"And did it happen again?"
"Three or four more times. And I always kept still, because I only had one eye left to donate to the cause. Listen, are we done here or not?"
Tess moved to embrace her, but Betsy cringed back--like a vampire who sees a crucifix, Tess thought.
"Don't do that," Betsy said.
"But--"
"I know, I know, mucho thanks, solidarity, sisterhood forever, blah-blah-blah. I don't like to be hugged, that's all. Are we done here, or not?"
"We're done."
"Then go. And I'd throw that gun of yours in the river on your way back home. Did you burn the confession?"
"Yes. You bet."
Betsy nodded. "And I'll erase the message you left on my answering machine."
Tess walked away. She looked back once. Betsy Neal was still sitting on the bench. She had put her eye back in.
- 48 -
In her Expedition, Tess realized it might be an extremely good idea to delete her last few journeys from her GPS. She pushed the power button, and the screen brightened. Tom said: "Hello, Tess. I see we're taking a trip."
Tess finished making her deletions, then turned the GPS unit off again. No trip, not really; she was only going home. And she thought she could find the way by herself.
FAIR
EXTENSION
Streeter only saw the sign because he had to pull over and puke. He puked a lot now, and there was very little warning--sometimes a flutter of nausea, sometimes a brassy taste in the back of his mouth, and sometimes nothing at all; just urk and out it came, howdy-do. It made driving a risky proposition, yet he also drove a lot now, partly because he wouldn't be able to by late fall and partly because he had a lot to think about. He had always done his best thinking behind the wheel.
He was out on the Harris Avenue Extension, a broad thoroughfare that ran for two miles beside the Derry County Airport and the attendant businesses: mostly motels and warehouses. The Extension was busy during the daytime, because it connected Derry's west and east sides as well as servicing the airport, but in the evening it was nearly deserted. Streeter pulled over into the bike lane, snatched one of his plastic barf-bags from the pile of them on the passenger seat, dropped his face into it, and let fly. Dinner made an encore appearance. Or would have, if he'd had his eyes open. He didn't. Once you'd seen one bellyful of puke, you'd seen them all.
When the puking phase started, there hadn't been pain. Dr. Henderson had warned him that would change, and over the last week, it had. Not agony as yet; just a quick lightning-stroke up from the gut and into the throat, like acid indigestion. It came, then faded. But it would get worse. Dr. Henderson had told him that, too.
He raised his head from the bag, opened the glove compartment, took out a wire bread-tie, and secured his dinner before the smell could permeate the car. He looked to his right and saw a providential litter basket with a cheerful lop-eared hound on the side and a stenciled message reading DERRY DAWG SEZ "PUT LITTER IN ITS PLACE!"
Streeter got out, went to the Dawg Basket, and disposed of the latest ejecta from his failing body. The summer sun was setting red over the airport's flat (and currently deserted) acreage, and the shadow tacked to his heels was long and grotesquely thin. It was as if it were four months ahead of his body, and already fully ravaged by the cancer that would soon be eating him alive.
He turned back to his car and saw the sign across the road. At first--probably because his eyes were still watering--he thought it said HAIR EXTENSION. Then he blinked and saw it actually said FAIR EXTENSION. Below that, in smaller letters: fair price.
Fair extension, fair price. It sounded good, and almost made sense.
There was a gravel area on the far side of the Extension, outside the Cyclone fence marking the county airport's property. Lots of people set up roadside stands there during the busy hours of the day, because it was possible for customers to pull in without getting tailgated (if you were quick and remembered to use your blinker, that was). Streeter had lived his whole life in the little Maine city of Derry, and over the years he'd seen people selling fresh fiddleheads there in the spring, fresh berries and corn on the cob in the summer, and lobsters almost year-round. In mud season, a crazy old guy known as the Snowman took over the spot, selling scavenged knickknacks that had been lost in the winter and were revealed by the melting snow. Many years ago Streeter had bought a good-looking rag dolly from this man, intending to give it to his daughter May, who had been two or three back then. He made the mistake of telling Janet that he'd gotten it from the Snowman, and she made him throw it away. "Do you think we can boil a rag doll to kill the germs?" she asked. "Sometimes I wonder how a smart man can be so stupid."
