shall receive the money for the same. Pleaseth you walk with me down to his house, I will discharge my bond and thank you too.”
At that moment the local Antipholus and his servant enter the square. The Police Officer that has been called in to arrest Angelo spots them first. “That labour may you save: see where he comes.”
Antipholus has not seen the small group yet, and instructs his servant, “While I go to the goldsmith's house, go thou And buy a rope's end: that will I bestow among my wife and her confederates, For locking me out of my doors by day. But, soft! I see the goldsmith. Get thee gone; Buy thou a rope and bring it home to me.”
“I buy a thousand pound a year: I buy a rope.” With that, Dromio is off on his mission.
Just then Antipholus sees the other men, and addresses Angelo, “A man is well holp up that trusts to you: I promised your presence and the chain; But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me. Belike you thought our love would last too long, If it were chain'd together, and therefore came not.”
Angela is not amused, knowing that he has already delivered the gold chain. “Saving your merry humour, here's the note How much your chain weighs to the utmost carat, The fineness of the gold and chargeful fashion. Which doth amount to three odd ducats more Than I stand debted to this gentleman: I pray you, see him presently discharged, For he is bound to sea and stays but for it.”
“I am not furnish'd with the present money; Besides, I have some business in the town. Good signior, take the stranger to my house And with you take the chain and bid my wife Disburse the sum on the receipt thereof: Perchance I will be there as soon as you.”
“Then you will bring the chain to her yourself?”
“No; bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.”
“Well, sir, I will. Have you the chain about you?”
“An if I have not, sir, I hope you have; Or else you may return without your money.”
“Nay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain: Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman, And I, to blame, have held him here too long.”
“Good Lord! you use this dalliance to excuse Your breach of promise to the Porpentine. I should have chid you for not bringing it, But, like a shrew, you first begin to brawl.”
The second merchant is getting nervous about getting paid and being able to depart on time. “The hour steals on; I pray you, sir, dispatch.”
Angela addresses the group roughly, “You hear how he importunes me;--the chain!”
And Antipholus responds just as angrily, “Why, give it to my wife and fetch your money.”
“Come, come, you know I gave it you even now. Either send the chain or send me by some token.”
“Fie, now you run this humour out of breath, where's the chain? I pray you, let me see it.”
The other merchant interrupts their bickering. “My business cannot brook this dalliance. Good sir, say whether you'll answer me or no: If not, I'll leave him to the officer.”
“I answer you! what should I answer you?”
Angelo practically shouts the words, “The money that you owe me for the chain.”
“I owe you none till I receive the chain.”
“You know I gave it you half an hour since.”
“You gave me none: you wrong me much to say so.”
“You wrong me more, sir, in denying it: Consider how it stands upon my credit.”
The merchant has had enough. “Well, officer, arrest him at my suit.”
The officer has little choice in the matter. “I do; and charge you in the duke's name to obey me.”
Angelo turns back to Antipholus. “This touches me in reputation. Either consent to pay this sum for me Or I attach you by this officer.”
“Consent to pay thee that I never had! Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou darest.”
“Here is thy fee; arrest him, officer, I would not spare my brother in this case, If he should scorn me so apparently.”
Now the officer turns to Antipholus. “I do arrest you, sir: you hear the suit.”
“I do obey thee till I give thee bail. But, sirrah, you shall buy this sport as dear As all the metal in your shop will answer.”
“Sir, sir, I will have law in Ephesus,To your notorious shame; I doubt it not.”
Just then the visiting Dromio comes up from the bay and spies the local Antipholus, and mistakes him for his master. “Master, there is a bark of Epidamnum That stays but till her owner comes aboard, And then, sir, she bears away. Our fraughtage, sir, I have convey'd aboard; and I have bought The oil, the balsamum and aqua-vitae. The ship is in her trim; the merry wind Blows fair from land: they stay for nought at all But for their owner, master, and yourself.”
Antipholus cannot understand Dromio’s words. “How now! a madman! Why, thou peevish sheep, What ship of Epidamnum stays for me?”
