CHAPTER XVI.
_The Brahmin gives Atterley a history of his life._
"I have already informed you that I was born at Benares, which, as youknow, is a populous city on the banks of the Ganges, and the mostcelebrated seat of Hindoo science and literature. My father was a priestof Vishun, of a high rank; and as his functions required him to livewithin the precincts of the Pagoda, he was liberally maintained out ofits ample revenues. I was his only son, and according to the usage ofour country, was destined to the same holy calling. At an early age Iwas put under a private tutor, and then sent to one of the schoolsattached to the Pagoda. Upon what little matters, my dear Atterley, doour fortunes, and even our characters depend! Had I been sent to anotherschool, the whole destiny of my life would have been changed.
"I was in my twelfth year when I entered this school, which containedfrom thirty to forty boys about my age. The cleverest of these was BaltyMahu, who, like myself, belonged to the higher order of Brahmins. Hetook the lead, not only in the exercises within the school, but in allthe sports and pastimes out of it. Nature, however, had not been equallykind to him in temper and disposition. He was restless, ambitious,proud, vindictive, and implacable. He could occasionally, too, practisecunning and deception; although anger and violence were more congenialto his nature.
"It soon appeared that I was to be his rival in the school, and fromthat moment he cordially hated me. The praises that had previously beenlavished on him by the teacher, were now shared by me, and most of theboys secretly rejoiced to see his proud spirit humbled. In our sports Iwas also his successful competitor. Nature had given me an excellentconstitution; and though I had not a very robust frame, I could boast ofgreat agility and flexibility of limbs. When the sun had descendedbehind the mountain which screened our play-ground from his eveningrays, we commonly amused ourselves in foot-races, and other pastimes, ofwhich running was an important part. In this exercise I had no equal. Icould also jump higher and farther than any boy in school, except one,and that one was not Balty Mahu.
"His ill-will was not slow in manifesting itself. He took every occasionof contradicting me: sometimes indulged in sly sneers at my expense, andnow and then even attempted to turn me into open ridicule. I alwaysreplied with spirit; but I found such contests as disagreeable to me asthey were new. One evening, under the pretext that I had purposelyjostled him in running, he struck me, and we fought. Although he wasprobably stronger than I, as he was heavier and older, my supplenessenabled me to get the better of him in a wrestle; and I got him underme, when the master, attracted by the shouts of the boys, made hisappearance. He separated and reproved us, and sent us off in disgrace toour respective rooms. From that time Balty Mahu treated me with moreoutward respect than before; but I believe he hated me with more rancourthan ever.
"I had now become the general favourite of the boys. The school was,indeed, divided into parties, but mine was much the strongest; and ofthose who adhered to my rival, very few seemed cordially to dislike me.Though this state of things was very annoying to me, it provedadvantageous in one respect, as it made me more diligent in my studies,lest I should furnish my rival with an occasion of triumphing ever me;so that I owe a part of what I gained to the enmity of my rival.
"When I had reached my sixteenth year, I was removed to the college inBenares. This is commonly a very interesting event in the life of ayouth, as it reminds him that he is drawing near the period of manhood,and leaves him more a master of his actions. But on the present occasionmy pleasure had two drawbacks: I could not but feel the contrast betweenthe warm and confiding attachment of my late school-fellows, and thecoldness and reserve of my new companions. Yet the most disagreeablecircumstance was, that I here met with my former rival, Balty Mahu. Hehad entered the college about a month before me, and, aware of myintention, had spared no pains, as I afterwards learnt, of prejudicingthe students against me.
"After a few months, however, our relative standing was the same here asit had been at the school. I gradually overcame the prejudices of thestudents, and gained their good will, while he was always giving offenceby his meddlesome disposition and overbearing manners: yet his talentsand force of character always procured him a few followers, whom hemanaged as he pleased. Of their aid he made use to gratify hismalevolence towards me, for this feeling had grown with his growth, andnow seemed to be the master passion of his breast. I was able to tracethe result of their machinations every where. Sometimes it was intimatedto the teachers that I had been assisted in my exercises; at others,that I had infringed the college rules, or had put false reports incirculation, or had neglected some of the many ceremonies required byour religion. This was their favourite, as well as the most efficientmode of attack, as in these respects there was some colour for theiraccusation.
"In my early childhood I had been spared, by the tenderest of mothers,from many of the ablutions practised by the Hindoos, under the beliefthat they would be injurious to my constitution, which, though healthy,had never been robust. A foundation was thus laid with me for habitualremissness in these ceremonies; and after I grew up, I persuaded myselfthat they were of less importance than they were deemed by mycountrymen. My chief delight had ever been in books; and although, whenengaged in active pursuits, I took a lively interest in them for thetime, I always returned to my first love with unabated ardour.
