaces, she made a practice of hiding the poker just before it wastime for him to come into the house. One night there was an alarm offire in the village and Budger flew for his hat and coat.
"Where are you going, my dear?" asked his wife.
"Why, there's a fire, and I'm going to help put it out."
"Well, my love," responded Mrs. Budger, "I think the best thing you cando is to take the poker along with you."
A GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEME
Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenchesfor the first time, and their captain promised them five shillings eachfor every German they killed.
Pat lay down to rest, while Mick performed the duty of watching. Pathad not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting:
"They're comin'! They're comin'!"
"Who's comin'?" shouts Pat.
"The Germans," replies Mick.
"How many are there?"
"About fifty thousand."
"Begorra," shouts Pat, jumping up and grabbing his rifle, "our fortune'smade!"
A FLATTERING EXPLANATION
A sturdy Scot, 6 feet 5 inches in height, is a gamekeeper nearStrafford. One hot day last summer he was accompanying a bumptioussportsman, of very small stature, when he was greatly troubled by gnats.The other said to him:
"My good man, why is it that the gnats do not trouble me?"
"I daresay," replied the gamekeeper, with a comprehensive glance at theother's small proportions, "it will be because they havna' seen ye yet!"
DIDN'T SUIT HIM
Tim Casey, a juror, rose suddenly from his seat and hastened to the doorof the courtroom. He was prevented, however, from leaving the room, andwas sternly questioned by the judge.
"Yes, your honor, I'll explain meself," said the juror. "When Mr. Finnfinished his talking me mind was clear all through, but whin Mr. Evansbegins his talkin' I becomes all confused an' says I to meself, Taith,I'd better lave at once, an' shtay away until he is done,' because, yourhonor, to tell the truth, I didn't like the way the argument was going."
ON HER NERVES
The local pawnbroker's shop was on fire, and among the crowd ofspectators was an old woman who attracted much attention by her sobs andcries of despair.
"What is the matter with you?" a fireman said. "You don't own the shop,do you?"
"No," she wailed, "but my old man's suit is pawned there, and he don'tknow it."
CASH
We cannot deny that one of the great questions of the day amongtradespeople is how to get their bills paid. Neither can we deny that wehave all been over-extravagant. This little story (which is really asatire) contains its moral.
One bright morning Mr. Dobson, an American gentleman in excellentcircumstances, and yet (quite singular to relate of any Americangentleman!) constantly harried by his bills, conceived of a brilliantidea. Thereupon he said to Mrs. Dobson:
"My dear, let us pay cash for one day."
"How absurd!"
"It may seem so, but you must admit that it is a brand-new idea, andtherefore worth while for you, as a modern woman, to try."
This was the only possible way in which the astute Mr. Dobson could havepersuaded his wife to try his ideas. They both agreed, and he gave her ahundred dollars in bright, new bills. Taking the same amount himself, hebegan his day.
It would be easily possible for us to make a story out of this byrecording the incidents of that day. But they would be too painful formodern readers, who insist upon being amused. Sufficient is it toobserve that at night the Dobsons met each other face to face.
"I have been grossly insulted by four people," said Mrs. Dobson, wholooked very much the worse for wear. "By a saleswoman in a departmentstore, my milliner, my shoemaker, and my glovemaker. I offered them allcash, and it will take years to reinstate myself with them again."
"I got in wrong with my haberdasher and my hatter," said Dobson, "andthen quit for the day. I didn't have the courage to attempt to buyanything more. Your people, by the way, sent collectors to collect lastmonth's bills. Also, I calculated this afternoon that if we should paycash for everything, it would cost me twice my income."
"How much does it cost now?"
"I don't know--that's the strange part of it. But, my dear, isn't itworthwhile to learn something, even by making such a mistake?"
At this point Mrs. Dobson, who had been softly shedding tears, braced upand impulsively put her arms about her erring husband's neck.
"Never mind, dear," she said, "we must face this together. We areprobably ruined, but we are both comparatively young, and we will liveit down side by side."
TOO MUCH
/>
In these days of the conservation of fuel no wonder a certain gentlemanwas disturbed.
"You've made a mistake in your paper," said this indignant man, enteringthe editorial sanctum of a daily paper. "I was one of the competitorsat that athletic match yesterday, and you have called me 'the well-knownlight-weight champion.'"
"Well, aren't you?" inquired the editor.
"No, I'm nothing of the kind, and it's confoundedly awkward, because I'min the coal business."
MISTAKEN IDENTITY?
A kindergarten teacher entering a street-car saw a gentleman whose faceseemed familiar, and she said, "Good evening!"
He seemed somewhat surprised, and she soon realized that she had spokento a stranger. Much confused, she explained: "When I first saw you Ithought you were the father of two of my children."
THIS HAPPENED IN CHICAGO
Some time after the Civil War James Russell Lowell was asked to go toChicago to deliver a political speech upholding the Republican Party. Itwas a great occasion, for Russell was easily the foremost literary andpolitical figure of the day, and his coming was widely advertised. Butat the last moment, just before the address was to be delivered, forcertain political reasons it was deemed inexpedient by the managers ofthe affair to have Russell talk politics, and so a hurried announcementwas made that Mr. Russell, instead of speaking on the issues of the day,would deliver his celebrated lecture on Shakespeare. This he did, ithaving been correctly described by critics as the best lecture on thegreat poet ever delivered.
After the lecture was over, however, one of the Chicago politicians, whodoubtless had never heard of Shakespeare, was in his disappointment ledto exclaim:
"Hum! I suppose he thought anything was good enough for us!"
HAD HEARD HIM BEFORE
The critical instinct grows by what it is fed upon. No matter how wellyou may do, some people are never satisfied and this is especially truein families.
A Philadelphia divine was entertaining a couple of clergymen from NewYork at dinner. The guests spoke in praise of a sermon their host haddelivered the Sunday before. The host's son was at the table, and one ofthe New York clergymen said to him: "My lad, what did you think of yourfather's sermon?"
"I guess it was very good," said the boy, "but there were three mightyfine places where he could have stopped."
HER DOMESTIC INSTINCTS
We must not always look down upon those innocent people who may not havehad the same cultural influences we have had, although it is somedifficult not to smile at their point of view:
Sir Frederick Kenyon, the Director of the British Museum and a man ofgreat knowledge, has had all sorts of funny experiences with visitorsthere.
Once he was showing a distinguished lady visitor some of the pricelesstreasures of which he is the custodian, but for a long time nothingseemed to interest her very much.
Then suddenly he noticed a change. Her face lighted up and she leanedforward.
"What is it, madam?" asked Sir Frederick, gratified at this tardy signof awakening appreciation. "Pray do not hesitate to ask if there isanything you would like to know."
"So good of you!" chirruped the lady. "I wish you would tell me whatbrand of blacklead you use on those iron ventilators that are let intothe floor. We have the same sort of things at my house, but my maidsnever get them to shine half so brilliantly."
LAST RESORT
Anybody who, a stranger, has tried to find his way about Boston willunderstand the experience of Mr. Hubb, a native who was addressed by hisfriend Mr. Penn, from Philadelphia.
"They say," remarked Mr. Penn, "the streets in Boston are frightfullycrooked."
"They are," replied Mr. Hubb. "Why, do you know, when I first went thereI could hardly find my way around."
"That must be embarrassing."
"It is. The first week I was there I wanted to get rid of an old cat wehad, and my wife got me to take it to the river a mile away."
"And you lost the cat all right?"
"Lost nothing! I never would have found my way home if I hadn't followedthe cat!"
LOOKED THAT WAY
Doris was radiant over a recent addition to the family, and rushed outof the house to tell the news to a passing neighbor.
"Oh, you don't know what we've got upstairs."
"What is it?" the neighbor asked.
"A new baby brother," said Doris, and she watched very closely theeffect of her announcement.
"You don't say so," the neighbor exclaimed. "Is he going to stay?"
"I think so," said Doris. "He's got his things off."
COMRADES
In a trench over in Flanders, during a slight lull in the engagement, asoldier was making an impromptu toilet. He lowered his head for aninstant and thereby caught a cootie. As he did so, a shell fragment flewby, just where his head had been. He held the cootie in handmeditatively for a moment, and then said:
"Old fellow, Oi cawnt give you the Victoria Cross, but I can put youback!"
COMPARISON
One of the ladies who first introduced interpretative dancing--whateverthat is--into this country has fleshened up considerably since the daysof her initial terpsichorean triumphs among the society folk along theeastern sea-board. Nevertheless, she continues to give performances toselect audiences of artistic souls.
Not long ago Finley Peter Dunne, the humorist, was lured to one of theseentertainments. The lady, wearing very few clothes, and, as a result oftheir lack, looking even plumper than usual, danced in an effect ofmoonlight calcium beams.
As Dunne was leaving, one of the patronesses hailed him.
"Oh, Mr. Dunne," she twittered, "how did you enjoy the madame'sdancing?"
"Immensely," said Dunne. "Made me think of Grant's Tomb in love."
"NEXT!"
The wonders of modern science never cease to be of absorbing interestand even the following story, which is supposed to take place in thenear future, may be more realistic than we now think possible, althoughit is rather hard on our good friends the doctors.
"Be seated, sir," said the distinguished practitioner.
The man who had entered the doctor's office a few moments before inobedience to the invitation sank into a luxurious chair. The doctorlooked at him casually, and, touching an indicator at the side of hisdesk, said:
"What a pleasant day."
"Yes, it is."
A nurse appeared at the door.
"Turn on number nine hundred and eleven," said the doctor.
"Very well, sir."
The doctor turned to the patient.
"I heard a most amusing story the other day," he said.
"But--"
"Just a moment. I am quite sure you will be interested in hearing it,"He told the story.
The patient stirred impatiently in the chair, although the story wasamusing and he laughed at it.
"By the way," he began, looking at his watch.
The doctor got up. He turned off the switch at his desk.
"It is all right, sir. You may go now."
"But I came in to see you about--"
"Yes, the operation has been performed. I should be a little bit carefulfor a few days if I were you. Don't play golf or walk excessively."
"You mean to say that--"
"Your appendix has been removed in accordance with your symptoms."
The patient smiled incredulously.
"When did you do it?" he asked.
"While you were sitting there. Perfectly simple. It was absorbed."
"How did you know what was the matter with me?"
"That chair sends a record of your symptoms--in fact, diagnoses yourcase completely--to the laboratory. All you needed was to have yourappendix removed, and by turning on number nine hundred and eleven itwas absorbed in three minutes. Nothing strange, sir. Quite usual, Iassure you."
The man got up. His face grew rather pale. He advanced to the desk.
"How much do I owe you?" he asked.
The doctor smiled again.
>
"That has all been arranged, sir."
"What do you mean?"
"According to the new State law which has just gone into effect, whileyou were being operated on your property was transferred to me. Goodmorning, sir. Call again."
MR. SUNSHINE AND MR. GLOOM
Changing others over to suit yourself is not always the easiest thing inthe world, although it is often tried. The head of a large firm thoughthe would try it, and his experience is related by one of the "boys" inthe office:
The old man--for we always referred to the head of the firm in thisway--called the young fellow in to him one day and said:
"Look here, young man; you've got to be more agreeable. I want everybodyin this place to have a smiling face. If I didn't think you had abilityI would have fired you long ago. Your manners are bad. Make 'em better.Don't be a grouch."
The young chap didn't seem to take kindly to this advice. The frown onhis face was still there. But he bowed and said:
"All right, sir."
