Jessie felt her chest constrict. She could barely breathe. Somehow, she managed to croak out, “Will you come back?”
Another tear fell from his eye as he shrugged. “I don’t know.”
She nodded, feeling dizzy. Not knowing how she’d get through the pain eating a hole through her stomach, she clenched it and muttered, “If not today, when will you leave?”
Kai sighed, a hand reaching out to her before stopping and dropping back to his side. “I need to let work know that I’ve had a change of plans. I thought I’d give them two weeks, starting tomorrow…”
Jessie found herself stepping back, running into the door again. She was grateful for its hard, unforgiving shape; it was the only thing keeping her upright. Two weeks? That’s all the time she had left with the love of her life?
Her hands came up to her face as she struggled with the simple act of standing and breathing. Who knew that things she’d been doing since infancy, could suddenly become so hard? But the pain she felt was so much worse than any other pain a boy had given her. It made the crushing blow of discovering Jeremy’s betrayal, seem a pleasant experience in comparison. It was made that much worse, because she knew he was right. She couldn’t be angry with Kai, because he was doing the right thing. If he stayed, even if they tried to not see each other, life would find a way to cross their paths, and they would cave again. They loved each other too much to resist. She was positive of that. And so was Kai. That’s why he was breaking his own heart to put himself as far away from her as he could. And Jessie knew now…that she had to let him leave. They shouldn’t be together. They couldn’t be together. Even still, she had no idea how to be apart either.
As she felt herself start to sink to the floor, Kai’s arms were suddenly around her. He gave her strength, helping her stand, and she clutched at him, never wanting to let him go. Her arms cinched tight around his neck, his arms wrapped completely around her ribs. She finally felt whole…and it sickened her. Weeping into his shoulder, she managed to get out, “Can I be there…at the airport, when you leave?”
Kai pulled back to look at her, a hand coming up to brush her tears away. Nodding, he rested his head against hers. “Yeah…I think I’d like that.” He sighed as he shook his head. “No, I think I need that.”
She exhaled a stuttered breath and unintentionally brushed her lips against his. “We shouldn’t see each other until then.”
He choked back a sob, swallowing repeatedly. Then his lips brushed hers softly. Against them he murmured. “I know.”
Jessie allowed a tender kiss between them. It was short, but held more emotion than any kiss she’d ever received in her lifetime. Immediately after their lips parted ways, she whispered, “I’ll miss you, Kai.”
He nodded against her, sighing brokenly. “I’ll miss you too, Jessie.”
They pulled apart from each other reluctantly, neither one really wanting to let go, but both knowing that they had to. He cupped her cheeks when they were a foot apart again, searching her face for an achingly long time, like he was memorizing it. Then he sighed, shook his head, and kissed her forehead. Jessie closed her eyes as he murmured into her skin, “Goodbye, cousin.”
Stepping back from her, he let her move to open the door. With her hand clenching the doorknob so hard she knew she’d be tender the next morning, she gazed at him. His exotic beauty: the stunning eyes, the deep skin, the intricate swirls of his hidden tattoo. And all of his physical attractiveness overshadowed by the goodness in his heart – it seared her. Jessie didn’t think she’d ever quite love anyone else, the way that she loved him. She shook her head, her voice calmer than it had been since entering this fateful apartment. “I love you, Kai.”
His lips curled into a small, sad smile. “I love you too…Jessica Marie.”
Chapter 20
Truth Hurts
Kai woke up Monday morning feeling a knot in his stomach that he hadn’t felt since he’d first discovered who Jessie was. He knew what he had to do, and he knew it was the right thing to do, but that didn’t make his decision any easier. If anything, it was harder. Because a part of him wanted to ignore what was right, and fly to the woman he loved, a woman who loved him back. They’d finally admitted that to each other, and instead of being the heartwarming moment that brought two people together, it had the opposite effect on them. It was driving them apart. Thousands of miles apart.
Kai sat up on his bed, staring at the red river rock photograph that Jessie had given him. She was so caring, so wonderful. He couldn’t imagine his life now without her in it. But he had to. Today he had to start making plans to go back. Back to the home he’d left. Life had been so simple when he’d boarded the plane to come here, it was a little confounding to Kai how different the return flight would be. Especially with Jessie being there, seeing him off at the gate.
Kai sniffed and stared at his feet. That might be the last time they see each other…ever. His head couldn’t even comprehend it. He started to think of ways around it. Maybe they could try and not see each other again? Maybe, if he cut off ties with April and Harmony, he wouldn’t run into Jessie, or hear much about her? But Gran…they was no way around that one. Their mutual grandmother was big on family togetherness, although, even she wouldn’t approve of the level of togetherness that he and Jessie had. But she’d surely make living here and remaining separate from Jessie impossible. Eventually, she would unknowingly shove them together.
