Chapter XIII – The Da Vinci Mold
This chapter has absolutely no factual basis whatsoever. The author has never set foot in France and has studiously avoided doing any research whatsoever because he is a complete idiot. Everything said here is quite probably wrong, but that did not dissuade him from writing this crap anyway. You were warned.
Jacques âne Abruti walked through the museum floor, doing his walkthrough as he did every night before everything closed and the machine guns were deployed. He took his time as he usually did, enjoying the art as much as he did, especially without the influx of annoying Americans who usually came in to admire art that they did not understand. He hated them as he hated a case of athlete’s foot.
He spent extra time at the Mona Lisa, just as he usually did. It also fits the chapter title, so he figured he might as well spend some time looking at the famous woman with the bemused smile. He briefly wondered if she was cool in person or whether she was a complete ice bitch. He then realized his mind was wandering and decided to stop it before he thought about another sexual adventure between himself, Mona Lisa and Michelangelo’s David.
"Get it together Jacques," he said to himself in accented English so the readers could understand him, "There is no time for this."
He walked a bit further down the hallway looking at the various pieces of art. It was a wondrous thing for him, something most people do not ever get to experience, walking down the halls of one of the greatest museums in the world with nary a soul to get in the way. It was soothing and exhilarating, something that he did every chance he got.
Jacques started walking back to his office when he noticed something abnormal. There were footsteps in the hallway, something that was expressly forbidden after the closing. He considered going to his office, which would have given him some safety, but he was the usual idiot who appeared in stories like this and eschewed the safety of the office in order to satisfy his curiosity.
"Who is out there?" Jacques asked the dead air, "You can’t be here!"
Of course the people out there, if there was anything more than Jacques imagination, were smart enough not to give themselves away. Abruti shook it off and started going over towards his office. Of course, this turned out to be a bad move as well as it was just outside the door that he ran across the two villains of our story here.
"What?" Adam asked, "Were you expecting anything less?"
"Who the hell are you?" Jacques âne Abruti asked them, "How did you get by security?"
"Your security is a joke," Adam said, "All Reizvolle had to do was flash her tits at the guards and they let us through."
"Rightly so," Jacques said, looking at Reizvolle’s chest, "But why are you here?"
"You have knowledge that we need," Reizvolle said seductively, "I’m here to see that we get the knowledge from your head."
"What knowledge?" Jacques wondered, "I’m a curator, I know lots of things…"
"We want to know about a certain orgy," Adam said, managing to keep a straight face, "One reputed to have happened at the beginning of the fifteenth century."
"An orgy?" Jacques asked, "I know nothing about any orgy!"
"Sure you do," Reizvolle cooed, "And you are going to tell us."
"You are the foremost expert on Leonardo Da Vinci in the world," Adam said, "You have to know the legend of the Black Fossil."
"Legend… Yes, I have heard of it," Jacques agreed, "But it is a fool’s errand. The Black Fossil is a myth, nothing more."
"A myth that is going to get us the world domination we crave," Adam said, "Now that orgy was the last known location of the Black Fossil. You know where it was."
"What makes you think so?" Jacques wondered, "Why would I know about the sex life of a man who has been dead for nearly five hundred years."
"Because you’re the expert," Adam reminded him, "Now start talking."
"You’re mad!" Jacques exclaimed, "I know nothing of the sort!"
Jacques âne Abruti took this opportunity to run into the corridor, pushing a moderately valuable statue over to slow down Adam and Reizvolle. They chased him, but in order for this to work properly we need to show as much of the Louvre as we can. We also need a chance to allow the curator to think about this aloud.
He thought about this being insane, because it was something he thought would never happen. No one had ever asked him about Da Vinci’s Orgy before. It was a subject he had been prepared to dodge all his life, but it had finally been asked and asked at the point of a gun. He had to find the da Vinci section and protect it from those sacrilegious fools. The secret of the Da Vinci Mold was one that he could not allow to be taken by villains such as these.
Adam and Reizvolle had deliberately skipped out on having mooks with them for this one, mainly because they had proved exceedingly ineffective in the past. They continued chasing the curator and wondering why the curator was so adamant about not telling them anything.
