Page 18 of Maurice

  "With regard to Mr Durham," said Maurice, feeling inclined to speak on this point: "It's quite correct that I cared for him and he for me once, but he changed, and now he doesn't care any more for me nor I for him. It's the end."

  "End o' what?"

  "Of our friendship."

  "Mr Hall, have you heard what I was saying?"

  "I hear everything you say," said Maurice thoughtfully, and continued in exactly the same tone: "Scudder, why do you think it's 'natural' to care both for women and men? You wrote so in your letter. It isn't natural for me. I have really got to think that 'natural' only means oneself."

  The man seemed interested. "Couldn't you get a kid of your own, then?" he asked, roughening.

  "I've been to two doctors about it. Neither were any good."

  "So you can't?"

  "No, I can't."

  "Want one?" he asked, as if hostile.

  "It's not much use wanting."

  "I could marry tomorrow if I like," he bragged. While speak­ing, he caught sight of a winged Assyrian bull, and his expres­sion altered into naive wonder. "He's big enough, isn't he," he remarked. "They must have owned wonderful machinery to make a thing like that."

  "I expect so," said Maurice, also impressed by the bull. "I couldn't tell you. Here seems to be another one."

  "A pair, so to speak. Would these have been ornaments?"

  "This one has five legs."

  "So's mine. A curious idea." Standing each by his monster, they looked at each other, and smiled. Then his face hardened again and he said, "Won't do, Mr Hall. I see your game, but you don't fool me twice, and you'll do better to have a friendly talk with me rather than wait for Fred, I can tell you. You've had your fun and you've got to pay up." He looked handsome as he threatened—including the pupils of his eyes, which were evil. Maurice gazed into them gently but keenly. And nothing re­sulted from the outburst at all. It fell away like a flake of mud. Murmuring something about "leaving you to think this over", he sat down on a bench. Maurice joined him there shortly. And

  it was thus for nearly twenty minutes: they kept wandering from room to room as if in search of something. They would peer at a goddess or vase, then move at a single impulse, and their unison was the stranger because on the surface they were at war. Alec recommenced his hints—horrible, reptilian—but somehow they did not pollute the intervening silences, and Maurice failed to get afraid or angry, and only regretted that any human being should have got into such a mess. When he chose to reply their eyes met, and his smile was sometimes re­flected on the lips of his foe. The belief grew that the actual situation was a blind—a practical joke almost—and concealed something real, that either desired. Serious and good-tempered, he continued to hold his own, and if he made no offensive it was because his blood wasn't warm. To set it moving, a shock from without was required, and chance administered this.

  He was bending over a model of the Acropolis with his fore­head a little wrinkled and his lips murmuring, "I see, I see, I see." A gentleman near overheard him, started, peered through strong spectacles, and said "Surely! I may forget faces but never a voice. Surely! You are one of our old boys." It was Mr Ducie.

  Maurice did not reply. Alec sidled up closer to participate.

  "Surely you were at Mr Abrahams's school. Now wait! Wait! Don't tell me your name. I want to remember it. I will remember it. You're not Sanday, you're not Gibbs. I know. I know. It's Wimbleby."

  How like Mr Ducie to get the facts just wrong! To his own name Maurice would have responded, but he now had the in­clination to lie; he was tired of their endless inaccuracy, he had suffered too much from it. He replied, "No, my name's Scudder." The correction flew out as the first that occurred to him. It lay ripe to be used, and as he uttered it he knew why. But at the instant of enlightenment Alec himself spoke. "It isn't," he said

  to Mr Ducie, "and I've a serious charge to bring against this gentleman."

  "Yes, awfully serious," remarked Maurice, and rested his hand on Alec's shoulder, so that the fingers touched the back of the neck, doing this merely because he wished to do it, not for an­other reason.

