“That must be it,” Jumper agreed.
They approached a man who was sitting at a table, looking unhappy.
“What is your problem?” Olive inquired.
“I have a useless talent,” he replied. “I can turn gold into lead.”
“But have you tried reverse wood?” she asked, evidently remembering her prior success with the girl who turned wine to water.
“Yes, and it enables me to turn lead into gold. But nobody wants either gold or lead anymore; they have all they want from the Gold Coast, and they tell me to get the lead out. So what use is my talent?”
That stumped them. “We don’t know,” Olive said. They came next to a woman sitting in a deck chair. She looked ordinary, and not satisfied, though she had very nice legs. “What is your talent?” Olive asked.
“I have freak-out knees,” the woman said. “But they work only on men. I want to freak out women too.”
That explained why they hadn’t noticed, as they were a party of five females and a spider. Actually she did have very shapely knees, for a human, with good flesh and bone, surely quite tasty. But Jumper did not normally freak out at the sight of edible joints.
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folk don’t appreciate what they have. They are unhappy because they want more.”
“Like us?” Wenda asked.
That made them pause. “Are we missing something obvious?”
Haughty asked. “Something these other folk are showing us?”
“We must be,” Olive said. “As bold smart querists we aren’t much.”
“Querists? You used that term before. I don’t know it.”
“People who ask questions,” Maeve translated. “Inquirers.”
“Let’s keep pondering it as we go,” Jumper suggested. “Something may occur to us.”
The next person they encountered was a woman who seemed ordinary. “Hello,” Olive said. “I am—”
“Don’t get too close to me,” the woman said, making a face. “I’m about to— ahh, ahh—”
“I’m sorry,” Olive said, stepping back. “We don’t mean to intrude.”
Then the woman sneezed. “CHOO!” It was a hard sneeze. In fact, her whole head flew off, bounced on the ground, and rolled into the brush. Her body was left wandering aimlessly.
“Here!” the head called. “I’m over here!” But the body had no eyes or ears, so it could neither see nor hear.
Jumper reached down to pick up the head, carefully. He brought it to the body and set it on the neck.
“Thank you,” the restored woman said. “I am Miss Gesundheit. It is my curse to sneeze my head off.”
“We noticed,” Jumper said. “That must be incon ve nient.”
“It’s awful. That’s what brought me here to see the Good Magician. He’s going to glue my head on more securely, after I complete my Ser vice.”
This did not seem promising either. They moved on. Then next was another woman, this one older. She looked really down.
Olive approached her. “Hello. We—”
“Don’t touch me!” the woman said. “It’s contagious.”
Again, Olive stepped back, cautioned by their experience with the last woman. “What do you have?”
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“I am Auntie Depressant. Touch me and you will feel better, but then much worse when the effect wears off. It is better simply to stay clear.”
That seemed like good advice. They moved on, and came to half a crowd of people having a party.
A man staggered toward them. “Welcome to the Cate Family picnic,” he said. “I am Intoxi Cate, who makes revelers happy. This is my brother Impli, who is a lawyer for the offense, and my other brother Vindi, who is a lawyer for the defense. And here is Recipro, always quick to return a favor. Things are always interesting here.”
“Thank you,” Olive said smoothly. “But we’re just passing through.”
The next group was no better. This was the Burr Family, with Tim who could make wood appear from nowhere, but was always falling over. Lim made things limber, but at the moment he was experimenting with cheese, and it stank. Slum made folk sleepy. Num could always make the right number needed. Encum tended to weigh things down. Har made good places for boats. Em made hot coals. Unfortunately these were not the talents the group needed. They moved on, and encountered the Tard Family. Pe Tard knew all about green, black-eyed, and chickpeas. Mus Tard tended to make a hot tasting mess of things. Bus Tard was a big black and yellow bird capable of carry ing 66 passengers.
That interested them. “Could you carry five winsome maidens and a large spider across the moat?” Olive asked.
“I could,” Bus agreed.
Wenda pounced. “Wood you?”
“I would.”
They seemed to have solved their problem. They got on Bus’s back, where there were con ve nient seats. “We’re ready,” Olive said. But the big bird didn’t move.
“What’s the matter?” Olive asked.
“I will get around to it in due course,” Bus replied. “I never hurry.”
Uh-oh. “When?”
“Maybe in three days.”
“That translates to tardy,” Maeve said. “It figures.”
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“We don’t have three days,” Olive protested.
“Or longer,” the bird said lackadaisically. “I never arrive on time. It’s a matter of principle.”
They got off, realizing that this was after all a false lead. They huddled together for a conference. “I suspect all the remaining people will be similarly useless,” Jumper said. “Those that could help us probably won’t.”
“But then how can we get across?” Phanta asked. “We don’t seem to have a ghost of a chance.”
The others smiled. Phanta knew about ghosts. But she was right: they were getting nowhere.
