Tossing the packet in the garbage under the kitchen sink, he twisted to look back at her, still kneeling on the floor. No, she’d said she wasn’t like that, and he believed her. Besides, he preferred to think that what they’d shared was rare, was fate pulling them together. Then again, what they’d shared was so wrong he shouldn’t even want to think about it at all.
Coming back into the living room, he squatted by her side. Sighing, he started to reach out for her cheek, but stopped himself. She exhaled softly and finally looked over at him, her eyes were less wet and she looked a little embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to be okay with this, but that was a little…” She shrugged and then let out another nervous laugh.
He sat down on the floor by her feet. “I know. I’m trying too.” He gave her a crooked grin. “It will get easier.” Kai hoped that was true.
Jessie looked over at him and nodded. He bit his lip as she looked over his face, her eyes finally locking onto his. Kai squelched the desire to feel those lips again, to touch her face again. A wistful noise passed through her, and he wondered if she was having as difficult a time as he was. But for how it twisted his stomach with disgust, he’d ignore that they shared a last name, and lay that mattress back on the floor.
With a visible effort, he stood and extended a hand to her. She took it and let him pull her up to standing. They ended up being closer than he’d intended, their bodies brushing together. He didn’t pull away though. He continued to stand with his chest against hers, the flatness of his in contrast to the fullness of hers. His hand clutched hers and he suspected that for the first time all day, they were the same temperature. He felt hot all over as he stared down at her. Wondering how to shut off the desire he still felt for her, even now, even mixed with guilt, revulsion, and self loathing, his lips parted in anticipation. They couldn’t do this, it was wrong, but as his body started reacting to her nearness, he knew that on some level, he could do this.
He lowered his forehead to hers and she gasped, her mouth opening as well. His other hand wrapped around her hip, pulling her closer to him. Kai couldn’t believe he was contemplating this, after everything he’d learned, after all the times his stomach had tilted while thinking about it, even though he knew it was disgusting, his body was willing to overlook that fact.
Jessie raised her chin, their lips dangerously close now, and he thought she may be willing to overlook it too. His hand on her hip lowered to cup her backside, their jointed hands tightening. Kai sucked in a quick breath, not sure what to do, not sure which part of his body to listen to. Jessie ran a hand up his chest to his neck. Her eyes bored into his, conflicted, lustful.
Bringing his lips down, just a fraction, they minutely brushed together with hers. He closed his eyes and exhaled, remembering, savoring her taste from last night, equally wanting to savor it again, and wanting to push her away. His head hurt again, while his body and mind shifted in two directions. This was so wrong, but it felt so right.
At the brief contact, her breath quickened and she shifted in his arms. Jessie’s hips pressed up against his and he could feel the blood rushing down, feel his body hardening. If that piece of him took over, it would almost make things easier…until after. Then they’d be faced with the awful truth that they had known, and done it anyway. At least the first time they could feign ignorance. A second time…well, they wouldn’t be able to feign away anything.
Her hips bumped against him as she squirmed in his arms, seemingly just as torn herself. Kai wondered if she was aware of just how much that move was turning him on; she would be in a moment, if she didn’t stop. Just as her lips were coming back to his, he released her hand and grabbed her hips, stilling them. “Stop, Jessie,” he whispered, immensely proud of himself for uttering those words.
They worked as a blast of cold water on Jessie. She immediately pulled away from him, breaking their intimate contact. “Oh, god,” she muttered, running her fingers through her hair. “I can’t, we can’t… This is so wrong, Kai.”
Her eyes watered and she looked on the verge of losing it. He stepped forward and put a hand on her arm. “I know. It’s okay, I know.”
She pulled away from his touch, but gave him an apologetic smile. Stepping back from her, he gave her the same smile in return. “We’re going to have to be more careful.” He sighed. “I’m sorry, Jessie, you just, you don’t feel like family. The idea grosses me out, but not… I still want…” Kai exhaled sadly and shrugged. “I still want you.”
Looking at the floor, Kai felt really horrid and guilty for admitting that. Jessie sighed, still paces away from him. “I know…I want you too.” He peeked up at her, glad that at least they were in the same awful boat. “But even if we don’t feel it, we are family, and this can’t happen, Kai.”
He nodded. “I know.”
She shrugged. “So what do we do?”
Kai clenched his fists to not tuck that stray piece of hair behind her ear. “We try not to get too close to each other. At least, until this…feeling passes.” Jessie nodded, her eyes misting again, the chocolate depths glassing over. Kai swallowed. “But, can I get your help moving the furniture in first?”
Jessie looked down and laughed. A tear dripping to her cheek, she smiled and nodded. “Yeah, of course.”
They made quick work in emptying Jessie’s truck. With several of the larger pieces of Gran’s stuff, they had to bypass the elevator and maneuver them up the stairs. Laughing pretty hard when they got a dresser wedged in a corner, Kai jokingly told her that he was at her mercy. Jessie tilted her head, looking at him oddly for a moment and Kai swallowed and looked away, reminding himself that she wasn’t some beautiful girl that he could breezily flirt with. She was so much more, and so much less.
