He made a gesture--somewhat vague--a little mysterious,
accompanied by a faint smile, as if of regret.
This is not the place to enlarge upon the sensations of a man
who feels for the first time a ship move under his feet to his
own independent word. In my case they were not unalloyed.
I was not wholly alone with my command; for there was that stranger
in my cabin. Or rather, I was not completely and wholly with her.
Part of me was absent. That mental feeling of being in two
places at once affected me physically as if the mood of secrecy
had penetrated my very soul. Before an hour had elapsed since
the ship had begun to move, having occasion to ask the mate
(he stood by my side) to take a compass bearing of the pagoda,
I caught myself reaching up to his ear in whispers.
I say I caught myself, but enough had escaped to startle the man.
I can't describe it otherwise than by saying that he shied.
A grave, preoccupied manner, as though he were in possession
of some perplexing intelligence, did not leave him henceforth.
A little later I moved away from the rail to look at the compass
with such a stealthy gait that the helmsman noticed it--
and I could not help noticing the unusual roundness of his eyes.
These are trifling instances, though it's to no commander's
advantage to be suspected of ludicrous eccentricities.
But I was also more seriously affected. There are to a seaman
certain words, gestures, that should in given conditions come
as naturally, as instinctively as the winking of a menaced eye.
A certain order should spring on to his lips without thinking;
a certain sign should get itself made, so to speak,
without reflection. But all unconscious alertness had abandoned me.
I had to make an effort of will to recall myself back
(from the cabin) to the conditions of the moment.
I felt that I was appearing an irresolute commander to those
people who were watching me more or less critically.
And, besides, there were the scares. On the second day out,
for instance, coming off the deck in the afternoon (I had straw
slippers on my bare feet) I stopped at the open pantry door and spoke
to the steward. He was doing something there with his back to me.
At the sound of my voice he nearly jumped out of his skin,
as the saying is, and incidentally broke a cup.
"What on earth's the matter with you?" I asked, astonished.
He was extremely confused. "Beg your pardon, sir. I made sure
you were in your cabin."
"You see I wasn't."
"No, sir. I could have sworn I had heard you moving in there not
a moment ago. It's most extraordinary . . . very sorry, sir."
I passed on with an inward shudder. I was so identified
with my secret double that I did not even mention
the fact in those scanty, fearful whispers we exchanged.
I suppose he had made some slight noise of some kind or other.
It would have been miraculous if he hadn't at one time or another.
And yet, haggard as he appeared, he looked always perfectly
self-controlled, more than calm--almost invulnerable.
On my suggestion he remained almost entirely in
the bathroom, which, upon the whole, was the safest place.
There could be really no shadow of an excuse for anyone ever
wanting to go in there, once the steward had done with it.
It was a very tiny place. Sometimes he reclined on
the floor, his legs bent, his head sustained on one elbow.
At others I would find him on the campstool, sitting in his gray
sleeping suit and with his cropped dark hair like a patient,
unmoved convict. At night I would smuggle him into my bed place,
and we would whisper together, with the regular footfalls of
the officer of the watch passing and repassing over our heads.
It was an infinitely miserable time. It was lucky that some
tins of fine preserves were stowed in a locker in my stateroom;
hard bread I could always get hold of; and so he lived on stewed
chicken, PATE DE FOIE GRAS, asparagus, cooked oysters, sardines--
on all sorts of abominable sham delicacies out of tins.
My early-morning coffee he always drank; and it was all I
dared do for him in that respect.
Every day there was the horrible maneuvering to go through so that my room
and then the bathroom should be done in the usual way. I came to hate
the sight of the steward, to abhor the voice of that harmless man.
I felt that it was he who would bring on the disaster of discovery.
It hung like a sword over our heads.
The fourth day out, I think (we were then working down the east side
of the Gulf of Siam, tack for tack, in light winds and smooth water)--
the fourth day, I say, of this miserable juggling with the unavoidable,
as we sat at our evening meal, that man, whose slightest movement
I dreaded, after putting down the dishes ran up on deck busily.
This could not be dangerous. Presently he came down again;
and then it appeared that he had remembered a coat of mine
which I had thrown over a rail to dry after having been wetted
in a shower which had passed over the ship in the afternoon.
Sitting stolidly at the head of the table I became terrified at
the sight of the garment on his arm. Of course he made for my door.
There was no time to lose.
"Steward," I thundered. My nerves were so shaken that I
could not govern my voice and conceal my agitation.
This was the sort of thing that made my terrifically
whiskered mate tap his forehead with his forefinger.
I had detected him using that gesture while talking on deck
with a confidential air to the carpenter. It was too far
to hear a word, but I had no doubt that this pantomime could
only refer to the strange new captain.
"Yes, sir," the pale-faced steward turned resignedly to me.
It was this maddening course of being shouted at, checked without
rhyme or reason, arbitrarily chased out of my cabin, suddenly called
into it, sent flying out of his pantry on incomprehensible errands,
that accounted for the growing wretchedness of his expression.
