“They seemed cold and unfeeling. She needs parents who are warm and welcoming.”
I see no foundation behind the things Bleu is finding wrong with these couples. “You say these people were cold and the first husband and wife were too young. Which, by the way, they happen to be older than we are. You got an overall bad feeling about the second couple because you claim they didn’t smile enough. You’re going to find something wrong with anyone who wants her.”
“Choosing a family for Lourdes is an enormous responsibility that I accepted. Getting it wrong means we sentence her to an unhappy life. Nothing is wrong with being picky on her behalf. Think of it as me trying to make a good match for her, only with parents.”
“None of these couples are going to mistreat her. They’re all very well aware they’ll have me to answer to if they do.”
“They’ll have to answer to me as well because I can’t let anyone have her without watching their every move.”
I’m not sure when Bleu thinks she’ll have time to be a social worker since she’ll soon have her own babies keeping her busy.
“Let’s hope this last couple is the right family for her.”
Agnes appears at my office door. “The last couple is here.”
“Thank you. You can show them back.”
Bringing Agnes out to help Bleu with the house was one of the better decisions I’ve made. She has been more assistance than we could’ve imagined with caring for Lourdes.
Our last couple of the day arrives. Like the others we’ve interviewed today, I’ve known Josh and Rachel Glenn my entire life. They’re good people and would love Lourdes as their own. I’m sure of it.
“You’ve met my wife Bleu?”
“Yes. We met at the initiation ceremony,” Josh says.
“And I’m in your women’s self-defense class on Tuesdays.” Good. Maybe that means Bleu has some kind of relationship with Rachel.
“Of course I remember you. You signed up for the beginner Muay Thai class as well.”
“I did, and I am very excited about it. Have you found an instructor yet?”
“I’m interviewing with a master next week. I’m hoping he’ll be a good fit for our group. I want a male instructor with a larger build so the women can gain hands-on experience with fighting against a larger assailant.”
“That’s smart. You make it sound like so much fun. I’m eager to get started.”
The meeting with Josh and Rachel goes perfectly. Far better than the first three so I’m wondering what in the world Bleu can find wrong with them. “I think that’s all the questions we have. Can you think of anything else?”
Bleu shakes her head, saying nothing.
“We’ll be in touch after we make a decision.”
Bleu trails behind to see them out. “Thank you for coming. I’ll see you on Tuesday night.”
I wait until they’re gone to say anything. “That was unquestionably a better interview than the others, don’t you agree?”
“It was, but I’m still not sure they’d be right.”
“What could you have possibly found wrong with them?”
She shrugs, saying nothing.
“They’re perfect, Bleu. Mature. Stable. They clearly want a child.”
“I can’t argue that. They are all of those things.”
“They would love Lourdes, so what is wrong?”
“They aren’t us.”
I knew this would happen. “I understand that you care deeply for Lourdes but we can’t keep her. We have two more that will be here soon. Three is too many.”
“You aren’t saying anything I’m not already aware of but I don’t know how to let her go.”
“You do it because you love her and want the best for her.”
“I do. But what if I think we’re best for her?”
Bleu has no idea what she’d be setting herself up for. “You can’t take on raising a third baby when you don’t yet know what it is to mother two.”
Her jaw is set. She’s ready to argue. “I’ve been taking care of her all week. I know it won’t be easy to split myself three ways, but I’m not afraid of the challenge. I’m much more fearful of what letting her go will feel like.”
“You’re letting your heart dictate your actions. You have to use your head on this.”
“I am listening to what my heart is telling me. I’m not ignorant to what keeping Lourdes means. It’ll be difficult but not impossible. I’m certain giving her away will be much harder.”
Bleu acts as though we’re throwing her away. We’re not. We’d be entrusting her to a family who will love and cherish her. “She’ll be adopted by a good family within our circle who will raise her with love. She’ll remain within our family. You’ll be able to watch over her.”
“I don’t want to watch over her from afar. I want to be her mother.”
“You’re going to be a mother to our two babies. Let a woman without a chance have this opportunity.” It’s the only right thing to do.
“I’m very aware of how selfish I’m being. Keeping her means I’m taking another woman’s chance at being her mother. I should be ashamed of that, but I’m not.”
Keeping her will have an impact on our children. Our marriage. She’ll be another person I have to share Bleu with. I’m not sure I can do it.
“We don’t have to make this decision right now. Our day before the judge isn’t scheduled until October.”
The twins will be here by then and she’ll have a full taste of what it’ll be like to care for three newborns at once. This situation will likely fix itself.
She comes to me and puts her arms around my neck. She rises on tiptoes and presses a kiss to my lips. “I understand you aren’t saying yes, but thank you for not saying no.”
“I always want to give you everything you want but I don’t know if I can give in on this.”
“A week isn’t long enough to make this kind of commitment. Let’s give it time. I’m confident that the right answer will come to us.”
“You are going to be a wonderful mother.” It’s so apparent in the way she cares for Lourdes.
“I love you.” She rises again, this time kissing the side of my neck. “She’s asleep. We should have at least thirty minutes before she wakes for her next feeding.”