"Some of these accusations, being utterly groundless, I was able todisprove; but the few that were true I endeavoured to excuse, and thus,by their admission, credit was procured for their most unfoundedcalumny. These petty transgressions, (for I cannot even now regard themas sins,) industriously reported and artfully exaggerated, did melasting injury with all the most pious of our caste. The charitableportion, indeed, were merely estranged from me; but the more bigotedpart began to regard me with aversion and horror.
"In one of our vacations, my father allowed me to visit a brother ofhis, who lived in the country, about thirty miles from Benares. My unclehad two sons, of nearly my own age, and several daughters. With theformer I rode, played chess, and engaged in such sports as are notforbidden to my profession; but my female cousins I seldom saw, as theyrarely left their Zenana, into which I was not permitted to enter. I wasof an age to be desirous of becoming better acquainted with my femalecousins, especially after I learnt that they then had as guests, a ladyand her daughter, who had come to pass some weeks here during theabsence of her husband, then employed in some public mission toCalcutta. But it was only now and then that I had been able to catch atransient and distant view of these females, during the first week aftermy arrival; and the little I saw, served but to increase my curiosity.Chance, however, soon afforded me the means of gratifying it.
"An important festival in our calendar was now approaching, andpreparations were made to celebrate it in various modes, and, amongstothers, by a fight between a _royal_ tiger and an elephant. For severaldays all was bustle and confusion in my uncle's family. Howdahs, newlygilded and painted, were provided for the elephants--new caparisons forthe horses--new liveries for the attendants--cloth and silk, of therichest dyes and hues, united with a profusion of gold and silverornaments, to dazzle the eye with their varied splendour. This was oneof those exhibitions, which those who were intended for the priesthood,were prohibited from attending. I confess, when I witnessed these showyand costly preparations, and pictured to myself the magnificent scenefor which they were intended--those formidable animals contending inmortal conflict--the thousands of gaily dressed spectators, gazing inbreathless anxiety,--I repined at my lot, and regretted I had not beenborn in a condition which, though of less dignity, would not have cut meoff from some of the most exquisite pleasures of life. At length theimportant day arrived, and I found my mortification so acute, that Idetermined to withdraw myself, as much as I could, from a scene that Icould not witness without pain. Among my acquirements at college, was aknowledge of your language; and I had now begun to take the liveliestinterest in its beautiful fictions, which I greatly preferred to ours,a
s being more true to nature, and as exhibiting women in characters atonce lovely, pure, and elevated. I was then reading "The Vicar ofWakefield," and had reached the middle of that interesting tale, on themorning of the festival, when my tranquillity was interrupted in the wayI have mentioned. Accordingly, taking my book and English dictionary, Iretired to a small summer-house at the foot of the garden, anddetermined to remain there till the cavalcade had set out. It was sometime before I could fix my attention on what I read; but after a while,the interest the book had previously excited returned, and I became atlength so engrossed by the incidents of the story, as to forget thefestival, the procession, the tiger, and the elephant, as much as ifthey had never before entered my head.
"After some hours passed in this intellectual banquet, I waked from myday dream, and I thought again of the spectacle with a feeling borderingon indifference. I walked towards the house, where all appeared to bestill and silent as a desert. I entered it, and of the forty or fiftymenials belonging to it, not one was to be seen. Those who were not inattendance on the family, had sought some respite from their ordinarylabours. The Zenana then caught my eye, and I felt irresistibly impelledto enter it. I used great caution, however, looking around me in everydirection as I proceeded there. I found the same silence and desertionas in the other parts of the mansion. I passed through a sitting-roominto a long gallery, with which the bed-chambers of the ladiescommunicated. The doors were all open, and the whole interior of theirapartments exhibited so strange a medley of unseemly objects, and suchutter disorder, as materially to affect my opinion of female delicacy,and to damp my desire of becoming acquainted with my cousins. I passedon, with a feeling of disappointment bordering on disgust, when I cameto a room which went far to redeem the character of the sex in myestimation. Here all was neatness and propriety: every thing was eitherin place, or only enough out of it to indicate the recent occupation ofthe room, or to show the taste or talent of the occupant; such as a bookleft half open at one end of an ottoman, and a piece of embroidery atthe other. The flowers too, which decorated the room, showed by theirfreshness that they had not long left their beds. I could not helpstopping to survey a scene which accorded so well with my previousnotions of female refinement. At the end of the gallery was a veranda,facing the east, and surrounded by lattices. In this were a number offlower-pots, arranged with the same air of neatness and taste as hadbeen conspicuous in the chamber. I entered it, for the purpose oflooking into the flower-garden, with which it communicated; and onapproaching the lattice, I saw, seated in an alcove not far from theveranda, a face and form that