Scorching heat surged through my body, my chest tightening and my head pounding, as the overwhelming realizations stormed down on me. A thick knot formed in the back of my throat, woven with fibers of guilt and self-loathing, as beads of sweat dotted my brow. Bile burned as it shot up my chest and, afraid I was going to be sick, I stood up from my bed to head toward the bathroom, but as I did, the strangest thing happened. For whatever reason, I glanced downward, and the old, ragged, black leather Bible I’d kept on my nightstand for as long as I could remember caught my eye, almost as if it was calling out to me.
Reaching out to grab it, I lowered myself back on the mattress and suddenly my stomach settled as I began to cool down. When I set the worn book on the bed in front of me, it automatically opened to where the spine had been creased from the countless number of times I had read the highlighted scripture in the eighth book of John, a series of verses I could recite in my sleep.
“So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed Him, ‘If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’”
I couldn’t begin to tell you how many times in high school and college I’d stayed up late into the night scouring my Bible for verses that would help me understand why I was having the feelings and urges I was having for Seth. All my life, I’d been taught that homosexuality was wrong, one of the dirtiest of sins, so when I began to fall in love with my best friend in a way I’d been told was against God’s will, I naturally panicked, freaked out, and then tried to find an explanation for it other than I was evil. And I always came back to that verse. God’s truth would set me free.
The gender of the person who I loved had no bearing on whether or not I believed Jesus Christ was the Son of God. Sleeping with Seth didn’t mean I lacked faith that he died on the cross for our sins and resurrected three days later, promising to return one day to take His people home. And lastly, wanting to share my life with Seth, both publicly and privately, had no effect on me being a kind, respectable, productive member of society, who spread love and the word of God to others.
Yes, I was also well aware of the passages in the Bible that discussed homosexuality, referring to it as an abomination that deserves the death penalty. That same Old Testament Law Code also included eating pork or shellfish and charging interests on loans as acts punishable by death, which is why in Hebrews it says the old law is obsolete and aging. So what was God’s truth? Did He judge my love for another man differently than He judged people who ate bacon or lobster and those who used credit cards? Would He prefer I live a lie for the rest of my life, pretending to be someone I wasn’t? Because last time I checked, that was a sin too. Or would He prefer I live a life full of love and happiness, spreading His word to those who did not yet believe?
I didn’t know the answers, but the bottom line was I believed the final judgement of what I did on Earth would be between me and my maker when I died, but for my life until that point I hadn’t lived my truth because I was too afraid of what everyone else would think. I thrived on acceptance—from my parents, from coaches and teammates, and from the public—and it was the fear of their rejection that had led me to taking advantage of and hurting the ones I loved, even if it wasn’t my intention.
I’ve always heard of people talking about defining moments in your life, and how you either define the moment or let the moment define you. I’d always thought that the times I was on the football field, making a big play or winning a game for my team, were my defining moments. They showed how well I reacted under pressure; it was how I earned the nickname “Clutch.” But as I sat there on my bed, reading and rereading John 8:31–32, it became clear this was my defining moment.
And for once in my life, I was going to come through in the clutch for the two people who deserved it most. And the truth of our marriage was going to set Monroe and Seth free.
“I closed my
eyes
softly and fell
in love with the
way I
remembered you:
body, soul,
and all.”
–Christopher Poindexter
Monroe
DRESSED IN A gray turtleneck sweater and black wool slacks that matched the dark circles under my eyes, I lumbered down the two flights of stairs from my bedroom to the living room, where Colin, Seth, Barry, and Allison waited for me to go over the details of the press conference that was scheduled to start in twenty minutes. It had been a little over twenty-four hours since the shit hit the fan, and though the last thing I wanted to do was step outside my house in front of millions of people watching online or on TV to judge me even more than they already had, I agreed to do it, because Colin had begged me to be by his side so we could appear as a united front.
We still had yet to talk about what would happen next, regarding our marriage and my relationship with Oliver, but Seth had advised me to give it a few days, until everything calmed down a bit before tackling that hurdle. I missed Oliver incredibly and hated that he couldn’t be with me as I dealt with everything, but I understood why, and for his safety, I didn’t ask him to come back. Though I picked up my phone to do just that at least a dozen times.
“Hey, honey, you look beautiful,” Allison said as she greeted me with a warm embrace.
Seeing her wear a beanie over her bald head made me smile a sad smile, and I hated that my and Oliver’s actions forced her to have to deal with such negative publicity for Mending Hearts. She and I had talked at length the night before when she’d arrived in Boston, and leaving out the Colin-and-Seth portion of the story, I’d told her everything about my and Oliver’s relationship, from the initial connection we’d felt at the MH gala in August, up until the morning before, when Seth had awoken us with the tabloids. Like a good friend, she didn’t pretend to have the answers or guarantee me everything would work out perfectly the way I wanted, but what she did do was truly listen and ensure me that it would all work out the way it was supposed to, and we’d all move forward regardless.
“Morning, Allie,” I replied, attempting a weak smile.
