******
The next morning, Radhika tiptoed to the kitchen and found her sister already there making coffee. Radhika paused at the doorway, watching her sister as she picked up another mug from the shelf and spooned coffee into it.
"Breakfast is at the table." Pooja told her.
The thought of food made her nauseous. She put her hand on the doorway and then pushed herself inside the kitchen. Walking up to her sister, she could hear the voice in her head screaming at her to stop for what she was about to do.
Pooja poured hot water from the kettle into the mugs and was stirring in the sugar, when Radhika stood closer.
"I want to know." she said. The silence felt heavy until it was broken by the clattering of the spoon as it slipped from Pooja's fingers and onto the counter.
Pooja's shoulders stiffened and Radhika saw her take a deep breath.
"You don't." she answered, her voice robotic. "You begged us to make you forget."
"But I didn't." Radhika said. "Whatever we did, didn't work. I keep having these vivid dreams..." She stopped suddenly as realization hit her. "That boy...I know him?"
Pooja turned around slowly with tears in her eyes. She opened her mouth, but again no words came. Instead, she nodded and Radhika could feel her stomach getting cold. The truth was stirring inside her and her hands started to tremble.
"Why do I know him?" Her voice emitted through a frozen passage.
A tear rolled down Pooja's face and she clutched the counter behind her. Her eyes were wide and scared and when she spoke, her voice was tearful. "Radhika....he was...he was your son."
Those words rumbled around her and Radhika put a hand on her mouth to stop her sobs. Something else awoke inside her, churning memories in her mind until she started to see a blur of images.
"No..." she said, as the pictures grew vivid.
Pooja took her wrist in hers. "Radhika, Rohan was your son. He...." she paused as if considering something and then bit down on her lip before continuing. "He died. You couldn't take the pain of his loss and...we went to Dr. Mehta who performed hypnosis on you. He told you that he couldn't make the memories go away successfully but you were adamant. You pleaded to him to try and he, despite his judgment, agreed." Pooja was in tears now.
Radhika stepped back in horror and pulled her wrist away from her sister's grasp. She had been hypnotized?
Radhika felt her back touch the wall as the confined memories came flooding in. She remembered Dr. Mehta- a man in his fifties with balding head and dark narrow eyes behind golden-rimmed glasses.
She remembered his office- white walls, a brown long sofa across from the Doctor's back swivel chair. There had been a plant near the window which had blinds on them.
Then she remembered herself, crying in front of him, begging him to make her forget.
"Hypnosis can be used to ease the pain associated to those bad memories." He had told her kindly. "Forgetting will not help you move on with your life."
"I don't care!" she had sobbed, putting both hands in her hair. "Please...please make me forget. It's my fault....I'm responsible for his death!"
"I'm responsible for his death." Radhika said in a stoic tone and looked up at her sister who was weeping quietly. "Why did I say that?"
"Radhika, you don't want to know. It took a long time and a painfully long session for the hypnosis to be successful." Pooja said. "You don't want to know."
"What did I do?" Radhika put a hand to her head then as a dull throbbing began. "Wait...I was married?"
Pooja looked even more distraught as those words were uttered.
"Oh no..." Radhika felt a dull pain start up her legs and then arms until it reached around her back. She uttered a small cry as she was hit by another memory.
She saw a tall boorish man, standing above her. He had wavy black and a thick moustache over his narrow lips. He had a belt wound around his hand and Radhika saw herself whimpering and begging before he raised his hand and lashed her with the belt.
"Sahir." a voice was barely a whisper.
Pooja came forward. "Radhika, you don't want to remember what happened. You can't take the pain."
Radhika slid down the wall and sat on the floor with her knees raised as the memories overwhelmed her. "He killed him....He killed my son!"
Pooja knelt beside her. "Radhika, look at me." she said. "He's gone. He can't hurt you anymore."
"But he hurt him! He killed Rohan!" Radhika could feel the hysteria growing inside her. "It was my fault!"
Pooja took her sister's face in her hands and made her look into her eyes. "No! No! It wasn't your fault." she said sternly. "Sahir was an abuser. He used to beat you and one day, he hurt you so badly, that Rohan ran to your rescue. But that bastard pushed him away so hard that he hit his head on the wall. It was Sahir's fault, not yours!"
"It was my fault!" Radhika cried. "I couldn't raise my voice against him. He kept hurting me and I lived in the delusion that once we had a child, he would reform. I put my son's life in danger." Radhika broke out into loud sobs. "I should have walked away. I should have taken Rohan away from that man. I should have left him long ago."
Pooja put her arms around her sister. "He can't hurt you anymore." she said in a soft voice. "Sahir is behind bars. He can't hurt you anymore."
"He already did!" Radhika wailed. "He took away my son. He killed him!" She leaned her head back against the wall and let her tears flow. "I should have saved my son. It's my fault. All mine!"
Pooja hugged her tighter, but the pain ripped through Radhika and she found it hard to breathe. The images of her son clamored at her and she tried to squeeze away those memories futilely.