Then the old man--for it was his busy morning--called another youngfellow in and said:
"Look here, young man; I don't want you to be so genial. You're alwaystelling funny stories around the place and waiting on the girls. Yoursunny smile is all right, but you carry it too far. Why, when you comearound everybody stops work. Get down to business."
"That reminds me, sir," said the young chap--but his employer waved himoff.
"Do as I tell you," he said sternly, "or--"
At the end of another week the old man called them both into his office.
"Neither of you seems to be improving in the way I want. But I have anidea. I'm going to put your desks next to each other. That ought to doit. You're both good men, but you lean too far in the oppositedirections. Run away now and act on each other."
At the end of still another week, however, when once more they bothstood in front of him, he betrayed his disappointment.
"It doesn't seem to work," he exclaimed. "What's the matter with youboys, anyway? I thought my experiment would cure both of you, but itdoesn't seem to work."
Turning to Mr. Sunshine, he said:
"Look here; why hasn't he done you any good?"
Mr. Sunshine beamed and chuckled.
"Well, sir," he said, "I can't help it. Why, that fellow over therehasn't got a thing in the world to worry him. He isn't married, hissalary is really more than he needs. He has no responsibilities, and ifhe should die to-morrow nobody would suffer. But he hasn't got senseenough to have a good time. He strikes me as being such a joke that itmakes me laugh harder than ever."
Turning to Mr. Gloom, the old man said:
"Well, how about you? Why hasn't this chap done you any good?"
Mr. Gloom looked more sour than ever.
"He hasn't the slightest idea of the problems that confront me," hesaid, "or what I suffer. But what really makes me mad is this: He has awife and four young children on his hands, on the same salary I get. Howthey manage I don't know. It isn't living at all. And when I see afellow like that, who ought to be worried to death all the time--and whowould be if he looked the facts squarely in the face--grinning andtelling stories like a minstrel, it makes me so d----d mad that I can'tsee straight."
HER OWN
There are certain family privileges which we all guard jealously:
An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing action againsther husband for a divorce. She related a harrowing tale of theill-treatment she had received at his hands. So impressive was herrecital that the lawyer, for a moment, was startled out of his usualprofessional composure. "From what you say this man must be a brute ofthe worst type!" he exclaimed.
The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, announced:"Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to get advice as to adivorce, not to hear my husband abused!"
MARK TWAIN ON MILLIONAIRES
At one time in his varied career Mark Twain was not only poor, but hedid not make a practice of associating with millionaires. The paragraphwhich follows is taken from an open letter to Commodore Vanderbilt. Oneparagraph of the "Open Letter" is worth embalming here:
Poor Vanderbilt! How I pity you: and this is honest. You are an old man,and ought to have some rest, and yet you have to struggle, and denyyourself, and rob yourself of restful sleep and peace of mind, becauseyou need money so badly. I always feel for a man who is so povertyridden as you. Don't misunderstand me, Vanderbilt. I know you ownseventy millions: but then you know and I know that it isn't what manhas that constitutes wealth. No--it is to be satisfied with what onehas; that is wealth. As long as one sorely needs a certain additionalamount, that man isn't rich. Seventy times seventy millions can't makehim rich, as long as his poor heart is breaking for more. I am justabout rich enough to buy the least valuable horse in your stable,perhaps, but I cannot sincerely and honestly take an oath that I needany more now. And so I am rich. But you, you have got seventy millionsand you need five hundred millions, and are really suffering for it.Your poverty is something appalling. I tell you truly that I do notbelieve I could live twenty-four hours with the awful weight of fourhundred and thirty millions of abject want crushing down upon me. Ishould die under it. My soul is so wrought upon by your helplesspauperism that if you came to me now, I would freely put ten cents inyour tin cup, if you carry one, and say, "God pity you, poorunfortunate."
A MOVING TALE
Many a young man has succumbed to his environment. The hero of thefollowing moving tale is no exception:
She was waiting for him at the station. It was two o'clock in theafternoon, and he had to go back that evening on the midnight train. Heacted like a man in a dream, but, none the less, he appeared to knowprecisely what he was about.
As the train drew up the station was crowded. There she was in themidst of the crowd, smiling and beckoning to him. Without a moment'shesitation, and before she even realized what was happening, he sprangforward, put his arms around her, and planted a clinging kiss on herlips. She blushed intensely and whispered as well as she could:
"Oh, you mustn't!"
He made no reply. His eyes were fixed. Half frightened, she led the wayto the motor car. They got in. He promptly took her hand. She attemptedto motion to him that the chauffeur was in front and could see theirreflection in the glass windshield. He merely threw both arms around herand almost crushed her, as he kissed her over and over again. Her faceshowed surprise and indignation.
"You mustn't! We're not engaged."
"As if that mattered," he muttered, taking another kiss.
The motor car arrived at her home. They got out. They entered the house.Her mother came forward to receive them. Suddenly, without warning, hesprang forward and kissed her, throwing his arms about her like acyclone. Her mother, attempting to free herself, gasped. This youngman--whom she scarcely knew! The girl herself stared at him in open-eyedastonishment.
At this moment the maid entered the room. As she stepped forward theyoung man caught sight of her. Wasting no time, and before the surprisedmother and daughter could stop him, he had folded the maid in his armsand kissed her also. She screamed, and finally ran away.
There was an aunt visiting them. This gentle, middle-aged spinster wasdozing in the next room. Aroused by the maid's screams, she hurried intothe room. But no sooner did this remarkable young man visitor see herthan he promptly grabbed her, and covered her face with kisses.
The girl's father all this time had been quietly smoking on the piazza.Hearing the commotion he hurried also into the room, just in time to seethe spinster lady, almost fainting with terror, tear herself loose.
"He's been kissing every one of us," murmured the girl's mother. "Theremust be something the matter with him."
The girl's father caught the young man squarely by the shoulders andfaced him about.
"He kissed me at the station--before everybody!" sobbed the girl. "Thenhe kissed mama and the maid and Aunt Jane."
"What is the meaning of this?" s
aid the girl's father, sternly. "Howdare you, sir, abuse our hospitality?"
The young man shuddered. His eyes closed. Still in the clutch of hishost, there was a tragic silence. Then he opened them once more andgazed feebly about him. He passed his hand wearily over his forehead.
"Forgive me!" he whispered. "It is not my fault. I live in bachelorquarters in town. My friends had all gone away and there was nothing forme to do but go to the moving picture shows night after night. I havebeen doing this for weeks. In the moving pictures the young man herokisses everybody he meets. It's the regular thing--nothing but kissing,kissing, all the time. My mind has been unhinged by it. Forgive me andtake me to some asylum."
Then he burst into tears, threw his arms about the old gentleman--andkissed him, and they led the poor wretch away.
HISTORICAL
At a military church service during the South African War some recruitswere listening to the chaplain in church saying, "Let them slay theBoers as Joshua smote the Egyptians," when a recruit whispered to acompanion:
"Say, Bill, the old bloke is a bit off; doesn't he know it was Kitchenerwho swiped the Egyptians?"
MEMORIES
An American lady at Stratford-on-Avon showed even more than the usualAmerican fervor. She had not recovered when she reached the railwaystation, for she remarked to a friend as they walked on the platform:"To think that it was from this very platform the immortal bard woulddepart whenever he journeyed to town!"
ECCLESIASTICAL DUES ENFORCED
"I canna get ower it," a Scotch farmer remarked to his wife. "I put atwa shillin' piece in the plate at the kirk this morning instead o' mausual penny."
The beadle had noticed the mistake, and in silence he allowed the farmerto miss the plate for twenty-three consecutive Sundays.
On the twenty-fourth Sunday the farmer again ignored the plate, but theold beadle stretched the ladle in froat of him and, in a loud, tragicwhisper, hoarsely said:
"Your time's up noo, Sandy."
STILL COMPANIONABLE
Jennie, the colored maid, arrived one morning with her head swathed inbandages--the result of an argument with her hot-tempered spouse.
"Jennie," said her mistress, "your husband treats you outrageously. Whydon't you leave him?"
"Well, I don' 'zactly wants to leave him."
"Hasn't he dragged you the length of the room by your hair?" demandedher mistress.
"Yas'm, he has done dat."
"Hasn't he choked you into insensibility?"
"Yas'm, he sho has choked me."
"And now doesn't he threaten to split your head with an ax?"
"Yas'm, he has done all dat," agreed Jennie, "but he ain' done nothin'yet so bad I couldn't live wid him."
AN EASY ADJUSTMENT
Andy Donaldson, a well-known character of Glasgow, lay on his deathbed.
"I canna' leave ye thus, Nancy," the old Scotsman wailed. "Ye're owerauld to work, an' ye couldna' live in the workhoose. Gin I dee, ye maunmarry anither man, wha'll keep ye in comfort in yer auld age."
"Nay, nay, Andy," answered the good spouse; "I couldna' marry anitherman, fer whit wull I daw wi' twa husbands in heaven?"
Andy pondered over this, but suddenly his face brightened.
"I ha'e it, Nancy!" he cried. "Ye ken auld John Clemmens? He's a kindman, but he's no' a member o' the kirk. He likes ye, Nancy, an' ginye'll marry him, 'twill be a' the same in heaven. John's no' aChristian, and he's no' likely to get there."
APPRAISED
One morning, Mollie, the colored maid, appeared before her mistress,carrying, folded in a handkerchief, a five-dollar gold piece and all herearthly possessions in the way of jewelry.
This package she proffered her mistress, with the request that MissSallie take it for safe keeping.
"Why, Mollie!" exclaimed the mistress in surprise. "Are you going away?"
"Naw'm, I ain' goin' nowheres," Mollie declared. "But me an' Jim Harriswe wuz married this mawnin'. Yas'm, Jim, he's a new nigger in town. Youdon' know nothin' 'bout him, Miss Sallie. I don' know nothin' 'bout himmyself. He's er stranger to me."
Miss Sallie glanced severely at the little package of jewelry.
"But, Mollie," she demanded, "don't you trust him?"
"Yas'm," replied Mollie, unruffled. "Cose I trus' him, personally--butnot wid ma valuables."
AN EASY MATTER
How to own your own home is a problem which confronts the greatmajority. That it is oftentimes easily solved, however, is revealed bythe following simple experience as related by H.M. Perley in _Life_:
How did we do it? Simply by going without everything we needed. When Iwas first married my salary was thirty dollars a month.
My mother-in-law, who lived with us, decided to save enough out of mysalary to build us a home.
When the cellar was finished, I became ill and lost my position, and hadto mortgage the cellar to make my first payment.
Although we went without food for thirty days the first year, we nevermissed a monthly payment.
The taxes, interest on mortgage, and monthly payment on house were nowthree times the amount of my earnings.
However, by dispensing with the service of a doctor, we lost our fatherand mother-in-law, which so reduced our expenses that we were able topay for the parlor floor and windows.
In ten years seven of our nine children died, possibly owing to our dietof excelsior and prunes.
I only mention these little things to show how we were helped in savingfor a home.
I wore the same overcoat for fifteen years, and was then able to buildthe front porch, which you see at the right of the front door.
Now, at the age of eighty-seven, my wife and I feel sure we can own ourcomfortable little home in about ten years and live a few weeks to enjoyit.
JEEMS HENRY WAS CONJURED.