The three men moved toward me simultaneously, each one hugging me good morning. I feebly returned the gesture; my heart really wasn’t into much of anything.
“Do you want a granola bar or something before we get started?” Colin asked, cocking his head in the direction of the kitchen. “I’ll grab whatever you want.”
I shook my head and shifted over next to Seth, who looped his arm around my shoulder. “No, thank you. I’m not very hungry.”
“Okay, Roe. Just let me know if you need anything,” he replied, his harsh tone from yesterday having been replaced by the gentle Colin I remembered.
Barry cleared his throat and stepped toward the center of the room, garnering all of our attention. “All right, I just want to run down what’s going to happen with everyone really quick before we go out there,” he began, quickly glancing at each of us. “There is a small podium with a microphone set up out front. Police officers are stationed around the perimeter of the podium to prevent anyone who decides today is the day to act like a crazy asshole. Colin and Monroe will follow me up to the microphone, and Seth and Allison will stand off to the side, where Mr. and Mrs. Cassidy are already waiting. I will explain to the small city of media that this press conference is basically a statement from Colin and that he will not be taking questions. When Colin finishes speaking, you will all be ushered back inside the house, and the police department will see to it that the area is cleared in a timely manner. Does anyone have any questions?”
We all shook our heads and murmured a cohesive, “No.”
My pulse raced and my palms were clammy. I didn’t know how I could face these people after what they’d seen of me. Suddenly, my turtleneck and long pants didn’t cover enough. I needed a scarf too.
“Excellent.” He smiled and looked over at Colin. “I know you wanted a few minutes alone with Monroe before we start, so I’m going to go
ahead and walk Seth and Allison out. I’ll be waiting just outside the front door for whenever you’re ready.”
My husband nodded and thanked him, and then once they were all gone and it was just me and him inside, Colin coiled his arms around my shoulders and crushed me up against his body, making me forget about the scarf. “Oh, baby girl,” he whispered into my hair. “I love you so much, and I’m so sorry for everything. There’s no excuse for the way I’ve taken you for granted or how selfish I’ve been in this relationship, but I want you to know I plan on making up for it, and I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me.”
Leaning back slightly, but still holding onto my arms, his glassy eyes met mine and he treated me to one of his most endearing, boyish grins. “I don’t know how I got so lucky that day in Algebra to end up sitting next to you, but I want you to know not another day will go by that I don’t thank my lucky stars for having you in my life. I can’t even pretend to understand how this entire disaster has affected you, and I’m sorry I wasn’t more focused on you yesterday, but I’m gonna do my best to make it all better now.”
Confused about what he meant exactly, I opened my mouth to ask, but he placed a quick kiss to my forehead, grabbed my hand, and dragged me to the front door before I could get a word out. As he opened the door, the bright sun reflected against the fresh layer of powdered snow on the ground, momentarily blinding me as I shuffled my feet outside. Keeping my gaze downward, I focused on where our fingers intertwined, praying for the strength to get through the next half-hour.
I had no idea what Colin was planning on saying, but I assumed it was going to be along the lines of asking for privacy while our family worked through this difficult situation. It wouldn’t stop the speculative reports, but it would get rid of most of those who’d been camped outside overnight. And then we could figure out our next step. I didn’t have a whole lot of time to process his heartfelt apology at the door before being thrust into the spotlight, other than it gave me a brief glimpse of the Colin I always knew and loved.
Leading me over to the podium Barry had mentioned, Colin squeezed my hand when we stopped just behind the Patriot’s PR Director and waited for him to say his part. I didn’t look up at him. I couldn’t. Not yet. I didn’t want them to see me.
A minute or so later, he tugged on my arm, alerting me it was time to move again. I scuffled forward with him until there we were front-and-center, the focal point of a sea of people. All who had seen me naked.
Colin stepped up to the microphone to make his statement, releasing my hand in the process, and nausea rolled threw me. Closing my eyes, I inhaled a deep breath through my nose, counted to five, and blew it out. Then, I heard Colin’s voice. And I focused on his words.
“I have to be honest with you guys. Doing something like this is even harder than it looks,” he began with a light chuckle, nervously fidgeting with his collar as he flashed a charming smile toward the crowd. “Last night, I stayed up late working on what I was going to say today, writing and rewriting draft after draft, not happy with how any of them sounded. So I decided, against the strong recommendation of my public relations director,” he tossed a sly smirk over at Barry, “to come out here and speak from my heart, without a script. I’m gonna ask you to bear with me if I ramble a little.”
He paused to take a drink of water from the bottle sitting on the podium before continuing. “You know, sometimes life throws you a curve ball that completely blindsides you and knocks you on your butt, and when it happens, you think the effects are going to be devastating. Earth-shattering. That you’ll never recover. Everything you’ve worked so hard for vanishes . . . all of it just gone in the blink of an eye. That’s how I felt when I woke up yesterday morning. It was as if I’d just been run over by an eighteen-wheeler, who then stopped, put the rig in reverse, and plowed over me again. I thought all hope was lost, and I had no idea what I was going to do.
