I wasn't going through that again. I wasn't putting myself at the mercy of somebody else like that anymore.
A small voice at the back of my head whispered that Toni wasn't Lily. I knew that voice too well. It had spoken to me a lot in the weeks after Lily had left, telling me to look for her.
The voice knew shit.
What I did know was that while losing Lily had gutted me, if I let myself get lost in Toni, it would destroy me.
Inside the offices of Phenecie-Lang, I was greeted with courtesy and polite smiles. There were a few of the ass-kissers as well, but I was long used to ignoring them. Everybody else, I nodded at or spoke to as deemed necessary.
Nobody actually seemed overjoyed to see me though. They never did.
The only person who was ever actually happy to see me was my sister.
And Toni...
“Shut up,” I muttered to that little voice again.
One of the suits in the elevator bank gave me an odd look. He thought I didn’t notice and I let him think that. I preferred that nobody was aware that I was having a mental breakdown. I hit the button for my private elevator and slid inside before I gave them any more free entertainment.
Yeah, Toni was happy to see me. Probably the same reason I enjoyed seeing her. We were good in bed. Fuck that. We were great in bed. What I needed to do was find a way to have that, but still keep my distance.
I went straight to the top. This floor was mine, and mine alone. Along with my office and the office for my administrative assistant, there was a small, state of the art gym, a conference room, a kitchenette, a small but formal dining room, and a bedroom. Sometimes I ended up working far later than I wanted to.
Most of my time was spent in the office, though.
Melody was already striding toward me when I stepped off the elevator. She'd kept everything running smoothly in my absence, and I made a mental note to give her a raise.
She held a stack of files in her hand and didn't even bother with a greeting. “I have contracts that you need to sign, contracts you need to review, and contracts that can wait. There's also other material that needs your attention, some of it quite urgent.”
“I can stay a few hours this morning, but that’s it. What I can’t get done, I’ll take home with me to finish up.”
“Of course. Are things getting better?” She didn’t ask anything too personal, but she'd known more than anyone else, which wasn't saying much.
I’d been able to keep the kidnapping out of the news. Hopefully, it would stay that way, otherwise, my PR team would have some dancing to do to make sure the shareholders and everybody else knew that the company and its holdings were secure. Even the most 'family-friendly' businesses still put the almighty dollar ahead of family.
“Yes.” I managed a faint smile. “I’ll still be in and out for some time, but I’ll probably be able to spend a bit more time here than I have the past few days.”
“I’ll help as much as I can. Here.” She held out the files to me and I accepted. “Be warned, some of these are going to take a couple of hours...each.”
“Wonderful.” I blew out a breath and took the paperwork into my office, shutting the door behind me.
***
Those few hours went by quicker than I would have thought possible. As much as I worried for my sister, a part of me relished getting back to work. Now that she was safe, I could actually focus on my job for a little while.
Even though some of it could feel like obligation at times, I loved my job. Even the contracts, as dull as some might consider them to be, appealed to me. It was a puzzle, a huge puzzle, and it all added up to money earned and jobs for all the people who depended on the Phenecie-Lang Corporation.
And right now, the contracts were a much needed break, something new my brain could puzzle over instead of everything that had been eating at me for time untold. I could think about this instead of Isadora or Toni.
Money and the making of it was one love I could count on in my life. It was safe.
Money wouldn’t screw me over. If things went bad, it was because I messed up, the market wasn’t right, I’d taken a bad risk or somebody else was just better. That was just the game. But it wasn’t the money itself.
Money was safe.
As I went to open a new contract, there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” I called out.
Melody came in. “I'm sorry to interrupt.” She gave me a rueful smile. “You said you had a few hours. That was just over three hours ago. Should you be going?”
I looked at the clock and blew out a breath.
It had indeed been well over the time I had planned to stay. “Yeah, it’s well past time to quit.” I didn’t want to leave my sister alone for too long.
“Of course.” She strode forward, carrying a solid stack of files in her hand. “This is the material that needs to be reviewed and copies of the contracts that weren’t urgent. I assume you focused on everything that needed to be signed off on immediately?”
“Yes.” I scrawled my name on one final thing and handed it off. We traded off and she handed me the bag I’d left on the floor near my desk.
“Are there any questions on anything, or are there any details you need taken care of, Mr. Lang?”
“Yes.” I gave her a quick smile. “Have you taken care of that raise I told you about?”
She laughed. “No. A raise for myself has to come from somebody other than me.”
“Okay. Email me and remind me. I’ll get it taken care of. As well as a bonus.” I gave her a serious smile. “Trust me, you earned it.”
***
It was late afternoon before I got home.
I'd planned to go straight there, but I called to check on Isadora, and when Doug had assured me she was fine, I decided to stop and get her a present. It was an old habit, one from when we'd first lost our parents.
When she'd have a bad day, I’d buy her something.
It never changed anything, or fixed anything, but it made me feel better, and sometimes it made her smile. Foolish, maybe, and materialistic, but old habits died hard.