"Mars John," excitedly exclaimed Aunt Tildy, as she pantingly rushedinto a fire-engine house, "please, suh, phonograph to de car-cleaners'semporium an' notify Dan'l to emergrate home diurgently, kaze JeemsHenry sho' done bin conjured! Doctor Cutter done already distracted twoblood-vultures from his 'pendercitis, an' I lef him now prezaminatin' dechile's ante-bellum fur de germans ob de neuroplumonia, which ef he'sdisinfected wid, dey gotter 'noculate him wid the ice-coldlatedquarantimes--but I b'lieves it's conjuration!"
KEEPING IT IN THE FAMILY
A lady had the misfortune to lose her season ticket for the railway. Onthe same evening she had a call from two boys, the elder of whom at oncehanded her the lost ticket. The lady, delighted at the prompt return ofher property, offered the boy a shilling for his trouble. The ladrefused to accept it, telling the lady he was a Boy Scout, and that nomember of the Boy Scouts is allowed to accept any return for a servicerendered.
Just as the coin was about to be placed back in the purse of the lady,the boy, looking up into her face, suddenly blurted out:
"But my wee brither's no' a Scout."
NOT SO DIFFICULT
Sometimes a situation which to the kind of a mind which requirescertainty seems hopeless can be adjusted in the most common-placemanner:
Congressman Charles R. Davis of Minnesota relates that one afternoon atrain on a Western railroad stopped at a small station, when one of thepassengers, in looking over the place, found his gaze fixed upon aninteresting sign. Hurrying to the side of the conductor, he eagerlyinquired: "Do you think that I will have time to get a soda before thetrain starts?"
"Oh, yes," answered the conductor.
"But suppose," suggested the thirsty passenger, "that the train shouldgo on without me?"
"We can easily fix that," promptly replied the conductor. "I will goalong and have one with you."
DESERVED THE LEGACY
A Turkish story runs that, dying, a pious man bequeathed a fortune tohis son, charging him to give L100 to the meanest man he could find.
A certain cadi filled the bill. Accordingly the dutiful son offered himL100.
"But I can't take your L100," said the cadi. "I n
ever knew your father.There was no reason why he should leave me the money."
"It's yours, all right," persisted the mourning youth.
"I might take it in a fictitious transaction," said the cadi, relenting."Suppose--I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll sell you all that snow in thecourtyard for L100."
The young man agreed, willing to be quit of his trust on any terms. Nextday he was arrested, taken before the cadi, and ordered to remove hissnow at once. As this was a command the young man was utterly unable toexecute, he was fined L20 by the cadi for contumacy.
"At least," the young man said ruefully as he left the court, "father'sL100 went to the right man."
IMPROVEMENT
If you are going to be too fussy about your own particular brand ofbeauty then you must expect to reap the consequences.
An actor visited a beauty doctor to see if he could have something donefor his nose. The beauty doctor studied the organ, and suggested acomplicated straightening and remoulding process--cost, twenty guineas.
"I may go you," said the actor thoughtfully. He stroked his nose beforethe mirror, regarding it from all sides. "Yes, I think I'll go you. But,look here, do you promise to give my nose--er--ideal beauty?"
The surgeon grew meditative.
"As to ideal beauty, I can't say," he replied at last. "Why, my friend Icouldn't help improving it a lot if I hit it with a hammer."
WHY SHOULD HE KNOW?
We cannot all of us be truly literary. Most of us lead busy lives and,after all, is it of any real importance to be familiar with the world'sgreatest writers? No doubt this may all depend upon our occupation, asthe following conversation reveals.
The slight man with the bulging brow leaned forward and addressed thecomplacent looking individual with a look of almost human intelligence.It was a monotonous railway journey.
"Wonderful transportation facilities to-day, sir," he ventured. "As wehave been bowling along, my mind has unconsciously been dwelling onJane Austen. Think of it, sir, only one hundred years ago and norailroads. Have we really lost or gained? Marvelous girl, that, sir.Masterpiece of literature when she was twenty-one, and no background butan untidy English village. You've heard of Jane Austen, I presume?"
"Can't say I have."
The slight man smiled sympathetically.
"I get a great deal of pleasure from books," he went on. "Bachelor.Marvelous solace. May know Wordsworth's famous lines, eh? 'Books we knoware a substantial world,' etc. Perhaps you have read something of ThomasLove Peacock?"
"Never heard of him."
"Ah! Missed a great deal. Wonderful satirist, that. But still, I mustadmit that neither he nor Miss Austen are common. Now there's MarkTwain--for general reading, rain or shine, can't be beaten. American tothe core, sir. Smacks of the soil. Perhaps he missed any warm loveinterest--but a delightful humorist, sir. You read him regularly, Ipresume?"
"Can't say I do."
"Of course, sir, books are not all. I agree with our old friend,Montaigne, about that. By the way, which do you prefer, Dickens orThackeray?"
"Can't say, sir. They're strangers to me."
"Perhaps you've heard of a man named Walter Scott. As his name implies,he was born in Scotland. He wrote books, you know--novels, stories.Rather good, eh? Human interest--wholesome reading--and all that sort ofthing."
"Don't recall him."
The slight man rose up in his seat. He bore down hard upon the stranger.
"Possibly," he suggested, "in the course of your deep and intimateintercourse with men and affairs, you may recall the name of anindividual named Shakespeare."
"Yes, I think I remember."
"How about Macaulay, the greatest essayist in England, and Homer, theprince of ancient poets, with seven birthplaces? Then there's Emersonand Longfellow and Goethe and--"
He paused and grabbed the other man by the collar.
"My friend," he said, "you don't seem interested in the world's greatestauthors. May I inquire what your occupation in life is?"
The other man nodded gravely, even austerely.
"Certainly, sir," he replied. "I'm a holiday salesman in Buncum'sDepartment Store Book Shop."
ONE ON HIM
The code of manners enjoyed by the Germans needs scarcely any furtherillumination, but the following incident may serve as further light uponthis threadbare subject.
A physician boarded a crowded crosstown car. A woman was standing, and abig German seated, sprawling over twice the space necessary. Indignantlythe doctor said to him:
"See here! Why don't you move a little so that this tired woman may havea seat?"
For a moment the German looked dazed. Then a broad smile spread over hiscountenance as he answered:
"Say, dot's a joke on you, all right! Dot's my vife!"
REVEALED
In view of the spirit of comradeship shown between officers and men,this story is at least open to question, but it may have happened insome former war.
The lieutenant was instructing the squad in visional training.
"Tell me, Number One," he said, "how many men are there in thattrench-digging party over there?"
"Thirty men and one officer," was the prompt reply.
"Quite right," observed the lieutenant, after a pause. "But how do youknow one is an officer at this distance?"
"'Cos he's the only one not working, sir."
DIAGNOSING HIMSELF
The officer of the day, during his tour of duty, paused to question asentry who was a new recruit.
"If you should see an armed party approaching, what would you do?" askedthe officer.
"Turn out the guard, sir."
"Very well. Suppose you saw a battleship coming across theparade-ground, what would you do?"
"Report to the hospital for examination, sir," was the prompt reply.
IN OUR MELTING POT
During a political campaign in New York a Tammany leader on the EastSide, a self-made man and one not entirely completed yet in somerespects, was addressing a mass meeting of Italian-born voters onbehalf of the Democratic ticket.
"Gintlemen and fellow citizens," he began, "I deem it an honor to bepermitted to address you upon the issues of the day. I have always had adeep admiration for your native land. I vinerate the mimory of thatgreat, that noble Eyetalian who was the original and first discoverer ofthis here land of ours.
"Why, gintlemen, at me mother's knee I was taught to sing that inspirin'song: 'Columbus, the Jim of the Ocean'!"
Whereupon there was loud applause.
GIVE HIM TIME
Mr. Johnsing had an enthusiastic admirer in Little Eph Jones.
"Yes, suh," he concluded one of his eulogies, "Mistuh Johnsing is thebiggest man what evuh was."
"Bigger than General Grant?" queried the white man to whom he wastalking.
"Suttinly Mistuh Johnsing is a bigguh man than General Grant," affirmedEph.
"Bigger than President Wilson?"
"Of co'se he's bigguh than President Wilson."
"Bigger than God?"
"Well--well--" stammered Eph. "You see, Mistuh Johnsing's young yet."
A BAY STATE SOLOMON
Unfortunately we've mislaid the judge's name, but his court room is inNew Bedford, Mass. Before him appeared a defendant who, hoping forleniency, pleaded, "Judge, I'm down and out."
Whereupon said the wise judge: "You're down but you're not out. Sixmonths."
IN MEMORIAM
Availing herself of her ecclesiastical privileges, the clergyman's wifeasked questions which, coming from anybody else, would have been thoughtimpertinent.
"I presume you carry a memento of some kind in that locket you wear?"she said.
"Yes, ma'am," said the parishioner. "It is a lock of my husband's hair."
"But your husband is still alive!" the lady exclaimed.
"Yes, ma'am, but his hair is gone."
A DISADVANTAGE
The Germans will be immensely hated after this war. They will be thepariahs of the future
.
Already we see signs of German hatred everywhere. At a reception theother night in a neutral city, the guest of honor said to a man who hadjust been presented to her:
"You are a foreigner, are you not? Where do you come from?"
"From Berlin, ma'am," he answered.
The lady stared at him through her lorgnette.
"Dear me!" she said. "Couldn't you go back and come from somewhereelse?"
THE LIFE
They were two sweet young American girls, able, beautiful, versatile,patriotic to the core, rushed to death. And one of them saidbreathlessly:
"What have you been doing?"
And the other one as breathlessly replied:
"Doing! My dear, I hate to tell you. I got up at six. I drove a carforty miles to camp. I knitted a sweater and a pair of socks in between.I went to a Red Cross meeting. I acted as bridesmaid. I read a book onthe war. I took a last lesson in first aid. I canned eighty cans ofvegetables and, oh--!"
"Do tell me!"
"Why, will you believe me, I have been so busy all day that I almostforgot to get married!"
WELCOMING THE ACTOR
A well-known society performer volunteered to entertain a roomful ofpatients of the Colney Hatch Lunatic Asylum, and made up a verysuccessful little monologue show, entirely humorous. The audience in themain gave symptoms of being slightly bored, but one highly intelligentmaniac saw the whole thing in the proper light, and, clapping thetalented actor on the shoulder, said: "Glad you've come, old fellow. Youand I will get along fine. The other dippies here are so dasheddignified. What I say is if a man is mad, he needn't put on airs aboutit."
COULDN'T BE BOTHERED
Mose approached the registration booth hesitatingly, and being accostedby the official in charge, assured that dignitary that he had justwalked ten miles to register.
"Well, Mose, what branch of the service would you like to be placedin?" inquired the official.
"How about the cavalry?"
"What will Ah have ter do in de calvary?"
"Oh, you won't have to do anything but ride a horse all the time."
Mose scratched his woolly noggin in perplexity for a few moments, andfinally said: "Nawssur, Ah don't believe Ah wants ter jine the calvary."
"What's the matter with the cavalry, Mose?"
"Well, yer see, boss, hit's jest like dis: When y'awl blow dem buglester retreet, Ah don't want ter be troubled wid no hoss."
THEIR "BIT"
Jimmie, very proud of his first job and weekly salary of $6.83,purchased a Liberty Bond on the installment plan. That evening he saw inthe newspaper that John D. Rockefeller had invested in Liberty Bonds tothe extent of $10,000,000.
Turning to his mother, Jimmie said proudly, "Well, ma, two of usAmericans have done our duty, anyhow."
MISTAKES WILL HAPPEN
A woman doctor of Philadelphia was calling on a young sister, recentlymarried, who was in distress. In response to the doctor's inquiry thenewly-wed said:
"I cooked a meal for the first time yesterday, and I made an awful messof it."