She tugs on my hands. “Come to the bedroom with me.”
I’d better take her up on her offer at every opportunity. I’m not sure there will be many of them after the babies get here. “How could I possibly decline such an attractive invitation?”
* * *
Four more weeks under the pregnancy belt. Judging by the size of Bleu’s belly, the babies have grown a ton this month. She looks like she might pop any minute.
The complications associated with twins are rearing their ugly heads. Borderline blood sugars. Rising blood pressure. Lots of Braxton Hicks whenever she’s active. Luckily, the contractions aren’t enough to send her into preterm labor but who knows when that could change? All of these things combined were enough to convince Dr. Kerr that Bleu needs to be on modified bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy.
A one-month-old does not understand the concept of bed rest.
The majority of Lourdes’s care should have fallen to my shoulders when Bleu was put to bed but I’m not here all the time. Hell, I’m not even here half the time. Changes are happening within The Fellowship and our alliance with The Guild. I’m expected to oversee that.
We’ve been forced to hire Agnes as a nanny in addition to housekeeping. It’s working out, but she can’t be here twenty-four/seven. Lourdes requires care around the clock so my mum comes to help Bleu when Agnes is off.
I don’t have a fucking clue how we’re managing to make this work, but we are. For now.
I meet my mother in the living room when I come into the house.
“Thank God you’re back.”
I was only gone two days. “Something wrong?”
“Everything’s fine. I just can’t help
myself from worrying about you more now that you have a family. All went well this trip to Dublin?”
“Aye. We negotiated the takeover for October.”
Three months and The Order will cease to exist. It won’t come a moment too soon. “The Guild understood that I couldn’t agree to anything earlier since the babies are due in September.”
“You and I both know she’ll never make it that long.”
I’m hopeful she’ll last another six weeks so the babies won’t have to be admitted to the neonatal intensive care unit. But I can’t lie. The blood sugars. The blood pressure. The Braxton Hicks contractions. All of it worries me.
“How is she?”
“Fine. She had me put Lourdes in bed with her about twenty minutes ago. They’re both sleeping.”
My mum and I haven’t had a chance to discuss the newest addition to our household. “Bleu is utterly in love with Lourdes.”
I say her name and even my mum lights up. “I can’t say I blame her. She’s pretty easy to love.”
“Bleu wants to adopt her. That’s crazy, right? Taking on a baby who doesn’t belong to us when we have two of our own on the way?”
“I think Bleu feels complete for the first time in her life. She finally has the ability to nurture. That’s what she wants to do.”
“But we have two babies on the way who she can nurture.”
“You’re failing to see what’s happening here. Lourdes has been orphaned. Bleu sees herself in that child. She wants to save that sweet baby the same way she was saved by Harold MacAllister.”
“I might feel the same if there were no one to take her. But we have a good family who wants to adopt her.”
“That window is closed, Sinclair. Bleu’s in too deep. She’s fallen head over heels in love with that baby.”
“You don’t think that will change when our twins get here?”
“No. She’s a mama bear and she considers Lourdes her cub. You couldn’t pry her from Bleu’s arms if you tried. And you don’t really want to do that. You love that little girl too.”
“I’m fearful of how our lives will change with three bairns.”
“I can promise you it will be crazy. But you’ll get by. And you’ll look back on it one day and wonder why you were so scared.”
Speaking to my mum changes my perspective. I feel like I’m able to see things from Bleu’s point of view for the first time. “I appreciate the talk.”
“Anytime, son. Can I do anything for you before I go?”
“Are there plenty of bottles?”
“Aye. I sterilized and mixed six just before you came home. They’re in the fridge. That should be more than enough to get you through to morning. You can probably expect her to wake up hungry in about thirty minutes. You should take one out now so you don’t have to heat it.”
“I’ll do that.”
“Call if you need anything. I can be back in five minutes.” Buying a house so near was the best decision we ever made.
“I will. Thanks, Mum.”
I grab a bottle from the fridge and go into our bedroom to see my sweet Bonny Bleu. I was only gone two days but I missed her terribly.
She’s napping in the middle of the bed, her upper body propped by two pillows since she can’t tolerate lying flat. Lourdes’s sleeping soundly on her chest only inches above Bleu’s swollen abdomen.
It’s in this moment that I realize these might not be the three most important people in my life—they could be the four most important. I’m not sure I can ask Bleu to let Lourdes go because I’m not sure I want to give her up, either.
I don’t wake Bleu. Instead, I sit in the corner chair and take in the beauty of my family. My wife. My children. I don’t deserve any of them but by some miracle, they are mine.
Just as Mum predicted, Lourdes fusses for her feeding at the thirty-minute mark. Bleu wakes and rubs her back. “Hey. It’s okay, sweet girl.”
I catch Bleu’s attention when I get up from the chair. “You’re home! How long have you been here?”
“I got in about forty-five minutes ago.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“I couldn’t. You and Lourdes looked so peaceful.”
Lourdes begins fussing louder. “I think our moment of peace just ended.”
