I was half convinced Caleb was about to dump me. I’d styled my hair for the first time in months. I wore an old pair of jeans, but went shopping earlier this week for a new blue sweater. I thought it was cute, but now that I was here, I worried it was boring. There was another girl around my age wearing a red dress I would’ve thought too sexy for a prison visit. Her matching lipstick was a lot bolder than the pink lip gloss I’d applied to my own mouth.
I’d come clean with Gage about what happened with Josh. Before driving me here, he’d wanted to know what my boyfriend and Ian had done to wind up in juvie. I’d have liked to introduce Caleb to Gage. I didn’t want Caleb to think there was more than friendship between me and my new guy friend.
Then again, Caleb could end up dumping me today and it would no longer be an issue.
Getting through the security checkpoints had been more involved than I would’ve thought. A guard had rifled through my purse and jacket pockets, even searching the box of chocolates I’d brought for Caleb, before patting me down. It’d been a female guard, so it didn’t seem too intrusive.
From what I’d seen of the facility, the place was a little dismal. Everything seemed so cold and orderly. I hated that Caleb was stuck in here. The visitation room was filled with small tables scattered in the center and benches lining one side of the room. The motivational posters covering one wall had mountains, a kitten and a rocky beach on them.
The one titled Courage with a picture of a penguin jumping off an iceberg cliff fitted my cowardly feelings. If a penguin could jump off a cliff into freezing water, surely I could face the guy I loved.
Some moments were so important they burned into a girl’s memory forever. After so long apart, meeting Caleb’s hazel eyes across the visitation room instantly became one of those.
CALEB
The kid behind me nudged my shoulder as I stood still in the doorway. It had taken only a heartbeat for me to recognize her, despite the darker hair. She looked incredibly beautiful.
She also looked scared.
With a deep breath ending on a whoosh, I approached the table she sat at. The expression in those pretty blue eyes was a mixture of nervous and cautious. The pink staining her cheeks charmed me, but I didn’t like her discomfort. Even in our changed circumstances, we were still us.
She got to her feet as I rounded the table, pulling her up for a brief hug. We were only allowed a hug at the beginning and end of a visitation. I wouldn’t miss either of my chances. Fuck, she smelled like perfection. With her face tucked into my chest and my eyes squeezed shut, I could pretend for those short seconds nothing bad had happened to my girl.
Reaching for her hand, I took the seat across from her. I wanted her right next to me, but it was against the rules. Normally, breaking the rules wouldn’t bother me but I couldn’t risk them banning Gianna from visiting again. Besides, they had her down as my stepsister. The things I’d be tempted to do with her next to me would raise eyebrows.
Her palm was so soft as it trembled in my larger one. Covering it with my other hand, I gave her a reassuring squeeze.
“How are you, Caleb?” she asked, looking shyly at the tabletop.
“Good, now that you’re here,” I answered while handing her the gift bag. “Happy Valentine’s Day, princess.”
Her smile was small as she took the bag. Reaching in, she began pulling out the painting. “Oh!” Her smile grew and her eyes lit up. “I remember this! It’s really good, Caleb. Thank you.”
“Next year I’ll take you somewhere special for Valentine’s Day.”
Her lashes dropped, shielding her thoughts from me. Placing the painting carefully onto the table, she pushed a giant, heart-shaped box of chocolates toward me. “I got you something, too.”
Pulling off the lid, I popped one into my mouth. “Almost as delicious as your-”
“Shh!” she interrupted, blue eyes bugging out of her head.
I glanced down at her chest and mustered an innocent expression. “What? I was gonna say...lips.”
“Caleb,” she began hesitantly.
From her face, I guessed I wouldn’t like what she would say next. Changing the subject, I said, “Ian is going to be so jealous and I’m not sharing.”
Her dark blond brows drew closer. “I thought you two were friends now.” Her gaze darted to where Ian sat with a girl wearing a skintight red dress that showcased long legs I thankfully didn’t ever remember having wrapped around me.