"Never mind, dearie," said the doctor, cheerfully; "it's nothing toworry about. I lost my first patient."
DANGER SIGNALS
An ingenious American has invented a device to prevent such motoringaccidents as arise from over-speeding. He describes his contrivance asfollows:
"While the car is running fifteen miles an hour a white bulb shows onthe radiator, at twenty-five miles a green bulb appears, at forty a redbulb, and, when the driver begins to bat 'em out around sixty per, amusic-box under the seat begins to play 'Nearer, My God, to Thee.'"
VULNERABLE
A visiting minister, preaching in a town famous for its horse races,vigorously denounced the sport. The principal patron of the churchalways attended the races, and of this the clergyman was later informed.
"I am afraid I touched one of your weaknesses," said the pastor, notwishing to offend the wealthy one, "but it was quite unintentional, Iassure you."
"Oh, don't mind that," said the sportsman genially. "It's a mighty poorsermon that don't hit me somewhere."
MISLEADING
Johnson, a bachelor, had been to call on his sister, and was shown thenew baby. The next day some friends asked him to describe the newarrival. The bachelor replied: "Um--very small features, clean shaven,red faced, and a very hard drinker!"
A SOFT ANSWER
The ocean liner was rolling like a chip, but as usual in such instancesone passenger was aggressively, disgustingly healthy.
"Sick, eh?" he remarked to a pale-green person who was leaning on therail.
The pale-green person regarded the healthy one with all the scorn hecould muster. "Sick nothing!" he snorted weakly. "I'm just hanging overthe front of the boat to see how the captain cranks it!"
BALLS
A young married couple who lived near a famous golf-course wereentertaining an elderly aunt from the depths of the country.
"Well, Aunt Mary, how did you spend this afternoon?" asked the hostesson the first day.
"Oh, I enjoyed myself very much," replied Auntie with a beaming smile,"I went for a walk across the fields. There seemed to be a great manypeople about, and some of them shouted to me in a most eccentric manner,but I just took no notice. And, by the way," she went on, "I found sucha number of curious little round white things. I brought them home toask you what they are."
JOE'S DIAGNOSIS
A colored man entered the general store of a small Ohio town andcomplained to the storekeeper that a ham that he had purchased there afew days before had proved not to be good.
"The ham is all right, Joe," insisted the storekeeper.
"No, it ain't, boss," insisted the other. "Dat ham's sure bad."
"How can that be," continued the storekeeper, "when it was cured onlylast week?"
Joe reflected solemnly a moment, and then suggested:
"Maybe it's done had a relapse."
PURELY LITERARY
A celebrated author thus sketched out his daily programme to aninterviewer: Rise at 11; breakfast at 12; attention to mail; a fewafternoon calls; a ride in the park; dinner; the theatre, and then tobed.
"But when do you do your literary work?" he was asked.
"Why, the next day, of course," was the reply.
TOO FORWARD
At a parade of a company of newly-called-up men the drill instructor'sface turned scarlet with rage as he slated a new recruit for hisawkwardness.
"Now, Rafferty," he roared, "you'll spoil the line with those feet. Drawthem back at once, man, and get them in line."
Rafferty's dignity was hurt.
"Plaze, sargint," he said, "they're not mine; they're Micky Doolan's inthe rear rank!"
OBEYING ORDERS
The manager of a big Australian sheep-ranch engaged a discharged sailorto do farm work. He was put in charge of a large flock of sheep.
"Now, all you've got to do," explained the manager, "is to keep them onthe run."
A run is a large stretch of bushland enclosed by a fence, and sheep havemany ingenious methods of escaping from their own to neighboring runsand so getting mixed up with other flocks.
At the end of a couple of hours the manager rode up again--the air wasthick with dust as though a thousand head of cattle had passed by.
At last he distinguished the form of his new shepherd--a collapsed heapprone upon the ground. Surrounding him were the sheep, a pitiful,huddled mass, bleating plaintively, with considerably more than a week'scondition lost.
"What the dickens have you been doing to those sheep?" shrieked thealmost frantic manager.
The ex-sailor managed to gasp out: "Well, sir, I've done my best. Youtold me to keep them on the run, and so I hunted them up and down andround--and now--I'm just dead beat myself."
TABLE OF COMPARISON
To instill into the mind of his son sound wisdom and business preceptswas Cohen senior's earnest endeavor. He taught his offspring much,including the advantages o
f bankruptcy, failures, and fires. "Twobankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal one fire," etc. ThenCohen junior looked up brightly.
"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?"
"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply, "if you marry a really wealthywoman, marriage is almost as good as a failure."
KNEW HIS JOB
It was Easter eve on leap year, and the dear young thing, who had beenreceiving long but somewhat unsatisfactory visits from the very shyyoung man, decided she might take a chance. Robert had brought her asplendid Easter lily.
"I'll give you a kiss for that lily," she promised blushingly.
The exchange was duly, not to say happily, made. Robert startedhurriedly toward the door.
"Why, where are you going?" asked his girl in surprise.
"To the florist's for more Easter lilies!" he replied.
AN ANGLOMANIAC
"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson.
"We have taken up the subject of molecules," answered her son.
"I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said themother. "I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keepit in his eye."
YANKEE FODDER
Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home from NewEngland who said to his friend, "You know those little white roundbeans?"
"Yes," replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our horses?"
"The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the enlightenedcitizens take those little white round beans, boil them for three orfour hours, mix them with molasses and I know not what otheringredients, bake them, and then--what do you suppose they do with thebeans?"
"They--"
"They eat 'em, sir," interrupted the first Southerner impressively;"bless me, sir, they eat 'em!"
ONE EXPLANATION
At the meeting of the Afro-American Debating Club the question ofcapital punishment for murder occupied the attention of the orators forthe evening. One speaker had a great deal to say about the sanity ofpersons who thus took the law into their own hands. The last speaker,however, after a stirring harangue, concluded with great feeling: "Ahdisagrees wif capital punishment an' all dis heah talk 'bout sanity. Anypusson 'at c'mits murdeh ain't in a sanitary condition."
REMORSE
"I got son in army," said a wrinkled old chief to United States SenatorClapp during his recent visit to an Indian reservation in Minnesota.
"Fine," exclaimed the Senator. "You should be proud that he is fightingfor all of us."
"Who we fight?" the redskin continued.
"Why," the Senator replied, surprised. "We are fighting the Kaiser--youknow, the Germans."
"Hah," mourned the chief. "Too dam bad."
"Why bad?" protested Senator Clapp, getting primed for a lecture onTeutonic kultur and its horrors.
"Too dam bad," repeated the old Indian. "Couple come through reservationlast week. I could killed um, easy as not. Too dam bad."
He wrapped his face in his blanket and refused to be comforted.
THE REAL CULPRIT
The Crown Prince had been so busy that he hadn't had time to gettogether with his father and have a confidential chat. But one eveningwhen there was a lull in the 808-centimeter guns, they managed to get afew moments off. The Crown Prince turned to his father and said:
"Dad, there is something I have been wanting to ask you for a long time.Is Uncle George really responsible for this scrap?"
"No, my son."
"Well, did Cousin Nick have anything to do with it?"
"Not at all"
"Possibly you did?"
"No, sir."
"Then would you mind telling me who it was?"
The anointed one was silent for a moment. Then he turned to his son andsaid:
"I'll tell you how it happened. About two or three years ago there was awild man came over here from the United States, one of those rip-roaringrough riders that you read about in dime novels, but he certainly didhave about him a plausible air. I took him out and showed him our fleet.Then I showed him the army, and after he had looked them over he said tome, 'Bill, you could lick the world,' And I was damn fool enough tobelieve him."
A MATTER OF NOMENCLATURE
A Negro was recently brought into police court in a little town inGeorgia, charged with assault and battery. The Negro, who was well knownto the judge, was charged with having struck another "unbleachedAmerican" with a brick. After the usual preliminaries the judgeinquired:
"Why did you hit this man?"
"Jedge, he called me a damn black rascal."
"Well, you are one, aren't you?"
"Yessah, I _is_ one. But, Jedge, s'pose somebody'd call you a damn blackrascal, wouldn't you hit 'em?"
"But I'm not one, am I?"
"Naw, sah, naw, sah, you ain't one; but s'pose somebody'd call you dekind o' rascal you _is_, what'd you do?"
"IT IS FORBIDDEN"
Early in the war J.B. adopted a French soldier and furnishes him with amonthly allowance of tobacco. Incidentally, he is also lubricating hisrusty French by carrying on a correspondence with his "_filleul deguerre_" who writes him from the trenches, "somewhere in France."
In a recent letter, the soldier informed his American benefactor that"_hier j'ai tue deux Boches. Ils sont alles a l'enfer._" (Yesterday Ikilled two Boches. They went straight to hell.) The censor wrote betweenthe lines, "_Il est defendu de dire ou est l'ennemi._" (It is forbiddento tell where the enemy is!)
HER PRAYER
A visitor to a Glasgow working woman whose son was at the front wastreated to a fluent harangue on the misdeeds of that "auld blackguard,"the Kaiser. She ventured to suggest that we should love our enemies andpray for them.
"Oh, but I pray for him, too."
"What do you say?"
"I say, 'Oh, Lord, deal wi' yon old blackguard, saften his heart, anddamp his powther.'"
CAUTIOUS MOURNER
Walking through the village street one day, the widowed Lady Bountifulmet old Farmer Stubbs on his way to market. Her greeting went unnoticed.
"Stubbs," said she, indignantly, "you might at least raise your hat tome!"
"I beg your pardon, m'lady," was the reply, "but my poor wife ain't deadmoren' two weeks, and I ain't started lookin' at the wimmen yet!"
UNPREPARED BASE THREATENED
Tommy Tonkins was keen on baseball and particularly ambitious to makehis mark as a catcher. Any hint, however small, was welcomed if ithelped on his advance in his department of the game. When he began tohave trouble with his hands, and somebody suggested soaking them in saltwater to harden the skin, he quickly followed the advice.
Alas! a few days later Tommy had a misfortune. A long hit at the bottomof the garden sent the ball crashing through a neighbor's sitting-roomwindow. It was the third Tommy had broken since the season began.
Mrs. Tonkins nearly wept in anger when Tommy broke the news.
"Yer father'll skin yer when 'e comes 'ome to-night," she said.
Poor Tommy, trembling, went outside to reflect. His thoughts traveled tothe strap hanging in the kitchen, and he eyed his hands ruefully.
"Ah!" he muttered, with a sigh. "I made a big mistake. I ought to 'avesat in that salt and water!"
INCONSIDERATE
A more kind-hearted and ingenuous soul never lived than Aunt Betsey, butshe was a poor housekeeper. On one occasion a neighbor who had run infor a "back-door" call was horrified to see a mouse run across AuntBetsey's kitchen floor.
"Why on earth don't you set a trap, Betsey?" she asked.
"Well," replied Aunt Betsey. "I did have a trap set. But land, it wassuch a fuss! Those mice kept getting into it!"
ANOTHER ENGAGEMENT
An Italian, having applied for citizenship, was being examined in thenaturalization court.
"Who is the President of the United States?"
"Mr. Wils'."
"Who is the Vice-President?"
"Mr. Marsh'."
"Could
you be President?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Mister, you 'scuse, please. I vera busy worka da mine."
A HARD KNOCK
During the cross-examination of a young physician in a lawsuit, theplaintiff's lawyer made disagreeable remarks about the witness's youthand inexperience.