Bleu reaches for the bottle but I hold on to it. I haven’t seen her in two days, either. “I’d like to feed her, if that’s okay.”
“Of course.”
I climb into bed next to Bleu and take Lourdes from her chest. She opens her mouth and searches for the nipple with her tongue. “She’s a greedy little thing.”
“Yes. Her appetite has really increased this week. She’s taking up to four ounces a feeding now.”
“How did her appointment with the pediatrician go? Has she gained weight?”
“Her appointment isn’t until tomorrow. Of course I’m not going to be able to take her since I have a long-standing engagement with this bed. Your mom is carrying her for me.”
I don’t have anything scheduled at the office tomorrow. “I think I would like to take her. That is, if my mother will go with me. I don’t feel confident doing it alone.”
“Isobel was going to do it anyway, so I’m certain she won’t mind going with you.”
I’m guessing Bleu sees pediatrician visits as her job but I want to have an active role in my children’s lives.
“Did you see Lainie while you were in Dublin?”
“I did. She’s quite well. Seems to be fitting in perfectly with The Guild.”
“I’m happy she’s all right, but I wish she were here instead. I’d really like her to come back to Edinburgh once this mess with The Order is over. Perhaps join us.” I like Lainie as well but that will open a whole other can of worms considering she’s Order and was once married to its leader. Even I might not be able to convince the brotherhood a change like that would be okay.
“She sent a gift for the babies. I put it on the dresser.”
Bleu gets up to snatch the package. I laugh because her waddling has worsened.
“What?”
I’d be crazy to tell her. “Nothing.”
She climbs back into bed and tears into the present before I can blink twice. She lifts the top of the box. Inside are three silver coins engraved with a B.
“What are these?”
“Some Scots believe it’s good luck to place silver in an infant’s hand. I guess each baby is getting their own personal piece as a keepsake.”
I told Lainie we had taken in an orphan but I never mentioned keeping her. I guess she assumed.
“I love these. They’re very thoughtful.”
Lourdes has sucked down half of her bottle so it’s time for burping. I lean her tiny little body over my hand and pat her back just the way Bleu showed me. “We’re going to figure all of this out, aren’t we?”
Bleu leans over and kisses the top of her head. She places her finger inside Lourdes’s tiny palm. She instinctively grasps it. “I think we already have.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Bleu Breckenridge
It’s official. I’m thirty-seven weeks pregnant with twins. Full term. My pregnancy lasted longer than we ever thought it would. Weight gain. Stretch marks. Pelvic pressure. Insomnia. That’s just the shortlist. I’ve achieved a level of misery I never dreamed possible.
My belly is getting sliced open tomorrow. That’s okay because it means we’re getting babies. We will finally meet our children. I can hardly wait to know what we’re getting. Boys, girls, or a combo package.
I’m showered and shaved. Everywhere. Can’t lie. That wasn’t an easy thing to accomplish. But I did it for Sin. I want to give him one good night before his six-week dry spell.
I’m wearing the only piece of sexy lingerie I have that still fits over my tummy. Sort of. A baby-doll top with matching G-string. My breasts are spilling out of the top but I don’t think he’ll mind.
I’m standing next to the bed when he comes into our
room. He doesn’t notice me. I guess he thinks I’m still in the bathroom since he calls out. “I think Lourdes is finally down for the night.”
“Is she?”
He stops dead in his tracks. “What do we have here?”
“You, Mr. Breckenridge, have a wife who’d like to show you a good time before our six-week vacation from knowing one another.”
“I do enjoy getting to know you better.”
“I thought you might.”
He comes to me. I go up onto my tiptoes and lace my fingers through the back of his hair as I kiss him.
His hands are at my lower back. He pulls me closer but it’s mostly my belly pressing against his.
We move toward the bed, kissing en route, before we stop next to it. His hands are exploring my breasts through my baby-doll top. They’ve gotten bigger the last couple of weeks, so they’re really jacked high.
“These are fantastic.” He caresses each one before pulling my top up and over my head. He thumbs my nipples, watching them harden. I fist the back of his hair when he takes one into his mouth.
I should probably warn him. “They’ve been leaking. A lot.”
“Maybe that’s why they taste so damn sweet.”
When he finishes, he pushes my panties down my legs. I’m left standing completely naked before him. He steps back, looking me over from head to toe, and I suddenly feel self-conscious about my body like never before. I clasp my hands in front of my large belly because I’m afraid my stretch marks will turn him off.
He comes to me and caresses my bump. “Please don’t cover yourself. I love looking at your pregnant body. The only thing I see is the beauty of my children growing inside you.”
He pulls me close and my abdomen presses against his again. He holds my hips as he drags his lips over my shoulder. “What position is going to work best for you?”
It used to work best with me on top before this last round of bed rest. But my belly is much bigger now. I’m not sure I can ride him like I did five weeks ago.
It’s going to be a long time before we get to do this again. I want it to be good for him. “I can get on my stomach––sort of. I mean I can get on my hands and knees. Maybe.” That may not work, either, if the weight of the babies is too heavy in that position.