Chapter IV – Oops
True to her word, Alexandra Diminova is going to perform a very unnecessary parody of Britney Spears’ Oops, I Did It Again. Apologies to everyone who has to read through this drivel, but we needed to up the word count somehow with something at least mildly original.
"Is this thing on?" Alexandra asked as she tapped the newly created microphone, "Where is the music I’m lip synching to?"
The music started and everyone started dancing inanely. Reizvolle gyrated like a strip club dancer and even the uncoordinated hero, Jim Stalin himself, managed to start dancing with them. James Mickenbacher mimed the drum line while various Mooks played the role of backing dancers.
"Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh," Alexandra lip synched, "Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh…"
"Funny," Adam said under his breath.
"I think I did it again…" Alexandra mimicked, "I made you believe, we had some sort of plot…"
"Some sort of plot…" the mooks sang.
"Oh baby," Alexandra continued, "It might not seem like much, so don’t take me serious…"
She danced around clumsily and tried to get off the stage before Jim pointed out the mooks in the audience who were carrying guns and too much into the song for her to stop. She stopped, smiled and went back to the faux microphone.
"’Cause to lose all my audiences," she continued, "Is just so typically obscene, yeah baby…"
"Can we suck any worse right now?" Adam asked Reizvolle, "Maybe we should describe a tuna sandwich in detail?"
"We don’t need to know about your sex life," Reizvolle said huskily, "Now hush and let the girl finish the song."
"Oops, I screwed it again," Alexandra faked, "I played with your life, got lost in the genre... How crappy, crappy…"
"You go girl!" one mook shouted, earning a quick gunshot to the forehead from Mickenbacher.
"Shut up," he growled, "Go on."
"Oops, you think I’m not dumb," Alexandra continued faking, "That I have an IQ second to none… I’m really quite an idiot!"
"Nice," Jim chuckled, "So much for this plot…"
Alexandra flipped Jim an obscene gesture as she got ready to continue with the song.
"You see that the problem is this," Alexandra croaked, "I’m wasting away, watching idiot heroes who unfortunately exist…"
"Hey!" Jim exclaimed, "I resemble that!"
"I cry watching this crap," Alexandra mouthed while rolling her eyes, "Can’t you see that we’re surrounded by mooks in so many ways!"
This line was thrown in here just to separate pieces of the song.
"But to lose all my lunches," she continued, "That’s just so typically obscene…"
"Ok!" James yelled, "That’s enough of this crap! It is offensive to take a bad song and make it even worse!"
"What are you going to do?" Alexandra asked him, "Shoot me?"
"Yes," James said, "I think that is exactly what I’m going to do."
James picked up his pistol and aimed it at Alexandra’s rather shapely middle and fired two quick shots that were placed just perfectly so that round holes would form and bleed, but not spurt. Alexandra jumped and fell to the stage rather abruptly as Jim went over to her. She was alive and slipping away, but not fast enough to stop her from being able to talk for a good long time before her life ended.
"Looks like I’m a mook after all," Alexandra coughed, "Why me…"
"Because I need some reason to really hate those three," Jim told her, "I guess that you are dying for that purpose."
"That really sucks," Alexandra said as Jim wiped a little blood off her lip, "Where are you going to find another woman like me?"
"That’s what I’m here for," Reizvolle’s voice rolled out in a huskily sexy way, "I’m here to take the sexy lady marker from you."
"Maybe they’ll give me a wisecracking little buddy," Jim said, "Or a trained monkey that is smarter than all of us."
"I won’t be here to see it," Alexandra said, "Should I give the obligatory speech demanding that you extract vengeance for my useless murder?"
"It’s the least you can do," Jim agreed, "Don’t you think, guys?"
"Definitely," James said, "Killing her wouldn’t be much fun otherwise."
"Of course," Reizvolle cooed, "It would be purrfect…"
"Very well," Alexandra managed to get out as her face got pale, "Since I’m dying I might as well make a spectacle of it…"
"Just do it quickly," Jim said, "This protracted death scene is starting to get a mite annoying."
"Right," Alexandra nodded, "Of course… Well, you see who pulled the trigger on me, correct?"
"That would be me," James said, waving the old pistol he used, "Right here!"
"Yes," Jim said, "Your point?"
"He’s a bastard," Alexandra said, "Would you kindly make sure he doesn’t manage to get off this island?"
"I can try," Jim agreed, "Since the author has forgotten his name at least once and just now realized that he used a variant of his hero’s name to refer to the one who shot you it is nearly certain that James Mickenbacher is going to die somewhere in the next thousand words or so."
"Good," Alexandra nodded, "Although I think James missed the vital organ somehow. I’m starting to feel a bit better."
"That’s not good," Jim said, "If you get better what little thread that he is so laughingly calling a plot right now will be in tatters. We must do something about this."
"More sex?" Adam asked hopefully.
"With yourself maybe," Reizvolle said sensuously, "Because you’re not touching me…"
"Great," James said, "I’m glad I’m the mook… If there’s no hope of me doing you, I don’t want to be in this idiotic book anymore."
"I agree," Alexandra said, "James, I think I see the other side now…"
"God?" Jim asked her, "Heaven?"
"No," Alexandra said, "The wall… I finally opened my eyes a bit."
"Oh," Jim said, "Can you shoot her again, please, James?"
"Sure," James said, firing his gun, "How was that?"
"You missed," Alexandra grunted, "That was my pancreas. Could you hit something a bit more important please?"
"Sure," James nodded, firing again, "Better?"
"Not sure," Alexandra said, "Am I dead yet?"
"Not yet," Jim said, "But you probably will be once you say something nicely cryptic and profound."
"Oh god," Alexandra groaned, "I’m never going to die the way this book is going…"
"Sure you are," Jim said, "Just think of something now so the author can end this torture on all of us."
"Find it…" Alexandra said, remembering that her job was to further the plot, "The Black Fossil must not fall into their hands… It needs to be used for the benefit of humanity…"
"I’ll find it, Alex," Jim said, getting into his role now that Alexandra had had her obligatory bit of melodrama, "I swear to you that your death will not be in vain."
"Thank you," Alexandra said, finally dying with a smile on her face, "Now kill him…"
"What now?" Reizvolle asked libidinously, "Is it over?"
"Yes," Adam said, "Now shut up so we can end this chapter."