I returned to the bed, clutching the photo in tears. There were so many unknowns…would she and Cedric have gotten married and had the baby? Would she and I have met and become close? I would never know. As I continued to stare at the photo, my confused emotions continued. The photo made me jealous because he clearly cared for her, but it also made me mad because he was possibly going to break up with her a month later. And was she pregnant in the photo?
Just then, Elaine startled me, when she returned with the towels and saw me crying. She sat next to me on the bed and saw the photo in my hand, taking it gently away and looking at it.
“Cedric told me everything, you know,” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“Honey, we had put him in a very difficult position, Ed and I, asking him to be the one to find you. We never really considered, his feelings…how he might feel about you, what should now be obvious…that he could fall for you. We just wanted to know you were okay and for you to know about Amanda, because that was her wish. Cedric was already in Boston and with Ed so sick, it made the most sense to ask him to confront you.”
“What exactly did Cedric tell you about us?”
“He called sometime after you found the photo at his mother’s house. He was in tears, Allison. He confessed that he had found you months before, but had kept it from us and that you two had grown very close all those weeks. He was devastated because he knew he’d lost you.”
“That was a real shock, Elaine, finding out about her that way.” I sobbed.
Elaine put her arm around me. “I know it must have been…I am so sorry.” After a pause, she continued, “I asked him something that night though and I think you should know about it.”
I turned to her suddenly. “What?”
“Well, I could hear how tormented he was. I asked him if he was in love with you. He didn’t even hesitate, Allison. He told me he was.”
I let out a deep sigh. That was hard to hear. Even in his letter, he never used the word love. He had never said those words to me at all.
“Can I ask you something, Elaine?”
“Sure, honey.”
“How have you been able to forgive Cedric so easily? I mean, he thinks he’s to blame for the accident, but how do you feel?”
“Oh, honey. He wasn’t to blame for her losing control of the car. He was a kid who made a bad choice, like so many others. Cedric stayed by her side every second in that hospital. He would have given his own life to save hers and told me so many times. I do believe she was his best friend, but they were kids. Amanda was eighteen and Cedric was only twenty-two…he was older, yes, but still so young and immature. Deep down, I cannot be sure they would have lasted had the accident never happened. Neither one had lived their lives yet. Even if she had survived and had the baby, I still think it would have been too much for them to sustain their relationship at that age.
“How did you feel when you found out she had been pregnant?”
“We were shocked, of course. But we found out after she had lost the baby and while she was fighting for her life, so the issue wasn’t dealt with in the same way it might have been had she and the baby been healthy. I knew my daughter was on the pill, because we talked about that so I don’t know what happened…I guess nothing is 100-percent.”
“Thank you for answering my questions, Elaine. I know it must be hard to relive everything.”
“It’s okay, Allison. You know, when Cedric told me how he felt about you, I have to be honest. I didn’t understand how he could fall in love with someone so quickly. But now that I have met you, I think I understand exactly how that could happen.”
***
My trip to Illinois was only supposed to be a few days.
We spent most of the time at the house, making meals, playing cards and getting to know each other. Elaine cooked Amanda’s favorite Beef Stroganoff for me and showed me how to make it. They also showed me some of Amanda’s childhood videos and we all cried for different reasons: Ed and Elaine for what they lost, myself for what I never knew.
Overall, it felt as though I was visiting a long lost aunt and uncle. We got along well and they made me feel like part of a family, especially, Ed whose calm and welcoming demeanor got me to open up about everything that had been bothering me these past couple of years.
I poured my heart out to him about Nate, dropping out of grad school, losing my mother, finding my purpose and about falling hard for Cedric. He gave me some good advice and urged me to take one day at a time and that everything would work out. He told me to only worry about the day at hand. And today, there was no place I felt more wanted or needed than this brick home in Naperville.
The day before I was supposed to leave, Elaine had to work and someone had come to the house to stay with Ed. Elaine had told me that Ed had to quit his well-paying job as a technology consultant when he began receiving cancer treatments. Elaine, who never had to work during their marriage before, now had to return to the workforce to help pay for medical expenses, so she worked as a teachers aide at a local school. Part of that salary also paid for a visiting nurse type person to help take care of Ed while Elaine worked. This person would also help make meals and take Ed to appointments.
Elaine had mentioned that since I had been around, Ed seemed happier than he has been in a long time and he seemed to be stronger.
As I sat drinking my coffee, while a woman named Alicia tended to Ed, I had a light bulb moment. Why couldn’t I stay a little longer? I wasn’t exactly eager to get back to Boston and if Ed was in good spirits with me here, maybe I could help take care of him for Elaine and save them from having to hire help?
That night at dinner, before I had a chance to propose the idea to Elaine, Ed must have been reading my mind.
“Allison…I really wish you didn’t have to go so soon. I feel like we were just getting to know each other.”
“Well, it’s funny you say that. I was thinking of something and wanted to run it by you both.”