"Where are you going with that coat?"
"To your room, sir."
"Is there another shower coming?"
"I'm sure I don't know, sir. Shall I go up again and see, sir?"
"No! never mind."
My object was attained, as of course my other self in there would have heard
everything that passed. During this interlude my two officers never raised
their eyes off their respective plates; but the lip of that confounded cub,
the second mate, quivered visibly.
I expected the steward to hook my coat on and come out at once.
He was very slow about it; but I dominated my nervousness
sufficiently not to shout after him. Suddenly I became aware
(it could be heard plainly enough) that the fellow for some reason
or other was opening the door of the bathroom. It was the end.
The place was literally not big enough to swing a cat in.
My voice died in my throat and I went stony all over.
I expected to hear a yell of surprise and terror, and made
br /> a movement, but had not the strength to get on my legs.
Everything remained still. Had my second self taken the poor
wretch by the throat? I don't know what I could have done
next moment if I had not seen the steward come out of my room,
close the door, and then stand quietly by the sideboard.
"Saved," I thought. "But, no! Lost! Gone! He was gone!"
I laid my knife and fork down and leaned back in my chair. My head swam.
After a while, when sufficiently recovered to speak in a steady voice,
I instructed my mate to put the ship round at eight o'clock himself.
"I won't come on deck," I went on. "I think I'll turn in, and unless
the wind shifts I don't want to be disturbed before midnight.
I feel a bit seedy."
"You did look middling bad a little while ago," the chief mate remarked
without showing any great concern.
They both went out, and I stared at the steward clearing the table.
There was nothing to be read on that wretched man's face.
But why did he avoid my eyes, I asked myself. Then I thought I
should like to hear the sound of his voice.
"Steward!"
"Sir!" Startled as usual.
"Where did you hang up that coat?"
"In the bathroom, sir." The usual anxious tone.
"It's not quite dry yet, sir."
For some time longer I sat in the cuddy. Had my double vanished
as he had come? But of his coming there was an explanation,
whereas his disappearance would be inexplicable. . . . I went
slowly into my dark room, shut the door, lighted the lamp,
and for a time dared not turn round. When at last I did I
saw him standing bolt-upright in the narrow recessed part.
It would not be true to say I had a shock, but an irresistible
doubt of his bodily existence flitted through my mind.
Can it be, I asked myself, that he is not visible to other eyes
than mine? It was like being haunted. Motionless, with a
grave face, he raised his hands slightly at me in a gesture
which meant clearly, "Heavens! what a narrow escape!"
Narrow indeed. I think I had come creeping quietly as near
insanity as any man who has not actually gone over the border.
That gesture restrained me, so to speak.
The mate with the terrific whiskers was now putting the ship
on the other tack. In the moment of profound silence
which follows upon the hands going to their stations I heard
on the poop his raised voice: "Hard alee!" and the distant
shout of the order repeated on the main-deck. The sails,
in that light breeze, made but a faint fluttering noise.
It ceased. The ship was coming round slowly: I held my breath
in the renewed stillness of expectation; one wouldn't have
thought that there was a single living soul on her decks.
A sudden brisk shout, "Mainsail haul!" broke the spell,
and in the noisy cries and rush overhead of the men running away
with the main brace we two, down in my cabin, came together
in our usual position by the bed place.
He did not wait for my question. "I heard him fumbling here and just
managed to squat myself down in the bath," he whispered to me.
"The fellow only opened the door and put his arm in to hang the coat up.
All the same--"
"I never thought of that," I whispered back, even more appalled
than before at the closeness of the shave, and marveling at
that something unyielding in his character which was carrying
him through so finely. There was no agitation in his whisper.
Whoever was being driven distracted, it was not he. He was sane.
And the proof of his sanity was continued when he took up
the whispering again.
"It would never do for me to come to life again."
It was something that a ghost might have said. But what he was alluding
to was his old captain's reluctant admission of the theory of suicide.
It would obviously serve his turn--if I had understood at all the view
which seemed to govern the unalterable purpose of his action.
"You must maroon me as soon as ever you can get amongst these islands
off the Cambodge shore," he went on.
"Maroon you! We are not living in a boy's adventure tale," I protested.
His scornful whispering took me up.
"We aren't indeed! There's nothing of a boy's tale in this.
But there's nothing else for it. I want no more.
You don't suppose I am afraid of what can be done to me?
Prison or gallows or whatever they may please.
But you don't see me coming back to explain such things
to an old fellow in a wig and twelve respectable tradesmen,
do you? What can they know whether I am guilty or not--
or of WHAT I am guilty, either? That's my affair.
What does the Bible say? `Driven off the face of the earth.'
Very well, I am off the face of the earth now. As I came
at night so I shall go."
"Impossible!" I murmured. "You can't."
"Can't? . . . Not naked like a soul on the Day of Judgment.
I shall freeze on to this sleeping suit. The Last Day is not yet--
and . . . you have understood thoroughly. Didn't you?"