“Ugh, maybe.” I devoured two chocolates at once. “But he’s still a prick.”
Catching Ian’s eyes, Gianna waved at him. He winked in response. Definitely a prick. “Is that girl related to him?” she asked, knowing the visitation guidelines.
“A second cousin,” I told her with a straight face.
Gianna took in the lustful look the girl gave Ian. “Ew!”
I chuckled at her disgusted demeanor. “I’m surprised your mom didn’t come with you to visit me.”
“Ha, ha,” she replied, a grin curling her pretty pink lips. “Actually, you remember my friend Gage I told you about on the phone last weekend?”
“Yes,” I confirmed slowly.
“He gave me a ride. He’s parked outside, waiting for me.”
Waiting for her. I hated the sound of that. I was the one waiting for her. Waiting for the freedom to kiss her anytime I chose. Waiting for the feel of her naked body against mine. Waiting to be inside her again.
I couldn’t completely hate this Gage guy. After all, he did bring my girl to me. “He touches you, I kick in his face the minute I’m out of here.”
Fidgeting nervously, Gianna whispered, “Caleb, he’s just a friend.”
“Tell me you love me,” I ordered her.
Her face relaxed, features softening. “I love you, Caleb.”
I leaned in so our foreheads touched. “I’m glad you came, pretty girl.”
“Really?”
I didn’t like the surprise on her face.
Scanning the room to make sure the guards weren’t paying attention, I tilted her chin up to steal a quick kiss. “Of course. I’ve missed you. Six more months and we won’t have to be apart ever again.”
“Really?” she repeated, tears glistening, making her eyes shine like aquamarines.
Screw the guards.
Gianna tensed as my lips met hers, parting her mouth at my coaxing. The kiss went deeper as I got lost in everything Gianna. A guard tapping my shoulder brought me back to reality and I reluctantly pulled away. Breathing hard, Gianna flashed an embarrassed look at the guard, muttering an apology.
It was encouraging for the future that she’d only stiffened at the beginning of our kiss. A few hours with Dr. Adler had been spent discussing the continuation of mine and Gianna’s sex life after I was released. I hoped for things to return to normal, but Dr. Adler had warned that Gianna may be hesitant.
With us now behaving, the guard walked back to his post against a wall and I squeezed Gianna’s hand. “Sorry, I got a little carried away.”
Her lashes lowered again. “You still want me like that?” she questioned softly.
“I always will. Nothing could change that. I love you, Gianna.”
She leaned back in the plastic chair, pulling her hand from mine. “I’m not the same, Caleb.”
Reaching up, I fingered a strand of her darker hair. “Yes, you are.”
Her head shook in an attempt to deny my words. “Is there a restroom I can use?”
“A guard will show you....” I said, trailing off as she jumped off the bench, already heading straight for a guard stationed near the door.
GIANNA
Leaning against a stall door in the women’s restroom, I managed to breathe through my anxiety, holding off a full-blown panic attack. Every time I freaked out, it got easier to deal with. The guard had escorted me out of there before I’d completely spazzed out in front of Caleb. I was trying to be the girl he met and dreaded him witnessing how pathetic I’d become.
&n
bsp; In front of the sink, I studied the polished stainless steel sheet mounted to the wall which served as a mirror. Wiping a finger under both eyes mostly fixed my smudged makeup. I really did want to look pretty for Caleb, but when I looked in the mirror all I saw was ugly. I’d even worn my nicest heeled boots in a stupid attempt at being attractive.
I felt like a fraud. My mom was wrong. I was the one who wasn’t good enough for Caleb.
Exiting the bathroom, the guard escorted me back to visitation. Caleb had to hate being treated that way. I was only getting a small taste of what life was like for him in here.
I stopped by Ian’s table on my way back to Caleb. Ian rose to his feet with a warm smile, pulling me into a hug. “How you doing, beautiful?”