struck me as being the most beautiful Ihad ever beheld. I remained for some time riveted to the spot, but soonfound myself irresistibly impelled to get a nearer view of the lovelyobject. With as light a step and as little noise as possible, Idescended into the garden from the veranda, and approaching the alcoveon the side where its foliage was thickest, I found that the beauty, ofwhich I had before thought so highly, did not appear less on a closersurvey. The vision on which I gazed in silent rapture, a maiden, who,though she had apparently attained her full stature, did not seem to bemore than thirteen or fourteen years of age. Her eyes had the brightnessand fulness of the antelope's, but, owing to their long silken lashes,were yet more expressive of softness than of spirit; and at this timethey evinced more than usual languor. She was in a rich undress, and wasapparently an invalid. Her long raven locks hung with careless grace,partly behind, and partly over, a neck that might have served as a modelfor the sculptor. She was looking wistfully on a bunch of flowers in herhand, which I felt pleasure in recognising to be the same I had seen onthe piece of embroidery. I feared to advance, lest I should giveoffence; but I felt also unable to retreat. I fancied I saw one of thoselovely and dignified females which the writers in your language describeso well. But a sudden movement of the fair damsel to get up, bringing mefull in her view, she started back with alarm and surprise, and in amoment afterwards her cheek, which had been before pale, almost toEuropean whiteness, was deeply suffused. I respectfully approached her,and inquired if she was one of my cousins. She answered in the negative;said she was on a visit to the family, to whom she was related: addedthat she had not expected to see any one in the garden; but this wassaid as if she meant rather to apologise for her undress, than toreproach me for my intrusion. These remarks were uttered with apropriety and sweetness that won upon me yet more than her beauty. Ithen, in return, assured her that I had not supposed any of the familyhad remained at home, when I strolled to this part of the mansion. Ibegged she would not regard me with the formality of a stranger; andinsisted that, as she was the cousin of my relation, she was also mine.To this ingenious argument she answered with so much good sense, and atthe same time, so much gentleness and artlessness, that I thought Icould have listened to her for ever. While I spoke, she continued tomove on. I entreated to know if she was satisfied with my apology;repeated that I had not meant to intrude on her privacy. She mildlyreplied that she was. I then asked permission to call her cousin. Shesaid she should not object, if it would gave me pleasure. It was, mydear Atterley, her ineffable sweetness of disposition, and of manners soentirely free from pride, coquetry, or affectation, in which this lovelycreature excelled all other women, yet more than in beauty and grace. Ithen inquired when I should again see my lovely cousin. She replied, "Iwalk in the great garden sometimes with my companions, when theirbrothers are away; but the girls will not think it proper to walk whenyou are there." Perceiving that I looked chagrined, she added: "It issaid, you know, that the light from mens' eyes is yet worse for womens'faces than the light of the sun;" and she blushed as if she had saidsomething wrong. I stammered out I know not what extravagant complimentin reply, and entreated that I might have an opportunity of seeing andconversing with her sometimes: to which she promptly answered that sheshould not object, if her mother approved it. I inquired why she had notattended the exhibition; when I learnt from her, that, as she had beenslightly indisposed the day before, and her mother being unwilling sheshould expose herself to the heat of the weather and the crowd, she hadbeen left under the care of her nurse; but that finding herself better,she had permitted her attendants to walk over the grounds, while sheamused herself in embroidery; and that she had come into the garden toget a fresh supply of the flowers she was working.
"She had by this time approached a small gate, which communicated withthe apartments on the ground-floor of the Zenana; when, turning to me,she said, "You can return the way you came, but I must leave you here;"and, making a slight bow, she sprung like a young fawn through the gate,and was out of sight in a moment.
"You may wonder, my dear Atterley, that I should remember all theseminute circumstances, after the lapse of more than forty years; butevery incident of that day is as fresh in my memory as the occurrence ofyesterday. To this single green spot in my existence, my mind is nevertired of returning.
"I continued for some time in a sort of dreaming ecstasy; but as soon asI collected my thoughts, I began to devise some scheme by which I couldagain have the happiness of seeing and conversing with the lovelyVeenah. My brain had before that time teemed with ambitious projects ofdistinguishing myself; sometimes as a priest--sometimes as a writer; andoccasionally I thought I would bend all my efforts to rouse mycountrymen to throw off the ignominious yoke of Great Britain. But thisshort interview had changed the whole current of my thoughts. I had nowa new set of feelings, opinions, and wishes. My mind dwelt solely uponthe pleasures of domestic life--the surpassing bliss of loving and ofbeing beloved.
"When the cavalcade returned in the evening, its gaudy magnificence,which I would not permit myself even to see in the morning, I nowregarded with cold indifference; nay, more, I congratulated myself onhaving missed the exhibition, though a few hours before I had deemedthis privation one of the misfortunes of my life.
