LETTER CII.
SHOWING THE INGENIOUS FINANCIAL ENERGY OF A GREATLY-REDUCED POLITICIAN; AND DESCRIBING A COMBAT, ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE PHILOSOPHICAL CONTENTMENT OF THE WELL-KNOWN SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY UNDER ALL REVERSES.
WASHINGTON, D.C., Dec. 17th, 1864.
It is a sublime thing, my boy,--a high moral and exciting thing,--tonote a wealthy nation's outburst of gratitude to Providence and ournational military organization, for a succession of Mackerel triumphswithout parallel either in history or her story. As I look abroad uponthe exulting hosts of our distracted fellow-countrymen from an upperfront window of Willard's,--having first wafted a fascinating salute tothe pleasing young woman of much back hair at a window across theavenue,--as I look abroad, my boy, upon this whole remarkable people, Iam deeply impressed with a sense of that beautiful, nationalcharacteristic which makes us all buoyant over Mackerel victories onlyas they bring us nearer to virtuous peace and universal brotherhood,and am convinced that our otherwise inexpressible thankfulness toHeaven may be divided into two equal parts:
I. An ardent desire to destroy combined Europe.
II. A disposition to set fire to combined Europe, bringing off thewomen and children in small boats.
Hah, hah! does combined Europe tremble? Does C. E. offer a certain sumto be let off?
"Shall I ever forget, my boy, the recent terrible remark of that grimold sea-dog, Rear Admiral Head, just after that late tremendous captureof Fort Piano, on Duck Lake, by the Mackerel Chalybeatesquadron,--shall I ever forget it?
"Chip my turret!" says that venerable salt, in his iron-platedmanner,--"Chip my turret if I couldn't take my flag-ship, the'_Aitch_,' and crush Europe like a perishing insect,--unrivet my platesif I couldn't!"
But why should I dwell upon the dreadful suggestions of a theme likethis? Europe--crowded Europe--millions of people--bright summermorning--everybody in the streets--Bang! whiz!--Great combinations ofthe Lieutenant General--Victoria and Louis N., do you surrender?--WeDO!
Solemnly do I say to you, my boy, let us mix plenty of this sort ofthing in our devout gratitude to Providence for His mercies to us as apeople, and henceforth we may confidently count upon the support ofProvidence--Rhode Island.
Fairly and benignantly shone the blessed sun over valley and hill onthe morning of that recent memorable day when I scaled thearchitectural heights of my Gothic Pegasus, and turned hisfront-elevation toward the Mackerel camp before the much-banged City ofParis. Brightly gleamed the fluted roof of my ancient pile of a steedas he went blithely forward on three legs, keeping one in reserve incase of accident: joyous was the alacrity with which he waltzed animitative earthquake and tossed his child's-coffin of a head. Theexhilaration of the motion, the proud sense of being borne again, mightultimately have plunged me into a delicious dream of being divided intotwo parts, my boy, had I not suddenly discovered, on the road-side,some twenty yards ahead of me, the figure of a being seated upon acamp-stool. Hastily dismounting from my architectural animal, and tyinghim to an oak in such a manner that he presented somewhat theperspective of a modest country church with a tree before the door, Istole carefully upon the being in my front, and found it to be theConservative Kentucky chap, engaged in the muscular game of "Bluff"with himself.
His venerable hat, my boy, sat far down over his ears, like some shabbybird of night just stooping to carry off two oysters; a curiousantiquity in the shape of a black stock loomed gloomily under his chin,as a memorial sepulchre in which some departed collar was supposed tobe sacredly entombed; his face was toward Kentucky, and in his hands hewas vivaciously shuffling a number of cards.
"Hum, hem!" soliloquized the Conservative Kentucky chap,complacently--"ten of spades--king of diamonds--king of hearts--ace ofclubs--ace of hearts--ace of"--
Here the Conservative Kentucky chap uttered an absolutely startlingcough and, at the same instant, passed three of the aces up his leftsleeve!