“Oh?” Elaine said.
“Well, I was thinking…maybe I could stay for a while. Not just to hang around…but maybe I could be the one taking care of Ed while you got to work? We could play cards and I could keep him company during his chemo…what do you think?”
“My goodness, Allison, that’s quite a sweet proposition, but don’t you have a life to get back to…what about your two jobs?
“The diner won’t miss me and I can take a leave of absence from my other job. Sure, my clients need me, but I think right now, Ed honestly needs me more. Besides, I owe it to my sister. She would help if she could be here.”
Elaine smiled but looked hesitant to accept my offer, until Ed spoke up.
Ed turned to us, clearing his throat. “Elaine, if I might give my two cents on what Allison is proposing?”
We both looked at him and let him speak.
“Aside from losing Amanda, battling this disease has been the darkest time of my life. Allison, whether you know it or not…your being here has taken that darkness away. I don’t want to keep you from your life in Boston, but if you are serious about staying here…there is nothing I would want more.”
My mouth formed a huge smile and I got up to hug him.
“It’s settled then,” I said.
***
I needed them as much as they needed me. That’s what it came down to.
Two and a half months later, Ed’s treatments ended and he was in remission. I had been there every day, with him for every treatment and it was safe to say, I had a new number one fan.
I think my bond with Ed, more so than Elaine, had something to do with the fact that I never experienced having a father. My mother couldn’t be replaced, but there was no competition for the role of Dad.
Ed quickly became very protective of me and the advice he gave me was more to the point and blunt than I remember getting from my Mom. Overall, I was figuring out that even though I never felt I needed one, it was pretty damn cool to have a father fig
ure.
One night after dessert, Elaine was cleaning up in the kitchen and Ed and I were sitting down in the living room when he turned to me. “I want you to know something, kid. If I knew that your birth mother had given birth to two girls, I would have adopted you too that day you were born. You would have been my daughter. It would have been for the sheer fact that you were Amanda’s twin. But I never got that opportunity. But let me tell you, now that I know you and the type of person you have become, I know that the right person raised you, because she did a tremendous job. I also know that I would choose you as a daughter today for more reasons that just the fact that you are genetically related to Amanda. You are the best kind of human being, the kind that always puts others before herself and I would have been so proud if your sister turned out to be just like you. I want you to know that from this day forward, you are not a fatherless child. You have a father. I want nothing more in this life to give you back just a fraction of the love you have shown me these past several weeks.”
Tears flowed heavily as I put my head on Ed’s shoulder. “Thank you. Thank you, Ed.”
He squeezed me tightly and turned to me, “That being said, Allison, as much as I don’t want to lose you, I think you need to face your life in Boston. I know that you were running away from all of the hurt and that hurt let us have you for a while. But I think until you face what you were running from, you won’t have the same kind of peace that I have found in facing you.”
He continued, “We haven’t told Cedric you have been here all this time, because I know that’s what you wanted. I know that you don’t want to face him…but when Elaine gave me the phone the night you confronted him with the photo, I heard the tears and pain in his voice. I knew then that you must have been pretty damn special for him to be so torn up about losing you. He loves you, Allison. I couldn’t have told you whether or not he truly loved Amanda the same way…but he loves you…that I know for sure.”
I thought about what Ed said. Cedric was in bad shape that night, barely unrecognizable when I walked in on him with that long beard and his normally translucent blue eyes were dark and tired. Could he really have been that torn up over me?
Did he really love me?
Did I love him?
I was pretty sure I knew the answer.
***
We decided that I would stay another couple of weeks and head back to Boston the day before Labor Day.
The plan was for me to fly out to Chicago again to visit in a couple of months and then Ed and Elaine would come out to Boston for the holidays.
I notified both the diner and Bright Horizon’s that I would be returning after Labor Day if they would have me back and requested that I be placed back with my original clients, although I was still waiting to hear on that.
My last day in Naperville, I wanted to go somewhere that I hadn’t been yet, but needed to visit before I left: Amanda’s grave.
I asked Ed and Elaine if it would be okay if I went alone, so Ed let me borrow his car.
As I drove into Pinewoods Cemetery, I followed the directions that they carefully wrote out for me so that I could find the plot.
I had stopped at a florist and picked out pink roses, which Ed told me, were Amanda’s favorite. I remembered the dried up pink rose in Cedric’s binder, the same binder where I found the photo and wondered if he took it from her burial service.
After driving up a hill and admiring the grassy scenery, I finally found the exact spot where my sister was buried.
Upon seeing the terracotta colored granite headstone, I immediately broke into tears, placing the roses down.
Amanda Rose Thompson June 2, 1984-May 1, 2002, Loving Daughter
It crossed my mind that had we known each other, it might have read ‘loving daughter and sister.’
I started to pray silently and willed Amanda to forgive me for all of my conflicting emotions surrounding her. I told her that I loved her, even though we had never met and promised that I would always look after Ed and Elaine.
