Page 3 of Maurice

  "Oh, shut up," said the Dean.

  "But I am a child of light—"

  "Oh, shut up." And he turned the conversation on to normal lines. Risley was not egotistic, though he always talked about himself. He did not interrupt. Nor did he feign indifference. Gambolling like a dolphin, he accompanied them whitherso­ever they went, without hindering their course. He was at play, but seriously. It was as important to him to go to and fro as to them to go forward, and he loved keeping near them. A few months earlier Maurice would have agreed with Chapman, but now he was sure the man had an inside, and he wondered whether he should see more of him. He was pleased when, after lunch was over, Risley waited for him at the bottom of the stairs and said, "You didn't see. My cousin wasn't being human."

  "He's good enough for us; that's all I know," exploded Chap­man. "He's absolutely delightful."

  "Exactly. Eunuchs are." And he was gone.

  "Well, I'm—" exclaimed the other, but with British self-con­trol suppressed the verb. He was deeply shocked. He didn't mind hot stuff in moderation, he told Maurice, but this was too much, it was bad form, ungentlemanly, the fellow could not have been through a public school. Maurice agreed. You could call your cousin a shit if you liked, but not a eunuch. Rotten style! All the same he was amused, and whenever he was hauled in in the future, mischievous and incongruous thoughts would occur to him about the Dean.

  6 All that day and the next Maurice was planning how he could see this queer fish again. The chances were bad. He did not like to call on a senior-year man, and they were at different colleges. Risley, he gathered, was well known at the Union, and he went to the Tuesday debate in the hope of hear­ing him: perhaps he would be easier to understand in public. He was not attracted to the man in the sense that he wanted him for a friend, but he did feel he might help him—how, he didn't formulate. It was all very obscure, for the mountains still overshadowed Maurice. Risley, surely capering on the summit, might stretch him a helping hand.

  Having failed at the Union, he had a reaction. He didn't want anyone's help; he was all right. Besides, none of his friends would stand Risley, and he must stick to his friends. But the re­action soon passed, and he longed to see him more than ever. Since Risley was so odd, might he not be odd too, and break all the undergraduate conventions by calling? One "ought to be human", and it was a human sort of thing to call. Much struck by the discovery, Maurice decided to be Bohemian also, and to enter the room making a witty speech in Risley's own style. "You've bargained for more than you've gained" occurred to him. It didn't sound very good, but Risley had been clever at not letting him feel a fool, so he would fire it off if inspired to nothing better, and leave the rest to luck.

  For it had become an adventure. This man who said one ought to "talk, talk" had stirred Maurice incomprehensibly. One night, just before ten o'clock, he slipped into Trinity and waited in the Great Court until the gates were shut behind him. Look­ing up, he noticed the night. He was indifferent to beauty as a rule, but "what a show of stars!" he thought. And how the foun­tain splashed when the chimes died away, and the gates and doors all over Cambridge had been fastened up. Trinity men were around him—all of enormous intellect and culture. Maur­ice's set had laughed at Trinity, but they could not ignore its dis­dainful radiance, or deny the superiority it scarcely troubles to affirm. He had come to it without their knowledge, humbly, to ask its help. His witty speech faded in its atmosphere; and his heart beat violently. He was ashamed and afraid.

  Risley's rooms were at the end of a short passage; which since it contained no obstacle was unlighted, and visitors slid along the wall until they hit the door. Maurice hit it sooner than he ex­pected—a most awful whack—and exclaimed "Oh damnation" loudly, while the panels quivered.

  "Come in," said a voice. Disappointment awaited him. The speaker was a man of his own college, by name Durham. Risley was out.

  "Do you want Mr Risley? Hullo, Hall!"

  "Hullo! Where's Risley?"

  "I don't know."

  "Oh, it's nothing. I'll go."

  "Are you going back into college?" asked Durham without looking up: he was kneeling over a castle of pianola records on the floor.

  "I suppose so, as he isn't here. It wasn't anything particular."