"You claim to be acquainted with the various symptoms attendingconcussion of the brain?" asked the lawyer.
"I do."
"We will take a concrete case," continued the lawyer. "If my learnedfriend, counsel for the defence, and myself were to bang our headstogether, would he get concussion of the brain?"
The young physician smiled. "The probabilities are," he replied, "thatthe counsel for the defence would."
DURABLE
The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all herattributes.
"I don't care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret," said Bob,one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her inlaughing conversation with his mother. "I wish I had some copper-toedones like yours."
ACCURACY
An American editor had a notice stuck up above his desk that read:"Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he always pointed out tothe new reporters.
One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of apublic meeting. The editor read it through, and came to the sentence:"Three thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon thespeaker."
"What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he demanded,wrathfully.
"But it's not a blunder," protested the youngster. "There was a one-eyedman in the audience!"
HAD HIS RIGHTS
"Why did you strike this man?" asked the Judge sternly.
"He called me a liar, your honor," replied the accused.
"Is that true?" asked the Judge, turning to the man with the mussed-upface.
"Sure, it's true," said the accused, "I called him a liar because he isone, and I can prove it."
"What have you got to say to that?" asked the Judge of the defendant.
"It's got nothing to do with the case, your honor," was the unexpectedreply. "Even if I am a liar I guess I've got a right to be sensitiveabout it, ain't I?"
A READY-WITTED PARSON
The evening lesson was from the Book of Job, and the minister had justread, "Yea, the light of the wicked shall be put out," when immediatelythe church was in total darkness.
"Brethren," said the minister, with scarcely a moment's pause, "in viewof the sudden and startling fulfilment of this prophecy, we will spend afew minutes in silent prayer for the electric lighting company."
A STOCK SUFFRAGE ARGUMENT
A member of Congress and his wife had been to Baltimore one afternoon.When they left the train at Washington, on their return, the wifediscovered that her umbrella, which had been entrusted to the care ofher husband, was missing.
"Where's my umbrella?" she demanded.
"I fear I have forgotten it, my dear," meekly answered the statesman."It must still be in the train."
"In the train!" snorted the lady. "And to think that the affairs of thenation are entrusted to a man who doesn't know enough to take care of awoman's umbrella!"
A DEEP ONE
Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from thehuckster's wagon, and the farmer told the boy to take a handful ofcherries, but the child shook his head.
"What's the matter? Don't you like them?" asked the huckster.
"Yes," replied Johnny.
"Then go ahead an' take some."
Johnny hesitated, whereupon the farmer put a generous handful in theboy's cap. After the farmer had driven on, the mother asked:
"Why didn't you take the cherries when he told you to?"
"'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine."
PROVING IT
A woman owning a house in Philadelphia before which a gang of workmenwere engaged in making street repairs was much interested in the work.
"And which is the foreman?" she asked of a big, burly Celt.
A proud smile came to the countenance of that individual as he replied:
"Oi am, mum."
"Really?" continued the lady.
"Oi kin prove it, mum," rejoined the Irishman. Then, turning to alaborer at hand, he added, "Kelly, ye're fired!"
PRAYER OF THE UNRIGHTEOUS
We had a new experience the other day (relates a writer in the _AtlanticMonthly_) when we picked up two boatloads of survivors from the----,torpedoed without warning. I will say they were pretty glad to see uswhen we bore down on them. As we neared they began to paddlefrantically, as though fearful we should be snatched away from them atthe last moment. The crew were mostly Arabs and Lascars, and the firstmate, a typical comic magazine Irishman, delivered himself of thefollowing: "Sure, toward the last some o' thim haythen gits down ontheir knees and starts calling on Allah: but I sez, sez I, 'Git up aforeI swat ye wid the ax handle, ye benighted haythen; sure if this boatgits saved 't will be the Holy Virgin does it or none at all, at all!Git up,'sez I."
MUCH SIMPLER
For an hour the teacher had dealt with painful iteration on the partplayed by carbohydrates, proteids, and fats, respectively, in theupkeep of the human body. At the end of the lesson the usual testquestions were put, among them: "Can any girl tell me the three foodsrequired to keep the body in health?" There was silence till one maidenheld up her hand and replied: "Yer breakfast, yer dinner, and yersupper."
SILENT CONTEMPT
A certain man whose previous record was of the best was charged with aminor offense. Law and evidence were unquestionably on the side of thedefense, but when the arguments had been concluded a verdict of "guilty"was given and a fine imposed.
The lawyer for the defense was sitting with his back toward themagistrate. Without changing his position or rising to address thecourt, he remarked:
"Judge, please fine me for contempt of court."
The magistrate inquired:
"What d'ye mean, sir? You haven't committed contempt."
"I have," came from the old lawyer. "It's silent."
WHAT DID SOLOMON SAY?
London children certainly get some quaint views of life. An instance ofthis recently occurred in an East End Sunday-school, where the teacherwas talking to her class about Solomon and his wisdom.
"When the Queen of Sheba came and laid jewels and fine raiment beforeSolomon, what did he say?" she asked presently.
One small girl, who had evidently had experience in such matters,promptly replied:
"'Ow much d'yer want for the lot?"
HIS ULTIMATUM
Quite recently a warship of the Atlantic Fleet found it necessary tocall for a few hours at a military port on the coast of Ireland. TommyAtkins, meeting a full-bearded Irish tar in the street a couple of hourslater, said:
"Pat, when are you going to place your whiskers on the reserve list?"
"When you place your tongue on the civil list," was the Irish sailor'sreply.
A GIFTED YOUTH
Although Alfred had arrived at the age of 21 years he showed noinclinaton either to pursue his studies or in any way adapt himself tohis father's business.
"I don't know what I will ever make of that son of mine," bitterlycomplained his father, a hustling business man.
"Maybe he hasn't found himself yet," consoled the confidential friend."Isn't he gifted in any way?"
"Gifted?" queried the father. "Well, I should say he is! He ain't got athing that wasn't given to him."
IT HAPPENED IN ILLINOIS
The time was registration day; the place was a a small town in SouthernIllinois. There was no girl. He was a gentleman of color, and theregistrar was having considerable trouble explaining the whys andwherefors of the registration. At last Rastus showed a faint glimmer ofintelligence.
"Dis heyah registrashum fo' de draf' am a whole lot like 'lectionvotin', ain't it?" he asked uncertainly.
"Yes," answered the kindly regis
trar.
Rastus scratched his head in troubled doubt. He was thinking deeply.Presently his brow cleared and a smile spread over his face. He hadcome to a decision.
"Den I votes for Julius Jackson ter be drafted," he said. "I nebah didhab no use fo' dat niggah."
GETTING EVEN
James, 4 years old, had been naughty to the point of evoking a whippingfrom his long-suffering mother, and all day long a desire for revengerankled in his little bosom.
At length bedtime came, and, kneeling beside her, he implored a blessingon each member of the family individually, his mother alone beingconspicuous by her absence. Then, rising from his devout posture, thelittle suppliant fixed a keenly triumphant look upon her face, saying,as he turned to climb into bed:
"I s'pose you noticed you wasn't in it."
ARCHIE'S NECK
Little Willie--in small boy stories the central figure is nearly alwaysnamed Little Willie--came running into the house, stuttering in hisexcitement.
"Mommer," he panted, "do you know Archie Sloan's neck?"
"Do I know what?" asked his mother.
"Do you know Archie Sloan's neck?" repeated her offspring.
"I know Archie Sloan," answered the puzzled parent; "so I suppose I mustknow his neck. Why?"
"Well," said Willie, "he just now fell into the back-water up to it."
THEIR ONE TOPIC
"The Kaiser and Hindenburg," said Edsell Ford, son of Henry Ford, "andthe crown prince and the other German big-wigs can never mention the warwithout saying that it was forced upon them, that they are fighting indefense of the fatherland, that their enemies are to blame for all thebloodshed, and so forth.
"The way the Germans insist on this defense talk of theirs, in seasonand out of season," he went on, "reminds me of the colored preacher whoalways preached on infant baptism.
"A deputation waited on him one evening and asked him if he wouldn'tplease drop infant baptism for a time. He said he'd try to meet thedeputation's wishes and the following Sunday he announced as his text,'Adam, Where Art Thou?'
"This text, brethern and sistern,' said the preacher, 'can be dividedinto fo' heads. Fust, every man is somewhar. Second, most men is wharthey hain't got no business to be. Third, you'd better watch out orthat's whar you'll be yourself. Fo'th, infant baptism. And now, brethernand sistern, I guess we might as well pass up the first three heads andcome immediately to the fo'th--infant baptism.'"
PROBABLY RIGHT
Here is a story of the late Lord Haversham's schooldays. Glancingthrough his pocket-book, his mother saw a number of entries of smallsums, ranging from 2s. 6d. to 5s., against which were the letters "P.G."Thinking this must mean the Propagation of the Gospel, she asked her sonwhy he did not give a lump sum and a larger amount to so deserving acause.
"That is not for the Propagation of the Gospel," he replied. "When Icannot remember exactly on what I spend the money I put 'P.G.,' whichmeans 'Probably grub.'"
UNRETURNED FAVORS
A Connecticut farmer was asked to assist at the funeral of hisneighbor's third wife and, as he had attended the funerals of the twoothers, his wife was surprised when he declined the invitation. On beingpressed to give his reason he said, with some hesitation:
"You see, Mary, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward to be alwaysaccepting other folks's civilities when he never has anything of thesame sort of his own to ask them back to."
THE PROPER SPIRIT
Here is a story our wounded boys have brought back from the front aboutSir Douglas Haig.
Sir Douglas was, some few weeks ago, in a great hurry to get to acertain place. He found his car, but the chauffeur was missing. So SirDouglas got in the car and drove off by himself. Then the driverappeared and saw the car disappearing in the distance.
"Great Scot!" cried the driver, "there's 'Aig a-driving my car!"
"Well, get even with him," said a Tommy, standing by, "and go and fightone of 'is battles for him."
EXPERIENCED
A judge presiding over a court in Washington, D.C., was administeringthe oath to a boy of tender years, and to him put the followingquestion:
"Have you ever taken the oath? Do you know how to swear, my boy?"
Whereupon the lad responded: "Yes, sir. I am your caddie at the ChevyChase Club."
PERPETUAL MOTION
Alderman Curran, of New York City, worked his way through Yale College.During his course he was kept very busy by the various jobs he did tohelp with his expenses. On graduation he went to New York, and was evenbusier than he had been in New Haven.
After some months of life in New York, a friend met him and said,"Henry, what are you doing?"
"I have three jobs," replied Mr. Curran, "I am studying law, I am anewspaper reporter, and I am selling life insurance."
"How do you manage to get it all in?" said the friend.
"Oh," replied Mr Curran, "that's easy enough. They're only eight-hourjobs."
PRIDE IN THE DAILY TASK
A quaint story is told to exemplify the pride that every man should takein the work by which he makes a living.
Two street sweepers, seated on a curbstone, were discussing a comradewho had died the day before.
"Bill certainly was a good sweeper," said one.
"Y-e-s," conceded the other thoughtfully. "But don't you think he was alittle weak around the lamp-posts?"
DIDN'T WANT TO ROB HIM
His face was pinched and drawn. With faltering footsteps he wended hisway among the bustling Christmas crowd.
"Kind sir," he suddenly exclaimed, "will you not give me a loaf of breadfor my wife and little ones?" The stranger regarded him not unkindly."Far be it from me," he rejoined, "to take advantage of yourdestitution. Keep your wife and little ones; I do not want them."