He sighed, standing. Even now he could run through a list of times they’d be forced together – Christmas, Gran’s birthday, Kai’s birthday, Jessie’ birthday, Easter, Grandpa and Gran’s anniversary, one she still celebrated every year, even after his death. Sighing again, he trudged to the shower. He’d somehow managed to fake an illness a few weeks ago that had gotten him out of Thanksgiving dinner, but Kai knew that he couldn’t do that every time there was a family event to go to, not without raising some serious red flags. There was just no way they could remain here together and not see each other.
Turning on the water, Kai reaffirmed his decision to leave. It was the only way to stop them from…loving each other in the way that they wanted to - man to woman, boyfriend to girlfriend…husband to wife. Kai shook his head to clear the thought. That was most definitely not an option.
They weren’t anything but family. Kai had even made that distinction as he’d professed his feelings for her. As he ran his hand under the warm water, trailing his fingers through the stream, he wondered if Jessie had caught the significance of what he’d said.
He’d called her by her full name, a name that only family called her. But he’d had to, because even though he may not think of her that way, there was no denying who she was. In his head, she may be Jessie, the warm, caring girl he’d met at a club one night, but in reality, she was Jessica Marie, his first cousin, by blood. And while he might be able to eventually fool himself into believing that their relationship was okay, the blood didn’t lie, and there was just no getting around the fact that they were family.
No, their being together…wasn’t an option.
Kai undressed and slid into the water, the familiar peace of it washing into him, although, not soothing him to the extent that it once used to. He was fairly certain that nothing would completely soothe him anymore. And now…now he had some decisions to make. Namely, who did he talk to first?
Scrubbing his hair and body with the shampoo Jessie had picked up for him, he debated calling his parents. He imagined listening to his father’s reaction to him telling him that he was giving up here and coming back home. Remembering his father’s distance lately, the thought soured his stomach even more. Whatever was going on between them, Kai was positive that that conversation would have his dad, if not outright telling him that he was disappointed in him, than definitely being odd and detached with him. He may or may not say it to Kai, but the message would come through loud and clear, and Kai wasn’t sure if he could handle hearing his father’s silent condemnation.
R
insing his hair clean, he considered his mother. She would certainly have the opposite reaction. Seeing as how he received bi-weekly care packages from her, including everything from local foods from home that he couldn’t get here, to new underwear, he imagined that she’d be overjoyed to have him back. But then again, she worked with Kai’s dad, and would surely tell him. That led back to scenario number one again, and Kai would rather wait a few days to face that talk.
Hating how childish that sounded, Kai shut the water off and stepped out. He considered telling his grandmother, and nodded his head. He would do that today, but he’d do it in person. She’d probably be thrilled with the news, as she had repeatedly told him that he should go home if he wasn’t happy working at the center. While that wasn’t Kai’s true reason for leaving, he could emphasize that part of it for his grandmother. And if he asked her to, he was pretty certain she wouldn’t tell his father he was coming home. For a little while anyway.
At least, not until Kai could decide what to say to the man who’d done him such a big favor, by helping secure him such a coveted job position. Kai knew that his parents’ connections within the little scientific community had gone a long way in helping him skip a few steps, and he didn’t take that for granted. He sort of felt that turning away from the dream job he’d been given, was almost like slapping his dad’s generosity in the face, and Kai wasn’t prepared to do that to him just yet.
Walking back to his room, Kai got dressed in his multiple layers of clothing followed by his teal work polo. Truly, the first conversation he needed to have today was with the boss that didn’t like him anyway. Surely Mason would be just as thrilled as his grandmother. More so, since Kai knew his grandmother would miss him when he left. He was fairly certain that Mason wouldn’t think about him again once he stepped out of the center’s doors for the last time.
Once outside his studio door, Kai locked it. His head envisioned Jessie pounding her fist on it yesterday, desperate to talk to him. He’d fled from her, to halt the blooming love between them. He’d taken a taxi to a dismally lit transfer station, and waited on a hard park bench outside with a bum and a couple of drunken frat boys. He’d been exhausted, but his mind had been spinning so badly, sleep had evaded him. He’d flip-flopped between going back to Jessie, or staying on that hard, cold bench. Eventually, and with an enormous amount of will power on his part, he’d stayed right where he was, and the shuttle had finally come and picked him up.
And then…she’d been there. Like magic, like he hadn’t left her side at all, she’d been there, waiting for him by the time he’d gotten a taxi ride home. Kai couldn’t even imagine how she’d gotten to him so fast. And at first, he hadn’t been sure why she had. Certainly she could have rested longer, and they could have talked in the evening when her and her roommates had gotten home? But then she’d confessed her fears and he’d understood. She had been afraid that he was leaving…that he’d up and leave her without another word.
A part of him couldn’t believe that she thought he was capable of that. A part of him wondered if maybe that wasn’t the smarter thing to do. And even though leaving the State was his plan, and he’d heartbreakingly had to tell her about it, he couldn’t imagine not getting one last goodbye with her. Regardless of how painful that goodbye was going to be, he’d meant it, when he’d said he needed it.
