Chapter II – A Rickety Plane
"Jim," Alex asked her partner, "Do you have a bad feeling about this?"
"Sure I do," Jim agreed, "But look out there at that plane. That glorious piece of fifty year old technology is going to bring us flawlessly to our destination."
"Which is what?" Alex wondered, "Admiral Sackenbrenner never told me where we’re going."
"Why should he?" Jim asked, "It’s not like that smoke bag has any control over it. He’s just there to give us instructions and show disapproval at various things."
"Not to mention he’s a bit of comic relief," Alex nodded, "Ok, I can see that. But if I get cancer from his smoke…"
"We’re about to go on an adventure," Jim chuckled, "That is probably the safest thing we’ll do. Worry about dying now, not thirty years from now."
They walked through the airport and went to the shabby end where the cheap airline that their government agency required them to use whenever they traveled outside of the unknown state that their office was supposedly located in. Since no one could figure out what they do they decided to make sure that no one would ever figure out where they were either.
"Welcome to Airbland Airlines," the clerk said with a winning smile and her fingers crossed behind her back, "Welcome to your doom… er… um… Welcome to your flight, Mr. Stalin. Where will you and your lovely partner be traveling today?"
"Two one-way tickets to the stereotypical island of adventure stories please," Jim told her, "Bill them to Admiral Sackenbrenner’s personal credit card, as usual. He loves the tax breaks he can get from the flights."
"Not to mention the frequent flyer miles," Alexandra muttered, "Though he wouldn’t fit through the door here now."
"All righty then," the clerk said, "I have your one-way tickets to the stereotypical island of adventure stories. I would tell you what gate you’d be disembarking on, but I have no doubt that you will be leaving the plane early for some reason so it really would be quite pointless."
"Sounds about right," Jim agreed, "I’m sure I’ll find some reason to crash the plane on or near the runway. Thank you very much!"
"Wait!" Alexandra said, "What about our luggage?"
"Don’t worry," Jim told her, "They’ll lose it as usual. No problem at all. Come on, we’ve got a plane to ride on and adventures to get underway!"
"Yeah," she sighed, "You have nothing to worry about. You’re the hero of the story. They aren’t going to kill you immediately. I’m just one step above a mook. If the audience gets sick of looking at my ass I could die a horrible death."
"Eh," Jim shrugged, "Don’t worry about it. You could turn out to be the bad guy hiding in my entourage and become a very important corpse. You’re not a mook yet, at any rate. So let’s go and have some fun!"
They walked out onto the tarmac and went through the lackluster security easily. Security for these planes is very lax due to the fact that if anyone bothered to hijack them no one would care. The plane would fall apart long before it could hit a building hard enough to do any damage.
"Mmm," Jim said, "The smell of rot, decay and 1940’s aeronautic technology. Let the adventure begin."
"Welcome," a man with a rather generic foreign accent said, "I will be your steward today on your flight to the islands. I may also double as your mook, depending on whether the action takes a turn that way."
"Very nice," Jim said, "I am Jim and I will be your passenger and maybe the cause of your death today."
"Very good sir," the possible mook agreed, "Seeing as there is no first class go ahead and take a seat anywhere you like. It’s not like anyone else is going to get on this plane with you here."
Alexandra looked outside and saw every other person holding a ticket for this plane running to the terminal and looking for a refund. She did not know if it was because of their presence or because they got their first look at the plane. Frankly, it could have been either one.
"Why do I not like this?" she mumbled.
Seeing as the ancient plane was nearly empty, they took seats across from each other and Jim put up some seat dividers to get comfortable. He had ridden on these planes before, so he did not mind the noise or the occasional falling bolt. He had no reason to worry as he knew his name was on the chapter headings.
The plane took off without a hitch, however, though it did belch some smoke and go through a loop every two hundred miles. Alexandra learned to keep her seatbelt on after the second loop, though Jim managed to stay in his seat and read the entire stack of Archie Comic books he had brought with him.
"How can you read that crap on this plane?" Alex asked him, "It’s falling apart around us!"
"I’m not worried about it," Jim shrugged, "I like Archie comics."
"Oh?" Alexandra said, forgetting her panic, "Did Archie ever get to do Veronica?"
"No," Jim said sadly, "That doesn’t come out until the Japanese version does…"
While they were staring together at the comics trying to figure out if Veronica was actually wearing any underwear in a particular frame the possible mook came out of the cockpit. Seems that he wasn’t a steward as we first thought, but since we don’t feel like introducing new characters he is the pilot and definitely a mook now.
"Jim Stalin!" he yelled as he came out wielding a large machete, "You killed my brother! I must now kill you and your very attractive female friend!"
"Who was your brother again?" Jim asked, not looking up from the comic, "And why did I kill him?"
"You think they’re going to waste this much time with back story for a mook like me?" the mook asked, "Let’s just stipulate that you killed him and now I’m going to try to kill you for it!"