"The next day I went to the garden betimes; and as it communicated withthe shrubbery and grounds attached to the Zenana, and the males of thefamily occasionally entere
d it when the ladies were not present, Iprevailed on the gardener to grant me admission, under the pretext ofgathering some uncommonly fine mangoes, which were then ripe. I went tothe several spots where I had first seen Veenah--where I had conversedwith her--where I had parted from her; and they each had some secret andindescribable charm for me. I fear, Atterley, I fatigue you. Thefeelings of which I speak, are fully known only to the natives of warmclimates, and to those but once in their lives."
I assured him that he was mistaken; that the emotions he described, werethe same in all countries, and at all times, and begged him to proceed.
"I repeated my visit," he continued, "several times the same day, underany pretext I could invent--to gather an orange, or other fruit--topluck a rose--to frighten away mischievous birds--to catch theunobstructed breeze, or sit in a cooler shade; in which artifices Iplayed a part that had before been foreign to my nature. I wasdisappointed, however, in my wishes. I thought, indeed, I once saw someone in the veranda, looking through the lattice into the garden, but thefigure soon disappeared.
"On the following day I had the satisfaction to hear my young companionspropose to go on a fishing party, an amusement in which, by the rules ofmy caste, I was not allowed to partake. They had scarcely left the housebefore I flew to the garden with a book in my hand, and passing asbefore to the shrubbery, I buried myself in a close thicket at one endof it. I remained there from the morning till late in the afternoon,without refreshment of any kind; and such was the intensity of myemotion, that I did not feel the want of it. At length, a little beforesunset, I saw Veenah and her three cousins enter the garden. I sooncontrived to show myself, with my book in my hand. I approached, bowedto them all, but to Veenah last; and although my cousins showed surpriseat seeing me in their garden, at this time, they did not seemdispleased. I felt very desirous, I could not tell why, to conceal myfeelings from every person except her who was the object of them. Iforced a conversation with my two eldest cousins, who were modestpleasing girls, and then with an embarrassed air addressed a few wordsto Veenah and her companion, the youngest of my cousins. Occasionally Iwould stray off from them as if I was about to leave them, and thensuddenly return. In one of these movements, I perceived that Veenah andher associate had separated from the others, and strolled to a distantpart of the garden. I soon joined them as if it were by accident,entered into conversation with them alternately, and of course only onehalf of that which I either heard or said proceeded from the heart orfound its way thither. I know not if Veenah expected to see me, but shewas dressed with unusual care. We had not been conversing many minutesbefore the eldest sister beckoning to them, they bid me good night andreturned to the house.
"To the same sort of management I had recourse every day, and seldomfailed to see and converse with Veenah, sometimes in company with allher cousins, but oftener with Fatima, the youngest. By dividing myattentions among them all, I succeeded for a while in concealing fromthem the object of my preference; but the sex are too sharp-sighted tobe long deceived in these matters. As soon as I perceived that my secretwas discovered, I endeavoured to make a friend of Fatima, in which I wassuccessful. After this our meetings were more frequent, and what was ofgreater importance, they were uninterrupted. Fatima, who was one of themost generous and amiable girls in the world, would often take Veenahout to walk, when her sisters were otherwise engaged; at which times shewas perpetually contriving, under some little pretext, to leave usalone. We were not long in understanding each other; and when I urgedour early marriage, she ingenuously replied, that I had her consentwhenever I had her father's, and that she hoped I could obtain that; butadded, (and she trembled while she spoke) she did not know his viewsrespecting her. In the first raptures of requited affection, what loverthinks of difficulties? In obtaining Veenah's heart I believed that allmine were at an end, and my time was passed in one dream of unmixeddelight. Oh! what happiness I enjoyed in these interviews--in seeingVeenah--in gazing on her lovely features--in listening to hersentiments, that were sometimes gay and thoughtless, sometimes seriousand melancholy, but always tender and affectionate,--and now and then,when not perceived, in venturing to take her hand. These fleeting joysare ever recurring to my imagination, to show me what my lot might havebeen, and to contrast it with its sad reverse!
"The time now approached for Veenah and her mother to return to Benares.On the evening before they set out, Fatima contrived for us a longerinterview than usual. It was as melancholy as it was tender. But in themidst of my grief, at the prospect of our separation, I recollected thatwe were soon to meet again in the city; while Veenah's tears, for shedid not attempt to disguise or suppress her feelings, seemed already toforebode that our happiness was here to terminate.
"When about to part, we exchanged amaranths I took her hand to bid heradieu, and, without seeming to intend it, our lips met, and the firstkiss of love was moistened with a tear. Pardon me, Atterley, nature willhave her way."--And here the venerable man wept aloud.
I availed myself of this interruption to the narrative, to propose to myvenerable friend to take some refreshment. Having partaken of a frugalrepast, and invigorated ourselves, each with about four hours sleep, theBrahmin thus resumed his story.