* * *
At some time near 3am I found myself awake and staring at the ceiling.
I could not recall how long I had been awake, as if gaining consciousness some time ago and realising only after a delayed reality shift.
This was followed by a rather profound disorientation.
The environment around me, completely unfamiliar, was forgotten as being Benny’s spare room, and try as I might the events that had brought me there were slipping my mind. It would soon be clear that this near inhibiting confusion was the lingering effects of four pills before bedtime.
Slowly the confusion developed into primal unease, as if my body were insistently aware of a danger my intellectual mind was not. The buzzing vibration in my head was once again declaring danger.
“There’s something nearby,” it said anxiously, “Beware!”
My eyes were suddenly wide open.
A presence felt only by instinct moments ago was now blindingly obvious. There was something nearby.
My first assumption was that my demon had snuck into the room while I slept. This would have been breaking the rules as far as I understood them, but logic was of little comfort in that moment.
Then I heard the giggle. Soft at first, as if from behind a closed window; a sort of classic female “tee hee hee.” Something at home on a children’s playground.
I lay still and listened, straining my ears to find the source of the noise. But the more I tried to focus the more abstract the sound became, as if eluding my intention of locating it.
Only then as my mind attempted to force itself clear from lingering haze, did it dawn on me what I was hearing. Realisation was like a bucket of ice in my shorts. Benny’s demon.
Tee hee hee…
Louder now. It had been identified, no reason to be coy.
Tee hee hee…
And closer. No longer abstract, it was in the apartment perhaps just in the adjoining room. Every muscle in my body was singing with adrenalin.
Tee hee hee…
Musical, joyful and pleasant, something heart-warming in other circumstances.
Tee hee hee…tee hee hee…
The Cupboard. It was in the cupboard ten metres from where I lay. The mental tagging of its position acted as solidification of danger and the warning buzz lifted into fever pitch. The response was automatic; a summoning of crackling energy along my arms and chest.
But thankfully another cupboard would not be falling victim to my panic that night. Instead words returned to me, fighting through the mental haze like a determined ship through foggy weather.
“Stay in control...” Benny had said.
I reached for my place of calm, a little ashamed I had not thought to do so earlier. But the calming memories would not be locked down. I grasped for them but it was like trying to snatch up a fish in murky water.
Tee hee hee…
I reached again and again, each failed attempt further increasing my panic.
All at once; a terrifying feeling of helplessness gripped me. What had previously been a task I performed with masterful ease had become impossible. My mind, once a reliable ally, had turned into an imprecise mess.
The painkillers.
It occurred to me with some amount of humourless irony that I had in my infinite wisdom been achieving exactly what occurred in a Magical Detention Centre; stunting my own natural abilities with drugs. Shackling my mind and leaving it powerless.
I closed my eyes, aware that I had started trembling, and strained to try and gain some kind of focus.
Tee hee hee… rattle rattle rattle… The cupboard door gave a shake as if someone inside were testing the handle.
As mist cleared by gentle winds a window of clarity opened in my foggy brain. I lunged at it and cautiously reached through. At last like a patient polar bear fishing through an ice hole, I snatched up my place of calm.
Anxiety and panic melted.
I noted that the principal of my place of calm remained firm, regardless of recent revelations as to the reality of my time spent under the table. It was as Selena had said; I had created a mental peg on which to hang calming thoughts, it was not necessarily the memories themselves that created calm.
From this new perspective and with clear mind I now tried to rationalise how Benny’s demon could be lurking freely. My understanding was that the exact reason for a Primary Crutch was to avoid this kind of situation. Either Benny was losing control or he had sent the creature to harass me intentionally.
I threw off my bed covers and stood, not so much as granting the cupboard a sideways glance.
Tee hee hee…
The taunt was ignored and I headed for the door. Upon opening it, much to my lack of surprise, I caught a glimpse of a small feminine figure shifting into a hiding place behind the dining room table. The same little girl in the cupboard, I had no doubt.
To my left sitting on a couch at the living room coffee table was Benny, his face illuminated by the soft glow of a lamp. His expression had every similarity to a man dealing with heroin withdrawal, complete with bulging eyes and dripping sweat. He did not look up as I stepped forward. Instead his focus remained fixed on the task at hand. And based on the feverish intensity with which he handled his tobacco I guessed time was running short.
Behind me my bedroom door slammed closed, an event accompanied by another now slightly distorted; tee hee hee.
Benny’s eye’s darted up but he made no attempt to acknowledge my presence. The cigarette was taking shape. Admittedly I rather hoped he would pick up the pace. Not in the least because two large tomes were working themselves free from the bookshelf, wiggling determinedly from side to side as they shifted ever closer to the shelf’s edge. From the kitchen came a loud crash as something shattered on the floor, and off to my right came the thump of a heavy object in the bathroom.
Again, now seen from the corner of my eye, a figure was glimpsed, first stepping from behind a wall, then darting quickly back out of sight.
Tee hee hee…
The giggle was directly behind my shoulder, as if from a mouth perhaps inches away. My nerves were starting to fray. The tenuous window of clarity in my mind wavered and threatened to close.
“Benny…”
He did not look up. “I know.”
“Hurry.”
“I know!”
Finally he raised the cigarette to his lips. It was not a beautiful specimen of a cigarette by any means, but the fact he had managed to roll it with shaking hands was a miracle.
Thud thud… the two books made it off the shelf and went spinning to the ground.
With jaw clenched in concentration Benny attempted the flame from fingertips spell, but failed to produce a result.
A chair skidded from its place at the dining room table and into a wall, connecting with such force that wood splintered and the backrest hung skew.
Tee hee hee…. Tee hee hee!
The giggle had become persistent, drifting from at least three different locations in the apartment.
Then I noticed the face. It was staring from the edge of the bathroom door, willing me to look in that direction. There was no question that if I did energy bolts would soon be flying as I defended against an all-out attack.
“Benny!”
The flame spluttered once and emerged, giving life to the cigarette. Benny took a deep drag and moaned. His expression of relief was bordering on orgasmic.
The giggling faded, and as was expected there was an easing of the atmosphere as light returned from an unannounced absence.
Silence.
I stood with nerves singing and stared mutely. I half expected Benny would break down and cry, or at least enter into a barrage of tearful apologies. Instead he began to chuckle. It was an action that already had me fearing for his mental stability, more so when the chuckling progressed into racks of uninhibited laughter, so fierce that he nearly toppled from the couch.
As the laughter subsided I stepped forward and sank int
o the couch across from him, letting go my place of calm as I did. The medicinal fog eagerly descended and settled in.
“Feeling okay?” I asked.
“Not bad,” he replied evenly.
There was a pause as he wiped laughter induced tears from his cheeks, then leaned and retrieved the cigarette from the floor.
“Burned the damn carpet again,” he muttered.
“Again? This happens often?”
His eyes swivelled up. There was a hesitation, but a weak grin presented itself as the official response.
“Hey, mistakes happen,” he said, “Guess I was a little careless.”
My every instinct told me he was lying, but it being 3am, my mind being as sharp as a spoon and me having to learn my own Primary Crutch in a few hours, I decided to let it drop.
“Fine. Guess I better get some sleep.”
I stood and stepped over the fallen books on my way back to bed.
Before returning to sleep I took the bottle of pills and tossed then unceremoniously out the window.