“There must be a way,” Olive said. “Something we have overlooked. But if any who can help won’t, the way Bus Tard won’t, we’re still stuck. Unless . . .” She paused as a bulb flashed over her head.
“Unless what, you perverse t**se?” Haughty demanded.
“I don’t think tease is a bad word,” Maeve murmured.
“It depends who you are teasing, with what,” Phanta said. Jumper remembered how she had teased the innkeeper, and decided to untease him.
“Unless someone
doesn’t know he can help,” Olive said. “And
maybe could be persuaded to help without knowing.”
“He?” Haughty asked. “Who?”
“Ian. The boy with the talent of pushing water away from his body.”
“What good is that? He surely couldn’t push the whole moat out of its basin.”
“He doesn’t need to. Let me talk to him.”
But something was bothering Jumper. “It took two of us to get through the first Challenge. Maeve to distract the goblins, and Wenda to recognize and hurl the stink horn. If that’s a pattern, it will take two to get across the moat, and two more to handle the third Challenge. If Olive has figured out the key, we still need to select another person to work with the boy.”
“Haughty,” Olive said promptly. “He likes her.”
“Well I don’t like brat boys,” Haughty said. “Maybe we should wait until night and let Hottie tackle him.”
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“I think not,” Phanta said. “The Adult Conspiracy prevents.”
“Oh, p**s on the Adult Conspiracy!”
“Puns,” Maeve translated. “A truly vile concept.”
Jumper wondered, as he had before, whether her translations were completely accurate. But probably it didn’t matter. It was the sentiment that
counted.
Haughty let her feathers settle back in place. “Exactly what do you have in mind, Olive?”
“If he can repel water from his body, what would happen if he jumped in the moat?”
“He would make a dent in it,” Haughty said. “So what?”
“Suppose he walked through it?”
“A traveling dent.”
“Suppose he walked across it?”
“It’s too deep in the center. The water would close over his head, forming a bubble.”
“Or a tunnel, if the effect lingered,” Olive said. “One we might use.”
Haughty reluctantly nodded. “But what could I do?”
“You could charm him into doing it. He doesn’t need to know where he is going; you could encourage him step by step.”
“But I don’t even like him!” Haughty protested. “I don’t like any boy.”
“You don’t need to. What counts is that he likes you, and maybe will listen to you.”
“I’d rather p**p on his head!”
“Pulp,” Maeve murmured.
“Try to restrain yourself,” Olive said, smiling. “You must be the sweetest, nicest, most encouraging harpy ever.”
“Gah!”
But the others were starting to see it. “It just might work,” Phanta said. “If the boy doesn’t know what we’re doing, he can’t be tardy or balky. If Haughty truly charms him.”
They all looked at Haughty, who withered. “All right, d**n it! I’ll do it. But you’ll have to tell me how. It’s bad enough just looking nice, let alone acting nice. To a boy, yet.”
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They worked on it. “Smile at him every time you speak,” Phanta said. “Pretend you are absolutely fascinated by his every word.”
“Keep facing him, and inhale often,” Wenda said. “Boys are knot supposed to notice, but they dew.”
“When you feel like cursing, change to its opposite,” Maeve said.
“And kiss him on the cheek, not the top of the head,” Olive said.
“But mainly, express interest in his talent,” Jumper said. “Say you want to find out just how strong it is, because you’re sure it is better than he thinks it is, and maybe the two of you can prove it.”
Haughty practiced smiling and reversing bleeps. “But I want you to know, this is very un-harpy,” she grumbled.
“Remember,” Jumper said, “if this works, you will get the solution to your problem with Hottie. So it should be worth being un-harpy for a while, just as Maeve has to try to be un-maenad and I have to ignore how delicious all of you look, even when I’m hungry.”
“Oh, I’ll do it,” she agreed. “But I don’t bl**ping like it.”
“Nuh-uh,” Olive said. “You don’t sweetly like it.”
“Lovely,” Haughty snapped, the word sounding like its opposite. They walked back to where the boy, Ian, still sat disconsolately, alone. Haughty visibly nerved herself and approached him. “Hello, Ian,” she said nicely.
“The harpy!” he exclaimed gladly.
“I have been thinking about your talent. I think it is better than you think. It could be really useful, when properly applied.”
“You really believe that?”
“Yes, I do.”
“You’re lying. You’re a true harpy. I love that.”
That seemed to set her back half a moment, but she rallied. “Actually we were discussing it, and figured out a way it might be used. Do you want to try it?”
“Try what?” he asked, looking at her front. Jumper realized that Wenda was right about what boys noticed.
“Bl**p!” she exclaimed impatiently. “I mean, very good. Let’s see what your wonderful talent can do.” She forced a smile. 039-40892_ch01_4P.qxp 7/30/09 12:35 PM Page 69
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“Was that a cuss word?” he asked eagerly.
“No! The bl**ping Adult Conspiracy says I can’t cuss in your presence.”
“That’s why you have those stars in it,” he said, catching on. “So I won’t know you really said bleep.”