“But what I didn’t realize at the time was that curveball was part of God’s plan for me. He knew I needed to get knocked down, to remind me not only to be appreciative of the things I have, but also that He was in control and not me. Now, I know I’ve always been very open about my faith and my spirituality, and when I mention God’s name, I take the risk of losing some of you because you think, ‘Oh man, here he goes again with that stuff,’ but stay with me until I finish this time. I promise it’ll be worth it.”
Glancing over at me, he winked then turned back to the microphone. I had no idea what he was doing, or what he was getting at, and I wasn’t brave enough to make eye-contact with any of the reporters to see if they appeared to be equally confused.
“So after everything happened yesterday and I was back at home, I found myself with quite a bit of time alone to do some much-needed soul-searching and to really evaluate what my purpose was in this life. Through reading scripture and extensive prayer, I came to realize I wasn’t anything like the person who I pretend to be, the person you guys see when I’m out on the field or volunteering at the neighborhood soup kitchen. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that playing football isn’t my passion or that I don’t find immense joy helping others in need, because I do, and they’re both a huge part of who I am. But just like every single one of you, when I come home each day, the minute I step through that door and inside my house,” he pointed behind him, “I’m free to just be me, without anyone watching what I’m doing or passing judgement . . . or so I had fooled myself into believing.”
The smile on his face faded as he narrowed his brow. A chill ran down my spine.
“You see, what I lost sight of somewhere along the way is I believe the only one whose judgement ultimately matters is God’s, and He can see me all the time. There’s no hiding from Him. The person I am behind closed doors is just as much a part of my character as the football player and the volunteer is, and if my peers choose to judge me for who I am and what I believe, then that’s on them and not me. All I can do is try each and every day to be the best Christian I can be, and when my time comes, hope that I did enough to pass His judgement.”
He stopped and took a deep breath, priming himself for whatever he was about to say. My own body stiffened in preparation for the blow.
“Last night, after I made the realization that I’ve been so caught up in what other people think about me and the pretense of this perfect life I live, I also realized that while doing this, I’ve been hurting and taking advantage of the people I love the most. And that’s not who I want to be.” Shaking his head with disappointment, he sighed softly.
“So now you’re all probably wondering how any of this ties into leaked intimate photos of my wife with another man, and I’ll tell you.” He looked over at me and smiled my favorite smile, then pulled me next to him. “Monroe Cassidy is my closest friend in the entire world and I love her more than she will ever know, but what no one else knows until now is that we are husband and wife in name alone . . . because I’m gay.”
I gasped as my hands flew to my face and tears instantly started spilling down my cheeks. He did it. Oh, my God, he really did it.
When tapping the microphone in an attempt to get the attention of the frantic media didn’t work, Colin raised his hand in the air, and surprisingly, everyone quieted down.
“I understand there are many questions you all have, but as Mr. Maxwell indicated at the beginning of the press conference, we will not be answering any today. However, there are a few more things I’d like to address before I wrap this up and leave you all to have a field day seeing who can come up with the wittiest headline for my coming out speech,” he joked lightheartedly.
“First, please take down and stop running all of the photos of Monroe and the man who she loves dearly, out of respect for their privacy and because they were taken illegally. Also, if you or your publication were one of those who called into question the working environment that Mending Hearts harbors, the not-for-profit they both dedicate their lives to, I’m requesting that you print a retraction.
Mending Hearts is highly dependent on donations and sponsorships, and without these houses, many of the abused children who live there will be forced back into the system. And finally, with Super Bowl coming up in less than two weeks, it is my hope that during that time I can focus my attention on preparing to defeat a tough Seattle team and bringing a championship back to the city of Boston. Once that has passed, a Q&A-style press conference will be set up, probably at the team’s facility, in which I will further expound on the details of my private life and how I view my sexuality in the context of my spiritual beliefs. But until then, I’d appreciate if we can keep the questions centered around football and the upcoming game.”
Barry approached the podium and nodded his head at Colin, giving him the signal that he would take over from there. Pivoting on his heel, Colin grabbed my hand and tugged gently, leading me in the direction of our house. I stumbled over my own feet, still too in shock to move, but quickly recovered without falling. As soon as we walked inside, he picked me up, cradling me in his arms, and spun us around the living room with a gigantic smile plastered on his face.
“What are you doing?” I squealed, looking up at him in bewilderment. “And what in the world did you just do? Your parents are going to kill you.”
“I told the truth, so I could set you free, Roe,” he replied as he lowered me to the ground, cupping my face in his gigantic hands and kissing both of my cheeks. “It was something I should’ve done a long time ago so we both can live and love without hiding. And don’t worry about my parents. I called them last night and told them what I was going to do. I still need to have a long sit-down with them, but all in due time. They ensured me last night they love me unconditionally, no matter what they thought about the decisions I make in my life.”
“And Seth? Did he know you were gonna do that?”
Colin shook his head and looked down at the floor sheepishly. “No. I know I’ve put him through a lot over the years, and I’m not sure if it’s gonna be too little too late or if he’ll be interested in trying again. For real this time.”