Ignoring his concerned look, I forced myself to appear cheerful. “Really good, Ian. I can’t wait till you and Caleb get out of here.”
Rubbing my back, he gestured to the girl who glared at me. “This is my friend, uh, Trisha.”
“Hi,” I offered. After an awkward moment where she simply stared unhappily at me, I said, “See you later, Ian.”
Ian glowered at his cousin, or whatever, as if he were about to bitch her out. “Yeah, sure, next time you come.”
Hugs from Caleb and Ian didn’t bother me, but the thought of sharing more than a kiss with Caleb scared me.
CALEB
“I like your hair,” I told Gianna as she returned to her seat. It was a total lie. I wanted her as she was naturally, but I figured females liked to try new hair colors and the men in their life were duty bound to compliment the changes.
“Thanks. I like your hair, too.” She reached out to stroke the fuzz on my head. Her touch was as nice as I’d imagined earlier. “And you look bigger,” she remarked, scanning my chest and arms.
“Working out helps kill time.”
“I have a session with the crew this afternoon.”
Shifting in my seat, I thought of Jared lying in wait. “Any big plans tonight?”
She shrugged, picking a chocolate out of the box. “Gage wants to see a movie. I’ll probably ask Cece if her and Dante want to come.”
“Like a double date?” I asked in disbelief.
“No,” she drawled irritably. “Not like a date, like friends hanging out.”
“Say you love me again,” I commanded.
She huffed, faking annoyance. “I love you, sometimes.”
“Brat,” I teased. “My brat.”
“Ten minutes!” a guard announced to the room.
“Shit!” I hissed, my chest weighted at the prospect of being separated from her again.
“I’m sorry,” Gianna whispered. “It’s my fault you’re in here.”
“It’s not your fault.” I played with her fingers, wanting to hold onto her and never let go. “Just promise you’ll come back soon.”
“I promise, Caleb.”
“This sucks.” Memorizing her face, I realized six more months would feel like a lifetime in purgatory. “I want lots of pictures.”
“I’ll send them,” she assured me with a squeeze of my hand.
“I’m gonna miss the fuck out of you until you come again.”
“Soon, I promise.”
“Stand up so I can kiss you again.”
My pretty girl complied and I held on to her until a guard ordered me to back off.
Us inmates filed out first. I took a last look back at her. I expected her to be doing the same, but her head was in her hands.
The gesture alarmed me and I was jittery for the next couple hours. At the first opportunity, I requested phone time. Pulling a piece of paper from my pocket, I dialed the number Ian had written on it for me.
He answered on the fourth ring. “Hello.”
“Gage?”
“Who’s this?”
“Gianna’s boyfriend, Caleb.”
“Oh,” he said slowly as recognition hit. “Why are you calling me?”
“So, you’re Kara’s brother?”
“Yeah. So you’re the one who’s paying me?”
“No, Ian’s the one with the fat wallet. I’m just the boyfriend who got a hold of Kara so she could help find someone to enroll at Gianna’s new school.”
“What that Josh guy did to her messed with her head.”
Dr. Adler often urged me to get past my anger. She asked the impossible. “Yeah, well next time I put that fucker in the hospital, I’ll make sure it’s the basement morgue.”
Gage grunted, whether in censure or agreement I wasn’t sure.
In a rough voice, I warned him, “Listen, I only need you to watch out for her until I get out of here in August. Under no circumstances let her find out Ian and I hired you. If that happens, she’ll pull away from the friendship. From what Dante has said, she isn’t opening up to Cece, so your other job is to get her to open up to you.”
“Hey, it’s no hardship, man. I hated Broomfield anyways and it was time for a change of scenery. Living with my grandma is better than living with my parents. Besides, Gianna is a cool girl and I like hanging out with her.”