After a couple hours of sweat-inducing work, they finally got in a couple dressers, a nightstand with a lamp, a large bookcase, and a frame and headboard for his mattress. It was sort of amazing how they’d Tetrised everything into Jessie’s truck. Looking over at her as she tucked a loose curl away, her forehead slightly shining with her exertion, Kai smiled, thinking she was pretty incredible.
After they lowered his mattress into place and made the sheets, the same sheets they’d had sex in, they both stared at it a moment. Feeling an awkward tension building as they both stared at the place that had changed everything in their relationship, Kai found himself whispering, “Who is Jeremy?”
Jessie flinched and looked up at him. Kai felt heat rush into his cheeks. He really hadn’t meant to ask her that, but curiosity had driven it out before he could stop himself. She’d mentioned something about a man named Jeremy, right before she’d shoved her hands down his pants. She’d been comparing his size to whoever this guy was. At the time, she’d seemed pleased with what she’d found.
Jessie bit her lip, color staining her cheeks as embarrassment flashed through her. Walking over to one of Kai’s boxes, she opened it and started pulling out his clothes. He blinked that she was going to stay and help him put his stuff away. While he was grateful for that, since he really wasn’t looking forward to doing it, he was pretty surprised too, especially with what he’d just asked her.
Jessie let out a long exhale as she folded some crumpled t-shirts and placed them in a dresser drawer. Not looking at Kai, she answered with, “He was my last ex, who found it very difficult to keep it in his pants.” She glanced over at him as he blinked again, surprised again. “I caught him once, and that was enough for me.” She flicked a glance at the front of Kai’s jeans and her face colored even more. “I think he was just compensating,” she muttered, a devilish smile twisting her lips for a second.
Kai laughed, remembering her relief at his…size, and then sighed; it was all so weird to think about. Reaching into a box himself, he started putting away some of his books. Jessie, across the small room from him, shook her head, making her curls dance adorably. “God, I can’t believe I said that to you…last night.” She stopped unpacking his clothes and stared at him, looking
horribly embarrassed. “I’m generally not that…”
Letting it trail off, she bit her lip. Kai smiled, still remembering. “Aggressive?”
Jessie groaned and let her head fall back, her hands coming up to cover her face. She looked mortified. Kai wanted to reassure her, let her know that she had no reason to be embarrassed about her actions. If he could take the near-incest aspect of their night together out of the equation, the physical part had been amazing. Quietly, he told her, “You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’ve never had anyone be like that with me. It was amazing, you were amazing.” Deciding to be perfectly honest with her, he admitted, “It was the best sex I’ve ever had, Jessie.”
She lowered her hands and stared at him, her face reflecting his own sadness and revulsion. “Why does that make me feel wonderful…and horrible?” Kai smiled sadly, nodding his head. He knew just what she meant. Shaking hers again, she stuck her hand back in his box of clothes. “This is so messed up, Kai.”
Returning to his box of books, he muttered, “I know.”
After another hour or so, they had all of Kai’s boxes empty. Jessie chuckled at several of his private things. A mug he’d made himself in art class one year - it leaned horribly to one side. A photo of a group of his friends tossing him into the ocean. A Tiki statue with the added touch of a giant schlong. One of his friends had found it in an adult shop, and had thought it would bring Kai good luck in the girl department. Kai wasn’t sure if it had or not.
Smiling to herself as she flipped through one of the photo albums his mom had made for him, she stopped on a picture of him and his friends, standing shirtless in front of the beach. Her finger languidly traced the swirl pattern of Kai’s tattoo, peeking up over his collar bone. He remembered her soft lips touching that tattoo last night and exhaled softly. She peeked up at him after hearing it as he came over to sit beside her on his bed. “Does it mean something,” she asked, her finger pointing to the black ink in the picture.
Kai smiled and shook his head. “Not really. They’re just tribal markings. A group of us went to Honolulu after graduating high school and decided to get them.” He pointed to his friends in the pictures, to the various spots on their bodies where they’d each gotten the swirling, slashing tattoos.
She glanced at the legs and arms in the photo, and then her gaze drifted to Kai’s shoulder. She bit her lip and he could tell that she wanted to see it again. Not thinking about it, he lifted his layer of shirts up enough so that she could see the bulk of it on his back, along the blade. Her mouth dropped open a little as her finger came out to touch it. Her index finger traced a swirl, her nail teasingly grazing his skin. The heat of it instantly shot through him. Realizing how close they were getting, where they were sitting, he immediately stood, his shirt dropping down into place as he did.
She flushed and looked away. This was going to be a lot harder than Kai would have ever imagined. Smiling reassuringly, he ran a hand through his hair. “Hungry?” he asked casually.
Jessie looked back at him, shutting the book. “Yeah, starving. There’s this great pizza place nearby, I’ll call.” She stood up and headed to the kitchen for her phone in her purse.
Kai ran another hand back though his hair and glanced up at the ceiling. He was about to reply to her when she shot back, “Hawaiian, right?” She grinned crookedly, clearly teasing him, and he decided to tease her right back.
“No, Haole don’t make it right. Pepperoni is fine.” Kai grinned at her, finding himself relaxing at her sense of humor. Not understanding the strange word he’d used, she wrinkled her nose in an adorable way.
