Chapter 45
That Saturday night I was up late again, waiting on the couch when Dad got home. I’d gone to bed, but couldn’t stay still, much less fall asleep. My skin felt like I was covered in black flies, biting and stinging.
Spaz knew, so it was only a matter of time before everyone knew. Jessie had already started looking at other guys. I had tried confession, but that didn’t help at all. I couldn’t handle this alone; I was over my head. I only had one resource left, and I wouldn’t dare let him hear it from anyone but me. It was the only logical move, but it scared me shitless.
“What are you doing up? Are you okay?”
“Dad, I need to talk to you.” He sat down in his chair.
“I’m always here for you, Son. How can I help?”
“I have a – girl problem.”
“Yeah, those can be kinda tricky. He gave a knowing wink. “Cory, there are a lot of things that I’m ignorant about, but fortunately love isn’t one of them. What can you tell me?” It was amazing how he could phrase a question so that it was a conversation, not an interrogation.
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Is it somebody you just met?”
“No, I’ve known her a long time.”
“Okay...” he said hesitantly, leaning forward.
“...and I really value our friendship. But I feel... more than friendship toward her, a lot more.”
“Does she know you feel that way?”
“I want to tell her, but...” I ran out of words.
“You don’t know how she feels, and you’re afraid it’ll ruin your friendship.”
“Kinda.”
“Ah. One of your sister’s friends?”
“What? Oh, no, not...” I knew it was inevitable that I’d have to say it, but I wasn’t ready yet. “It’s complicated. Just by asking, no matter how she feels, it could – hurt other people.”
He grimaced, as if he had a cramp. “I do believe I know exactly what you’re talking about.”
I doubted that very much.
“So, the truth is that you’re not just a friend. You really, really care about her, right?”
“Yes, I do...”
“Do you love her, or are you in love with her?”
“That’s hard. I guess I’ve always loved her, but now it’s both.”
“And you’re sure it’s not just your hormones talking?”
“I wish it was that simple.”
He grimaced again, but nodded as if in sympathy. “But you’re pretending to be just... friends – out of fear for the consequences?” I looked down; it didn’t sound very good like that. “And by pretending, you’re lying.”
I shrugged. I definitely didn’t like how this was going.
His voice had an edge to it. “Haven’t I taught you not to lie? And that’s no small lie either, Son, it’s the very worst kind,” he was staring at me intently. “You’re lying about love.” He paused, not to think, but to let it sink in.
I was trapped. “So I have to tell her?”
Softer now, he said, “You need to resolve this and move on.” There was a lump the size of a basketball in my throat. “Even if...?”
“Even if you’re afraid?”
“I’m not afraid for me.”
“I know,” he sighed. “You’re the kind of person who’d bear any burden, no matter how heavy, to protect someone that you love. That’s noble. But the question is: this… girl, would she want you to suffer that way?”
I closed my eyes, unable to meet his gaze. “I get it. It isn’t all about me, huh?”
When I glanced up he was looking deep into my eyes, into me, and I saw pain in his face, as if he was the one suffering. Why would he...?
He knew. He’d known all along. Of course he knew all along – he was always able to see right through me. He’d watched me suffer for almost three years... what a bastard. A flash of rage washed over me, but was instantly gone. He had watched, but he couldn’t stop it and he couldn’t help. No, not until I was ready to deal with it. Maybe it’d been killing him as much as it killed me.
“You know, don’t you?”
“Say it, Son. Go ahead and say it out loud.”
“Dad, it’s Jessie. I love Jessie with all my heart and I have for as long as can remember. I know it’s wrong, and I’m so ashamed, but I can’t live like this.”
“Was that really so hard?” He reached out and held my shoulder and his tone changed. “Yesterday I choose to entrust you with my secrets, man to man, and that’s no small matter. Thank you for choosing to trust me with yours.”
Exhausted, I slumped onto the arm of the couch.
“So that stuff you said last night – was that true, or were you just goading me?”
“True, I’m afraid. I thought knowing my story would help you trust me. I wanted you to resolve this sooner rather than later. That’s why I told you.”
“And you don’t hate me for it?”
“Of course not. Think of what I told you. Your feelings for your sister don’t seem that alien to me. I’m just glad that we can talk about it now. Do you want to go back to the counselor? I think it might be good for you.”
“No. Definitely not while this stuff with Amanda is in the news.”
He frowned slightly, and then nodded.
“How long have you known?”
“I started to suspect it about a year ago, but I didn’t want see it. I was hoping – praying that it would somehow pass. Then I tried to give you opportunities to tell me, but I knew if I confronted you, you’d just deny it. I’ve been pretty sure for about six months. Is that about right?”
“No. Since we were thirteen.”
“Really. Nothing… has happened between you, has it?”
“No, no way. I had to push her away so it wouldn’t.”
“You two were so close… That must’ve been very difficult.”
“It broke my heart.”
“Sometimes it’s really hard to do the right thing. That was a good decision.”
“Does Jessie…?”
“What? Know how you feel? She and I, well, she doesn’t confide in me anymore. But it could be why she’s so withdrawn, if she senses that tension in you.”
“Maybe. Dad? Spaz figured it out. I don’t want her to hear it from someone else.”
“Hmm.” He stroked his beard. “Yeah, that changes things a little. As much as I enjoy Robert, I doubt that he’s a safe repository for secrets.”
“This’s going to be bad, isn’t it?”
“I think Robert making your feelings public, especially right now, would open you up to a lot of negative attention, and that could affect her, too. You need to warn her.”
“So I do need to tell her.”
“Yeah, Son, I guess so. Is there anything I can do that would help?”
“You want to tell her for me?”
He didn’t smile. “Cory, I wish that part was something I could do, but my involvement would just make matters worse. I’m glad we talked about it first, though, so I can be ready for the fallout.
“Just tell her the truth and get it over with. It might be hard between you for a while, but it can’t be much worse than what you’ve been going through. You’ll get past this and go back to being brother and sister. It’ll be okay, you’ll see. I’ll talk to your friend and impress on him how important this confidence is.”
He wrapped me up in his arms and I couldn’t hold back.
“Thanks, Dad,” I rasped.