HIS GENEROSITY
A "Tommy," lying in a hospital, had beside him a watch of curious andforeign design. The attending doctor was interested.
"Where did your watch come from?" he asked.
"A German give it me," he answered.
A little piqued, the doctor inquired how the foe had come to convey thistoken of esteem and affection.
"E 'ad to," was the laconic reply.
JOY OF EATING
A well-known banker in a downtown restaurant was eating mush and milk.
"What's the matter?" inquired a friend.
"Got dyspepsia."
"Don't you enjoy your meals?"
"Enjoy my meals?" snorted the indignant dyspeptic. "My meals are merelyguide-posts to take medicine before or after."
TRY THIS
The quick wit of a traveling salesman, who has since become a well-knownproprietor, was severely tested one day. He sent in his card by theoffice-boy to the manager of a large concern, whose inner office wasseparated from the waiting-room by a ground-glass partition. When theboy handed his card to the manager the salesman saw him impatiently tearit in half and throw it in the wastebasket; the boy came out and toldthe caller that he could not see the chief. The salesman told the boy togo back and get him his card; the boy brought out five cents, with themessage that his card was torn up. Then the salesman took out anothercard and sent the boy back, saying: "Tell your boss I sell two cards forfive cents."
He got his interview and sold a large bill of goods.
BARGAIN-COUNTER GOLF
"Fore!" yelled the golfer, ready to play. But the woman on the coursepaid no attention.
"Fore!" he shouted again with no effect.
"Ah," suggested his opponent in disgust, "try her once with 'threeninety-eight'!"
UNEASY
It was in a churchyard. The morning sun shone brightly and the dew wasstill on the grass.
"Ah, this is the weather that makes things spring up," remarked apasser-by casually to an old gentleman seated on a bench.
"Hush!" replied the old gentleman. "I've got three wives buried here."
PERFECTLY NATURAL
They gave the old lady the only unoccupied room in the hotel--one with
aprivate bath adjoining. The next morning, when the guest was ready tocheck out, the clerk asked:
"Did you have a good night's rest?"
"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bedwas pretty good; but I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraidsomeone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through myroom."
A DIPLOMAT
An Ohio man was having a lot of trouble piloting a one-tent show throughthe Middle West. He lost a number of valuable animals by accident andotherwise. Therefore, it was with a sympathetic mien that one of thekeepers undertook the task of breaking the news of another disaster. Hebegan thus:
"Mr. Smith, you remember that laughin' hyena in cage nine?"
"Remember the laughing hyena?" demanded the owner, angrily. "What thedeuce are you driving at?"
"Only this, Mr. Smith: he ain't got nothing to laugh at this morning."
THE DIFFERENCE
Two pals, both recently wedded, were comparing the merits of theirwives.
"Ah, yes," said George, who was still very much in love, "my littlewoman is an angel! She couldn't tell a lie to save her life!"
"Lucky bounder!" said Samuel, sighing. "My wife can tell a lie theminute I get it out of my mouth!"
WORSE!
The worried countenance of the bridegroom disturbed the best man.Tiptoeing up the aisle, he whispered:
"What's the matter, Jock? Hae ye lost the ring?"
"No," blurted out the unhappy Jock, "the ring's safe eno'. But, mon,I've lost ma enthusiasm."
THE TEUTON WAY
A story illustrative of the changes in methods of warfare comes from asoldier in France who took a German officer prisoner. The soldier saidto the officer: "Give up your sword!" But the officer shook his head andanswered: "I have no sword to give up. But won't my vitriol spray, myoil projector, or my gas cylinder do as well?"
APPRECIATION
It was just after a rainstorm and two men were walking down the streetbehind a young woman who was holding her skirt rather high. After anargument as to the merits of the case, one of the men stepped forwardand said: "Pardon, me, miss, but aren't you holding your skirt ratherhigh?"
"Haven't I a perfect right?" she snapped.
"You certainly have, Miss, and a peach of a left," he replied.
ALLEGRO
"That'sallFergusonI'llringifIwantyouagain."
"YessirthankyousirshallIsayyouareoutifanyonecallssir?"
"TellthemIamoutofthecityandFerguson."
"Yessir?"
"Havetheautoreadyforanearlyruninthemorning.HavealargebunchoforchidsinthevaseFerguson."
"Yessiranythingelsesir?"
"NothingelseFerguson."
Readeritisonlytheconversationinatalkingmovieshowtryingtokeepupwiththepictures.
JUST ANSWERED
A soldier in the English Army wrote home: "They put me in barracks; theytook away my clothes and put me in khaki; they took away my name andmade me 'No. 575'; they took me to church, where I'd never been before,and they made me listen to a sermon for forty minutes. Then the parsonsaid: 'No. 575. Art thou weary, art thou languid?' and I got seven daysin the guardhouse because I answered that I certainly was."
TOO LONG A SHOT
A famous jockey was taken suddenly ill, and the trainer advised him tovisit a doctor in the town.
"He'll put you right in a jiffy," he said.
The same evening he found Benjamin lying curled up in the stables,kicking his legs about in agony.
"Hello, Benny! Haven't you been to the doctor?"
"Yes."
"Well, didn't he do you any good?"
"I didn't go in. When I got to his house there was a brass plate on hisdoor--'Dr. Kurem. Ten to one'--I wasn't going to monkey with a long shotlike that!"
SENSITIVE
Here is a story of a London "nut" who had mounted guard for the firsttime:
The colonel had just given him a wigging because of the state of hisequipment. A little later the colonel passed his post. The nut did notsalute. The indignant colonel turned and passed again. The nut ignoredhim.
"Why in the qualified blazes don't you salute?" the colonel roared.
"Ah," said the nut, softly, "I fawncied you were vexed with me."
NO USE FOR IT
Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the telephone-box hecalled a wrong number. As there was no such number, the switch-attendantdid not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer.
The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout alittle louder, which he did, but still no answer.
Again she said he would have to speak louder. Pat got angry at this,and, turning to the lady, said:
"Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn't use your bloomin' ouldtelephone at all!"
EFFECTIVE
Some people are always optimists:
"Beanborough," said a friend of that gentleman, "always looks on thebright side of things."
"Why?"
"Well, the other day I went with him to buy a pair of shoes. He didn'ttry them on at the store, and when he got home he found that a nail wassticking right up through the heel of one."
"Did he take them back?"
"Not much. He said that he supposed the nail was put there intentionallyto keep the foot from sliding forward in the shoe."
GERMAN ARITHMETIC
1 German equals 10 unkultured foreigners.
2 soldiers equal 10 civilians.
3 officers equal 12 privates.
4 treaties equal 8 scraps of paper.
5 poisoned wells equal 1 strategic retreat.
6 iron crosses equal 1 ruined cathedral.
7 Zeppelin raids equal 7 demonstrations of frightfulness.
8 eggs equal 8 hearty meals (common people).
9 eggs equal 1 appetizer (aristocracy).
10 deported Belgians equal 10 unmarked graves.
11 torpedoed neutrals equal 11 disavowals.
12 Gotts equal 1 Kaiser.
A DIFFICULT PASSAGE
"I thought you were preaching, Uncle Bob," said the Colonel, to whom theelderly Negro had applied for a job.
"Yessah, Ah wuz," replied Uncle; "but Ah guess Ah ain't smaht enough toexpound de Scriptures. Ah almost stahved to deff tryin' to explain detrue meanin' uv de line what says 'De Gospel am free,' Dem fool niggahsthought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn't to git no salary."
WHERE VERMONT SCORED
A gentleman from Vermont was traveling west in a Pullman when a group ofmen from Topeka, Kansas, boarded the train and began to praise theircity to the Vermonter, telling him of the wide streets and beautifulavenues. Finally the Vermonter became tired and said the only thing thatwould improve their city would be to make it a seaport.
The enthusiastic Westerners laughed at him and asked how they could makeit a seaport being so far from the ocean.
The Vermonter replied that it would be a very easy task.
"The only thing that you will have to do," said he, "is to lay atwo-inch pipe from your city to the Gulf of Mexico. Then if you fellowscan suck as hard as you can blow you will have it a seaport inside halfan hour."
DOING UNTO HIS NEIGHBOR
"Hey, kid!" yelled the game warden, appearing suddenly above the youngfisherman. "You are fishing for trout. Don't you know they ain't inseason?"
"Sure," replied the youth, "but when it's the season for trout theyain't around, and when it ain't the season there's lots of 'em. If thefish ain't a-goin' to obey the rules, I ain't neither."
THE LIMIT
He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was nearer to hisheart than anything on earth. When Paddy met swift and hideous death onthe turnpike road his mother trembled to break the news. But it had tobe, and when he came home from school she told him simply:
"Paddy has been run over and killed."
He took it very quietly; finished his dinner with appetite and spiritsunimpaired. All day it was the same. But five minutes after he had go
neup to bed there echoed through the house a shrill and suddenlamentation. His mother rushed upstairs with solicitude and sympathy.
"Nurse says," he sobbed, "that Paddy has been run over and killed."
"But, dear, I told you that at dinner, and you didn't seem to trouble atall."
"No; but--but I didn't know you said Paddy. I--I thought you saiddaddy!"
NO TELLING
A rather patronizing individual from town was observing withconsiderable interest the operations of a farmer with whom he had put upfor a while.
As he watched the old man sow the seed in his field the man from thecity called out facetiously:
"Well done, old chap. You sow; I reap the fruits."
Whereupon the farmer grinned and replied:
"Maybe you will. I am sowing hemp."
A RECORD BREAKER
Along the Fox River, a few miles above Wedron, Ill., an old-timer namedAndy Haskins has a shack, and he has made most of the record fishcatches in that vicinity during forty years. He has a big record bookcontaining dates and weights to impress visitors.
Last summer a young married couple from Chicago camped in a luxuriouslodge three miles above old Haskins's place. A baby was born at thelodge, and the only scales the father could obtain on which to weigh thechild was that with which Andy Haskins had weighed all the big fish hehad caught in ten years.
The baby tipped the scales at thirty-five pounds!
EVIDENCE
Circumstantial evidence is not always conclusive. But certain kinds ofit cannot be disputed. In the following colloquy the policeman appearsto have the best of it.
"Not guilty, sir," replied the prisoner.
"Where did you find the prisoner?" asked the magistrate.
"In Trafalgar Square, sir," was the Bobby's reply.
"And what made you think he was intoxicated?"
"Well, sir, he was throwing his walking-stick into the basin of one ofthe fountains and trying to entice one of the stone lions to go andfetch it out again."
A FUTURE STATESMAN
All the talk of hyphenated citizenship has evidently had its effect upona San Francisco youngster, American born, who recently rebelled fiercelywhen his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor.
"But, Tomaso," said one of the family, "your father has a right to whipyou when you are bad."
Tomaso's eyes flashed. "I am a citizen of the United States," hedeclared. "Do you think that I am going to let any foreigner lick me?"
SMARTY!
William Dean Howells, at a dinner in Boston, said of modern Americanletters: "The average popular novel shows, on the novelist's part, anignorance of his trade, which reminds me of a New England clerk. In aNew England village I entered the main-street department store oneafternoon and said to the clerk at the book counter: 'Let me have,please, the "Letters of Charles Lamb".' 'Post-office right across thestreet, Mr. Lamb,' said the clerk, with a polite, brisk smile"
HOW TO TELL A WELL-BRED DOG
If he defies all the laws of natural beauty and symmetry,
If he has a disease calling for specialists,
If he cannot eat anything but Russian caviar and broiled sweetbreads,
If he costs more than a six-cylinder roadster,
If he must be bathed in rose water and fed out of a cutglass bowl,
If he cannot be touched by the naked hand, or patted more than twice aday,
If he refuses to wear anything but imported leather collars,
If he has to sleep on a silk cushion.