"Yes," said the Conservative Kentucky chap, still to himself, "thepasteboards are all right--hem!--it's your deal. Ah! ten is it?--I'llgo twenty better--forty--sixty! Hem! Ace and two Kings is it? Lookhere--three aces! Good-night, gents."--and the Conservative Kentuckychap at once sang, with triumphant and great effect:
"Four years the war have looked upon, But haven't brought the end meant; Nor anything except the Constitutional Amendment; Oh, Kentucky! an't this a go, Kentucky? Oh, Kentucky! an awful blow, Kentucky!"
As the last note of exquisite melody died away upon the air, I slappedhim on the shoulder, and says I:
"Well done, my son of Hoyle!"
The Conservative Kentucky chap sprang wildly to his feet, my boy,simultaneously "making a pass" of the cards into his pocket, andcommenced dancing insanely before me with a view of hiding from mynotice the four of clubs, which he had dropped to the ground and wasanxious to conceal in the mud.
"Ha! ha!" observed the Conservative Kentucky chap, somewhathysterically, in the midst of his dance; "of course you didn't see whatI was doing?"
Then it was, my boy, that I folded my arms after the manner of Hamlet,threw forward my right knee, shook my head profoundly thrice, andmurmured, with the poet:
"Were his old mother near him now, how would that mother grieve, To see two aces in his hand,--another up his sleeve."
"My mother!" exclaimed the Conservative Kentucky chap, suddenlydescending into Cimmerian gloom; "Kentucky is my mother, and from hermaternal fount I drew the old rye of my existence. But now, Kentuckybecomes a indigent pauper under the Constitutional Amendment and thefailure of the Bankrupt Bill, and I find myself compelled to take tobluff and poker in the prime of life." Here the poor chap made a movetoward tearing his hair, but thought better of it and only scratched apimple on his chin.
Arm in arm we walked slowly forward together, each busied with his ownthoughts, until, from a clump of trees by the road-side, thereunexpectedly emerged before us that ornament of our national serviceknown as Captain Bob Shorty, with his cap at a fierce cock, his handsin his pockets, and a supernaturally knowing air clothing him as with agarment.
"By all that's Federal!" said Captain Bob Shorty, starting at sight ofme, "if I didn't take you at first for that ere Confederacy of the nameof Munchausen, which has privately appointed to meet me here in singlecombat."
"Why then, really, you know," observed the Conservative Kentucky chap,suddenly coming forward and pleasantly rubbing his hands, "really itwould be a good plan for me to go forward and meet him with a view topeace negotiations. Being a Confederacy, he is Kentucky's brother,"warbled the Conservative chap, with soft enthusiasm, "and I might tellhim that you would pay all his debts, black his boots, run errands forhim, and send the President to tell him a little story, if he wouldgive up this conflict. Should he refuse, and even proceed to theextremity of kicking me," said the Conservative Kentucky chap, withawful sternness, "why, then, I should be in favor of letting the matterproceed to the bitter end,--as it had already in my own case."
"I am not aweer," observed Captain Bob Shorty, "that you have anybusiness in the matter at all, my old Trojan; but there's the road opento you."
It was beautiful, my boy,--touchingly beautiful, and withal unctuous,to observe with what a benignant smile the peaceful ConservativeKentucky Chap departed up the road. We saw him reach a turn in thepath, around which the sound of stately approaching footsteps wasalready becoming audible. We saw him turn it; heard all the footstepscease; heard a confused murmur,--a sharp scratching as of heels upongravel; and Kentucky's favorite son was observed to be coming again tohis place, with a slight limp in his walk.
Right behind him came a remarkable being attired in fragments of graycloth and a prodigious thicket of whiskers, through the latter of whichhis eyes glared yellowly, like the bottles in an apothecary's shop downthe street. As he approached nearer, he hastily put on a pair ofpartially-dissected white cotton gloves, and casually rearranged thestrip of carpet-binding which served him as a full-dress cravat.
"Yours, truly," said Captain Bob Shorty.
"Vandal!" hissed Captain Munchausen, removing from his brow anunexampled conglomeration of rags in the last stages of cap, andhanding it to a faithful contraband who attended him.