She kept seeing herself, lying on the floor as blood oozed from the numerous cuts on her arms and legs. Then she saw Sahir advance with his belt still in his hands. She could even remember the streaks of her own blood on the leather.
As Sahir drew closer, she had cowered into the corner, whimpering and pleading with him to let her go, but Sahir had only grinned maliciously. That was when Rohan had entered.
"Ma?" She could never forget how much fear was in that little voice.
Sahir had turned and screamed at him to leave but Rohan had rushed to his Mother. He had just been about to touch her when Sahir had shoved him away roughly. There was a cry and then a loud crack as Rohan's head hit the wall.
"No!" Radhika screamed. "No! No!"
"Radhika, it's over. All that happened three months ago...."
"No..." Radhika cried. "I can't..I can't breathe...I can't take it... The pain is too much..." She put her face in her hands and sobbed.
"It'll be okay. You'll be okay. I'll help you get through this. We'll both..."
"No!" Radhika screamed. "No, no." Wiping her tears she looked up at her sister. "Make me forget this. Make me forget everything again. I don't want to remember."
"Radhika, could you really live your whole life without a single memory of your son?" Pooja asked.
Radhika stared blankly at nothing. "The only thing I can't live with is the guilt." Then she turned to her sister. "Take me to Dr. Mehta."
Excerpt from Aadita
One
Raina chewed fiercely on the piece of gum in her mouth as she mopped the kitchen floor. This was insane! This wasn’t even her house and here she was cleaning up a spill she hadn’t even made.
“Speed up!” Uncle Rabindra said from the next room. “I have more chores for you.”
“Gee, thanks,” Raina screamed back and considered spitting the gum out and sticking it on her uncle’s chair. That would provide her with ten minutes of fun before her uncle noticed it and punished her with more chores.
“After you’re done, you could call your parents,” Aunt Lily suggested.
“No thanks,” Raina said and continued pushing the mop back and forth on the floor.
“Ever since you arrived two weeks ago, you haven’t spoken to them even once!” Aunt Lily said. “They’re worrie
d about you.”
Raina gave a sarcastic laugh. “If they really cared, they wouldn’t have sent me to this dump in the first place. No offense.”
“How could I not be offended?” Aunt Lily asked.
“Just leave me alone, okay?” Raina said and turned her back towards her. She relaxed her shoulders when she heard her aunt walk away. She hated this! And she hated this town! Her parents were being so unreasonable, sending her to this dumpy old town where there was absolutely nothing to do and all because of one little mistake.
It wasn’t her fault. The one to blame for her current predicament was a girl in her class who had done nothing but lay misery upon her from the time they had met. And what punishment did she get? Nothing! And here she was, stuck making up for an offense that wasn’t her fault to begin with.
Raina leaned the mop on the counter and looked out the kitchen window. Her parents had tried grounding her, taking away her allowance and even taking away her cell phone and, when she had still gone and gotten a tattoo against their wishes, they had sent her to Uncle Rabindra’s. Her uncle had been in the army and was retired and she was pretty sure her uncle must have called his brother and offered to take charge of her.
And so here she was… in a drab old house, in a boring town, all alone with her aunt and uncle whose three sons were in the army, too. Raina lifted up her t-shirt to reveal a dragon tattoo above her hip. She hadn’t even wanted to do this, but ever since she had known her parents’ stand on tattoos, she was bent on having one at any cost.
“Aren’t you done yet?” Uncle Rabindra asked.
Raina stared at his bald head and wondered how he would react if she asked him if his head needed a mopping too?
“Why? Do you want me to paint the whole house now?” Raina asked sweetly.
“No, just the garage.” Uncle Rabindra said and picked up an apple from the fruit bowl.
“You’re kidding, right?”
“I don’t kid.” Uncle Rabindra bit into the apple and cocked an eyebrow. “But you do have two more options.”
“Oh, do tell,” Raina said sardonically and leaned on the counter.
“You can either paint the garage, clean the roof gutters or clean out the attic,” Uncle Rabindra said.
“Rabindra!” Aunt Lily said coming up behind him. “She’s a girl! You can’t ask her to climb up the roof."
“Or...”Uncle Rabindra said and raised a finger. “You can take ten laps all around the town.”
“You’re not in the military anymore, Uncle, and you’re definitely not running a correctional institute,” Raina said.
Uncle Rabindra threw the apple into the dustbin and walked slowly towards her. “Now listen here!” he said quietly. “You will do exactly as I say or I’ll make your life a living hell!”
“Rabindra!” Aunt Lily said. “She’s your niece, for heaven’s sake.”
“I’m well aware of this fact. But I can also see the path she’s chosen and there’s no way I’m going to let her ruin our family’s reputation. She was in jail! The first member of our family to ever be in jail for vandalism,” Uncle Rabindra said.
“Whatever!” Raina said. “I’m taking the attic.”