I found what I was looking for at Tiffany’s. While they were wrapping it up, I saw something else. It was a diamond collar.
It looked like something a queen would wear. No, an empress.
An image flashed through my mind. Those glittering diamonds rising in a thick, exotic fashion up a slender neck and draping down in chains to trail over shoulders and collarbone. I could see it on Toni, her hair spread out on my pillow, diamonds glittering.
I pushed the image aside, and when the sales associate asked me if I would like to see it, I shook my head.
Toni and I were involved in a sexual relationship. Nothing more. And that, that wasn't something that went with 'nothing more.'
That was something a man gave a lover.
***
When I walked in, I heard the murmur of low voices coming from the living room. Immediately, my body hardened. The lower, huskier one...Toni.
I almost turned and walked right back out.
I couldn’t do this.
I shouldn’t be doing this.
I shouldn't be near her or around her until I had better control of myself.
I went to the living room, swinging the blue bag with a little more emphasis than needed.
Toni's eyes went right to it. The wistful look that passed through her eyes made me think of that collar again. It made me think about turning around and leaving again...to go back and buy it.
Her eyes met mine for just a moment, and then she looked over at Isadora. “Looks like your brother is back to himself. He bought you a present.”
A cutting remark leaped to my lips, but I bit it back. I told her I wouldn’t be an asshole again, but I had to keep distance between us. At the same time, I refused to put that hurt or anger in her eyes again. Never again.
“Hey, when something works, why change it?” I smiled at her.
That was when I noticed how tense she
was. The muscles in her shoulders relaxed slightly.
I wanted to do something, say something. I wanted to make it better. Instead, I looked over at Isadora and held up the bag. “So, do you want it?”
She rolled her eyes. “Of course I do. Gimme.”
I laughed and carried it over to her, putting it in her hands. As she tore into it, I looked around, studying the files and scrapbooks. “What are you two up to?”
“Why don’t you sit down?” Isadora smiled and patted the space between her and Toni.
“Let me get a drink first.” While I was up, I put in a call to the kitchen for some food. I shot them both a smile, making sure to include Toni in it. “I’m starving. Skipped lunch.”
Toni was studying me, her eyes slightly narrowed. I tipped my bourbon at her.
“Would you care for a glass?”
She shook her head. “No, thanks. I’m more in the mood for a good, cheap beer.”
“I can get good beer here,” I offered. “I’m not much for cheap.”
“I never would have noticed.” She arched her brows and slanted a look at the space between her and Isadora. “You ready to sit?”
“I think I’ll take this side.” The space between her and my sister was big enough and I’d have a better view of what they were doing.
But it was next to Toni.
Distance, I reminded myself. The key was distance. As long as I managed to keep that thought in mind, I might do it okay.
Chapter 12
Toni
“Is everything okay?”
I moved up behind Ash as I spoke.
True to his newest form, he moved away, but he was so casual about it, flashing me an easy smile. I couldn’t even fault him for it. He wasn't being cold about it. No return to asshole mode. Instead, he went to the big display of flowers that sat on the table in the middle of the library and drew out a single, long-stemmed rose, turning to hand it to me.
I took it, but I wasn’t charmed by the gesture.
I was irritated.
“As good as I can expect things to be, I guess. Did Marcum or the police call with any news while I was gone?”
“Not that I’m aware of.” I shrugged, twirling the stem of the rose between my fingers as I studied him. “But then again, I did leave for a bit to go talk to my professor about missing her class.” I didn't add that it was because I overslept after spending the night with him.
His lids flickered, but he nodded. “Isadora reminded me that it’s not like you can put your life on hold. You did enough of that last week. I appreciate everything you've done to help.”
“Of course.” I took a step toward him. It wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't seem to stop myself.
He looked down into the thick, pewter stein he held. He’d indeed found me a good beer – another one of his attempts to keep me at bay throughout the evening.
“I’m running low,” he mused. Without looking at me, he started toward the door.
Fuck it.
“Ash?” I turned away so he couldn't see my face if he turned.
“Hmm?”
I didn’t glance back at him, but I could tell from the reflection in the sparkling glass of the windows that he had paused in the doorway.
“Tell me about Lily.”
He was looking at me now. I could feel the weight of his stare as strongly as if he was actually touching me. His hands on my shoulders, dragging down my arms, grabbing hands, holding me in place.
Five long seconds ticked by. I counted them off in my head as I studied the flawless petals of the rose I held.
“What did you say?” His voice was flat.
“I want to know about Lily.” Spinning suddenly, I lifted my chin and met his gaze.
His eyes had gone blank, and he stared at me in pure shock.
It only lasted a minute. Then he was striding toward me. His hands shot out and he grabbed my upper arms, hauling me to him. “Who told you...?” As quickly as he grabbed me, he let go and I nearly stumbled. “Isadora.”
“Yeah. We had some girl time earlier. She told me about Lily, said you hadn’t bothered to get involved with anybody since. She also told me I was wasting my time with you. You might want to get in my pants, but that it would never be anything else.”