  Mr Ducie did not take notice. An unsuspicious man, he as­sumed some uncouth joke. The dark gentlemanly fellow couldn't be Wimbleby if he said he wasn't. He said, "I'm extremely sorry, sir, it's so seldom I make a mistake," and then, determined to show he was not an old fool, he addressed the silent pair on the subject of the British Museum—not merely a collection of relics but a place round which one could take—er—the less fortunate, quite so—a stimulating place—it raised questions even in the minds of boys—which one answered—no doubt inadequately; until a patient voice said, "Ben, we are waiting," and Mr Ducie rejoined his wife. As he did so Alec jerked away and muttered, 'That's all right. . .. I won't trouble you now."

  "Where are you going with your serious charge?" said Mau­rice, suddenly formidable.

  "Couldn't say." He looked back, his colouring stood out against the heroes, perfect but bloodless, who had never known be­wilderment or infamy. "Don't you worry—I'll never harm you now, you've too much pluck."

  "Pluck be damned," said Maurice, with a plunge into anger.

  "It'll all go no further—" He struck his own mouth. "I don't know what came over me, Mr Hall; I don't want to harm you, I never did."

  "You blackmailed me."

  "No, sir, no..."

  "You did."

  "Maurice, listen, I only ..."

  "Maurice am I?"

  "You called me Alec... . I'm as good as you."

  "I don't find you are!" There was a pause; before the storm; then he burst out: "By God, if you'd split on me to Mr Ducie, I'd have broken you. It might have cost me hundreds, but I've got them, and the police always back my sort against yours. You don't know. We'd have got you into quod, for blackmail, after which—I'd have blown out my brains."

  "Killed yourself? Death?"

  "I should have known by that time that I loved you. Too late ... everything's always too late." The rows of old statues tottered, and he heard himself add, "I don't mean anything, but come out­side, we can't talk here." They left the enormous and overheated building, they passed the library, supposed catholic, seeking darkness and rain. On the portico Maurice stopped and said bitterly, "I forgot. Your brother?"

  "He's down at father's—doesn't know a word—I was but threatening—"

  "—for blackmail."

  "Could you but understand..." He pulled out Maurice's note. "Take it if you like.... I don't want it.. . never did .... I sup­pose this is the end."

  Assuredly it wasn't that. Unable to part yet ignorant of what could next come, they strode raging through the last glimmering of the sordid day; night, ever one in her quality, came finally, and Maurice recovered his self-control and could look at the new material that passion had gained for him. In a deserted square, against railings that encircled some trees, they came to a halt, and he began to discuss their crisis.

  But as he grew calm the other grew fierce. It was as if Mr Ducie had established some infuriating inequality between them, so that one struck as soon as his fellow tired of striking. Alec said savagely, "It rained harder than this in the boathouse, it was yet colder. Why did you not come?"

  "Muddle."

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "You've to learn I'm always in a muddle. I didn't come or write because I wanted to get away from you without wanting. You won't understand. You kept dragging me back and I got awfully frightened. I felt you when I tried to get some sleep at the doc­tor's. You came hard at me. I knew something was evil but couldn't tell what, so kept pretending it was you."

  "What was it?"

  "The—situation."

  "I don't follow this. Why did you not come to the boathouse?"

  "My fear—and your trouble has been fear too. Ever since the cricket match you've let yourself get afraid of me. That's why we've been trying to down one another so and are still."

  "I wouldn't take a penny from you, I wouldn
't hurt your little finger," he growled, and rattled the bars that kept him from the trees.

  "But you're still trying hard to hurt me in my mind."

  "Why do you go and say you love me?"

  "Why do you call me Maurice?"

  "Oh let's give over talking. Here—" and he held out his hand. Maurice took it, and they knew at that moment the greatest triumph ordinary man can win. Physical love means reaction, being panic in essence, and Maurice saw now how natural it was that their primitive abandonment at Penge should have led to peril. They knew too little about each other—and too much. Hence fear. Hence cruelty. And he rejoiced because he had understood Alec's infamy through his own—glimpsing, not for the first time, the genius who hides in man's tormented soul. Not as a hero, but as a comrade, had he stood up to the bluster, and found childishness behind it, and behind that something else.