Chuckling at her confusion, he watched her twist her lips and roll her eyes as she opened her phone to make the call. Kai dug in his wallet for some cash, handing it to her when she was finished. Jessie shook her head, and started to hand it back to him, but he refused to take it. “You’ve done so much for me today, it’s the least I can do.” He shrugged and smiled, hoping she just let him do this for her. Try and repay her kindness in some small way.
Jessie gave him a face that clearly said it wasn’t necessary, but she did stuff the bill in her jeans. Kai smiled widely and leaned back against the counter. Jessie copied him on the other side and they passed the time they had by Jessie filling Kai in on all the attractions Denver had to offer an island boy. She teased him good-naturedly on his heritage, but by the way her eyes took him in, Kai could tell that his looks appealed to her. Of course, he’d known that last night. Pushing that out of his head for now, he simply listened to the sound of her voice for awhile.
Chapter 5
It Will Get Easier
Jessica Marie woke up Sunday morning with less of a headache than yesterday, but a headache nonetheless. While yesterday had had her stomach twisting and swirling with the remnants of too much alcohol, this morning had her stomach twisting and turning for another reason. She’d met a boy, an attractive boy. She’d gone home with that boy and let herself be a person that she really wasn’t. She’d fulfilled a fantasy. It was supposed to help ease her broken heart, and then be over with. It was not supposed to give her heart a different sort of ache. The boy was not supposed to be her cousin.
Sighing irritably, she hopped out of her fluffy bed, thick with too many covers. She immediately pushed her feet into a pair of fuzzy slippers next to her bed. The entire house had wood floors and they were especially chilly early in the morning. Jessie could hear the sounds of cartoons and laughter in the next room and knew that her roommates were awake. She’d managed to go an entire day without them really grilling her on her hookup. She had no idea what she’d say to them. Hearing them talking with each other, Jessie darted into the bathroom and bought herself some time with a cooling shower.
Thinking of what to tell her roommates had her thinking about the boy in question. Kai. Kai Harper, the boy bearing her own last name. She groaned softly and tried not to think about it. Taking a horribly long time washing her hair, she remembered hanging out with him yesterday. If you took all of the near-flirtations out of the day, she’d enjoyed spending time with him. He was interesting, funny, pretty smart, and outrageously handsome. He was the kind of guy she could see herself with for awhile. But, that wasn’t really on option for them. That would sort of be unexplainable at the family reunions. That thought, again, made Jessie groan.
Rinsing off the bubbles, she thought about having dinner with him last night. They’d sat on the floor on either side of his bed, the pizza box spread out on the mattress between them. As they talked and ate their food, they’d each occasionally glanced at the bed, remembering. It was going to take awhile for that night to leave either one of their brains. He’d admitted to her that it was the best he’d ever had. While she hadn’t said it, she’d been thinking the exact same thing. No, a night like that wasn’t the sort of thing you just suddenly forgot, even if you wished you could.
Stepping out of the shower, Jessie started piecing together her day. She wanted to check on Grams again, make sure she didn’t need any help with anything yet and she wasn’t in too much pain, then she wanted to go get some groceries for Kai. Rummaging through his kitchen for something to drink last night, she couldn’t help but notice that all he had was a nearly empty carton of milk in the fridge. She’d given him a curious look and he’d only shrugged at her and apologized, saying he hadn’t gotten around to shopping for food yet. She wasn’t sure, but he was probably filling himself up on junk. Boys had a tendency to do that, especially boys left to their own devices.
And she wanted to help him. Aside from the fact that she actually liked him, he was family, and that’s what family does, helps each other. Plus, a small nagging part of her brain wanted to see him again. She tried to shut that part off as she got dressed.
Finally feeling more put together to face her inquisitive friends, she walked out into the living room. April was sitting on the couch, her feet up on the cushions, her hands around her knees, and was deep in a conversation with Harmony on the opposite end of
the couch. Harm looked up when Jessie entered and April cut off mid-sentence, twisting around to face her.
“Oh, she surfaces. Feeling better?” April winked, and Jessie knew she wasn’t really talking about her hangover being gone.
Ignoring the twisting sensation in her gut, she smiled as best as she could. “Much, thanks.”
April laughed. “No problem, you needed it.” Harmony sighed and frowned, but didn’t comment. April jumped around to lean over the back of the couch, up on her knees now. “So…how was he?” She raised her eyebrows suggestively and Jessie suppressed a groan. And it starts, she thought.
“Well, I don’t really remember.” Jessie shrugged and fully walked into the living room, plopping down in a chair under a bay window. It looked out over the city and had a pretty spectacular view of the mountains.
Her dad had secured this place for her before he’d gotten transferred away. He’d wanted to make sure that she lived in a decent area before he left town, and had even paid for her rent for a year. Just in case, he said. It wasn’t necessary, Jessie had a job, but Jessie was the only girl in a family full of boys, so her father was a little overprotective. And since he worked for the government, he also had a decent enough career that he could do things like that for her. He would not be happy, if he ever found out how careless she had been the other night.