Well, cancer didn't discriminate when it came to brains. Smart or stupid, he was about ready to leave the game and take off his uniform.
There was a card table set up where the Snowman had once displayed his wares. The pudgy man sitting behind it was shaded from the red rays of the lowering sun by a large yellow umbrella that was cocked at a rakish angle.
Streeter stood in front of his car for a minute, almost got in (the pudgy man had taken no notice of him; he appeared to be watching a small portable TV), and then curiosity got the better of him. He checked for traffic, saw none--the Extension was predictably dead at this hour, all the commuters at home eating dinner and taking their non-cancerous states for granted--and crossed the four empty lanes. His scrawny shadow, the Ghost of Streeter Yet to Come, trailed out behind him.
The pudgy man looked up. "Hello there," he said. Before he turned the TV off, Streeter had time to see the guy was watching Inside Edition. "How are we tonight?"
"Well, I don't know about you, but I've been better," Streeter said. "Kind of late to be selling, isn't it? Very little traffic out here after rush hour. It's the backside of the airport, you know. Nothing but freight deliveries. Passengers go in on Witcham Street."
"Yes," the pudgy man said, "but unfortunately, the zoning goes against little roadside businesses like mine on the busy side of the airport." He shook his head at the unfairness of the world. "I was going to close up and go home at seven, but I had a feeling one more prospect might come by."
Streeter looked at the table, saw no items for sale (unless the TV was), and smiled. "I can't really be a prospect, Mr.--?"
"George Elvid," the pudgy man said, standing and extending an equally pudgy hand.
Streeter shook with him. "Dave Streeter. And I can't really be a prospect, because I have no idea what you're selling. At first I thought the sign said hair extension."
"Do you want a hair extension?" Elvid asked, giving him a critical once-over. "I ask because yours seems to be thinning."
"And will soon be gone," Streeter said. "I'm on chemo."
"Oh my. Sorry."
"Thanks. Although what the point of chemo can be..." He shrugged. He marveled at how easy it was to say these things to a stranger. He hadn't even told his kids, although Janet knew, of course.
"Not much chance?" Elvid asked. There was simple sympathy in his voice--no more and no less--and Streeter felt his eyes fill with tears. Crying in front of Janet embarrassed him terribly, and he'd done it only twice. Here, with this stranger, it seemed all right. Nonetheless, he took his handkerchief from his back pocket and swiped his eyes with it. A small plane was coming in for a landing. Silhouetted against the red sun, it looked like a moving crucifix.
"No chance is what I'm hearing," Streeter said. "So I guess the chemo is just... I don't know..."
"Knee-jerk triage?"
Streeter laughed. "That's it exactly."
"Maybe you ought to consider trading the chemo for extra painkillers. Or, you could do a little business with me."
"As I started to say, I can't really be a prospect until I know what you're selling."
"Oh, well, most people would call it snake-oil," Elvid said, smiling and bouncing on the balls of his feet behind his table. Streeter noted with some fascination that, although George
Elvid was pudgy, his shadow was as thin and sick-looking as Streeter's own. He supposed everyone's shadow started to look sick as sunset approached, especially in August, when the end of the day was long and lingering and somehow not quite pleasant.
"I don't see the bottles," Streeter said.
Elvid tented his fingers on the table and leaned over them, looking suddenly businesslike. "I sell extensions," he said.
"Which makes the name of this particular road fortuitous."
"Never thought of it that way, but I suppose you're right. Although sometimes a cigar is just a smoke and a coincidence is just a coincidence. Everyone wants an extension, Mr. Streeter. If you were a young woman with a love of shopping, I'd offer you a credit extension. If you were a man with a small penis--genetics can be so cruel--I'd offer you a dick extension."