“I never promised otherwise.”
The coolly delivered words hit me like a slap, but I didn’t let myself react. Instead, I just nodded. After all, it wasn't totally unexpected. I would've been stupid to actually think otherwise.
“So what’s with the iceman routine today?”
“I wasn’t aware I was doing any...routine.”
“Oh, please.” Scoffing, I took a step back. “You’re acting like I’ve gone and picked up a communicable disease.” I paused, putting more distance between us. Then with a cold smile, I added, “That means contagious.”
“I know what it means,” he snapped. “And here I thought I was being courteous. You didn’t want me to be a dick. Would you rather I be an ass?”
“This isn't any better!” I glared at him from several feet away. “Right now, you’re treating me like a stranger. I don't think I deserve to pay because some chick hurt you a long time ago.”
“You’re not paying, Toni.” His tone had taken on that flat note I hated. “That would imply you meant the same to me as Lily.” He paused, as if letting me digest what he was saying. “You don’t.”
I stiffened, but my expression stayed the same.
“We’re great in bed, and you’re fun to be around, but we barely know each other. If it wasn’t for what happened with Isadora, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. Lily, though...we were going to get married. She was my world.”
It was harder this time, not letting myself react.
We’re great in bed. You’re fun.
Translation: you’re a good fuck, but that’s all you’re good for.
I was an idiot.
Swallowing the knot in my throat, I said quietly, “Well, it’s nice to know that I’ve provided an adequate service for you.”
Ash’s eyes flashed. “Toni, that’s not what I meant.”
“Isn’t it?” I looked at him as I struggled to keep my voice even. “I thought we'd become, I don't know, friends. I thought I was helping you, offering you...” I shook my head. “It doesn't matter. I can see it clearly now. I’ve been your distraction while Isadora was missing. Now that she’s back, you don’t need to be...distracted.” He started toward me. Jerking up my hands, I said, “Stay back.”
“Look, you need to calm down.”
He did not just say that.
“Don’t tell me what I need to do!” Baring my teeth at him, I jabbed a finger in his direction. Still, I managed to keep my voice down so no one else would hear. “You don’t know me, remember? You don’t know what I need.” I raked him over with a derisive look and added, “Unless we’re talking about sex, right? Because that's all you know. How to fuck someone. Well, you're done fucking me.”
“You’re overreacting,” he snapped.
“Like I said, you know sex, but nothing else.” I gave him a look of mock pity. Holding up a hand, I ticked off a finger as I listed some of the others. “There are certain things you don't say to a woman, and that's one of them. It ranks right up there with Are you on your period or something, you’re not wearing that, are you and my favorite...it’s not you, it’s me.” With a saccharine smile, I said, “And, for the record? When you don’t see me around again? Rest assured, Ash. It’s you, not me.”
“What...” he sputtered. “Are you quitting? That’s real professional, Toni.” He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me.
The look I gave him was pure contempt. “Of course not, Mr. Lang. I don’t have to quit to never see you again. Isadora lets me set my own hours, and from here on out, I’ll be quite certain to set them so I’m not anywhere near this place during the hours when you're here. I’m done putting up with this shit.”
Jutting my chin up, I refuse
d to let him see how much he’d hurt me, how much I’d been thinking about whatever it was we’d had.
Without another word, I turned to the door.
He said my name, but I didn’t look back. There really wasn’t a point.
***
A woman on the New York subway got used to a lot of things. I knew I had.
Bracing my feet and locking my knees in place so the guy next to me who's trying to encroach on my space with his legs spread, and his thigh shoving up against mine...yeah. Used to that.
The guy across from me who was staring at my tits, and pretending otherwise when I met his eyes and stared him down. Used to that, but so fed up with it.
The flirtations that went straight into annoyed insults when I didn't respond.
The flirtations that turned into hurt masks when I made it clear I wasn't interested.
And then there were the creepers.
Tonight it was an unknown creeper, and the guy across from me. He wouldn’t stop staring at my tits, and when I finally managed to catch his eye and glare at him, all he did was lick his lips and lean back in the chair so he could stroke his penis through his pants.
“Hey!”
The deep, sharp bark of a voice came from the man a few seats down from mine. I shot him a startled look, but the crotch lizard across from me didn’t even look away. At least not until a giant of a man crossed the aisle and bent down, shoving his face into the other guy’s space.
“You keep that up, and I’ll rip your dick off and feed it to you.”
The guy’s demeanor suddenly changed. He shriveled and he wouldn’t look at me or anybody else. The hand on his crotch moved to lay limply against his leg.
The tall guy turned and met my eyes. “You cool?”
“Yeah.” The unexpected display of gallantry made me smile. I needed that tonight. “Thank you. Thank you very much.”
Dark eyes set against equally dark skin crinkled a little as he smiled. “Ain’t nobody should have to put up with that shit, ma’am.” He nodded his head at me and sat back down.