If he dies before you can get him home.
Then he is a well-bred dog.
TRY IT AND SEE
A few years ago, while watching a parade in Boston in which the Starsand Stripes were conspicuous, a fair foreigner with stronganti-American proclivities turned to a companion, and commenting on thedisplay, pettishly remarked:
"That American flag makes me sick. It looks just like a piece ofcheckerberry candy."
Senator Lodge, who was standing near by, overheard the remark, andturning to the young lady, said:
"Yes, miss, it does. And it makes everyone sick who tries to lick it."
WHAT HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN
Being well equipped physically, Michael Murphy had no difficulty inholding his job as village sexton, until the first interment, when hewas asked to sign the certificate. "Oi can't write," said Mike, and wasdischarged.
Out of a job, Mike turned to contracting and in time became wealthy anda figure in his community. When he applied to the leading bank for aloan of fifty thousand dollars, he was assured that he could get it--andwas asked to sign the necessary notes. Again he was obliged to reply:"Oi can't write."
The banker was astounded. "And you have accumulated all this wealth andposition without knowing how to write!" he exclaimed. "What would youhave been to-day if you could write?"
Mike paused a moment, and answered:
"Oi would have been a sexton."
CONCLUSIVE
Two Irishmen were working on the roof of a building one day when onemade a mis-step and fell to the ground; the other leaned over andcalled: "Are ye dead or alive, Mike?"
"I'm alive," said Mike, feebly.
"Sure, yer such a liar I don't know whether to believe ye or not."
"Well, then, I must be dead," said Mike, "for ye would never dare tocall me a liar if I were alive."
WHY NOT?
They were a very saving old couple, and as a result they had abeautifully furnished house. One day the old woman missed her husband."Joseph, where are you?" she called out.
"I'm resting in the parlor," came the reply.
"What, on the sofy?" cried the old woman, horrified.
"No, on the floor."
"Not on that grand carpet!" came in tones of anguish.
"No; I've rolled it up!"
HOW COULD HE KNOW?
The youth seated himself in the dentist's chair. He wore a wonderfulstriped shirt and a more wonderful checked suit and had the vacant stareof "nobody home" that goes with both.
The dentist looked at his assistant. "I am afraid to give him gas," hesaid.
"Why?" asked the assistant.
"Well," said the dentist, "how can I tell when he's unconscious?"
IN ADVANCE
In a rural court the old squire had made a ruling so unfair that threeyoung lawyers at once protested against such a miscarriage of justice.The squire immediately fined each of the lawyers five dollars forcontempt of court.
There was silence, and then an older lawyer walked slowly to the frontof the room and deposited a ten-dollar bill with the clerk. He thenaddressed the judge as follows:
"Your honor, I wish to state that I have twice as much contempt forthis court as any man in the room."
NO FREE ADVERTISING
A violinist was bitterly disappointed with the account of his recitalprinted in the paper of a small town.
"I told your man three or four times," complained the musician to theowner of the paper, "that the instrument I used was a genuineStradivarius, and in his story there was not a word about it, not aword."
Whereupon the owner said with a laugh: "That is as it should be. WhenMr. Stradivarius gets his fiddles advertised in my paper under ten centsa line, you come around and let me know."
WHY NOT?
Jimmie giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swamacross the Tiber three times before breakfast.
"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?"
"No, sir," answered Jimmie, "but I wonder why he did not make it fourand get back to the side where his clothes were."
THE SAME OLD HOURS
She was a widow who was trying to get in touch with her deceasedhusband.
The medium, after a good deal of futile work, said to her:
"The conditions this evening seem unfavorable. I can't seem to establishcommunication with Mr. Smith, ma'am."
"Well, I'm not surprised," said the widow, with a glance at the clock."It'
s only half-past eight now, and John never did show up till aboutthree A.M."
WHY NOT?
Private Jones was summoned to appear before his captain.
"Jones," said the officer, frowning darkly, "this gentleman complainsthat you have killed his dog."
"A dastardly trick," interrupted the owner of the dog, "to kill adefenseless animal that would harm no one!"
"Not much defenseless about him," chimed in the private, heatedly. "Hebit pretty freely into my leg, so I ran my bayonet into him."
"Nonsense!" answered the owner angrily. "He was a docile creature. Whydid you not defend yourself with the butt of your rifle?"
"Why didn't he bite me with his tail?" asked Private Jones, with spirit.
FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING
Dr. Harvey Wiley tells the following story: Sleepily, after a night off,a certain interne hastened to his hospital ward. The first patient was astout old Irishman.
"How goes it?" he inquired.
"Faith, it'sh me breathin', doctor. I can't get me breath at all, atall."
"Why, your pulse is normal. Let me examine the lung-action," replied thedoctor, kneeling beside the cot and laying his head on the ample chest.
"Now, let's hear you talk," he continued, closing his eyes andlistening.
"What'll Oi be sayin', doctor?"
"Oh, say anything. Count one, two, three, and up," murmured the interne,drowsily.
"Wan, two, three, four, five, six," began the patient. When the youngdoctor, with a start, opened his eyes, he was counting huskily: "Tinhundred an' sixty-nine, tin hundred an' sivinty, tin hundred an'sivinty-wan."
THE MAN HE LEFT BEHIND
An English storekeeper went to the war and left his clerk behind to lookafter things. When he was wounded and taken to the hospital, what washis surprise to find his clerk in the cot next to him.
"Well, I thought I left you to take care of the store," said thestorekeeper.
"You did," answered the clerk, "But you didn't tell me I had to lookafter your women folks as well as the store. I stood it as long as Icould and then I said to myself: 'Look here, if you've got to fight, youmight as well go and fight someone that you can hit.'"
SOME SPEED
It was a dull day in the trenches, and a bunch of Tommies had gatheredand were discussing events. After a while the talk turned on a big Bochewho had been captured the night before.
"He was scared stiff," said one Tommy.
"Did he run?" asked another.
"Run?" replied the first. "Why, if that Boche had had jest one featherin his hand he'd 'a' flew."
A DEEP-LAID PLAN
"Would you mind letting me off fifteen minutes early after this, sir?"asked the bookkeeper. "You see, I've moved into the suburbs and I can'tcatch my train unless I leave at a quarter before five o'clock."
"I suppose I'll have to," grumbled the boss; "but you should havethought of that before you moved."
"I did," confided the bookkeeper to the stenographer a little later,"and that's the reason I moved."
ONLY ONE THING FOR HIM
A three-hundred-pound man stood gazing longingly at the nice thingsdisplayed in a haberdasher's window for a marked-down sale. A friendstopped to inquire if he was thinking of buying shirts or pyjamas.
"Gosh, no!" replied the fat man wistfully. "The only thing that fits meready-made is a handkerchief."
A TEST OF FRIENDSHIP
Andy Foster, a well-known character in his native city, had recentlyshuffled off this mortal soil in destitute circumstances, although inhis earlier days he enjoyed financial prosperity.
A prominent merchant, an old friend of the family, attended the funeraland was visibly affected as he gazed for the last time on his old friendand associate.
The mourners were conspicuously few in number and some attention wasattracted by the sorrowing merchant. "The old gentleman was very dear toyou?" ventured one of the bearers after the funeral was over.
"Indeed, he was," answered the mourner. "Andy was one true friend. Henever asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew that he was practicallystarving to death."
BLISSFUL IGNORANCE
It was during the nerve-racking period of waiting for the signal to goover the top that a seasoned old sergeant noticed a young soldier freshfrom home visibly affected by the nearness of the coming fight. His facewas pale, his teeth chattering, and his knees tried to touch each other.It was sheer nervousness, but the sergeant thought it was sheer funk.
"Tompkins," he whispered, "is it trembling you are for your dirtyskin?"
"No, no, sergeant," said he, making a brave attempt to still his limbs."I'm trembling for the Germans; they don't know I'm here."
GRATEFUL TO THE DOCTOR
A Chinaman was asked if there were good doctors in China.
"Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "China have best doctors in world. HangChang one good doctor; he great; save life, to me."
"You don't say so! How was that?"
"Me velly bad," he said. "Me callee Doctor Han Kon. Give some medicine.Get velly, velly ill. Me callee Doctor San Sing. Give more medicine. Meglow worse--go die. Blimebly callee Doctor Hang Chang. He got no time;no come. Save life."
HE MIGHT BE, BUT SHE WASN'T
Dinah had been troubled with a toothache for some time before she got upenough courage to go to a dentist. The moment he touched her tooth shescreamed.
"What are you making such a noise for?" he demanded. "Don't you knowI'm a 'painless dentist'?"
"Well, sah," retorted Dinah, "mebbe yo' is painless, but Ah isn't."
A SPORTING PROPOSITION
An Arkansas man who intended to take up a homestead claim in aneighboring state sought information in the matter from a friend.
"I don't remember the exact wording of the law," said the latter, "but Ican give ye the meanin' of it all right. It's like this: The governmentof the United States is willin' to bet one hundred and sixty acres ofland against fourteen dollars that ye can't live on it five yearswithout starvin' to death."
THE PROPOSAL
He was a morbid youth and a nervous lover. Often had he wished to tellthe maiden how he longed to make her all his own. Again and again hadhis nerve failed him. But to-night there was a "do-or-die" look in hiseye.
They started for their usual walk, and rested awhile upon his favoriteseat--a gravestone in the village churchyard. A happy inspirationseized him. "Maria," he said in trembling accents--"Maria! When youdie--how should you like to be buried here with my name on the stoneover you?"
KNEW MORE ABOUT HENS THAN HISTORY
After reading the famous poem, "The Landing of the Pilgrim Fathers," tothe class, the teacher said: "As a drawing exercise suppose you eachdraw, according to your imagination, a picture of Plymouth Rock."
All but one little fellow set to work. He paused and finally raised hishand.
"What is it, Edgar?" the teacher asked.
"Please, ma'am," Edgar piped out, "do you want us to draw a hen or arooster?"
CHARITY
Bishop Penhurst was talking, in Boston, about charity.
"Some charities," he said, "remind me of the cold, proud, beautiful ladywho, glittering with diamonds, swept forth from a charity ball at dawn,crossed the frosty sidewalk, and entered her huge limousine.
"A beggar woman whined at the window:
"'Could ye give me a trifle for a cup of coffee, lady?'
"The lady looked at the beggar reproachfully.
"'Good gracious!' she said. 'Here you have the nerve to ask me for moneywhen I've been tangoing for you the whole night through! Home, James.'
"And she snapped the window shut in the beggar's face indignantly."
ADVICE TO MABEL
A London man just back from the States says that a little girl on thetrain to Pittsburgh was chewing gum. Not only that, but she insisted onpulling it out in long strings and letting it fall back into her mouthagain.
"Mabel!" said her mother in a horrified whisper. "Mabel, don't do that.Chew yo
ur gum like a little lady."
NOT A NATIVE
A New York man took a run not long ago into Connecticut, to a town wherehe had lived as a boy.
On his native heath he accosted a venerable old chap of some eightyyears, who proved to be the very person the Gothamite sought to answercertain inquiries concerning the place. As the conversation proceededthe New Yorker said:
"I suppose you have always lived around here?"