  Presently the other spoke. Spasms of remorse and apology broke him; he was as one who throws off a poison. Then, gather­ing health, he began to tell his friend everything, no longer ashamed. He spoke of his relations. . . . He too was embedded in class. No one knew he was in London—Penge thought he was at his father's, his father at Penge—it had been difficult, very. Now he ought to go home—see his brother with whom he re­turned to the Argentine: his brother connected with trade, and his brother's wife; and he mingled some brag, as those whose education is not literary must. He came of a respectable family, he repeated, he bowed down to no man, not he, he was as good as any gentleman. But while be bragged his arm was gaining Maurice's. They deserved such a caress—the feeling was strange. Words died away, abruptly to recommence. It was Alec who ventured them.

  "Stop with me."

  Maurice swerved and their muscles clipped. By now they were in love with one another consciously.

  "Sleep the night with me. I know a place."

  "I can't, I've an engagement," said Maurice, his heart beating violently. A formal dinner party awaited him of the sort that brought work to his firm and that he couldn't possibly cut. He had almost forgotten its existence. "I have to leave you now and get changed. But look here: Alec, be reasonable. Meet me an­other evening instead—any day."

  "Can't come to London again—father or Mr Ayres will be passing remarks."

  "What does it matter if they do?"

  "What's your engagement matter?"

  They were silent again. Then Maurice said in affectionate yet "dejected tones, "All right. To Hell with it," and they passed on together in the rain.

  44 "Alec, wake up."

  An arm twitched.

  "Time we talked plans."

  He snuggled closer, more awake than he pretended, warm, sinewy, happy. Happiness overwhelmed Maurice too. He moved, felt the answering grip, and forgot what he wanted to say. Light drifted in upon them from the outside world where it was still raining. A strange hotel, a casual refuge protected them from their enemies a little longer.

  "Time to get up, boy. It's morning."

  "Git up then."

  "How can I the way you hold me!"

  "Aren't yer a fidget, I'll learn you to fidget." He wasn't defer­ential any more. The British Museum had cured that. This was 'oliday, London with Maurice, all troubles over, and he wanted to drowse and waste time, and tease and make love.

  Maurice wanted the same, what's pleasanter, but the oncoming future distracted him, the gathering light made cosiness unreal. Something had to be said and settled. O for the night that was ending, for the sleep and the wakefulness, the toughness and tenderness mixed, the sweet temper, the safety in darkness. Would such a night ever return?

  "You all right, Maurice?"—for he had sighed. "You comfort­able? Rest your head on me more, the way you like more . . . that's it more, and Don't You Worry. You're With Me. Don't Worry."

  Yes, he was in luck, no doubt of it. Scudder had proved honest and kind. He was lovely to be with, a treasure, a charmer, a find in a thousand, the longed-for dream. But was he brave?

  "Nice you and me like this ..." the lips so close now that it was scarcely speech. "Who'd have thought.... First time I ever seed you I thought, "Wish I and that one...' just like that... 'wouldn't I and him ...' and it is so."

  "Yes, and that's why we've got to fight."

  "Who wants to fight?" He sounded annoyed. "There's bin enough fighting."

  "All the world's against us. We've got to pull ourselves to­gether and make plans, while we can."

  "What d'you want to go and say a thing like that for, and spoil it all?"

  "Because it has to be said. We can't allow things to go wrong and hurt us again the way they did down at Penge."

  Alec suddenly scrubbed at him with the sun-roughened back of a hand and said, "That hurt, didn't it, or oughter. That's how I fight." It did hurt a little, and stealing into the foolery was a sort of resentment. "Don't talk to me about Penge," he went on. "Oo! Mah! Penge where I was always a servant and Scudder do this and Scudder do that and the old lady, what do you think she once said? She said, 'Oh would you most kindly of your good­ness post this letter for me, what's your name?' What's yer name! Every day for six months I come up to Clive's bloody front porch door for orders, and his mother don't know my name. She's a bitch. I said to 'er, "What's yer name? Fuck yer name.' I nearly did too. Wish I 'ad too. Maurice, you wouldn't believe how serv­ants get spoken to. It's too shocking for words. That Archie Lon­don you're so set on is just as bad, and so are you, so are you. 'Haw my man' and all that. You've no idea how you nearly missed getting me. Near as nothing I never climbed that ladder when

  you called, he don't want me really, and I went flaming mad when you didn't turn up at the boathouse as I ordered. Too grand! We'll see. Boathouse was a place I always fancied. I'd go down for a smoke before I'd ever heard of you, unlock it easy, got the key on me still as a matter of fact... boathouse, looking over the pond from the boathouse, very quiet, now and then a fish jump and cushions the way I arrange them."