“A ship you sent me to, to hire waftage.”
“Thou drunken slave, I sent thee for a rope; And told thee to what purpose and what end.”
“You sent me for a rope's end as soon: You sent me to the bay, sir, for a bark.”
“I will debate this matter at more leisure And teach your ears to list me with more heed. To Adriana, villain, hie thee straight: Give her this key, and tell her, in the desk That's cover'd o'er with Turkish tapestry, There is a purse of ducats; let her send it: Tell her I am arrested in the street And that shall bail me; hie thee, slave, be gone! On, officer, to prison till it come.”
Dromio watches as “his master” goes off with the merchants and the police officer. “To Adriana! that is where we dined, Where Dowsabel did claim me for her husband. Thither I must, although against my will, For servants must their masters' minds fulfil.” With that, he reluctantly heads back to the house.
SCENE EIGHT
Adriana and Luciana enter their home. Adriana is very sad at her sister’s recent disclosure about “her husband’s” advances. “Ah, Luciana, did he tempt thee so? Mightst thou perceive austerely in his eye That he did plead in earnest? yea or no? Look'd he or red or pale, or sad or merrily? What observation madest thou in this case Of his heart's meteors tilting in his face?”
Luciana nods reluctantly. “First he denied you had in him no right.”
“He meant he did me none; the more my spite.”
“Then swore he that he was a stranger here.”
“And true he swore, though yet forsworn he were.”
“Then pleaded I for you.”
“And what said he?”
“That love I begg'd for you he begg'd of me.”
“With what persuasion did he tempt thy love?”
“With words that in an honest suit might move. First he did praise my beauty, then my speech.”
“Didst speak him fair?”
“Have patience, I beseech.”
“I cannot, nor I will not, hold me still; My tongue, though not my heart, shall have his will. He is deformed, crooked, old and sere, Ill-faced, worse bodied, shapeless everywhere; Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind; Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.”
“Who would be jealous then of such a one? No evil lost is wail'd when it is gone.”
“Ah, but I think him better than I say, And yet would herein others' eyes were worse. Far from her nest the lapwing cries away: My heart prays for him, though my tongue do curse.”
At that moment the visiting Dromio arrives, with the message from Adriana’s husband. “Here! go; the desk, the purse! sweet, now, make haste.”
“How hast thou lost thy breath?
“By running fast.”
Adriana addresses him rudely, “Where is thy master, Dromio? is he well?”
Dromio is clearly confused by all that he has witnessed. “No, he's in Tartar limbo, worse than hell. A devil in an everlasting garment hath him; One whose hard heart is button'd up with steel; A fiend, a fury, pitiless and rough; A wolf, nay, worse, a fellow all in buff; A back-friend, a shoulder-clapper, one that countermands The passages of alleys, creeks and narrow lands; A hound that runs c
ounter and yet draws dryfoot well; One that before the judgement carries poor souls to hell.”
“Why, man, what is the matter?”
“I do not know the matter: he is 'rested on the case.”
“What, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit.”
“I know not at whose suit he is arrested well; But he's in a suit of buff which 'rested him, that can I tell. Will you send him, mistress, redemption, the money in his desk?”
“Go fetch it, sister.” Luciana leaves to do her sister’s bidding and Adrianna turns her attention back to Dromio. “This I wonder at, That he, unknown to me, should be in debt. Tell me, was he arrested on a band?”
“Not on a band, but on a stronger thing; A chain, a chain! Do you not hear it ring?”
“What, the chain?”
“No, no, the bell: 'tis time that I were gone: It was two ere I left him, and now the clock strikes one.”
“The hours come back! that did I never hear.”
“O, yes; if any hour meet a sergeant, a' turns back for very fear.”
“As if Time were in debt! how fondly dost thou reason!”
“Time is a very bankrupt, and owes more than he's worth, to season. Nay, he's a thief too: have you not heard men say That Time comes stealing on by night and day? If Time be in debt and theft, and a sergeant in the way, Hath he not reason to turn back an hour in a day?”