  "Wait a sec, and I'll come too. I'm sorting out the Pathetic Symphony."

  Maurice examined Risley's room and wondered what would have been said in it, and then sat on the table and looked at Durham. He was a small man—very small—with simple man­ners and a fair face, which had flushed when Maurice blundered in. In the college he had a reputation for brains and also for exclusiveness. Almost the only thing Maurice had heard about him was that he "went out too much", and this meeting in Trin­ity confirmed it.

  "I can't find the March," he said. "Sorry."

  "All right."

  "I'm borrowing them to play on Fetherstonhaugh's pianola."

  "Under me."

  "Have you come into college, Hall?"

  "Yes, I'm beginning my second year."

  "Oh yes, of course, I'm third."

  He spoke without arrogance, and Maurice, forgetting due honour to seniority, said, "You look more like a fresher than a third-year man, I must say."

  "I may do, but I feel like an M.A."

  Maurice regarded him attentively.

  "Risley's an amazing chap," he continued.

  Maurice did not reply.

  "But all the same a little of him goes a long way."

  "Still you don't mind borrowing his things."

  He looked up again. "Oughtn't I to?" he asked.

  "I'm only ragging, of course," said Maurice, slipping off the table. "Have you found that music yet?"

  "No."

  "Because I must be going"; he was in no hurry, but his heart, which had never stopped beating quickly, impelled him to say this.

  "Oh. All right."

  This was not what Maurice had intended. "What is it you want?" he asked, advancing.

  "The March out of the Pathetique—"

  "That means nothing to me. So you like this style of music."

  "I do."

  "A good waltz is more my style."

  "Mine too," said Durham, meeting his eye. As a rule Maurice shifted, but he held firm on this occasion. Then Durham said, "The other movement may be in that pile over by the window. I must look. I shan't be long." Maurice said resolutely, "I must go now."

  "All right, I'll stop."

  Beaten and lonely, Maurice went. The stars blurred, the night had turned towards rain. But while the porter was getting the keys at the gate he heard quick footsteps behind him.

  "Got your March?"

  "No, I thought I'd come along with you instead."

  Maurice walked a few steps in silence, then said, "Here, give me some of those things to carry."

  "I've got them safe."

  "Give," he said roughly, and jerked the records from under Durham's arm. No other conversation passed. On reaching their own college they went straight to Fetherstonhaugh's room, for there was time to try a little music over before eleven o'clock. Durham sat down at the pianola. Maurice knelt beside him.

  "Didn't know you were in the aesthetic push, Hall," said the host.

  "I'm not—I want to hear what they're up to."

  Durham began, then desisted, saying he would start with the 5/4 instead.

  "Why?"

  "It's nearer waltzes."

  "Oh, never mind that. Play what you like. Don't go shifting— it wastes time."

  But he could not get his way this time. When he put his hand on the roller Durham said, "You'll tear it, let go," and fixed the 5/4 instead.

  Maurice listened carefully to the music. He rather liked it.

  "You ought to be this end," said Fetherstonhaugh, who was working by the fire. "You should get away from the machine as far as you can."

  "I think so—Would you mind playing it again if Fetherston­haugh doesn't mind?"

  "Yes, do, Durham. It is a jol
ly thing."

  Durham refused. Maurice saw that he was not pliable. He said, "A movement isn't like a separate piece—you can't repeat it"—an unintelligible excuse, but apparently valid. He played the Largo, which was far from jolly, and then eleven struck and Fetherstonhaugh made them tea. He and Durham were in for the same Tripos, and talked shop, while Maurice listened. His excitement had never ceased. He saw that Durham was not only clever, but had a tranquil and orderly brain. He knew what he wanted to read, where he was weak, and how far the officials could help him. He had neither the blind faith in tutors and lec­tures that was held by Maurice and his set nor the contempt professed by Fetherstonhaugh. "You can always learn some­thing from an older man, even if he hasn't read the latest Ger­mans." They argued a little about Sophocles, then in low water Durham said it was a pose in "us undergraduates" to ignore him and advised Fetherstonhaugh to re-read the Ajax with his eye on the characters rather than the author; he would learn more that way, both about Greek grammar and lif e.

