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I didn't have go to school on Monday because of my suspension. When I woke up, my mom was at work, and my little brother was at school. I spent the day sitting around the house reading and watching soap operas and trying not to think too much about Calvin. Then, around four o'clock, my mom came home with my little brother. Wouldn't you know it, the first thing she said to me when she walked in the front door was, "You had sex with Calvin's brother? What were you thinking?" I immediately thought to myself, God damned, Tammy has a big mouth.
I said, "What business is it of yours?"
She said, "Yeah, it's none of my business. You're the one who's screwing up a perfectly good relationship."
"And who told you, anyway?" I asked.
"I called Gina Bouchard to see what this fight was all about. Why would you do that, Macy? I thought you loved Calvin."
"Why do I have to explain anything to you?"
"'Cause you're my little girl, and I don't want to see you screwing up your life."
Now, it had started. She was already making her judgments and trying to say what a fuck-up I was.
I jumped up from where I was sitting on the couch and said, "What do you mean screwing up my life? We weren't married! We don't have kids! It's not like I'm getting divorced, Mom."
That stopped her for a second because she knew what I was talking about. She gave me an evil look, and took a deep breath. Then, raising her voice some more, she charged forward, stuck her finger in my face, and said, "Hey, you just screwed up a perfectly good relationship because you decided to sleep around—and with his brother for god's sake. All I'm trying to do is show you where you're making mistakes."
I yelled, "It wasn't a mistake, Mom. We weren't even going out at the time."
"Oh, so it must have been when you were out running around and doing coke with Lori. That's what that shit will do to you…turn you into a…"
"Shut up," I yelled, "Don't you even care how I feel right now?" I felt my eyes welling up with tears.
"How do you think I feel, Macy, when I have to call up your school to find out what's going on with you. And then they're telling me these stories…"
"Fuck those people, Mom! It's none of their damn business, either." Behind her, light was pouring through the open doorway, and I could see my little brother playing in the yard across the street.
"You don't even talk to me, Macy. How am I supposed to help you when you don't talk to me?"
"I don't need your help, Mom!"
I tried walking past her towards the front door, but she stepped in front of me and sneered, "Oh yes you do. Just look at the mess you've made, Macy. The least you could do is let me know about it so I can prepare myself for being embarrassed!" And there, she'd done it again, just like she always does. She'd gotten it turned around and was making it all about herself.
As we stood there eye to eye, I could see her nostrils flaring in and out from her breathing and the muscles twitching under her pudgy cheeks. I felt complete hopelessness. She went on, "Have you thought about that, Macy? I mean, what am I supposed to say the next time I see Calvin's mom in the store? What am I…" I stormed past her, through the front door and across the porch, and started walking down the steps. She followed me saying, "Oh, okay, so you're just gonna leave. You're just gonna run away from your problems like you always do…"
I felt rage charging up my throat. I wheeled around and screamed at the top of my voice, "It's not my problem, Mom. It's your problem! You're the one with the fucking problem, not me!"
She stood in the doorway and said, "Oh really, well I'm not the one who got suspended for five days. I'm not the one going around trying to beat people up. So why don't you explain to me how it's my problem. Tell me, Macy. Tell me how…"
I turned and walked down the steps into the front yard and stood there with my back to her while she lectured me from the doorway. Eventually, she quit talking and shut the door. A moment later, she had the door open again and was calling Justin to come in. I watched him run across the street and slow down when he got to our yard. He marched up the sidewalk kind of hanging his head and eyeing me with a goofy, sheepish grin on his face. I waited to see if my mom had anything else to say. She didn't. Then I heard the door shut, and I was alone.
I walked around the side of the house towards the back yard, wiping the tears off my face, trying to cool off. I thought to myself, She had to call Mrs. Bouchard. She's so fucking nosey. She had to go find out for herself. I could imagine Mrs. Bouchard explaining it to my mom, trying to sound concerned and acting like it's really important that my mom should know this. I bet she ran straight to Tammy's office as soon as she hung up the phone and they both had a good laugh. I bet that's all they talked about the whole day—Macy fucked Calvin's brother. Big deal. But of course for them, I'm sure it was the most exciting thing to happen in two months. They were probably telling everybody in the whole fucking town about it, now. I could just hear Tammy talking shit about me and my mother and blaming what I did on her, because that's how she was—judgmental, always acting like she was better than everyone else.
The reason I put off telling my mom was because I knew how she'd react, and I didn't wanna deal with it. Now she was worried, mostly about herself of course, and it was gonna be one question after another until she found out everything she needed to know. I was going to have to justify and defend myself while she pointed out all my mistakes and threw them back in my face. Damn, all I wanted was some sympathy…from someone, or at least to be left alone. I'd just lost my boyfriend, and the only thing my mom could say was that it was my fault. It was just like Lori and Alley the night before, going on and on about Corena. I didn't give a fuck about Corena or what it was that made her do what she did, but that's all they wanted to talk about. And with my mom, it always seemed like whatever problem I had would somehow become a bigger problem for her. So now I had to help her cope with my problem and deal with all this added stress. It seemed like I could never just worry about myself.
I knew! I knew exactly how my mom would react, and I knew exactly what she'd say. But just because the things people are saying may be true, it doesn't give them the right to rub it in your face. I mean, yeah, I'd wrecked everything, and there were some things I didn't even wanna think about—like Calvin and his brother. His brother was a sweet guy, and he and Calvin were real tight. I knew Calvin would be real pissed off at him, and I couldn't even begin to imagine the hurt I'd caused. All I could think was that everyone in that whole house must be cursing my name. And yes, it was all my fucking fault.
I stood there in my back yard, still wearing my pajamas, thinking about how Calvin had managed to forgive me the first time I cheated on him. We never talked about it, not once. Calvin didn't want to. But when we got back together, I thought it showed just what type of person he was. He was able to forgive me and take me back despite the fact that everyone in the whole school knew what I had done. I wondered what Calvin thought of me now. I could hear him explaining it to people, and I knew what he'd say—that I did him dirty, that I was a dirty person, and now he knows, and it's all on me. But the second time wasn't even cheating. I didn't know we were gonna get back together.
Then I started thinking about all the kids at school and the things they'd be saying and how I wouldn't even be there to defend myself. I was dreading going back to school, dreading seeing Calvin, who hadn't even called, and Corena and Sierra. I thought about all the other kids and the stupid questions I was gonna have to answer. I knew everyone would be expecting me to walk into school and start swinging on Corena, and I knew they'd be disappointed if I didn't. And it wouldn't be because they had some particular opinion about what Corena did, but because…well, you know how kids are, they just want to see a good fight. And no one was going to understand how sad I was.