Staying for about fifteen minutes, it dawned on me that my fresh flowers were not alone, not by any means. There were dozens of flowers, some old and some new strewn about.
Ed and Elaine had told me that with all of Ed’s treatments, they hadn’t been there for several months, so I found it peculiar that some, not all of these flowers seemed fresh. They weren’t planted; they were just laid down, like mine. Someone has been here…very recently. I wondered who it was, if not Ed and Elaine. I was happy that someone was thinking of my sister, though and visiting her.
As I turned around to leave, I took one more look back at the stone and blew a soft kiss. It was returned with a soft breeze and I liked to think that maybe it was her kissing me back.
When I returned to the car, I felt satisfied that I could now return to Boston having covered all of my bases here in Illinois.
I couldn’t wait to get back to Ed and Elaine’s and tell them about the flowers. Maybe they would know whom they were from.
As I started the ignition, the car hesitated and wouldn’t start. That was strange. I tried it again and the same thing happened. Was the battery dead? I knew nothing about cars.
Shit.
I didn’t want to bother Ed and Elaine. Thankfully, I had AAA and immediately took my card out of my wallet and called the number. AAA said the approximate wait time would be twenty to thirty minutes, so I could handle that.
Twenty minutes came and went and as I sat in my car, I noticed another car pull up behind me. It was an older rust colored Toyota Corolla. It was pretty desolate out here, so I crossed my fingers that it wasn’t someone shady.
A teenage boy with shaggy brown hair and tattooed covered arms got out and walked slowly over to the headstones. He was carrying purple hydrangeas and my heart dropped when he stopped right at Amanda’s stone.
Oh. My. God.
This was the person leaving the flowers. But who was he? He couldn’t be more than sixteen or seventeen.
He stood in front of the stone with his head down and then kneeled down to place the flowers down.
I stared at him for a few minutes and my curiosity was about to kill me, so I got out of the car, slowly approaching the boy.
“Hi,” I said.
The boy jumped and turned around. “Oh…hey. You scared me,” he said.
“Sorry…um…did you know Amanda?” I asked as I approached him.
The boy was silent for a few seconds then spoke. “Yeah…um…well, not really. I didn’t really know her, but—”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, I mean, I never really met her. I don’t even know what she looked like…but she was related to me.”
“Related? How?”
He looked me up and down. “Who are you?” he asked.
I hesitated, and then decided there was only one answer. “I am her twin sister.”
The boy stepped back as if he was scared of me and squinted his eyes as if to examine me.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Allison…and you are?”
He seemed stunned by my answer and didn’t immediately respond.
“Jake…my name is Jake.”
“Are you the one who has been leaving all these flowers?”
He nodded. “Yeah…well, not just me. Me and my Mom.”
“Who is your Mom?”
The boy didn’t say anything…his hands started to shake and he took out a cigarette and nervously lit it, blowing the smoke away from me. He then slowly turned to look at me and I got the first real look at his eyes. They were amazing…green with gold speckles.
They were my eyes.
“Jake?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you my brother?”
He paused, took a long drag of his cigarette, and then blew it out slowly.
“Yeah.”
***
I had a brother…a brother…Jake. And he was a badass.
He figured out right away wha
t was wrong with the car and had it fixed well before AAA ever showed up.
We stood outside leaning against the parked cars, just staring at each other and without the distraction of the broken down vehicle, we were faced to discuss the inevitable.
“How did you find out about Amanda, Jake?”
“About six months ago, this investigator guy came to our house. We live on the south side of Chicago. His last name was Samuels. He asked my mother if she had given birth to twin girls in 1984. I was like…what?”
“So, what did your mother say?”
“She just looked at me, like she was afraid to say anything, like she wanted me to leave the room. And then I nearly shit my pants, because she started crying…like really hard and told him, that yeah, she had. I was like…holy shit. She told him she was messed up then, ran away from home and was on drugs and that some dealer had gotten her pregnant.”
I nearly fell to the ground at that revelation and felt like I was going to vomit. That answered one of my questions. My birth father was a drug dealer.
Jake continued as I listened stunned. “She wanted to know why he was looking for her and asked if they…you know…you…the girls were okay. The investigator told her that one of the girls had died in an accident a long time ago and that the other one lived in Boston. That’s you?”
“Yeah…that’s me,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief.
“So, Mom was like hysterical because he said Amanda was dead. Then she asked, how he found us and the investigator explained that Amanda’s parents hired him to find the other sister and that in the middle of all that he found my mother, even though they hadn’t asked him to.”
“Your mom…what’s she like?”
“She’s cool, Allison, really cool. It’s just her and me now. She was real messed up when she was young, like when she was my age, but she ended up getting clean, went to school, became a medical assistant and met my dad, but he died in a motorcycle accident when I was five, so it’s just us.”