Raina pushed past him and smiled as she heard Uncle Rabindra grumbling. She enjoyed getting under his skin and seeing him boiling with anger but unable to do anything about it.
She pulled down the stairs to the attic and climbed up while her uncle and aunt argued about something. Once upstairs, she sighed and turned on a flashlight that was lying on a box. The flashlight flickered twice before it switched on and Raina frowned when she saw three spiders crawling on the floor.
“Great!” she said, and picked up an old magazine from a box. She rolled it and knelt down on the floor. “Come on, little spidey!” she said and swatted at them quickly. “There we go!”
She threw the magazine aside and groaned when she saw hundreds of boxes lined up. Was she supposed to sort them or throw them out? Raina got up and shone her flashlight all around the boxes. The beam hit one of the boxes labelled ‘Photographs’ and she made her way towards it. If she was lucky, she might find some embarrassing photographs of Uncle Rabindra and then blackmail him with them.
Raina snickered to herself. Who was she kidding? When had her uncle done anything fun that had ever led to some embarrassing situation? She imagined him to be prim and proper from the day he was born.
Did he even cry when he was born? Raina thought idly, opening the box and saw that it filled with albums. “This is going to take a while.” she told herself. She flickered through one of them and frowned. Pictures of the family!
Raina sat on one of the crates and studied the albums. So many pictures and so many memories. She found a picture of herself in one of the albums and stared at it.
She must have been eight then, standing in a pretty frock with an ice cream cone as her parents forced a smile on their faces. Uncle Rabindra’s sons and her cousins were in it, too, and at least they weren’t feigning their smiles. Rohan, the eldest, had been twenty-four years old then while his brothers, Ritwik and Shane, had been twenty-two and nineteen respectively.
Raina smiled to herself. They had always taken care of her and showered her with affection. And then they had left for the army and she had never seen them again. They were all probably stationed in different parts of the country, but Raina was never told where.
It hurt that they hadn’t bothered to keep in touch with her. Like everyone else in her family, they too had deserted her when she had needed them the most. Raina closed the album and threw it into the box. She didn’t have to think about them anymore or even care. If they didn’t, then why should she? Besides, she could solve her problems herself.
She leaned forward on the crate and stared at the box of albums filled with pictures of her whole family—everyone who hadn’t been there when she had needed them. Without thinking, she pushed the box away, which resulted in all the albums and pictures being scattered all over the floor.
She sighed and knelt down to pick up the upturned box. “This is just perfect!” she groaned.
“What was that noise?” Uncle Rabindra asked, popping his head through the opening.
“The box of photos, er... fell.” she said.
“That’s very careless of you.” Uncle Rabindra said and to her dismay started to climb up to the attic. “Those photos are very important to us.”
“And that’s why they’re very carefully stashed in the attic.” Raina said and scooped up the photos and threw them into the box.
“You little brat!”
“Rabindra!” Aunt Lily cried from downstairs. "Don't scold her!"
“Stay out of this!” Uncle Rabindra said angrily and then turned his attention back to her. “Don’t you know how...?”
“Who’s this?” Raina asked suddenly. The picture in her hand was black and white and of an adolescent girl. Her hair was open and long, her eyes dark and her mouth small and pouty.
Uncle Rabindra gave a gasp of surprise and stormed towards her. He snatched the picture from her fingers and Raina winced in pain as the photo scratched her index finger.
“She is no one!” Uncle Rabindra yelled and right before her, he tore the picture in pieces and flung them on the floor. “Now pick it up!”
“Rabindra, she’s hurt!” Aunt Lily said softly.
Uncle Rabindra saw the droplet of blood on her finger and sneered. “Give her a small bandage.”
Raina wiped her finger on her jeans and stood up. “That’s fine.”
Aunt Lily walked towards her with a sympathetic look on her face and Raina wondered how her aunt could tolerate him. Then she remembered something and went downstairs to find her uncle.
She saw him sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, perturbed by something.
“You said I could have the evening off if I do all my chores,” Raina said. “So, may I?”
Uncle Rabindra wrung his hands. “Be back at nine. And if you get int
o any more trouble, there will be hell to pay! I want you to walk in the door at exactly nine. Not a minute after that. You hear me?”
Raina opened her mouth to protest and then decided it was of no use. She stepped out the room and saw her aunt coming with a bandage. “I’m fine,” she told her and then went up to her room. Once inside, she jumped into her bed and stared at the ceiling, wondering if she should cry or scream.
She wished Uncle Rabindra hadn’t voluntarily retired from the army. Why couldn’t he just go somewhere? If only she could find his weak point!
Raina sat up suddenly. The picture of that girl! Hadn’t she seen the look of shock on his face when he had seen her picture? Who was she anyway? She smiled slowly. Maybe, just maybe, it might have been Uncle Rabindra’s ex-girlfriend. It couldn’t have been Aunt Lily or he wouldn’t have reacted that way.
“I have to find out who she is or was,” Raina said to herself. Maybe if she dug up a little dirt on him, she might have the upper hand and she could finally go back home.
Two