Streeter was amazed and amused by the baldness of it. For the first time in a month--since the diagnosis--he forgot he was suffering from an aggressive and extremely fast-moving form of cancer. "You're kidding."
"Oh, I'm a great kidder, but I never joke about business. I've sold dozens of dick extensions in my time, and was for awhile known in Arizona as El Pene Grande. I'm being totally honest, but, fortunately for me, I neither require nor expect you to believe it. Short men frequently want a height extension. If you did want more hair, Mr. Streeter, I'd be happy to sell you a hair extension."
"Could a man with a big nose--you know, like Jimmy Durante--get a smaller one?"
Elvid shook his head, smiling. "Now you're the one who's kidding. The answer is no. If you need a reduction, you have to go somewhere else. I specialize only in extensions, a very American product. I've sold love extensions, sometimes called potions, to the lovelorn, loan extensions to the cash-strapped--plenty of those in this economy--time extensions to those under some sort of deadline, and once an eye extension to a fellow who wanted to become an Air Force pilot and knew he couldn't pass the vision test."
Streeter was grinning, having fun. He would have said having fun was now out of reach, but life was full of surprises.
Elvid was also grinning, as if they were sharing an excellent joke. "And once," he said, "I swung a reality extension for a painter--very talented man--who was slipping into paranoid schizophrenia. That was expensive."
"How much? Dare I ask?"
"One of the fellow's paintings, which now graces my home. You'd know the name; famous in the Italian Renaissance. You probably studied him if you took an art appreciation course in college."
Streeter continued to grin, but he took a step back, just to be on the safe side. He had accepted the fact that he was going to die, but that didn't mean he wanted to do so today, at the hands of a possible escapee from the Juniper Hill asylum for the criminally insane in Augusta. "So what are we saying? That you're kind of... I don't know... immortal?"
"Very long-lived, certainly," Elvid said. "Which brings us to what I can do for you, I believe. You'd probably like a life extension."
"Can't be done, I suppose?" Streeter asked. Mentally he was calculating the distance back to his car, and how long it would take him to get there.
"Of course it can... for a price."
Streeter, who had played his share of Scrabble in his time, had already imagined the letters of Elvid's name on tiles and rearranged them. "Money? Or are we talking about my soul?"
Elvid flapped his hand and accompanied the gesture with a roguish roll of his eyes. "I wouldn't, as the saying goes, know a soul if it bit me on the buttocks. No, money's the answer, as it usually is. Fifteen percent of your income over the next fifteen years should do it. An agenting fee, you could call it."
"That's the length of my extension?" Streeter contemplated the idea of fifteen years with wistful greed. It seemed like a very long time, especially when he stacked it next to what actually lay ahead: six months of vomiting, increasing pain, coma, death. Plus an obituary that would undoubtedly include the phrase "after a long and courageous battle with cancer." Yada-yada, as they said on Seinfeld.
Elvid lifted his hands to his shoulders in an expansive who-knows gesture. "Might be twenty. Can't say for sure; this is not rocket science. But if you're expecting immortality, fuggeddaboudit. All I sell is fair extension. Best I can do."
"Works for me," Streeter said. The guy had cheered him up, and if he needed a straight man, Streeter was willing to oblige. Up to a point, anyway. Still smiling, he extended his hand across the card table. "Fifteen percent, fifteen years. Although I have to tell you, fifteen percent of an assistant bank manager's salary won't exactly put you behind the wheel of a Rolls-Royce. A Geo, maybe, but--"
"That's not quite all," Elvid said.
"Of course it isn't," Streeter said. He sighed and withdrew his hand. "Mr. Elvid, it's been very nice talking to you, you've put a shine on my evening, which I would have thought was impossible, and I hope you get help with your mental prob--"
"Hush, you stupid man," Elvid said, and although he was still smiling, there was nothing pleasant about it now. He suddenly seemed taller--at least three inches taller--and not so pudgy.
It's the light, Streeter thought. Sunset light is tricky. And the unpleasant smell he suddenly noticed was probably nothing but burnt aviation fuel, carried to this little graveled square outside the Cyclone fence by an errant puff of wind. It all made sense... but he hushed as instructed.
