I couldn’t believe my eyes. “You’re drunk,” I spat, appalled, stupefied, and frankly scared out of my mind.
Dear God, this was going to end badly. Panic gripped me, but I managed to keep it cool as I glared daggers at the man tearing my chest open in the front row.
“Shh.” He smashed his index finger against his own mouth. “I won’t tell if you don’t. It could be our lil’ secret.”
As people in the class around him tittered, having no clue what he really meant, I blanched. I could kill him for this.
Noel glanced at the girl to his right who was still giggling, and his grin widened, encouraged. “Hey, you’re kind of cute. Have we had sex before?”
Damn it. I was going to kill him. Right here and now.
When the girl blushed, giggled some more, and told him no, he set his hand over his heart, tsking. “Now, tha’s a damn shame. We should toe’ly hook up.” Then he glanced at me, his gaze mocking. “Tha’ okay with you...Dr. Kavanagh?”
That’s it. This was more than I could take. “Mr. Gamble,” I shouted, unable to control my rage. My hand shook as I pointed toward the exit. “Get out of my classroom. Right. Now.”
His drunken grin died and glassy eyes narrowed. “But I’m here to learn, Professor. So jus’ go ahead and teach us somethin’ useful. Like...like maybe about that Hemingway guy.” Eyebrows furrowed in thought, he shook his head. “No. Tha’s not right. Hemingway? Hathaway? Hawthorne!” He snapped his fingers, or at least tried to. “Yeah. Hawthorne. Why don’t you talk about his red-letter book some more, or whatever it’s called. I think I could relate to some of those fucked up characters.”
Jaw clenched, I bit out, “You don’t even take this class. Now leave.”
His smile was bitter and his laugh even harsher. “Wow, you really get off on coming up with new ways to get rid of me, don’t you?”
When I met his gaze, a vulnerable pain glinted from his eyes, nearly killing me. I needed him gone before I broke completely, shattering into a million pieces.
“Mr. Hamilton,” I called frantically, my lashes beating like hummingbird wings to hold back the tears. Scanning the room, I searched the sea of faces for his friend I knew who took this course. “Could you please escort your teammate from my room?”
“Quinn?” Noel whipped around until he saw the other guy stand up and start toward him. “Hey, Ham!” he cheered, pushing to his feet to greet his pal with a pat on the back. “I didn’t know you took this class too, bud. Why don’t you go sit back down?” He waved Quinn away. “I’m good here. I got this.”
“Come on, Noel,” Quinn said somberly.
“But I’m here to learn some literature.” When Noel resisted and tried to pull his arm out of Quinn’s grip, a couple more bulky, football-player-looking guys leapt from their seats to assist.
This time, when three guys lifted him into the air, he just smiled and pointed at the girl he’d hit on. “Hey guys, have you met my new friend here?” he asked his fellow football players. “We haven’t had sex yet but I’m sure we will.” Glancing at her over Quinn’s shoulder, he mimed a phone and pressed it to his ear. “Call me.”
I fisted my hands down at my sides, holding my breath. At the last second before his teammates propelled him from the room, he reached out and grabbed the doorjamb, like a cat refusing to go into its carrier.
“Wait!” He struggled against the players until his gaze met mine. “I came to say something to you.” Emotions boiled from the depths of his intense gaze.
My stomach knotted.
“Fuck you,” he said, gritting his teeth as if he meant every letter of those two words with everything he had. “Fuck you for being a coward and giving up. Fuck you to hell, Dr. Kavanagh.” He took a piece of paper from his pocket, wadded it into a ball and threw it toward me. I watched it land on the ground and knew I didn’t what to know what it said.
When the door shut, silence fell over the lecture hall. Pressing my hand to my abdomen, I turned to face my students. I’d never seen so many people so adamant to hear what I had to say next.
I opened my mouth, but no words came. Clearing my throat, I ducked my face and tried again. “Sorry for the interruption. You may be excused now.”