“That’s why,” she agreed, kissing him on the cheek. He looked pleasantly faint. “Can children freak out?” he asked. “Because I think I almost did.”
“No, they can’t freak out, because they don’t know the real words.”
“When you kissed me.”
“You still can’t freak out. I’ll prove it.” She kissed him directly on the mouth.
He freaked out.
“Oh, to h**l and d**nation!” she swore. “I blew it!”
Ian burst out laughing, unfreaked. “No, you didn’t. I just pretended. But I bet if I were older, I would freak out.”
“Let’s test your talent,” Haughty said, discomfited. She obviously wasn’t used to dealing with boys.
She went to the moat, and the boy followed, sneaking more peeks at her front. The other members of the party remained in the background, letting her handle it.
“See if you can step in the water,” Haughty said.
“But the piranha fish will bite me.”
Haughty put her face down near the surface. “If you fish mess with us, I’ll make a face like this,” she said. Then she made a harpy face that curdled the nearest water. The fish fled.
“Say, you’re good,” Ian said.
“Harpies are mean birds,” Haughty said with satisfaction. Ian put his left foot to the water. It recoiled. He stepped on the sand below the water, and a depression formed around his foot. “See? I drive it away. I can’t even drink unless I capture some in a cup so it can’t escape. What use is that?”
“I’m not sure. But let’s see how far you can take this. Wade out into the moat.”
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“I don’t know. I never tried that before.”
“I’ll make a face like this,” she said, repeating the one that had scared away the fish.
“Great!” he said, charmed. He waded into the water. The water withdrew from him, leaving a dry trench behind.
“Great!” Olive echoed quietly.
Haughty followed in that trench. “Can you continue?” she asked.
“This is so wonderful!”
“I guess,” Ian agreed, flattered. He walked farther into the moat. The water continued to avoid him, making a deeper trench.
“This is amazing!” Haughty said. “There seems to be no limit to your power.”
Ian paused, glancing back at her. “You’re just saying that.”
“Well, maybe I’m exaggerating slightly. But it is a great talent. Can you go deeper?”
Ian walked deeper. The sides of the trench rose up until they were over his head. Then they curved inward until he was walking in a tunnel.
“My friends will never believe this,” Haughty said. “May I bring them in so they know I’m not lying?”
“Sure.” Her constant flattery was evidently shoring up his confidence.
“Hey, you characters!” Haughty called. “Come here!”
They came, following her into the trench. “Now do you believe it?”
“We believe you,” Olive said. “This is terrific.”
“But I doubt he could make it all the way across the moat,” Phanta said. “There’s just too much water.”
“I’ll show you,” Ian said with another fresh burst of confidence. He strode forward.
The tunnel formed with him. Haughty followed him, expressing increasing amazement, and the others followed her. The adult humans had to bow their heads to fit within the tunnel, and Jumper had to scoot along on halfway-folded legs, but they all made it. They walked along the bottom of the moat. The piranhas swam close, eyeing them, but couldn’t reach them, and when Haughty looked, they quickly retreated. Even the moat monster took a look, but let the tunnel be.
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The tunnel started angling up. Then it reached the other side, and opened into a trench again. They followed it all the way out of the moat.
“You did it!” Haughty exclaimed, kissing Ian again. “It’s such a great talent! You can go anywhere you want to, and no river, lake or sea can stop you. You can even take your friends with you. What could be better than that?”
“I guess it is pretty good,” Ian agreed in wonder.
“It certainly is,” she agreed, and kissed him again on the mouth. He froze. The trench and tunnel collapsed. The way across the moat was gone. But all of them were across.
“But he didn’t freak out before,” Haughty said.
“You didn’t mean the kiss, before,” Olive said.
“Oh, bl**p! I’m sorry.”
“Just snap your fingers, and he’ll snap out of it,” Olive said.
“I don’t have any fingers,” Haughty said. “Just wings.”
“Oh. Sorry.” Olive snapped her fingers.
Ian snapped out of it. He found himself standing waist deep in water. “What happened?”
“I kissed you and you freaked out,” Haughty said. “I’m sorry.”
“Wow! I thought I was dreaming.” Now that he had recovered, the water drew away from him, forming a waist-deep depression.
“We have to go now,” Haughty told him. “But now you know how you can use your wonderful talent. You could even be an underwater tour guide.”
“I guess I could,” Ian said, beginning to appreciate the possibilities.
“Thanks.”
“And you’re a wonderful boy. I’m glad I met you.”
“Wow,” he said, blushing. He stared after them as long as they were in sight.
“You’re some actress,” Olive murmured to the harpy.
“Who was acting? It is a great talent.”
This time the circling glance included Jumper. It seemed the cynical harpy had become a believer.
And they had navigated the second Challenge. “One to go,” Olive said grimly.
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They faced the blank wall of the castle. There were no doors, windows, gates or apertures; it was solid stone throughout.