The curator suddenly had a vision popping in his head of the security system that had been so painstakingly developed over the years. He went over and pulled a painting off the wall, a very expensive one that made him cringe to yank and drop. The maneuver had the desired effect, sort of. The security gates started dropping and the curator ran smack into one of them that was dropping in front of him.
"There he is!" Adam yelled, "Stop him!"
Abruti dodged under the falling gate and managed to get in another room. Adam slid under the gates and managed to get near enough to the curator to fire a shot at him. The curator took the shot in the arm, painful but not debilitating. Reizvolle was nowhere to be found, mainly because she could add little to the scene and the author did not want to write dialog for her.
By the time the gates all came down Adam was trapped nearly two grids away from the curator. Abruti looked for cover, but there was not much. Adam fired a couple of shots, but he was not ready to kill the curator either. He needed to get the information from the man before he died.
"Come now, Abruti," Adam said, "It isn’t that bad. It is the site of an orgy some five hundred years ago. What harm can come of telling me?"
"Because of what an idiot like you would do with it," Abruti said, "The security system has been triggered. The police will be here soon."
"Not soon enough," Adam said, "Now tell me what I need to know. I am no mook, I can actually hit a target every once in a while."
Just to prove his point Adam shot a statue that was a foot from Abruti’s head. Of course, this triggered another piece of the security system that dropped another iron gate down in the middle of the section Adam was standing in. It made no sense for it to do this, but it was seriously funny to see the iron gate come down and land on Adam Dirtpassion’s foot. The tirade of foul language that came out afterwards was nearly as humorous.
"That’s it!" Adam yelled, "No more mister Nice Guy!"
Adam Dirtpassion fired two well directed shots at Jacques âne Abruti’s legs, causing the curator to scream and fall onto the floor. Dirtpassion managed to pull his now broken foot out from under the iron gate and watch as the curator started bleeding on the well carpeted floor.
"Now," Dirtpassion said, not even trying to mask his anger now, "You’re going to give me what I want to know otherwise the next one hits you square in the balls."
"Do you want the truth or the lie that I carefully crafted for this very situation?" Abruti asked him, "I don’t want to get shot again."
"I want the truth," Adam said simply, "But since I doubt the author is going to let you give it to men you might as well give me the carefully crafted bull."
"Very well," Abruti said, "The location is a dilapidated little church outside the city limits. You will know it because it has a big neon sign saying that this is the location of the 15th century orgy. It will tell you what you need to know."
"That works," Adam agreed, "Very well. You know that matches up with what the other three people said."
"Yes,"
Abruti agreed, "The three people who remain unnamed due to a lack of budget for extra characters, yes. They would have all told you the same thing."
"I do need to shoot you now," Adam said, "Dreadfully sorry about that fact, but the book will pretty well stall if I don’t."
"I could just pretend to be dead, couldn’t I?" Abruti asked hopefully, "I mean that would be just about the same."
"I’m the bad guy," Adam reminded him, "I can’t have that sort of mercy."
"Very well," Abruti sighed, "If you must."
Adam shot the man twice in the stomach. This, of course, emptied his weapon. He then waited for Reizvolle to get off her pretty ass and open up the iron gates. It took a few minutes, but the gates started rising. Adam walked quickly, but paused to make sure the man was not moving. While he did so, the gate he stopped behind managed to come down, smashing on his foot again.
"Arrgh!" Adam yelled, "Damn you woman!"
"Sorry," Reizvolle cooed over a convenient loudspeaker, "Should be coming up shortly."
The gate came up and Adam dragged his foot out. He was annoyed by this, but he left the building. Reizvolle joined him and they made their way out the back, ensuring that the recorders in the building would not be able to catch their escape.
This left Jacques âne Abruti dying in a pool of his own blood. He knew he had given bad information to Adam and Reizvolle, but that wouldn’t do anything for him now. He had received a call earlier from an American he had worked with before, J. Simon Ferguson. The cranky old man had told them about the two crazy Americans that he had sent to him. He knew why, so he had to get the information to them.
"Think," Abruti said to himself, "We need to get the information to them."
He then remembered that he didn’t need to think of it himself, as he was dying someone would think of it for him. So he moved himself to the point that he could get to the position he needed to do. He did some god awfully painful contortions and got himself into the necessary position. He knew enough about the human body to know how to position himself correctly that he would fall into the right position in rigor. He just hoped that he would go ahead and die soon so the pain would stop…