It killed me that he got to spend that time with her. “Just remember, you’re getting paid to look out for her, so don’t be stupid enough to fall for her. She’s my girlfriend and she’ll still belong to me when I get the fuck out of here.”
CHAPTER FIVE
“Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today.
-James Dean
MAY
seven months down, three to go....
CALEB
Gianna would be going to prom with someone else. I hung up the phone, leaning back in my chair as I exhaled deeply. It had taken all my control to hold back my displeasure when Gianna told me over the phone she’d be attending prom with Gage.
Instead of raging or whining, asking her not to go to prom at all since it wouldn’t be with me, I’d encouraged her to go. Miraculously, I hadn’t choked on the words. Assuring her I wanted her to go next weekend and have fun had been difficult.
The judge should let me out of here early for my self-sacrifice and I should be nominated for sainthood. Surely some priest would be awed by the miracle which just occurred. I must be a god damn saint to have encouraged my girlfriend to go to prom with another guy.
The thought of his hands around her waist, the front of their bodies touching as they danced or him taking her out to a nice restaurant beforehand, had me wanting to punch a wall.
As much as I’d been tempted to demand she stay home that night, I knew Gianna going to prom was a big step in her recovery. In a twisted way, I reluctantly felt gratitude toward Gage for convincing her to attend.
I phoned Gage every Monday afternoon to get an update on my girl. During the calls, he answered any questions I’d thought up. Even when I acted like a stalker, asking what she wore that day or what she’d eaten. Despite talking to her most weekends, I had a desperate need to know everything she’d been up to and whether or not she seemed to be improving.
According to both her and Gage, life for Gianna had been drama free. Gage claimed she seemed happier and less introverted at school since he’d started there. I’d called him out on his feelings for her a couple of times, threatening him with bloody harm. The guy swore only purely platonic feelings existed on both sides. On release from juvie, if there were stars in Gage’s eyes when he looked at my girlfriend, I’d make sure those stars moved above his head when I knocked his ass out.
So far the guy was a good investment of Ian’s money.
Gianna had visited me several more times since February. Each time, she appeared less uncomfortable around me. But that could be wishful thinking on my part, because she was nowhere near like she used to be. The old Gianna had always been ready to throw down verbally with me at the smallest provocation. Maybe I wasn’t the same as I used to be around her either.
Each time she left, it got harder to let her go. Not that I had any choice. The end of visiting time was like everything else in my life right now,
totally out of my control.
It was embarrassing and emasculating for Gianna to see me like this, not even in control of when I ate or showered. Dictated to on how much I was allowed to touch my girlfriend.
If I was a selfless person, I might have set her free to find someone more deserving of her, a guy who wasn’t a loser locked up in juvie. However, I was a selfish bastard and I’d never willingly let her go. She was my girl, the only girl I wanted, and when I got out of here I could reinvent myself into the kind of guy who deserved her.
A glance at the caged clock above the door told me I had thirty minutes before my mom would arrive for visitation. For awhile there, I’d wondered if my parents were getting back together. With so many joint visits, I’d had reason to suspect. When my dad told me a couple months ago that my parents were going to start taking turns visiting me, I’d ruled reconciliation out. At least they seemed on friendlier terms than they’d been since their divorce.
The Saturday before my birthday in March, both my parents and Gianna had visited me on the same day. It was the first time my mom had seen her since the attack and she’d started crying, making Gianna the encounter awkward. My dad had skillfully diverted my mom’s attention, saving Gianna from further tears.
For Gianna’s birthday in April, I’d asked my mom to have a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to her house. The following Saturday Gianna had visited in a upbeat mood. At that time, I’d presented her with a self-portrait of me which Ms. Singh had instructed me to paint.
Getting to my feet, I motioned through the open doorway to the guard that I was finished and left the private room designated for phone privileges. The same guard accompanied me to the art room, where I grabbed my most recent paintings and piled them carefully on top of each other. For months I’d spent all my free time in here, painting dozens of works.