"Ok," Jim shrugged, a bit bored by the rather routine battle that was going to come, "But you’re the pilot. Who is running the plane?"
"The trained monkey," The mook said, "Now are you going to put down that comic and fight me?"
"I guess I don’t have a choice," Jim sighed, "Can I finish my comic book first? We have a couple hours before we land."
"No!" the mook insisted, "You must die now!"
"I swear," Jim said, looking at Alexandra, "These mooks have no patience."
Alexandra decided to back up, knowing that in the grand scheme of things she was not going to be that valuable to the plot. Jim read another panel of the comic book, but was too slow in putting it down before the mook made it to him. The mook’s face showed great rage, so much so that Alexandra had to wonder just how special that brother was.
"You die now!" the mook yelled, "Prepare for slaughter!"
"Can’t you say anything else?" Jim asked him, "Now let me find out how this ends…"
The mook did not give him a chance to finish. He sliced the comic book in half with the sharp, spooky looking machete that he had carried with him from the cockpit and made an evil face at Jim Stalin. This was the final straw for Stalin as he stood up and bared his pearly white perfect teeth at the mook.
"You are that ready to die?" Jim Stalin asked him, "Well mook, I guess I can oblige you…"
Jim stood up and glared at the mook. The mook raised his machete up as he was sure that he had a clear shot at Stalin’s head and neck. He swung the blade down and nearly managed to hit Stalin before our hero managed to duck down and take the blade flat on the top of his head. The mook was surprised when he heard a clang emanate from his target.
"Dude," Jim Stalin said, grinning a little, "I lost the top of my skull to an accident years ago. I’ve had a metal plate for ten years now."
Jim smacked the mook with a heavy punch into the stomach and pushed him back into the aisle. He then wiped the spot of blood off from where the blade had hit him and tasted it in a very telling fashion. He made a show of it and then let off a vicious kick to the mook’s balls.
"That’s for Archie," Jim said, watching the mook fall down onto the floor, "Now let’s get some payback for Veronica!"
Alexandra watched as the tw
o men started fighting. She did not intend to get involved, as she knew that if she did it was likely to come out badly. Jim did not notice her lack of help as he was too busy beating on the poor mook. The mook fought back, but being as early in the story as it was there was really no hopes of him to do anything more than make a show.
"Hey!" Jim exclaimed as he continued beating on the mook, "I’m spending my energy on this bastard with all my might. You can at least describe some of it rather than cutting it short so you can go play a video game!"
"Very well," the Author sighed, "Continue. Just make it quick. My video game calls."
Jim continued with a savage beating on the mook, mainly because the mook didn’t have the good sense to quit. Alexandra avoided a few tumbles as the plane shook a bit. She wondered briefly if she should go and try to save the plane from crashing, as she knew it probably would if autopilot was maintained.
Jim and the mook made their way up to the front and Alexandra knew that she had better try to get past them to keep the plane in the air. She had no illusions about her ability to survive a crash of a plane this old. She saw that she was getting nowhere and decided to do something about it.
"Hold it!" Alexandra shrieked, "Chill out for a moment while I go check the cockpit!"
Jim and the mook stopped in mid punch and looked over at her while Jim continued to hold the mook by the neck.
"Hehehe," the mook giggled, "She said cockpit… I bet hers is nice…"
"Maybe if I get lucky I’ll find out later," Jim grinned, "Cock pit… hehehe…"
"Men," Alexandra said as she went past them and slid into the pilot’s seat.
Jim and the mook continued fighting while Alexandra fought with the pilot’s controls. The ancient plane of course did not like the fact that it was still flying and the fact that planes that old did not really even have autopilot meant that it was going all over the place.
"Can you keep this thing steady?" Jim yelled, "I’m trying to kill a mook here!"
The mook pushed Jim back and actually managed to connect a lucky shot to the nose. Jim looked up and cursed the author’s sense of humor as he kicked the mook in the balls one more time just to make up for the fact that everyone was getting sick of this.
"That one is for Veronica," Jim said, "Now we need a way to end this."
"I think we’re going to crash!" Alexandra exclaimed, "We’re going down and there is no way to pull it up!"
"Flash it!" Jim exclaimed, "That is enough to get anything up!"
"Oh darn!" the mook yelled, "I think we’re going to hit that tree!"
"Tree?" Alexandra said, "What tree?"
"The one that I see coming through the side window!" the Mook said, "Oh my god!"
"Pray to him," Jim said, "You’re about to meet him."
Defying all laws of physics the plane dropped like a rock straight down on top of a tree that penetrated the ancient fuselage of the plane through the left side. This tree, of course, went straight through the mook’s chest and impaled him to the other side of the plane.
Jim, who was standing right next to the mook, was of course unscratched by this fall, though he landed in a rather unflattering position on the ground. The big question and one that we do not intend to answer until the next chapter is the fate of Alexandra Diminova. Standards dictate that we must leave some suspense so she is it.