For a breath, no one moved. Then I lifted my eyebrows, and they suddenly couldn’t leave fast enough.
One girl was even nice enough to bend down and fetch my note for me. I took it with a stone-faced nod and curled it into my fist. After the place cleared out, I packed my briefcase and walked to my office before shutting myself inside alone. I collapsed into my chair and sat there another five minutes before I opened my hand to read the note crumpled inside.
It was another quote for my board: “You know what the crummiest feeling you can have is? To hate the person you love the best in the world.”- S.E. Hinton (from That Was Then, This is Now)
***
“Would 'sorry' have made any difference? Does it ever? It's just a word. One word against a thousand actions.” - Sarah Ockler, Bittersweet
***
~NOEL~
Sober and feeling like shit, I fisted my hand and pounded on Aspen’s door. She didn’t open it until about thirty seconds after I started shouting her name at the top of my lungs.
As soon as the dead bolt sounded and it cracked open, I set my palm on the surface and started to push...until the chain caught. Glaring at it, I lifted an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Stop pounding on my door or I’ll call the police.”
I pressed my forehead against cool wood so I could see her through the small slit and wedged my fingers into the gap. Risky move, but I knew she wouldn’t smash my digits. My dick might be another matter, but my fingers seemed relatively safe. I hoped.
“Please. I just came to apologize. I’m sober now, I swear.”
“You could apologize out there just as well as you could in here.”
But I wanted to be in there. “Aspen,” I choked out, dying a little from her rejection. My eyelids squeezed together. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Let me in. Just let me in.”
She gave a surrendering sigh. To me, it sounded like the creaking of the pearly gates as they opened to allow me entrance into Heaven. “Get your fingers out of the way, so I can unlock the dead bolt.”
I opened my eyes to consider her. She could be lying, but I decided to chance it.
“I trust you,” I whispered before I slowly slid my hand free.
The door immediately popped shut. I swallowed, fearing that was it. I was forever forbidden entrance into her home. A second passed, and I just stood there, terrified, and not sure what to do with myself now, because everything I wanted was on the other side of that door.
Then the chain rattled and my heart lurched with shock and elation.
Grabbing the handle, I turned and bulldozed my way inside.
“Hey—”
She could scowl at me in disapproval all she wanted, but I was inside. With her.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I caught her by the back of the neck to yank her against me. She didn’t get out much more than a surprised squeak before my mouth covered hers and my tongue dove deep.
One thing she’d never been able to deny me was a kiss. As I plundered, she crawled up me, clinging and digging her fingers into my hair as her nails gripped my scalp. It felt so fucking good, I slung my arm around her waist and picked her up. And as naturally as breathing, she wrapped her legs around my hips.
Anchoring her higher than me so that we had to change positions and she was the one tipping her face down, I lifted my chin to keep my mouth fused to hers. For now, that was my main goal. As soon as our lips lost contact with each other, she’d start in. She’d try to push me away. But I wouldn’t let that happen.
I spun us until I propped her spine against the wall and there I dry humped her through our clothes. The warmth between her legs spread through all the layers of cloth and hugged my dick with a dirty tease. When she whimpered and ground back against me, I
groaned.
Her head slammed back, making me lose contact with her lips.
“Stop,” she breathed, even as her body rubbed against mine.
“Never.” I kissed her throat and peeled down the collar of her shirt.
She shoved at my shoulder, but I kept licking and nibbling, determined to change her mind.
“Noel. I said stop.” When she sucked in a breath, I glanced up. She’d closed her eyes and was biting her bottom lip. I knew her release was coming, so I pushed my hips harder against her, knowing I was hitting her sweet spot, dead on target. In mere seconds, she’d be breaking apart in my arms.
“No,” she moaned, even as she started to come.
“Yes,” I hissed right back, watching her face as she fell apart in my arms. She fought it, thrashing her head back and forth. But I could tell just how hard it hit her when she cried out and strained against me, seeking what she knew I could give her. She took it all, and was left panting and limp when she came back down from her peak. Finally cracking her lashes open, she gazed at me from glassy, dazed eyes.