  Maurice regretted all this. He had somehow hoped to find the man unbalanced. Fetherstonhaugh was a great person, both in

  brain and brawn, and had a trenchant and copious manner. But Durham listened unmoved, shook out the falsities and approved the rest. What hope for Maurice who was nothing but falsities? A stab of anger went through him. Jumping up, he said good night, to regret his haste as soon as he was outside the door. He settled to wait, not on the staircase itself, for this struck him as absurd, but somewhere between its foot and Durham's own room. Going out into the court, he located the latter, even knocking at the door, though he knew the owner was absent,, and looking in he studied furniture and pictures in the firelight. Then he took his stand on a sort of bridge in the courtyard. Un­fortunately it was not a real bridge: it only spanned a slight de­pression in the ground, which the architect had tried to utilize in his effect. To stand on it was to feel in a photographic studio, and the parapet was too low to lean upon. Still, with a pipe in his mouth, Maurice looked fairly natural, and hoped it wouldn't rain.

  The lights were out, except in Fetherstonhaugh's room. Twelve struck, then a quarter past. For a whole hour he might have been watching for Durham. Presently there was a noise on the staircase and the neat little figure ran out with a gown round its throat and books in its hand. It was the moment for which he had waited, but he found himself strolling away. Dur­ham went to his rooms behind him. The opportunity was pass­ing.

  "Good night," he screamed; his voice was going out of gear, and startling them both. "Who's that? Good night, Hall. Taking a stroll before bed?" "I generally do. You don't want any more tea, I suppose?" "Do I? No, perhaps it's a bit late for tea." Rather tepidly he added, "Like some whisky though?" "Have you a drop?" leaped from Maurice.

  "Yes—come in. Here I keep: ground floor."

  "Oh, here!" Durham turned on the light. The fire was nearly out now. He told Maurice to sit down and brought up a table with glasses.

  "Say when?"

  "Thanks—most awfully, most awfully."

  "Soda or plain?" he asked, yawning.

  "Soda," said Maurice. But it was impossible to stop, for the man was tired and had only invited him out of civility. He drank and returned to his own room, where he provided himself with plenty of tobacco and went into the court again.

  It was absolutely quiet now, and absolutely dark. Maurice walked to and fro on the hallowed grass, himself noiseless, his heart glowing. The rest of him fell asleep, bit by bit, and first of all his brain, his weakest organ. His body followed, then his feet carried him upstairs to escape the dawn. But his heart had lit never to be quenched again, and one thing in him at last was real.

  Next morning he was calmer. He had a cold for one thing, the rain having soaked him unnoticed, and for another he had overslept to the extent of missing a chapel and two lectures. It was impossible to get his life straight. After lunch he changed for football, and being in good time flung himself on his sofa to sleep till tea. But he was not hungry. Refusing an invitation, he strolled out into the town and, meeting a Turkish bath, had one. It cured his cold, but made him late for another lecture. When hall came, he felt he could not face the mass of Old Sunning-tonians, and, though he had not signed off, absented himself, and dined alone at the Union. He saw Risley there, but with indif­ference. Then the evening began again, and he found to his sur­prise that he was very clear-headed, and could do six hours' work in three. He went to bed at his usual time, and woke up

  healthy and very happy. Some instinct, deep below his con­sciousness, had advised him to let Durham and his thoughts about Durham have a twenty-four-hours' rest.

  They began to see a little of one another. Durham asked him to lunch, and Maurice asked him back, but not too soon. A caution alien to his nature was at work. He had always been cautious pettily, but this was on a large scale. He became alert, and all his actions that October term might be described in the language of battle. He would not venture on to difficult ground. He spied out Durham's weaknesses as well as his strength. And above all he exercised and cleaned his powers.