I felt suddenly ashamed of myself. I may say truly that I understood--
and my hesitation in letting that man swim away from my ship's side
had been a mere sham sentiment, a sort of cowardice.
"It can't be done now till next night," I breathed out.
"The ship is on the off-shore tack and the wind may fail us."
"As long as I know that you understand," he whispered.
"But of course you do. It's a great satisfaction to have got
somebody to understand. You seem to have been there on purpose."
And in the same whisper, as if we two whenever we talked had to say
things to each other which were not fit for the world to hear,
he added, "It's very wonderful."
We remained side by side talking in our secret way--
but sometimes silent or just exchanging a whispered word or two
at long intervals. And as usual he stared through the port.
A breath of wind came now and again into our faces.
The ship might have been moored in dock, so gently and on an
even keel she slipped through the water, that did not murmur
even at our passage, shadowy and silent like a phantom sea.
At midnight I went on deck, and to my mate's great
surprise put the ship round on the other tack.
His terrible whiskers flitted round me in silent criticism.
I certainly should not have done it if it had been only a question
of getting out of that sleepy gulf as quickly as possible.
I believe he told the second mate, who relieved him,
that it was a great want of judgment. The other only yawned.
That intolerable cub shuffled about so sleepily and lolled
against the rails in such a slack, improper fashion that I
came down on him sharply.
"Aren't you properly awake yet?"
"Yes, sir! I am awake."
"Well, then, be good enough to hold yourself as if you were.
And keep a lookout. If there's any current we'll be closing
with some islands before daylight."
The east side of the gulf is fringed with islands, some solitary,
r /> others in groups. One the blue background of the high coast they
seem to float on silvery patches of calm water, arid and gray,
or dark green and rounded like clumps of evergreen bushes,
with the larger ones, a mile or two long, showing the outlines
of ridges, ribs of gray rock under the dark mantle of matted leafage.
Unknown to trade, to travel, almost to geography, the manner
of life they harbor is an unsolved secret. There must be villages--
settlements of fishermen at least--on the largest of them, and some
communication with the world is probably kept up by native craft.
But all that forenoon, as we headed for them, fanned along by
the faintest of breezes, I saw no sign of man or canoe in the field
of the telescope I kept on pointing at the scattered group.
At noon I have no orders for a change of course, and the mate's
whiskers became much concerned and seemed to be offering themselves
unduly to my notice. At last I said:
"I am going to stand right in. Quite in--as far as I can take her."
The stare of extreme surprise imparted an air of ferocity also to his eyes,
and he looked truly terrific for a moment.
"We're not doing well in the middle of the gulf," I continued, casually.
"I am going to look for the land breezes tonight."
"Bless my soul! Do you mean, sir, in the dark amongst the lot of all them
islands and reefs and shoals?"
"Well--if there are any regular land breezes at all on this coast
one must get close inshore to find them, mustn't one?"
"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed again under his breath.
All that afternoon he wore a dreamy, contemplative appearance
which in him was a mark of perplexity. After dinner I
went into my stateroom as if I meant to take some rest.
There we two bent our dark heads over a half-unrolled chart
lying on my bed.
"There," I said. "It's got to be Koh-ring. I've been looking
at it ever since sunrise. It has got two hills and a low point.
It must be inhabited. And on the coast opposite there is what looks
like the mouth of a biggish river--with some towns, no doubt, not far up.
It's the best chance for you that I can see."
"Anything. Koh-ring let it be."
He looked thoughtfully at the chart as if surveying chances and
distances from a lofty height--and following with his eyes his own
figure wandering on the blank land of Cochin-China, and then passing
off that piece of paper clean out of sight into uncharted regions.
And it was as if the ship had two captains to plan her course for her.
I had been so worried and restless running up and down that I
had not had the patience to dress that day. I had remained
in my sleeping suit, with straw slippers and a soft floppy hat.
The closeness of the heat in the gulf had been most oppressive,
and the crew were used to seeing me wandering in that airy attire.
"She will clear the south point as she heads now," I whispered into his ear.
"Goodness only knows when, though, but certainly after dark.
I'll edge her in to half a mile, as far as I may be able to judge
in the dark--"
"Be careful," he murmured, warningly--and I realized suddenly
that all my future, the only future for which I was fit,
would perhaps go irretrievably to pieces in any mishap
to my first command.
I could not stop a moment longer in the room. I motioned him to get out
of sight and made my way on the poop. That unplayful cub had the watch.
I walked up and down for a while thinking things out, then beckoned him over.
"Send a couple of hands to open the two quarter-deck ports,"
I said, mildly.
He actually had the impudence, or else so forgot himself in his wonder
at such an incomprehensible order, as to repeat:
"Open the quarter-deck ports! What for, sir?"
"The only reason you need concern yourself about is because I tell you
to do so. Have them open wide and fastened properly."
He reddened and went off, but I believe made some jeering remark