Chapter XXIV – Ransom!
Jim Stalin yawned as Jack Wack brought the dilapidated Gremlin to a stop in the hallway outside Admrial Sackenbrenner’s office. Jim opened his door and it fell off into the hallway, leaving a nice little scuffmark on the Government Issue linoleum floor. The smoke was not as bad as it was in Admiral Sackenbrenner’s office, however.
"We made it!" Jack exclaimed, "I can’t believe this Gremlin is still rolling."
"I can’t believe that it fit in the elevator," Jim shrugged, "Let’s get the black fossil in there."
"The author was right too," Jack said, surprised by this fact, "Take a right and travel for two chapters."
"He usually is," Jim admitted, sucking up because he knew the story was almost over, "Let’s go show Admiral Sackenbrenner what we found before it nauseates us even more!"
"Admiral!" Jack exclaimed, "We have a surprise for you!"
"You’re back, huh?" Admiral Sackenbrenner said, releasing the secretary who was pulling a Clinton under his desk, "I thought sure that if the bad guys didn’t get you the Gremlin would."
"It’s holding up just fine," Jim told him, "Well, except for the roof, the hood, one of the doors and all of the windows at least."
"That’s why I gave it to you," Admiral Sackenbrenner nodded as he started yet another cigar, "I knew you would destroy it. You have destroyed every vehicle we have ever issued you. That is part of what you do best."
"That is the truth," Jack agreed, "Planes, trains and automobiles. Jim Stalin can destroy them all."
"It was worth it this time though," Jim reminded them, putting the large ancient box that they had pulled out of the old cave, "We found what we were looking for."
"What was that?" Sackenbrenner asked, "I have no idea what you were looking for."
"The Black Fossil, remember?" Jim reminded him, "That coveted object that Alexandra got killed because the bad guys were looking for it?"
"Who’s Alexandra?" Admiral Sackenbrenner asked, "I’m just your boss. I don’t know what the heck you’ve been up to. This is the government, not a business. It doesn’t matter if I get it right or not."
"She’s my former partner who was murdered," Jim recapped, "Come on now, you aren’t that senile are you?"
"Of course not," Sackenbrenner said, "But there’s been quite a bit of stupidity since then. I had to get you to recap why we got to this point didn’t I?"
"True," Jack agreed, "So now that we have the black fossil, what do we do with it?"
"You know," Jim said, "These stories always have us looking for garbage like this but once we find it we never know what to do with it."
"What is it?" Admiral Sackenbrenner wondered, "Is it safe to open in my office?"
"I’m more worried about your smoke damaging it," Jim said, "To be honest."
"It’s just Michael Jackson’s original nose," Jack shrugged, "Much as he could use it, I doubt you could do anymore damage to it than he did."
"Michael Jackson’s original nose?" Sackenbrenner said, "Nice! Break it down!"
Sackenbrenner stood up struck a Michael Jackson pose, which was quite comical since he weighed more than the average European car. Jim and Jack looked at each other in horror since they knew what was going to come next.
"This plot is mine," Admiral Sackenbrenner sang to the tune of Bad, "Gonna take blame alright. I can’t show my face… in the bookstore tonight… I’m telling you… On how bad it is… Gonna hurt your mind… Don’t plot to thrill… Come on! Come on!"
"That’s quite enough!" Jim exclaimed, stopping the music, "I can’t do this. I don’t even like that song and I can’t let you demolish it this bad. Just because the black fossil turned out to be Michael Jackson’s nose is no excuse to sing a bad song like that!"
"Like we’ve needed an excuse before?" Jack said, "I mean you did Eminem and I did that plot song…"
"Yes," Jim agreed, "But Admiral Sackenbrenner is our boss and a very minor character. This is too idiotic even for this idiotic book. Someone has to agree with me and stop this madness!"
"At least until the end of the book," the author agreed, "Besides, I don’t even want to have to think about this, let alone try to write it. You can move on now."
"Um," Admiral Sackenbrenner said, coming back to his senses, "Can we at least make some jokes about Michael Jackson’s alleged pedophilia?"
"So long as you keep saying alleged," the author nodded, "Those jokes are always funny. At least for now. A few years from now who knows?"
"Maybe we should return it to him and use it to get him to make better music and stop manhandling kids," Jack said, "I mean it could be a good use for such a rare artifact."
"I’d settle for just making him stop making music," Jim shrugged, "But do you think that he’d really want this nose?"
"How did it get fossilized?" Admiral Sackenbrenner wondered, "I mean Jackson himself isn’t but 45 or so. This thing is hundreds upon thousands of years old."
"It isn’t nice to point out logic holes that large," Jack reminded his boss, "Especially since the audience has been trying to figure that out since we revealed that important plot point some two chapters ago."