  He was silent, having chattered himself out. He had begun rough and gay and somehow factitious, then his voice had died away into sadness as though truth had risen to the surface of the water and was unbearable.

  "We'll meet in your boathouse yet," Maurice said.

  "No, we won't." He pushed him away, then heaved, pulled him close, put forth violence, and embraced as if the world was ending. "You'll remember that anyway." He got out and looked down out of the grayness, his arms hanging empty. It was as if he wished to be remembered thus. "I could easy have killed you."

  "Or I you."

  "Where's my clothes and that gone?" He seemed dazed. "It's so late. I h'aint got a razor even, I didn't reckon staying the night. ... I ought—I got to catch a train at once or Fred'll be thinking things."

  "Let him."

  "My goodness if Fred seed you and me just now."

  "Well, he didn't."

  "Well, he might have—what I mean is, tomorrow's Thursday isn't it, Friday's the packing, Saturday the Normannia sails from Southampton, so it's goodbye to Old England."

  "You mean that you and I shan't meet again after now."

  "That's right. You've got it quite correct."

  And if it wasn't still raining! Wet morning after yesterday's downpour, wet on the roofs and the Museum, at home and on

  the greenwood. Controlling himself and choosing his words very carefully, Maurice said, "This is just what I want to talk about. Why don't we arrange so as we do meet again?"

  "How do you mean?"

  "Why don't you stay on in England?"

  Alec whizzed round, terrified. Half naked, he seemed also half human. "Stay?" he snarled. "Miss my boat, are you daft? Of all the bloody rubbish I ever heard. Ordering me about again, eh, you would."

  "It's a chance in a thousand we've met, we'll never have the chance again and you know it. Stay with me. We love each other."

  '1 dessay, but that's no excuse to act silly. Stay with you and how and where? What'd your Ma say if she saw me all rough and ugly the way I am?"

/>   "She never will see you. I shan't live at my home."

  "Where will you live?"

  "With you."

  "Oh, will you? No thank you. My people wouldn't take to you one bit and I don't blame them. And how'd you run your job, I'd like to know?"

  "I shall chuck it."

  "Your job in the city what gives you your money and position? You can't chuck a job."

  "You can when you mean to," said Maurice gently. "You can do anything once you know what it is." He gazed at the grayish light that was becoming yellowish. Nothing surprised him in this talk. What he could not conjecture was its outcome. "I shall get work with you," he brought out: the moment to announce this had now come.

  "What work?"

  "We'll find out."

  "Find out and starve out."

  "No. There'll be enough money to keep us while we have a look round. I'm not a fool, nor are you. We won't be starving. I've thought out that much, while I was awake in the night and you weren't."

  There was a pause. Alec went on more politely: "Wouldn't work, Maurice. Ruin of us both, can't you see, you same as my­self."

  "I don't know. Might be. Mightn't. 'Class.' I don't know. I know what we do today. We clear out of here and get a decent breakfast and we go down to Penge or whatever you want and see that Fred of yours. You tell him you've changed your mind about emigrating and are taking a job with Mr Hall instead. I'll come with you. I don't care. I'll see anyone, face anything. If they want to guess, let them. I'm fed up. Tell Fred to cancel your ticket, I'll repay for it and that's our start of getting free. Then we'll do the next thing. It's a risk, so's everything else, and we'll only live once."

  Alec laughed cynically and continued to dress. His manner resembled yesterday's, though he didn't blackmail. "Yours is the talk of someone who's never had to earn his living," he said. "You sort of trap me with I love you or whatever it is and then offer to spoil my career. Do you realize I've got a definite job awaiting me in the Argentine? Same as you've got here. Pity the Normannids leaving Saturday, still facts is facts isn't it, all my kit bought as well as my ticket and Fred and wife expecting me."