Chapter 9
Friday, I went back to school. I made my mom drop me off as close to seven thirty as possible because I didn't want to be hanging out, waiting for class to start, and having to talk to people. As soon as I got out of her car, I could feel myself tighten and my blood starting to race a little. I was thinking, Don't act nervous, while my eyes made a sweep of the place to see who was outside. I walked between the cars to the sidewalk and headed towards the front of the school. Some freshmen girls were standing outside watching me as I walked towards them. They started whispering to each other, looking at me and then whispering, as if they could care less what I might think—like they had no manners, the little bitches. Then I saw this dirty dweeb Karl Knott standing by the doors of the school huddled up in this oversized coat he was always wearing. He was watching me the whole time I approached with a knowing smile—the kind of smile only total rejects like him ever try to pull off, like he knows something you don't. He seemed to be waiting for me, but I knew he wasn't because he was always standing there, damn near every day. As I got close to the doors of the school, he reached over and pulled one open for me. I gave him a little nod and said, "Thanks Karl," but my voice sounded bitter. As I stepped through the door, I started getting this incredible sinking feeling in my stomach.
It was the same inside the school with people eyeing me like I'd just come back from juvy hall or something. It was like they were checking me out to see if I'd changed, seeing if I had any scars. I knew it'd be like that, and it didn't bother me. I was worried about other things. I was thinking to myself, Just throw your purse in your locker, grab your book, and go to homeroom. But then, as I walked through the double doors into the hallway, I saw him. His head was moving around above everyone else's. He was talking to K.P. and some other basketball players, smiling and looking relaxed and cool. He looked down the hall at me and our eyes met, but just for a second. Then he looked back at the guys he was talking to and kept smiling and nodding his head as if seeing me didn't phase him one bit. I went to my locker, opened the door, and stood there staring into the darkness. I could feel my stomach heaving in and out in big breaths. Slowly, I turned my head and looked down the hall to where he was standing. He was getting a book out of his locker, pulling one from the bottom of the stack and holding the others so they wouldn't fall. He got it out, shut the door, and started walking towards Mrs. Marino's room jabbering away at K.P. the whole time.
When I came out of current events, Calvin was at his locker again talking to K.P. and Cecil. I knew he saw me out of the corner of his eye, but as I walked by, he turned and started digging around in his locker. K.P. and Cecil were looking right at me, though, and with sly smiles, almost giggling to themselves just to see me. K.P. made a big point of saying, "Hey, Macy girl," in a real warm, friendly tone. Cecil said, "Well, hello, Macy," in this white man's voice he'd use when he was trying to be funny. I gave them a little nod and went straight to my locker. I opened the door and stuck my hands inside and acted like I was organizing things in there. I reached into the back and started pulling out crap out I didn't even wanna touch—candy wrappers and leaking pens—until I was sure they'd left the hall. Then I went to the bathroom, washed my hands, and walked back down the hall to Kearns's room.
That's how it was gonna be, I figured, with Calvin pretending I didn't exist, just like the last time we broke up. I'd been wanting to call him all week, or at least, I thought about it a lot. I didn't because I was convinced I knew how it'd go. In fact, every time I imagined what the conversation would be like, I kept hearing him say the same things: that I was a bullshit person, a liar, a sneaky little bitch, and that he should've ditched me a long time ago. I'd gone through it so many times that it started to seem like it really happened. All I wanted was to tell him I was sorry, but I was afraid to hear the things he'd say back to me.
Seemed like every time I turned around that day, in the hallway or in class, I'd see Sierra Brand scowling at me. I noticed she still had a bit of a black eye from where I hit her. She was really a sweet person, really annoying, but not mean like a lot of other girls at that school. And god, she was so big and muscular. She was one of those big, burly softball players, the kind of girl who looked funny in a dress and who was never going to look feminine. I bet she felt bad about getting beat up by someone my size. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and make up with her, but I didn't want her to start thinking we were friends…and she was the type who would.
I didn't see Corena in Algebra 2 and figured she wasn't at school that day. I wasn't looking forward to seeing her, that's for sure, but I was anxious to get it over with, and it was starting to seem like I was gonna have to wait until Monday. But then, when Lori and I were coming back from lunch and walking up the sidewalk towards the school, Corena suddenly burst through the front doors and started marching down the sidewalk right towards us. She looked agitated, like she was in a hurry to get somewhere, and she was moving quickly with wisps of her silky, tan hair blowing back over her shoulders. It took me by surprise, and my mind was racing, wondering what I was gonna do. But she didn't even look at us, was acting like she didn't see us. She stared at the ground as if she was thinking about something, then she looked up, stared straight ahead, and blew right past like she was on her way to take care of some important business.
I knew she'd seen me, she had to. She probably saw me through the glass doors from inside the school and decided she was gonna put on this act and avoid me. And when I realized what she was doing, it made me angry, real angry, to think she was gonna pretend I didn't exist. Because she was awful damn bold when she chose to talk behind my back and steal my boyfriend. Now, she didn't even have the guts to acknowledge it was me who she'd hurt and that I might be expecting some sort of explanation. I felt all kinds of mean, nasty words forming in my mouth. And even though she was trying to avoid me, I knew that all I had to do was say one thing to her, anything, and it'd be on.
I could see it in her walk—the aggression. It didn't matter what she was feeling at the moment. I knew how she was. If I'd said something to her, she'd only respond one way—with hateful words and fists. With just a couple words, she'd be in my face spitting and screaming, and within seconds, we'd be in an all out fist fight. And it got me thinking that maybe I could get away with it—maybe we could just have it out right here and I wouldn't get kicked out of school. Because, you see, it'd be mostly me acting in self defense. And maybe Tammy wouldn't threaten me with a lawsuit or come at me with whatever crazy bullshit she has for people who dare to hit her daughter.
I wanted to say something to Corena so bad, and I could feel myself tightening up all over. With a sickening fury, I looked over my shoulder and watched her march to her car, hop in, and slam the door. When she fired up the engine and started backing out of her parking space, I felt hate begin to pour out of my body. It was a strange sensation because the hate wasn't directed just at Corena, but at everyone and everything—at the people inside the school, at the building itself, and the entire town I was living in. More than anything, I was hating myself because I knew I'd just caved in to fear.
Corena had left. I was standing outside the front doors of the school feeling queasy, feeling like my joints were made of rubber, wishing I could go home. Lori said, "I wonder where she's going," and stood there looking at me and smacking her gum like she was waiting for an answer. All I could think about was running to the bathroom, locking myself in a stall, and crying. She asked, "Hey, you wanna skip?" I was about to say, yes, but then we heard Chelsea and Tamiah yelling at us. They were running up the sidewalk acting all happy and wound up and glad to see us. Chelsea ran over, put her arms around us, and said, "All right, baby…Two more classes, and then whadya say we go get FUCKED UP!" I let myself be dragged into the building, hoping no one would notice the emotion that must've been covering my face. Later that day, we scored some alcohol, bought some pot, then went to Alley's house and got wasted.