Humming through the city on his bike, Kai started preparing all of the speeches he’d tell to people, beginning the proceedings of what would eventually be goodbye. His studded tires thudded along the dry road still clear of snow and ice. It hadn’t snowed in the city yet, but farther up the mountains, where his work was based, a blanket of the fluffy stuff was usually to be found.
He’d spun out a few times until he’d gotten the tires. Louis told him daily that a bike was not going to cut it come February. He’d made Kai a pretty generous offer on an old truck that he’d converted to burn bio-diesel. Kai had been considering setting up a payment plan with him and buying it, especially when the wind had picked up and the ice in it had gone straight through the suit he wore to stay warm. Driving in an enclosed cabin had been starting to sound nicer and nicer every day. But now, well, he really didn’t need to worry about it anymore.
Pulling into the parking area, Kai shivered as he shut off his bike. He hadn’t taken two steps away from his Honda, his helmet in hand since he wasn’t a big fan of an icy head, when Missy stepped up to him. Wearing an oversized parka with fur around the trim, she seemed liked she’d just been out exploring the arctic.
“Morning, Kai.” She smiled as she eyed him slowly up, then slowly down. When she got back to his face, she frowned. Grabbing a section of his insulated riding pants, a little closer to the crotch region than was really necessary, she said, “These do nothing for you. I can’t wait until the weather warms up.” Her lips twisted in a smile as she raised her eyebrows repeatedly.
Kai shook his head and started walking towards the building. He really didn’t care how he looked, as long as he was as warm as he could be. “Good morning to you too, Missy.” Kai didn’t mention that he wouldn’t be here when the weather warmed up. He intended to tell his coworkers, but really, his boss should come first. Besides, faced with the thought of him leaving…he really wasn’t sure what Missy would do.
She huffed as she squeezed her down-padded body through the door with him. Kai grunted as he tried to not squish her into the doorframe. Once they popped through the other side, she looked up at him and poked a finger in his shoulder. “I’m very happy you’re not still seeing that August person.”
Kai cracked a smile as he waved at a group of people starting their morning routines. Continuing on to the storage room, where he could change out of his riding gear, he laughed once. “You mean April?”
She blew out a quick puff of air. “Whatever the month was, I’m just glad it’s over. She was never right for you.” Missy looked up at him and batted her lashes beneath her black rimmed glasses. Kai was all too aware just who she thought was perfect for him.
Shaking his head, Kai opened the door to the storage room. As he could have predicted, she darted in right behind him. Once they were alone in the room, she backed against the door and seductively began to unzip her jacket. Kai really hoped that’s all she took off in here. Twisting away from her, he set down his helmet and started unzipping his heavy coat.
From behind him, he heard the sounds of her undressing, her husky voice floating over the top of it. “Besides, she had to be mental, if she let something like you go.”
Kai sighed softly, ignoring her comment, like he always did, and slid his riding pants over his hips. He had them mid-thigh when he heard her whistle approvingly. Twisting around, he smirked at her. Luckily, he found her fully dressed, only having removed her winter coat, hanging it on a coat rack by the door. She smiled wide, now that she had his attention again, then curled a piece of her frizzed hair around her finger. “If I had you, you’d never get my claws out of you.” She growled at the end of that, miming a cat’s claws with her nails.
Kai unzipped the ends of his pants and slid them over his boots. He laid them on a shelf near his jacket and straightened to look at her. “Well, Missy, it’s a good thing you never had me then.” He tilted his head and raised a corner of his lip. “And I’m pretty sure I’ve already mentioned this, but it was a mutual decision to stop seeing each other. We’re even still friends.”
She smirked as she grabbed her gadget belt off of a shelf opposite his. “Too bad for her, yeah for me,” she muttered. Kai sighed again and grabbing his own belt, moved around her to leave the room. She surprisingly let him, an innocent smile on her freckled face as she adjusted her outfit. Then her hand came up to cup his ass, just as he stepped through the door. He turned to watch her laugh, the door swinging closed between them.
Seriously? No way a guy around here would get away with that. Frowning at the door, Kai sucked it up and swung his belt on. On well, he’d dealt with harder things than a too frisky coworker
. And his upcoming conversation with his boss just might be one of those things. Kai still wasn’t sure what he was going to say. It really didn’t matter, he supposed. The man was probably going to be odd towards him, regardless of what he said.
Deep in that thought as he walked down the hall to Mason’s office, where he was hoping he’d find him this early in the day, Kai didn’t notice Louis approaching him. He didn’t notice until the man bumped his shoulder. Kai startled and looked up at the scraggly faced man, his beard even thicker than when Kai had first met him.
“Hey, so…Kai.” Louis sniffed and looked up and down the hall, like he was about to tell him something so vastly important, that no one else could be around to hear it. Seeing that they were alone, he leaned into Kai’s side. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you…” He paused, dramatically, and then, “I’m going to ask out your ex, but I don’t want to break the guy-code, so I’m checking with you first.”