"No," said the old man, "I was born two good miles from here."
HE GOT IT TWICE
They were twins. It was bathing time and from the twins' bedroom camesounds of hearty laughter and loud crying. Their father went up to findthe cause.
"What's the matter up here?" he inquired.
The laughing twin pointed to his weeping brother. "Nothing," he giggled,"only nurse has given Alexander two baths and hasn't given me any atall."
TOO MUCH
One of the Scottish golf clubs gives a dinner each year to theyoungsters it employs as caddies. At the feast last year one of the boysdisdained to use any of the forks he found at his place, and loaded hisfood into himself with his knife. When the ice-cream course was reachedand he still used his knife, a boy who sat opposite to him, and whocould stand it no longer, shouted:
"Great Scot! Look at Skinny, usin' his iron all the way round!"
THE DIGNITIES OF OFFICE
This story--which is perhaps true and perhaps not--is being told in manyItalian messrooms. On one of his royal tours, King Victor Emmanuel spentthe night in a small country town, where the people showed themselvesunusually eager in caring for his comfort. So when he had gone to bed,he was surprised to be wakened by a servant who wanted to put cleansheets on his bed. However, he waited good-naturedly while it was done,and wished the servant good-night. He had dozed off to sleep, when hewas roused for the second time by a rap on the door; and the servantreappeared, asking to change the sheets again.
Naturally, the King asked why the change was made so often. The servantanswered reverently, "For oneself, one changes the sheets every week;for an honored friend, every day; but for a king, every hour."
FAME
A Long Island teacher was recounting the story of Red Riding Hood. Afterdescribing the woods and the wild animals that flourished therein, sheadded:
"Suddenly Red Riding Hood heard a great noise. She turned about, andwhat do you suppose she saw standing there, gazing at her and showingall its sharp, white teeth?"
"Teddy Roosevelt!" volunteered one of the boys.
NO PEACE FOR HIM
Willie was out walking with his mother, when she thought she saw a boyon the other side of the street making faces at her darling.
"Willie," asked mother, "is that horrid boy making faces at you?"
"He is," replied Willie, giving his coat a tug. "Now, mother, don'tstart any peace talk--you just hold my coat for about five minutes."
BOILED
Not long ago the editor of an English paper ordered a story of a certainlength, but when the story arrived he discovered that the author hadwritten several hundred words too many.
The paper was already late in going to press so there was noalternative--the story must be condensed to fit the allotted space.Therefore the last few paragraphs were cut down to a single sentence. Itread thus:
"The Earl took a Scotch high-ball, his hat, his departure, no notice ofhis pursuers, a revolver out of his hip pocket, and finally, his life."
FORCED INTO IT
Even the excessive politeness of some men may be explained on purelypractical grounds. Of a certain suburbanite, a friend said:
"I heard him speaking most beautifully of his wife to another lady onthe train just now. Rather unusual in a man these days."
"Not under the circumstances," said the other man. "That was a new cookhe was escorting out."
HOODOOED
Appealing to a lady for aid, an old darky told her that through theDayton flood he had lost everything he had in the world, including hiswife and six children.
"Why," said the lady, "I have seen you before and I have helped you.Were you not the colored man who told me you had lost your wife and sixchildren by the sinking of the _Titanic_?"
"Yeth, ma'am, dat wuz me. Mos' unfort'nit man dat eber wuz. Kain't keepa fam'ly nohow."
SAFE DEPOSIT
An old lady, who was sitting on the porch of a hotel at Asheville, NorthCarolina, where also there were a number of youngsters, was approachedby one of them with this query:
"Can you crack nuts?"
The old lady smiled and said: "No, my dear, I can't. I lost all my teethyears ago."
"Then," said the boy, extending two hands full of walnuts, "please holdthese while I go and get some more."
THE MATTER WITH KANSAS
Governor Capper, of Kansas, recently pointed out what he deemed to bethe "matter with Kansas." The average Kansan, he said, gets up in themorning in a house made in Michigan, at the sound of an alarm clock madein Illinois; puts on his Missouri overalls; washes his hands withCincinnati soap in a Pennsylvania basin; sits down to a Grand Rapidstable; eats Battle Creek breakfast food and Chicago bacon cooked on aMichigan range; puts New York harness on a span of Missouri mules andhitches them to a South Bend wagon, or starts up his Illinois tractorwith a Moline plow attached. After the day's work he rides down town ina Detroit automobile, buys a box of St. Louis candy for his wife, andspins back home, where he listens to music "canned" in New Jersey.
THE BETTER WAY
Charles M. Schwab, congratulated in Pittsburgh on a large war ordercontract which he had just received from one of the warring nations,said:
"Some people call it luck, but they are mistaken. Whatever success Ihave is due to hard work and not to luck.
"I remember a New York business man who crossed the ocean with me onewinter when the whole country was suffering from hard times.
"'And you. Mr. Schwab,' the New Yorker said, 'are, like the rest of us,I suppose, hoping for better things?'
"'No, my friend,' I replied. 'No, I am not hoping for better things.I've got my sleeves rolled up and I'm working for them.'"
A HORSE PSYCHOLOGIST
Twice as the horse-bus slowly wended its way up the steep hill the doorat the rear opened and slammed. At first those inside paid little heed,but the third time they demanded to know why they should be disturbed inthis fashion.
"Whist!" cautioned the driver. "Don't spake so loud. He'll overhear us."
"Who?"
"The hoss. Spake low. Shure Oo'm desavin' the crayture. Every toime he'ears th' door close he thinks wan o' yez is gettin' down ter walk upth' hill, an' that sort o' raises 'is sperrits."
STILL NOT SATISFIED
Mrs. Higgins was an incurable grumbler. She grumbled at everything andeveryone. But at last the vicar thought he had found something aboutwhich she could make no complaint; the old lady's crop of potatoes wascertainly the finest for miles round.
"Ah, for once you must be well pleased," he said, with a beaming smile,as he met her in the village street. "Everyone's saying how splendidyour potatoes are this year."
The old lady glowered at him as she answered:
"They're not so poor. But where's the bad ones for the pigs?"
A COAXER
The latest American church device for "raising the wind" is what areligious paper describes as "some collection-box." The inventor hailsfrom Oklahoma. If a member of the congregation drops in a twenty-fivecent piece or a coin of larger value, there is silence. If it is aten-cent piece a bell rings, a five-cent piece sounds a whistle, and acent fires a blank cartridge. If any one pretends to be asleep when thebox passes, it awakens him with a watchman's rattle, and a kodak takeshis portrait.
AUTOMATIC "EFFICIENCY"
A young lady telephone operator recently attended a watch-night serviceand fell asleep during the sermon. At the close the preacher said, "Wewill now sing hymn number three forty-one--three forty-one."
The young lady, just waking in
time to hear the number, yawned and said,"The line is busy."
THE WINNER
While Chopin probably did not time his "Minute Waltz" to exactly sixtyseconds, some auditors insist that it lives up to its name. Mme.Theodora Surkow-Ryder on one of her tours played the "Minute Waltz" asan encore, first telling her audience what it was. Thereupon a huge manin a large riding suit took out an immense silver watch, held it openalmost under her nose, and gravely proceeded to time her. The pianist'sfingers flew along the keys, and her anxiety was rewarded when the manclosed the watch with a loud slap and said in a booming voice: "Gosh!She's done it."
TAXED TO CAPACITY
A friendly American who has just arrived in London brings a story ofEdison. The great inventor was present at a dinner in New York to whichCount Bernstorff had also found his way. The Count spoke of the numberof new ships which Germany had built since the war began. He waslistened to respectfully enough, although a little coldly, because thesympathies of the party were not with him or Germany.
When he had stopped, Edison looked up and said in a still, small voice,and with a serious face:
"Must not the Kiel Canal be very crowded, your Excellency?"
GASTRONOMICAL
A man and a woman entered a cafe.
"Do you want oysters, Louise?" asked the man, as he glanced over thebill of fare.
"Yes, George," answered the woman, "and I want a hassock, too."
George nodded, and as he handed the waiter his written order, he said:
"Bring a hassock for the lady."
"Yes, sir," answered the waiter, "one hassock."
A moment later the waiter, apparently puzzled, approached the man, andleaning over him, said:
"Excuse me, sir, but I have only been here two days and do not want tomake any mistakes. Will the lady have the hassock broiled or fried?"
A LITERAL CENSOR
Joe T. Marshall, formerly of Kansas, recently became the father of aneight-pound boy, and wished to cable the news to his family in America.
The censor refused to allow the message to go through.
"What's the matter?" Marshall asked indignantly.
"We aren't permitted to announce the arrival of Americans in France!"
UP TO HIM
David Belasco was smiling at the extravagant attentions that arelavished by the rich upon pet dogs. He spoke of the canine operationsfor appendicitis, the canine tooth crownings, the canine wardrobes, andthen he said:
"How servants hate these pampered curs! At a house where I was callingone cold day the fat and pompous butler entered the drawing-room andsaid:
"'Did you ring, madam?'
"'Yes, Harrison, I wish you to take Fido out walking for two hours.'
"Harrison frowned slightly. 'But Fido won't follow me, madam,' he said.
"'Then, Harrison, you must follow Fido.'"
NOT IN THE TACTICS
A company of very new soldiers were out on a wide heath, practising theart of taking cover. The officer in charge of them turned to one of therawest of his men.
"Get down behind that hillock there," he ordered, sternly, "and mind,not a move or a sound!"
A few minutes later he looked around to see if they were all concealed,and, to his despair, observed something wriggling behind the smallmound. Even as he watched the movements became more frantic.
"I say, you there!" he shouted, angrily, "do you know you are giving ourposition away to the enemy?"
"Yes, sir," said the recruit, in a voice of cool desperation, "and doyou know that this is an anthill?"
A GUILTY CONSCIENCE
A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his town--somewhere in theSouth--was unfortunate enough to have a very dilatory laundress. Oneevening, when he was out for a practice run in his rather airy andabbreviated track costume, he chanced to dash past the house of thatdusky lady, who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with hiswashing.
He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang furiously and anexcited voice was wafted in from the porch:
"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not to go outno moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?'"
MAKING IT FIT
"Did you hear about the defacement of Mr. Skinner's tombstone?" askedMr. Brown a few days after the funeral of that eminent captain ofindustry.
"No, what was it?" inquired his neighbor curiously.
"Someone added the word 'friends' to the epitaph."
"What was the epitaph?"
"'He did his best.'"
A LESSON IN MANNERS
This is the way the agent got a lesson in manners. He called at abusiness office, and saw nobody but a prepossessing thoughcapable-appearing young woman.
"Where's the boss?" he asked abruptly.
"What is your business?" she asked politely.
"None of yours!" he snapped. "I got a proposition to lay before thisfirm, and I want to talk to somebody about it."
"And you would rather talk to a gentleman?"
"Yes."
"Well," answered the lady, smiling sweetly, "so would I. But it seemsthat it's impossible for either one of us to have our wish, so we'llhave to make the best of it. State your business, please!"
AN UNFORTUNATE AFFAIR
"Look here," yelled the infuriated bridegroom of a day, dashing wildlyinto the editor's room of the country weekly; "what do you mean by suchan infernal libel on me in your account of our wedding?"
"What's the matter?" asked the editor calmly. "Didn't we say that afteryour wedding tour you would make your home at the Old Manse?"
"Yes," howled the newly made benedict, "and just see how you've spelledit."
And the editor looked and read:
After their wedding tour the newly married couple will make their home at the Old Man's.