Luciana returns with a purse, Adriana hands it to the servant in front of her. “Go, Dromio; there's the money, bear it straight; And bring thy master home immediately. Come, sister: I am press'd down with conceit-- Conceit, my comfort and my injury.”
As Dromio leaves with the money, the two bewildered sisters return inside their home.
SCENE NINE
Antipholus of Syracuse enters the square, grumbling to himself, “There's not a man I meet but doth salute me As if I were their well-acquainted friend; And every one doth call me by my name. Some tender money to me; some invite me; Some other give me thanks for kindnesses; Some offer me commodities to buy: Even now a tailor call'd me in his shop And show'd me silks that he had bought for me, And therewithal took measure of my body. Sure, these are but imaginary wiles And Lapland sorcerers inhabit here.”
Dromio of Syracuse approaches his master. “Master, here's the gold you sent me for. What, have you got the picture of old Adam new-apparelled?”
Antipholus has no idea of the mission Dromio has just returned from. “What gold is this? what Adam dost thou mean?”
“Not that Adam that kept the Paradise but that Adam that keeps the prison: he that goes in the calf's skin that was killed for the Prodigal; he that came behind you, sir, like an evil angel, and bid you forsake your liberty.
“I understand thee not.”
“No? why, 'tis a plain case: he that went, like a bass-viol, in a case of leather; the man, sir, that, when gentlemen are tired, gives them a sob and 'rests them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed men and gives them suits of durance; he that sets up his rest to do more exploits with his mace than a morris-pike.”
“What, thou meanest an officer?”
“Ay, sir, the sergeant of the band, he that brings any man to answer it that breaks his band; one that thinks a man always going to bed, and says, 'God give you good rest!'”
“Well, sir, there rest in your foolery. Is there any…”
“Why, sir, I brought you word an hour since that the bark Expedition put forth to-night; and then were you hindered by the sergeant, to tarry for the hoy Delay. Here are the angels that you sent for to deliver you.”
“The fellow is distract, and so am I; And here we wander in illusions: Some blessed power deliver us from hence!”
A courtesan (lady of the night) enters the square, interrupting the confused conversation between Antipholus of Syracuse and his servant. “Well met, well met, Master Antipholus. I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now: Is that the chain you promised me to-day?”
Never having seen her before, Antipholus is more than a bit taken aback by her words. “Satan, avoid! I charge thee, tempt me not.”
Dromio responds in confusion, “Master, is this Mistress Satan?”
“It is the devil.”
“Nay, she is worse, she is the devil's dam; and here she comes in the habit of a light wench…It is written, they appear to men like angels of light: light is an effect of fire, and fire will burn; ergo, light wenches will burn. Come not near her.”
The Courtesan interrupts Dromio and Antipholus, “Your man and you are marvelous merry, sir. Will you go with me? We'll mend our dinner here?”
Dromio gives his master some advice, “Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat; or bespeak a long spoon.”
Antipholus is confused by his suggestion. “Why, Dromio?”
“Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.”
“Avoid then, fiend! what tell'st thou me of supping? Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress: I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.”
The Courtesan interrupts their merriment with her own demand, “Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner, Or, for my diamond, the chain you promised, And I'll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.”
Dromio continues his running commentary. “Some devils ask but the parings of one's nail, A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin, A nut, a cherry-stone; But she, more covetous, would have a chain. Master, be wise: an if you give it her, The devil will shake her chain and fright us with it.”
“I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain: I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.”
Antipholus had had enough. “Come, Dromio, let us go.”
Dromio is more than ready to leave the area. “'Fly pride,' says the peacock: mistress, that you know.”