“You. Are. Mine,” I told her. “I don’t care how many times you break up with me or how many other men you try to take on a date. I don’t care how wrong we are for each other. I don’t care that I’ll never be good enough for you or that we’re risking everything to be together. Your mother would never approve. Whatever. Fuck it all. You are fucking mine. And I’m yours. And we belong together.”
“No,” she whispered.
“Damn it.” Fisting my hand, I pounded the wall next to us. “Yes!”
She jumped, and a tear slid down her cheek. “Noel, stop. Please. Stop. I don’t want this. I don’t want this.”
She wasn’t shoving at my shoulders anymore, but the glazed loss and defeat in her watery eyes undid me.
“Fuck,” I whispered. I stopped pinning her hips to the wall and pressed my forehead to hers.
She unwound her legs from me and touched her toes to the floor before sliding down, probably to escape me. But I went with her, keeping our brows pressed together. Once she was sitting and I was kneeling in front of her, she let out a small sob.
Jesus.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked. “Jesus, God, I’m so sorry. I know I crossed the line. So many lines. I know I went way past guy-fighting-for-his-girl and straight into harassment territory last night when I text bombed you, even though I’m still pissed at you for going anywhere with him. How I responded was uncalled for and just...fucked up. And today in class. Today was even worse. I know that. And then just now...” Cold hard dread settled in me as I realized what I’d actually done just now. “I forced you to—”
I couldn’t even admit it aloud. But oh, God. I was no better than Zach was. The very idea made me sick.
Scared as fuck of what I was capable of, I stumbled away from her. She must’ve sensed how close I was to completely losing my shit, because she looked at me, and even with her lashes clogged with tears that I’d made fall, she still had the compassion to reassure me. “You didn’t force me, Noel. Not at all.”
I still felt like shit, though. So, I bowed my head, trying to combat the nausea. It didn’t help matters when she added, “But I do need you to go.”
I winced. “I am more sorry than you can ever imagine. Aspen...please.”
She didn’t answer.
I wasn’t forgiven.
“Fuck,” I said a little louder this time.
When she sniffed and covered her mouth with her hands, I sat on my haunches to watch teardrop after teardrop stream down her face. I’d hurt her, and I hated that. She had every right to hurt me back, to never forgive me.
Realizing this was it; she wasn’t going to let me in again, I surged to my feet and grabbed my hair with both hands.
Deep in my chest, my soul disintegrated as I heaved in a choked gasp for breath. It might’ve sounded like a goddamn sob, but fuck. Whatever.
She watched me for a second before she hugged her folded legs, squeezed her eyes closed, and dug her face into her knees.
“Aspen.” When another pussy-sounding sob tore from me, I pressed my hand to my chest, trying to push everything back in. But nothing worked. All the pain, and fear, and desperation of losing her spilled out. “I don’t know how to do this,” I confessed, shaking my head back and forth. “I don’t know how to give you up. I love you.”
The features on her face fell. Hugging her ribs, she bowed her head and cried quietly. More lost than I’d ever felt in my life, I approached her slowly and gently set my hand on the top of her hair. When she trembled under the warmth of my palm, I knew there was only one thing left I could do.
I had to let go.
“Okay,” I said, my voice breaking and my chin wobbling. “Okay.” My fingers slid limply from her. My guts twisted as I wondered if that was the last time I’d ever touch her.
I wanted to fall to my knees and keep begging, but I’d already scared her enough. It took everything I had to turn away and walk to the front door.
When I opened it, I paused, giving her one last chance to call me back. When she said nothing, I murmured, “Take care of yourself,” and left.
CHAPTER THIRTY
“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” - Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms
~ASPEN~
Three days after I gave Marci Bennett an F for not turning in her assignment, Dr. Frenetti rang my phone.
“Aspen, I need you to come to my office. Right now.”