"I still want an explanation," Sackenbrenner insisted, "I take a lot of crap out of you two. The least you can do is explain how a 20 year old nose ended up spending thousands of years getting fossilized."
"You really want to know?" Jim asked him, "Are you sure you really want to know that?"
"Of course I do," Sackenbrenner said, "And after the complete pile of horse manure you’ve thrown up in this idiotic mix of a novel I’m sure the readers would like to know this as well."
"Very well," Jack said, "Let me go at it like this. This is a book that will be able to be read thousands of years from now. Now assuming that the time space continuum is some form of oval construction that goes around and around for millions upon billions upon trillions of years it would mean that any piece of matter that once existed must again exist when it comes all the way back around."
"That makes no sense at all," Admiral Sackenbrenner said.
"I’m not done yet," Jack said, "Now this matter is whipped around the universe at speeds so fast yet so imperceptible to the human being’s place in the universe that it goes around and every piece of matter that once was will exist again."
"And," Jim said, taking over and continuing the rant, "So when Michael Jackson’s nose was removed along with the part of his brain that kept him from wanting to do bad things to little boys with unmentionable parts of his body laced with Jesus Juice both pieces were sent into space at imperceptible speeds and sent through the space time continuum to the point that it came back into the hands of the generically named man just in time to be in place for it to be used in this idiotic book."
"Congratulations," Admiral Sackenbrenner said, handing both men a cigar, "You have just either annoyed, bored or completely lost the entire audience. Now while I try to make sense out of this mess I think you should listen to what my secretary is about to bust into the room and start crying all over herself about."
On cue, the pretty blonde secretary that has only a cigar fetish in common with Monica Lewinsky came busting into the admiral’s smoky office bawling her pretty little head off. Jim Stalin picked her head up off the floor, reattached it back to her body with a piece of duct tape and some crazy glue and tried to calm the panicking woman down.
"Come now," Jim said, "It can’t be that bad, can it?"
"It isn’t like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are making another movie," Jack nodded, "Things can’t be that bad. What’s going on?"
"I have some bad news," the secretary sighed, "Really bad news."
"MTV just started playing music videos again?" Jim asked.
"They just announced plans for CSI: Boise?" Jack asked her.
"Strom Thurmond has come back from the dead to run for president again?" Admiral Sackenbrenner asked, showing his age.
"No!" the secretary
said, almost enraged now, "Nothing like that! Adam Dirtpassion and Reizvolle Dirne have taken your family, Jim!"
"Oh," Jim said, "I thought you said it was important."
"Jim!" they all said, "Your family!"
"Oh!" Jim exclaimed, "My family! I forgot I had one. Damn, I haven’t seen my son Michael in a while."
"I thought his name was Mark," Jack said.
"Whatever," Jim shrugged, "I guess we’d better go find them, eh?"
"Might be a good idea," Admiral Sackenbrenner nodded, "The heroes guild called, you’re overdue on your family rescuing merit badge. This will be a good chance for you to go ahead and make up for lost time with them as well."
"Whatever their names are," Jack grinned.
"Ok," Jim nodded, "Any idea where to find them?"
"Not a one," Jack said, "But that’s ok. We have the black fossil."
"You’re going to use a valuable object like that to lure them out?" Admiral Sackenbrenner asked, "That is now government property. I can’t let you do that."
"You don’t get it, do you?" Jim told him, "You don’t get a choice. I’m the hero, not you. Plus the Black Fossil isn’t the lure, it’s going to be the divining rod. It is how I’m going to find them you over-bloated cigar smoking twit."
"Oh," Sackenbrenner nodded, "In that case, I guess it’s ok. Just be sure to bring it back. President Bush needs a new cigar holder."
"Will do," Jim agreed, "To the Gremlin?"
"If it will drive, I will drive it," Jack nodded, "Let’s rock and roll my insane friend."
They went out and got into the beat up Gremlin. Jim considered a seatbelt, but then went and looked at the word count. They were still far enough away from the end that he could have ridden naked with his butt hanging on the ground and he would still be in good enough shape to actually go through to the end of the book.
I guess the question now is will he find his family and if he does will he recognize them. I guess you will not know until you read the next chapter of this incredibly lame and long-winded book. Now be a good little reader and move your eyes down to the next chapter. There is nothing more to see here, I promise you. Well nothing except me using this long and completely pointless sentence to up the word count so I have to write a little less crap. Like I said, nothing to see here. Really. I promise. Ok, that is enough. Will you kindly go down to the next chapter now? Ok, I will end this crap if you do it. Well, sort of. Next chapter? Ok. Now…