"Why does a man or woman need an extension? Have you ever asked yourself that?"
"Of course I have," Streeter said with a touch of asperity. "I work in a bank, Mr. Elvid--Derry Savings. People ask me for loan extensions all the time."
"Then you know that people need extensions to compensate for shortfalls --short credit, short dick, short sight, et cetera."
"Yeah, it's a short-ass world," Streeter said.
"Just so. But even things not there have weight. Negative weight, which is the worst kind. Weight lifted from you must go somewhere else. It's simple physics. Psychic physics, we could say."
Streeter studied Elvid with fascination. That momentary impression that the man was taller (and that there were too many teeth inside his smile) had gone. This was just a short, rotund fellow who probably had a green outpatient card in his wallet--if not from Juniper Hill, then from Acadia Mental Health in Bangor. If he had a wallet. He certainly had an extremely well-developed delusional geography, and that made him a fascinating study.
"Can I cut to the chase, Mr. Streeter?"
"Please."
"You have to transfer the weight. In words of one syllable, you have to do the dirty to someone else if the dirty is to be lifted from you."
"I see." And he did. Elvid was back on message, and the message was a classic.
"But it can't be just anyone. The old anonymous sacrifice has been tried, and it doesn't work. It has to be someone you hate. Is there someone you hate, Mr. Streeter?"
"I'm not too crazy about Kim Jong-il," Streeter said. "And I think jail's way too good for the evil bastards who blew up the USS Cole, but I don't suppose they'll ever--"
"Be serious or begone," Elvid said, and once again he seemed taller. Streeter wondered if this could be some peculiar side-effect of the medications he was taking.
"If you mean in my personal life, I don't hate anyone. There are people I don't like --Mrs. Denbrough next door puts out her garbage cans without the lids, and if a wind is blowing, crap ends up all over my law--"
"If I may misquote the late Dino Martino, Mr. Streeter, everybody hates somebody sometime."
"Will Rogers said--"
"He was a rope-twirling fabricator who wore his hat down around his eyes like a little kid playing cowboy. Besides, if you really hate nobody, we can't do business."
Streeter thought it over. He looked down at his shoes and spoke in a small voice he hardly recognized as his own. "I suppose I hate Tom Goodhugh."
"Who is he in your life?"
Streeter sighed. "My best friend since grammar school."
There was a moment of silence before
Elvid began bellowing laughter. He strode around his card table, clapped Streeter on the back (with a hand that felt cold and fingers that felt long and thin rather than short and pudgy), then strode back to his folding chair. He collapsed into it, still snorting and roaring. His face was red, and the tears streaming down his face also looked red--bloody, actually--in the sunset light.
"Your best... since grammar... oh, that's..."
Elvid could manage no more. He went into gales and howls and gut-shaking spasms, his chin (strangely sharp for such a chubby face) nodding and dipping at the innocent (but darkening) summer sky. At last he got himself under control. Streeter thought about offering his handkerchief, and decided he didn't want it on the extension salesman's skin.
"This is excellent, Mr. Streeter," he said. "We can do business."
"Gee, that's great," Streeter said, taking another step back. "I'm enjoying my extra fifteen years already. But I'm parked in the bike lane, and that's a traffic violation. I could get a ticket."
"I wouldn't worry about that," Elvid said. "As you may have noticed, not even a single civilian car has come along since we started dickering, let alone a minion of the Derry PD. Traffic never interferes when I get down to serious dealing with a serious man or woman; I see to it."
Streeter looked around uneasily. It was true. He could hear traffic over on Witcham Street, headed for Upmile Hill, but here, Derry was utterly deserted. Of course, he reminded himself, traffic's always light over here when the working day is done.
But absent? Completely absent? You might expect that at midnight, but not at seven-thirty PM.
"Tell me why you hate your best friend," Elvid invited.
Streeter reminded himself again that this man was crazy. Anything Elvid passed on wouldn't be believed. It was a liberating idea.