"Why, then," said Captain Bob Shorty, doffing his own cap, and tuckingup his sleeves, "in the name of the United States of America, I proposeto move upon your works immediately."
And now, my boy, do I particularly lament my lack of those unspeakableintellectual gifts, which enable the more refined reporters of all ourexcellent moral daily journals to describe the fistic achievements ofthe noted Arkansas Mule and celebrated Jersey Bantam in a manner thatdelights every well-conducted breakfast-table in the land, andfurnishes exquisite reading for private families.
Forward hopped Captain Bob Shorty, as though on springs,--his elbowsneatly squared, his fists held up like a couple of apples on sticks,and his head poised as though it had just started to look round acorner. With fists to match, and eyes shining like the bottoms of glassbottles, the wary Munchausen scuffles cautiously back from him in ahalf circle. Now they make skips toward each other; and now they skipback. Anon an arm is raised, and is parried; and then they balance topartners; and then they hop back.
I was gazing at all this, my boy, in speechless admiration, whensuddenly I saw the dexter hand of Captain Bob Shorty pierce the enemy'slines, and explode with tremendous force on Munchausen's nose. For amoment there was a sound as of Confederate blasphemy, but in a momentthe chivalric Munchausen was himself again.
"Ah!" said Captain Bob Shorty, agreeably, "did you see thestar-spangled banner that time?"
"Sir," said Munchausen, with tears in his eyes, "I am thankful that mynose _is_ broken. It is a blessing; for I had nothing to smell with it,and only wasted my strength in its special defence."
Here Captain Bob Shorty looked jovially at me, my boy, and says he, "Byall that's Federal! an't he jolly?"
"Come on to thy ruin," roared Munchausen from behind his rapidlyincreasing nose; and again the battle raged.
Now did Captain Bob Shorty sidle to the left, with a view to flanking;but two columns of the enemy met him there. Next the agile Munchausenattempts, by a quick turn, to take him in the rear of his position, butfinds a strong body of five divisions hurled upon his headquarters withan impetuosity that knocks out half his teeth.
"Art satisfied, Horatio?" said Captain Bob Shorty, with more or lessBowery Theatre in his manner.
An awful smile appeared upon what were left of the features of CaptainMunchausen. It was so full of scorn, you know.
"Sir," said he, with much chivalry of bearing, and some difficulty ofutterance, "my jaw may be broken, but I thank fate for it. It's a longtime since I had anything to eat with my mouth, and to defend it at allwas useless."
"Ha! ha! ha!" roared Captain Bob Shorty; "I really never did seeanything so jolly."
"Madman!" yelled Munchausen, "your destruction is decided!"
Then were all the skips and hops repeated, my boy; with such ornamentalbits of occasional fine art as the refined reporters of our excellentmoral daily journals love to dwell fondly upon. Were I but such areporter, I would describe the scene in a way to make you take it hometo your children. But let me not waste time in lamentation; for, justthen, a something heavy fell upon the right eye of Captain Munchausen,and effectually closed it for a week.
"Ah!" said Captain Bob Shorty, pleasantly, "did you count the starsupon our Flag that time, my grayback?"
"Sir," retorted Munchausen, staggering about, and wildly pullinghandfuls of imperceptible hair out of invisible heads in the air,--"Iconsider the loss of that eye a blessing in disguise; for I can nowconcentrate my WHOLE strength on the other."
"Well, now, really," said Captain Bob Shorty,--"really, you know, Inever see anything half so jolly."
"Extermination is now your doom," howled the Confederacy, reelingdeliberately forward upon the first fist he met, and falling heavily tothe ground with his other eye emphatically darkened.
Instantly was Captain Bob Shorty at his side, exclaiming, "I'm sorryfor this, old chap. I wish you'd only consented to stop before--EH?"ejaculated Captain Bob Shorty,--"what's that you say?"
As true as I live and breathe, my boy,--as true as I live andbreathe,--when Captain Bob Shorty put his ear to the mouth of thefallen Confederacy, he heard, slowly spoken, these remarkable words:
"I'm--glad--this--has--happened--because--I--can--now--develop--my--REAL--resources--of----strength!!!"
Yours, speechlessly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.