  If obliged to ask himself, "What's all this?" he would have re­plied, "Durham is another of those boys in whom I was inter­ested at school," but he was obliged to ask nothing, and merely went ahead with his mouth and his mind shut. Each day with its contradictions slipped into the abyss, and he knew that he was gaining ground. Nothing else mattered. If he worked well and was nice socially, it was only a by-product, to which he had de­voted no care. To ascend, to stretch a hand up the mountainside until a hand catches it, was the end for which he had been bom. He forgot the hysteria of his first night and his stranger recov­ery. They were steps which he kicked behind him. He never even thought of tenderness and emotion; his considerations about Durham remained cold. Durham didn't dislike him, he was sure. That was all he wanted. One thing at a time. He didn't so much as have hopes, for hope distracts, and he had a great deal to see to.

  7 Next term they were intimate at once. "Hall, I nearly wrote a letter to you in the vac," said Durham, plunging into a conversation.

  "That so?"

  "But an awful screed. I'd been having a rotten time."

  His voice was not very serious, and Maurice said, "What went wrong? Couldn't you keep down the Christmas pudding?"

  It presently appeared that the pudding was allegorical; there had been a big family row.

  "I don't know what you'll say—I'd rather like your opinion on what happened if it doesn't bore you."

  "Not a bit," said Maurice.

  "We've had a bust up on the religious question."

  At that moment they were interrupted by Chapman.

  "I'm sorry, we're fixing something," Maurice told him.

  Chapman withdrew.

  "You needn't have done that, any time would do for my rot," Durham protested. He went on more earnestly.

  "Hall, I don't want to worry you with my beliefs, or rather with their absence, but to explain the situation I must just tell you that I'm unorthodox. I'm not a Christian."

  Maurice held unorthodoxy to be bad form and had remarked last term in a college debate that if a man had doubts he might have the grace to keep them to himself. But he only said to Dur­ham that it was a difficult question and a wide one.

  "I know—it isn't about that. Leave it aside." He looked for a little into the fire. "It is about the way my mother took it. I told her six months ago—in the summer—and she didn't mind. She made some foolish joke, as she does, but that was all. It just passed over. I was thankful, for it had been on my mind for years. I had never believed since I found something that did me better, quite as a kid, and when I came to know Risley and his crew it seemed imperative to speak out. You know what a point they make of that—it's really their main point. So I spoke out. She said, 'Oh yes, you'll be wiser when you are as old as me': the mildest form of the thing conceivable, and I went away re­joicing. Now it's all come up again."

  "Why?"

  "Why? On account of
Christmas. I didn't want to communi­cate. You're supposed to receive it three times a year—"

  "Yes, I know. Holy Communion."

  "—and at Christmas it came round. I said I wouldn't. Mother wheedled me in a way quite unlike her, asked me to do it this once to please her—then got cross, said I would damage her reputation as well as my own—we're the local squires and the neighbourhood's uncivilized. But what I couldn't stand was the end. She said I was wicked. I could have honoured her if she had said that six months before, but now! now to drag in holy words like wickedness and goodness in order to make me do what I disbelieved. I told her I have my own communions. If I went to them as you and the girls are doing to yours my gods would kill me!' I suppose that was too strong."

  Maurice, not well understanding, said, "So did you go?"

  "Where?"

  "To the church."

  Durham sprang up. His face was disgusted. Then he bit his lip and began to smile.

  "No, I didn't go to church, Hall. I thought that was plain."

  "I'm sorry—I wish you'd sit down. I didn't mean to offend you. I'm rather slow at catching."

  Durham squatted on the rug close to Maurice's chair. "Have you known Chapman long?" he asked after a pause.

  "Here and at school, five years."

  "Oh." He seemed to reflect. "Give me a cigarette. Put it in my mouth. Thanks." Maurice supposed the talk was over, but after the swirl he went on. "You see—you mentioned you had a mother and two sisters, which is exactly my own allowance, and all through the row I was wondering what you would have done in my position."

  "Your mother must be very different to mine."

  "What is yours like?"

  "She never makes a row about anything."

  "Because you've never yet done anything she wouldn't ap­prove, I expect—and never will."