The pinched tone in his voice told me everything I needed to know. I spent a couple seconds closing all the programs on my computer and straightening my desk before I stood and brushed the wrinkles out of my skirt and blazer. Though my knees felt like cooked noodles, I kept my spine ramrod straight and walked the short distance to the dean’s office in a sedate, orderly pace.
As I tapped on Frenetti’s opened door and glanced inside, I found another man wearing maroon wind pants and a T-shirt supporting Vikings athletics sitting back in a chair across from him. Both men turned to look at me. Frenetti scowled in his typical manner. His visitor leered and let his gaze travel down my body as if he’d seen me naked, which—oh, God—he probably had. I crossed my arms over my chest as if that could stop him from ogling.
“Aspen,” Frenetti rumbled out as he motioned to the gawking pervert. “This is Rick Jacobi, head coach for the football team.”
I nodded, and a piece of hot lead dropped into the pit of my stomach
This was it. My career was over.
***
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." - Will Rogers
***
~NOEL~
My will to keep marching forward had seriously declined in the week since I’d fucked things up with Aspen. I didn’t want to go to work each night, or attend classes each day, or keep sweating through these fucking workouts each morning. I didn’t want to answer the phone when Caroline called. I didn’t want anything. Except my woman.
But that wasn’t going to happen, so I just kept doing all the shit I really didn’t care about anymore.
With my bag full of exercise clothes to change into slung heavily over my shoulder, I trudged into the university’s sports complex for my crack-of-mother-fucking-dawn weight training. Yawning, I rubbed my hand over my jaw. I hadn’t shaved in days and winced at the pull of sore muscles.
I’d just turned down the hall toward the locker room when someone from behind me called my name frantically. Glancing around, I found both Ten and Hamilton skidding around the corner and racing toward me.
Frowning, I asked, “What the hell are you doing here for morning training?” Ten only trained in the evening or not at all. He refused to even pretend to be a morning person.
“Ham called me.” Breathless as he reached me, he grabbed my arm and yanked me in the opposite direction of the locker room. “Man, you need to come with us. Right now.”
Not used to m
y best friend acting so agitated, I glanced toward Hamilton. But he looked as if he might shit his pants any second. Unease stirred within me.
I resisted Ten’s pull. “What’s going on?”
“Just...” Ten yanked me along, none too gently. “Come on.”
They led me to a bathroom. As Ten ducked down to check that all the stalls were empty, Quinn folded his arms and braced his back against the door so no one else could enter. Their behavior made it seem like they were preparing to kick my ass or something. And if I didn’t know any better and trust these guys with some of the biggest secrets of my life, I might have been worried.
But then it struck me; they were the only two guys on the team who did know my one big secret. Acid filled my stomach, sharp and painful.
I nearly bent over double as I blew out a shuddery breath. My gym bag slid off my shoulder and slapped to the floor. “Aspen?” I said, knowing this couldn’t be about anything else.
Ten straightened from the last stall and stared at me for a moment before he said, “Yeah.”
“Fuck.” I clenched my eyes shut and rested my hands on my knees as I concentrated on not getting sick all over the place. But, “Shit. How bad is it?”
After a small groan, Ten admitted, “It’s pretty bad.”
I looked up and stared at him. When he didn’t say anything, I glanced toward Hamilton. He’d gone white, but nodded, agreeing with Ten.
It was bad.
“Well?” I demanded, my voice raspy with fear. “What happened?”
“Shit, man.” Ten set his hands on his hips and looked away. “Someone took a picture of you two together.”
“A picture,” I repeated. “What kind of picture?”
“What the hell kind do you think? You guys were fucking.”
I nearly blacked out. Reaching for the wall to steady myself, I held on for dear life as Ten kept talking.
“But at least now I know she doesn’t have pierced nipples.”
“What?” Heat suffused my face.
Seeing I had on my you-must-die face, he lurched backward and held up his hands. “Hey, I’m just...calm down. Gamble!”