With that Antipholus and Dromio of Syracuse quickly depart the square, leaving an angry woman behind. “Now, out of doubt Antipholus is mad, Else would he never so demean himself. A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats, And for the same he promised me a chain: Both one and other he denies me now. The reason that I gather he is mad, Besides this present instance of his rage, Is a mad tale he told to-day at dinner, Of his own doors being shut against his entrance. Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits, On purpose shut the doors against his way. My way is now to hie home to his house, And tell his wife that, being lunatic, He rush'd into my house and took perforce My ring away. This course I fittest choose; For forty ducats is too much to lose.”
SCENE TEN
Antipholus of Ephesus walks down the street with a police officer, whom he addresses, “Fear me not, man; I will not break away: I'll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money, To warrant thee, as I am 'rested for. My wife is in a wayward mood to-day, And will not lightly trust the messenger That I should be attach'd in Ephesus, I tell you, 'twill sound harshly in her ears.”
Antipholus’ sees his servant Dromio walking towards them. “Here comes my man; I think he brings the money. How now, sir! have you that I sent you for?”
Dromio is carrying the rope he as previously sent for (by the other Antipholus). “Here's that, I warrant you, will pay them all.”
“But where's the money?”
“Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.”
“Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?”
“I'll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.”
“To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?”
“To a rope's-end, sir; and to that end am I returned.”
“And to that end, sir, I will welcome you.” With that, Antipholus beats his servant.
The officer moves towards Antipholus. “Good sir, be patient.”
Dromio disagrees with that suggestion for his master. “Nay, 'tis for me to be patient; I am in adversity.”
“Good, now, hold thy tongue.
“Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.”
Antipholus is still angry with his servant. “Thou senseless villain!”
“I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel y
our blows.
“Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.”
“I am an ass, indeed; you may prove it by my long ears. I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me with beating; I am waked with it when I sleep; raised with it when I sit; driven out of doors with it when I go from home; welcomed home with it when I return; nay, I bear it on my shoulders, as a beggar wont her brat; and, I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.”
“Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.”
At that moment Adriana, Luciana, the Courtesan, and Dr. Pinch arrive. Dromio begs them for assistance, “Mistress, 'respice finem,' respect your end; or rather, the prophecy like the parrot, 'beware the rope's-end.'”
Antipholus strikes him again angrily. “Wilt thou still talk?”
The Courtesan approaches Adriana. “How say you now? Is not your husband mad?”
“His incivility confirms no less. Good Doctor Dr. Pinch, you are a conjurer; Establish him in his true sense again, And I will please you what you will demand.”
Luciana agrees with her sister. “Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!”
Dr. Pinch approaches Antipholus of Ephesus , instructing him, “Give me your hand and let me feel your pulse.”
Antipholus strikes Dr. Pinch. “There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.”
Dr. Pinch addresses him harshly, “I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man, To yield possession to my holy prayers And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight: I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven!”
Antipholus’ anger continues. “Peace, doting wizard, peace! I am not mad.”
Adriana addresses her husband in concern, “O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!”
“You minion, you, are these your customers? Did this companion with the saffron face Revel and feast it at my house to-day, Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut And I denied to enter in my house?”
“O husband, God doth know you dined at home; Where would you had remain'd until this time, Free from these slanders and this open shame!”
Antipholus turns angrily to his servant. “Dined at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?”
Dromio responds meekly to his master’s outburst, “Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.”
“Were not my doors lock'd up and I shut out?”
“Perdie, your doors were lock'd and you shut out.”
“And did not she herself revile me there?”
“Sans fable, she herself reviled you there.”
“Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?”
“Certes, she did; the kitchen-vestal scorn'd you.”
“And did not I in rage depart from thence?”
“In verity you did; my bones bear witness, That since have felt the vigour of his rage.”
Adriana turns again to Dr. Pinch. “Is't good to soothe him in these contraries?”
“It is no shame: the fellow finds his vein, And yielding to him humours well his frenzy.”
Antipholus looks angrily at his wife. “Thou hast suborn'd the goldsmith to arrest me.”
Adriana doesn’t understand her husband’s accusations. “Alas, I sent you money to redeem you, By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.”
Dromio interrupts them quickly. “Money by me! heart and goodwill you might;